To Wreck
by tanmaree
Summary: For a thousand years she watched him, stalked him, she hated him until somehow the hate fell away. Then she decided she was going to fix him.
1. Chapter 1

She had spent over a thousand years watching and following him. Oh all right maybe she stalked him just the teeniest tiniest bit. The first few hundred years she plotted and schemed all the many delicious ways she could hurt him, they may have both been immortal but that didn't mean they couldn't feel pain. And she looked forward to the pain she would inflict upon him. But as the years went on and the more she watched, she realized he was purposely putting himself in dangerous situations.

Sometimes she'd follow him as he returned to Avalon and sobbed and begged with her brother to return. But the stubborn arse that was her brother stayed where he was. There were times when she herself would sit by the waters of Avalon and have a nice conversation with Arthur, ranting, apologizing, whispering promises of things being different if only he would rise. Not for her, of course but for his servant, if only so that she could stop listening to his wailing. Of course, that problem would solve itself if she would only stop following Merlin around for centuries on end.

She watched as the Knights of Camelot returned to life, being reborn, she saw the hope on Merlin's face at the thought that they might remember him, then the anguish that followed when they never did. Gwen and her various reincarnations was the hardest to watch and over the years she found herself wishing for a happy ending for her old friend but no happy ending ever came, Gwen, in any lifetime was destined to wander the world alone. Her happy ending, her knight in shining armour, her Prince and King was slumbering in the waters of Avalon and until he returned Gwen would never get her happy ending.

Morgana watched as slowly Merlin stopped seeking out the reincarnations of his friends, it was clear until Arthur rose, they would not remember their previous lives. Being immortal was both a blessing and a curse.

There were decades and centuries Morgana rather enjoyed – she was particularly fond of the 1920s – and there were others where she wondered at the stupidity of humanity, periods where she was disgusted by what man could do to his fellow man. It was during Hitler's reign and as she saw a whole race of people being persecuted and as she worked as a nurse and tried to help where she could, that she had an epiphany about her own quest for power in Camelot. Somewhere along the line her desire to save her kind had turned into a personal vendetta and she had become the very thing she hated: Uther.

In the 60s she become a hippie, a feminist in the 70s, the 90s saw her try her hand at being a goth, then later an emo, though she was never really clear on the distinction between the two. She laughed as Wicca came into fashion – though she quite enjoyed watching Charmed and pointing out the inaccuracies to herself. She read the various versions of the Arthurian Legends and laughed at the absurdity of versions that had her as Arthur's lover and Mordred as her child.

So far she was rather enjoying the twenty first century, she had followed Merlin to University where he had enrolled as a student, so she decided why not? She could enjoy education as well but made sure to enroll in classes that she knew he would not be in. He focused on history anyway, which was ridiculous considering they'd both lived it. She chose to focus on English Literature; she'd always enjoyed stories. She even made a friend or two.

She cuddled up in her favourite armchair in the coffee shop where her Shakespeare study group was meeting and thanked all that was good in the world for the invention of coffee. And hot chocolate. She loved hot chocolate. With those little marshmallows floating on the top of it. Slowly each member of her study group flitted in and sat in the small alcove of the busy coffee shop with her, chatting about what they'd loved or hated about that week's reading. She enjoyed listening to their interpretation's of the Bard's work even if they did get it terrifyingly wrong most of the time.

The bell above the door dinged and the cold air came in and with it came Sarah, hauling a slight frame behind her. A slight frame Morgana knew well, knew better than anyone in fact. He had on baggy jeans, a t-shirt with some obscure band on it, a jacket that looked like it had seen better days and a ridiculous beany over his hair. He kept his eyes down cast as Sarah talked a mile a minute, dragged him to their alcove and shoved him into a chair. Morgana tilted her head and watched him as he stared at the floor. Like her, he hadn't aged a day; he still had those lips and cheekbones any girl would envy.

He moved to lean forward, his elbows resting on his knees and head bowed, she couldn't look away, it was as if she was fascinated by his every move, every flutter of those dark lashes. She'd only watched him from afar and this was the closest she'd been to him since he'd shoved a sword into her. She wanted him to look up, to capture her in those startling blue eyes of his; she wanted him to acknowledge her. Part of her wanted him to look at her the way he once did when he first came to Camelot before it all fell apart, before her magic, before he poisoned her, before Morgause, before her fear and hatred of Uther tore her apart, before that hatred extended to her brother, before the only connection the two of them had was their constant battle for Camelot. She wanted him to look at her like she was who she once was and not look at her with pity and disdain for who she became.

She watched as he clasped his hands together then released them, flexing his fingers. The others in her group chattered to each other, Sarah settled into the chair beside Morgana, offered her a little wave but Morgana's focus was singularly on Merlin.

"Hello Merlin," She drawled slowly, savouring the taste and feel of saying his name out loud.

Time seemed to move to a halt as he slowly raised his head and lifted startled eyes to her, he sucked in a harsh breath and on the exhalation whispered; "Morgana."

All chatter around them had crashed to an abrupt stop, Sarah pointed a finger between Merlin and Morgana, her brow furrowed and creased into a frown; "You two know each other?"

Morgana knew it was harsh and bitter but she couldn't stop the words from flying out snarkily; "The last time we saw each other, he killed me."

She said it full of sass but wished she could take it back at the tortured pain in his eyes.

"He killed you?" One of the guys asked, she couldn't remember his name. She wasn't sure she cared.

She waved a hand regally; "Oh, it was my fault really, I did after all kill his best friend first."

Merlin sat up straight, clenched his fists, narrowed his eyes and glared at her. They were all staring at her, mouths gaping and she mentally rolled her eyes. She forced out a harsh laugh; "I am of course talking in metaphors."

"So, when you say he killed you, what you really mean is that he broke your heart?" Someone asked.

Morgana watched, head tilted as Merlin laughed bitterly, rose to his feet and said; "In order for me to break her heart, Morgana would have to have one."

And then he was striding through the coffee shop, pushing the door open harshly, and exiting without a backward look at her. She tried to tell herself she didn't care that he didn't spare her one last look.


	2. Chapter 2

Sarah glared at her from over the top of her cup, Morgana recognized the glare, it was one of disapproval, it was one Gwen would sometimes pin her with. Morgana steadfastly tried to ignore it as she ripped open three sugar sachets and dumped them into her coffee.

A glare she could ignore but when Sarah started to sigh loudly and dramatically, Morgana looked up and pinned her with a glare of her own; "What?"

"You could have been a little nicer."

"That was me being nice." Well, that was the nicest she'd been to Merlin in over a millennium. "He wasn't exactly the height of politeness or propriety."

She smirked into her coffee at the thought of Merlin and propriety. She'd always enjoyed the way he'd talk back to Arthur with no concern for the fact he was a servant and Arthur was royalty.

"Morgana, it took a lot of convincing for me to get Merlin to agree to take this paper and then come to our study session."

"How exactly do you know Merlin?" She asked as she studied Sarah with a critical eye, she wondered if Sarah and Merlin were engaging in a flirtation. Sarah was all blonde hair, freckles, sugary sweet personality; Morgana didn't think she would be Merlin's type. She thought he'd be more drawn to someone….darker.

"He's in my History classes. We clicked."

Morgana wanted to ask her friend how exactly her and Merlin had 'clicked' but held her tongue. I really wasn't her business. Merlin could click with whomever the hell he wanted. She was pulled from her contemplating about how many people Merlin might have 'clicked' with in the last thousand years by Sarah sighing dramatically again.

"You're my friend, Morgana and so is he. I need you to play nice. It seemed like the two of you have a bit of history…"

Morgana snorted, they had more than a 'bit' of history she wanted to say to Sarah but Sarah continued speaking; "Merlin's got some issues…."

"I know all about Merlin's issues," Morgana said a little harsher than was necessary.

"He doesn't need you messing with his head."

"I wasn't messing with his head!" She protested, though she had been just a little, she had wanted him to fight back just a little, not just take it then scamper off. Sarah shook her head and looked at Morgana with an expression that was full of reproach; "He's not one of the men you find in a bar and string along until you grow bored. He's not a plaything."

She knew that. Those men meant nothing….were nothing, just ways to pass time, to satisfy an itch, Merlin, even when she hated him, he meant something, he was important. He was her greatest adversary but he was also her greatest equal. He was her destiny and her doom. He just _meant_ something.

Sarah was looking at her expectantly but Morgana didn't know what she wanted from her. Perhaps the promise to stay away from Merlin. That was a promise Morgana couldn't give. Sarah leaned forward, across the table, eyes full of curiosity; "What are you to each other?"

That was a complicated question, how do you explain to someone all of the intricacies of their relationship? So, she just kept it as simple as she could but still conveyed the truth; "We were friends once. Then we started doing terrible things to each other and we just couldn't stop."

"Stop now. Leave him be."

She shook her head; she'd left him be up until now. She stood up, scrapping the chair back and buttoned up her coat.

"Where are you going?"

Morgana smirked and she wrapped her scarf around her neck; "You wanted me to be nice? I'm going to go be nice."

"Morgana…."

"Relax. It will be fine." She said as she started weaving her way through tables to the door.

"You don't even know where he lives!" Sarah called after her but she was already out the door. Of course she knew where he lived. She'd always known, no matter where he went, she knew where he was, like any good stalker, she knew.

She raced up the steps she knew led to his flat and grinned as she rattled the lock then easily clicked it open with her magic. She walked into his flat like she was walking into the great hall at Camelot, like it all belonged to her.

Merlin sat on the couch, elbows on knees, a beer bottle dangling from his fingers, staring at the black screen of the TV. He raised the bottle to his lips and took a swig, clearly ignoring her. But she wasn't to be perturbed.

She smiled cheerfully; "Manservant, Emrys, Merlin."

He looked up at her and his eyes flashed gold reminding her of the power he still held, the power which exceeded her own, "What do you want, Morgana?"

"It appears we have a friend in common. She would like us to get along."

He took another swig and rolled his eyes but he didn't tell her to get out or force her out with his magic so she perched herself on the couch beside him and gave him her most beaming smile. It was the smile that she always used when she wanted to get her way. She plumped a cushion beside her as Merlin shot her a sideways glance which she chose to ignore.

"Sod off, Morgana."

She chose to ignore that as well.

"So, I think we need to talk, to get out all our differences so that we can move on. I saw this television show once where the couple went to counseling and had to each take turns saying what the other had done which had hurt or disappointed them."

She looked at him and raised her brows expectantly but he was back to staring at the tv. She sat up straighter; "Ok, I'll go first," She cleared her throat; "It hurt me when you stabbed me."

She looked at him expectantly again, waiting for him to play his part but he just kept staring straight ahead, he was being impossible, she sighed; "Fine. You sit there and brood and I will do all the talking."

He shot her another sidelong glare, stood and went into what she assumed was his bedroom and slammed the door. She shrugged and spread out on the couch, picking up the remote and clicking the tv on.

They went on like this: she'd turn up and talk while he sat and pretended she wasn't there. Sometimes she'd talk about what she'd been doing in the years since Camelot, telling him tales of seducing great men of history or marching in protests for women's rights. Once or twice she even thought she saw his lips quirk up as he tried to fight off a smile.

She was curled up on one end of his couch talking his ear off about Shakespeare, in particular about Romeo and Juliet, telling him about the classes he had missed, what he needed to know. He, for his part, was leaning against the wall beside the door to his bedroom, watching her, looking like he was ready to either bolt at any minute or shove her out the door.

"What I love about this play, though, is that there seems to be a real sense of female autonomy," Morgana said softly, it was a thought she hadn't shared with the study group, she sometimes felt they thought she was just a pretty face, the way so many had thought of her in her long lifetime. She looked up at Merlin and he'd tilted his head and was gazing at her even harder if that were possible. She shook her head; "Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but Juliet takes a certain amount of control of her own life. In a patriarchal society, she chooses her own choice for a husband, decides her own fate."

Merlin pushes away from the wall and sits on the very edge of the couch as far away from her as possible and stares at the tv. She takes this as an invitation to keep talking.

"I wanted to choose my own fate. I wanted to mean something to someone other than a commodity for Uther to sell or marry off when it was convenient. I wanted to help those who were like me. I don't regret Uther's death or everything Morgause taught me. I do regret the way I let my hatred and need for power take over and let it extend to Arthur."

She meant it. She had cried for her brother many times over the years. She hadn't really hated him, not truly, she hated him for being legitimate, for having all she never could, she hated him for what she feared he would become – a replica of their father. Somehow, she allowed Morgause to whisper in her ear and influence her and forgot to see past it all to who her brother really was. Most of all, she'd just wanted the crown on her head so she could fix all the wrongs Uther had committed and Arthur had merely been in the way of that.

She stood up, preparing to leave, she could tell Merlin wasn't going to talk to her again today, she walked to the door, her hand on the handle, when his voice made her pause; "What are you doing here, Morgana?"

She spun back around and met his gaze; "I've decided you are going to be my penance."

"Your penance? You're not even Catholic."

"Maybe not but I'm going to fix whatever's wrong with you anyway. I owe it to Arthur."

She left him with that last thought as she left his flat and started her own walk home. She was halfway home when she realized: he'd actually talked to her.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Thank you for all of your lovely comments, they are appreciated. This is a story which I've had in my head for a while. I have a few problems with how some things were dealt with in the show; I always thought that there wasn't enough of a journey from Morgana being good to turning evil, I also thought her hating Arthur was a bit rushed and came out of nowhere, there was no real explanation for why she hated him, so I decided to interpret it in my own way, that is in my mind, Morgana's hate for Arthur isn't really about him but more about her jealousy over him being the recognised, legitimate child of Uther and Morgana's need for acceptance and fear that Arthur would treat her the same way Uther treated those with magic._

Morgana sat cradling a mug of hot chocolate, letting the warmth seep into her skin and down to the bones, her legs over the armrest of the chair. The study group was all gathered, except Merlin but she didn't expect him to turn up but it seemed Sarah was more interested in interrogating her about Merlin than discussing Shakespeare.

"I just want to know what you two talk about."

Morgana shrugged; "I do most of the talking but does it matter? What ever goes on between the two of us is nobody's business but our own."

"I've just known Merlin for a while and I feel protective over him."

Morgana quirked a brow and hid her smirk in her mug; "You think he needs protecting from me?"

She had tried to hurt him, kill him many times but they both knew he held more power than she could ever imagine and she didn't really ever stand a chance against him. But together they could have done impossible things. Together they could have been awe-inspiring.

She narrowed her gaze at Sarah as a thought suddenly occurred to her; "Hang on, have the two of you ever…..?" She let the thought hang in the air and watched as Sarah blushed furiously.

"No." But she wouldn't meet Morgana's eye.

"But you want to." She said with more bitterness than she had intended. She didn't know why but the thought of her friend and Merlin together made her want to throw Sarah across the room with one look.

Sarah continued to blush demurely, which infuriated Morgana even more; "It doesn't matter, he turned me down anyway."

She smiled into her hot chocolate at that and she couldn't understand why it made her so happy that Merlin had resisted her friend's obvious charm. But in that moment Sarah just looked so sad, Morgana sighed and sat up; "You want to know what we talk about?"

"Yeah."

"The past. Regrets. Sometimes I tell him my thoughts on Shakespeare."

"What does he say?"

"Not much. Mostly just stares at the TV or watches me or drinks beer."

This little piece of information caused Sarah to go bug eyed and latch onto Morgana's arm; "He's been drinking? He can't drink, Morgana."

Sure, Merlin, had always been a bit of a light weight when it came to drinking, Gaius used to say that he'd get one whiff of a barmaid's apron and he'd be under the table but Morgana thought Sarah's reaction was a bit of an over reaction. She shrugged, not really sure what the problem was; "So, everyone's allowed a little alcoholic assistance sometimes."

There were times when she drank an unconscious able amount to numb the pain, to block out the memories of the past, to just feel something. Who was she to judge if Merlin wanted to do the same?

But Sarah was looking panicked, shaking her head, sending her perfect blonde curls flying around her face; "No. Morgana, he can't drink. He's on medication."

On medication? He was immortal, what could he possibly need medical assistance for?

"What for?"

"He's depressed, Morgana." Sarah said it gravely, as if it was new information. He'd watched everyone he ever cared about die and those who kept getting reborn never remembered him, so of course he was depressed. Who wouldn't be?

"He's been through a lot, Sarah, he's entitled to be a little down sometimes."

She suddenly felt very protective of Merlin's mental state, he wasn't crazy, he'd just seen more and been through more than anyone could ever imagine. They had that in common. But Sarah was shaking her head again and digging her fingers into the flesh of Morgana's arm, as if she were trying to convey something that Morgana just wasn't getting.

"Morgana, it's more than being a little down," She looked around, leaned closer and whispered; "A few weeks after I met him, I went to his flat to see him, I knocked but he didn't answer but the door was unlocked, so I went in. He was in the bathroom, sitting in the tub, shirtless, covered in blood."

Morgana felt her heart freeze, stop, possibly break, she was overly aware of her breathing; "Whose blood?"

Had the great Emrys slipped and hurt some innocent soul?

"His own. He'd slit his wrists, Morgana; there was so much blood. He should've been dead."

But he couldn't die, not by a mortal blade; "What did you do?" They were both whispering now.

"Called an ambulance. He was on suicide watch for weeks until he convinced the doctors it was a one time thing, a slip."

"Was it?" She had to know. She knew from all her time of watching him, that Merlin would put himself in dangerous situations but would he purposely hurt himself?

"No. He's more damaged than you can imagine. Just look at his arms, his chest, he's been hurting himself."

Morgana opened her mouth to say something, she didn't know what but shut it again as out of the corner of her eye she saw the object of their whispered conversation slide into a seat opposite them, her copy of Romeo and Juliet in his hands. She must have left it in his flat.

Sarah released her arm quickly and flashed Merlin a cheery smile. Morgana studied him, her gaze flitting over his form, he was skinny, but he'd always been skinny, he was wearing a long sleeved top with a t-shirt over it but he constantly kept his arms covered.

She watched as he thumbed through the book, gathering his thoughts, he cleared his throat; "I've been thinking about the play. Juliet to be specific. She is so isolated and kept away from the rest of the world but she still wants to have control over her life."

"I don't agree," stated Belle, a girl who was usually as quiet as a mouse, apparently she had found her voice; "Juliet is not isolated, she's protected."

Merlin shook his head and raised his gaze and looked straight into Morgana's as he spoke; "She doesn't need protecting. Sometimes when you think you are protecting someone, you are actually doing more harm than good. Sometimes people just need a little understanding."

As she held his gaze, she got the feeling that he was no longer merely talking about the play but also about their shared past.


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin, the sneaky bastard that he was, had snuck out before Morgana could grab him and confront him about what Sarah had told her. She didn't think Sarah was lying but she couldn't quite believe that Merlin was a secret cutter. She didn't believe the mighty Emrys would try to end his immortal life when there were still innocent lives to be saved, fluffy puppies to rescue and the hope his King would arise. And anti-depressants? She shook her head; she didn't believe it, no matter what Sarah said she saw. She saw wrong or maybe she saw what Merlin had wanted her to see; perhaps it was all a ploy to play the part of the downtrodden. But to what end?

She trudged up the stairs to his flat, determined to get some answers and she vaguely thought if he was plotting something devious, she wanted in. Not that he would be.

She breezed into his flat and headed straight for the kitchen, ignoring him sitting on the couch reading Romeo and Juliet. She started opening and closing the kitchen cabinets loudly, not caring if she was disturbing him. Finding nothing in the kitchen, she went into the bathroom, ripped open the cabinet and pulled out the bottle of pills sitting innocently on the shelf. Never been open. Of course. She spun around and caught sight of the bathtub and suddenly an image of Merlin sitting in there, knees pulled up to his chest, arm resting on the side, blood drip, drip, dripping onto the floor assaulted her senses. All it did was piss her off.

She heard him stand up from the couch and come to stand in the doorway; "What are you doing?"

She glared at him, grabbed him by the front of his shirt and pulled him into the bathroom, slamming him against the wall. She used her magic to hold him there, she knew he could get loose if he really wanted to but he stayed put as she ripped his t-shirt and pushed it off his shoulders, baring his skin to her.

She sucked in a breath at what she saw there. His chest was covered by an ugly scar that covered the place where his heart was. She wanted to punch him in his too pretty face. Instead she grabbed his wrists in her hands and raised them for closer inspection, they had several scars where he had sliced through his veins. She dropped his wrists like they were burning her, took a step back and glared at him; "Why would you do this?"

He raised his brows in surprise at the question then his face set in something close to anger. He took a step forward, shaking off her magic and closed the gap between them again, he used his height to look down at her; "What the hell do you care?"

She pressed a palm to his chest and pushed him back into the wall, "Because if anyone's going to be marring your flesh, it's going to be me."

His eyes narrowed and she saw a hint of gold for a moment before he pushed it back and he whispered; "Fuck off, Morgana."

"Tell me why!"

"Because I'm all alone!" He screamed and it made her jump and drop her hand from his chest, he glared at her as tears filled his eyes; "Is that what you want to hear? I'm alone. And it hurts," he smacked a hand to his chest; "It hurts all the time."

She had to look away, she'd never been able to deal with looking at the intensity of his gaze, it was like looking directly at the midday sun.

"Merlin," she said softly, "You can't kill yourself, you're immortal."

"I know!" She could feel his gaze on her, could almost feel his calculating; "But you can."

Her gaze flew back to his; "What?"

He nodded but it was more to himself than to her, as if he had decided on something; "Yes. You can, all we would need to do is get the sword or make another one out of the dragon's breath. You could do it." His voice had taken on a faraway quality, like his body was in the room with her but his mind had fled.

Morgana did the only thing she could think of: she slapped him across the face as hard as she could. She vaguely wondered as she was doing it if those cheekbones of his would cut her. He clutched his face in his hand and looked at her as if that was the biggest betrayal she had ever committed against him.

"I'm not helping you commit suicide, you idiot."

"Morgana," he said her name bitterly, with none of reverence he once had, "I would have thought you would have relished the idea of taking my life."

It was true, once she would have but she was trying to make up for her mistakes, to have the family and friends she had once so craved, to make the most of her second chance and not waste it on revenge and quests for power. She raised her hand to hit him again but he caught her wrist in his hand; "You only get one, Morgana."

She was trapped both in his gaze and in his clutch, his fingers tightening around her wrist. This was how they'd always been, push and pull, both as stubborn as each other. She slapped him with the other hand. And smirked as he released her with a slight push.

"Has the almighty Emrys finally lost his mind?" She sneered, provoking him to anger. Anger, rage, fury she could deal with it meant he was feeling something. And she was good at provoking those feelings from him. She'd perfected it.

Blue eyes flashed to gold and she was flying back landing with a thud against the side of the bathtub, he stared down at her, chest heaving, too many emotions for her to identify in his eyes; "You lost yours first."

"Then we're both fucked, aren't we?" She answered and used her magic to swipe his feet from under him and he came stumbling down to the floor in front of her. She preferred it like this, when they were both on the same level.

Morgana leant her cheek against the cool ceramic of the bath as Merlin kept his head ducked and looked up at her through his lashes; "Why won't you just let me go, Morgana, help me end this life of misery?"

"Because Merlin, you're not done yet, you have to be there when your precious King Arthur rises. Only you can help him adjust to this world. So get your shit together," She waved her hand in the air, "Whatever this depressive funk is about, you need to snap the hell out of it."

He laughed bitterly then as quickly as his laughter started, it stopped, he leaned forward and grasped her chin in his fingers, too tightly to ever be mistaken for tenderness; "Don't you get it? He's not coming back. It's been a thousand years. He is not coming back."

They stared at each other, neither one willing to back down and she wondered when had he become such a defeatist, the Merlin she remembered was full of boyish optimism. It seemed the years had jaded him as much as they had jaded her.

She sighed and pushed him back a lot gentler than she'd previously been treating him, stood and walked out of the bathroom, leaving him sitting on the floor.

"Where are you going?" He called after her.

"I'm starving. I'm going to order a pizza," She replied as she sat on the couch. She heard movement and knew he was skulking in the doorway, watching her; "We can fight with each other later, Merlin, let's just eat."

There was a beat of silence before he sighed heavily and sank down onto the couch beside her, "I don't want to fight with you, Morgana, I never did."

She turned her head to look at him but he was staring straight ahead, she reached out to run a finger down his cheek which was red from where she'd slapped him but then she thought better of it and withdrew her hand and instead said; "So, don't."


	5. Chapter 5

They'd settled into somewhat of a comfortable silence, each nibbling on their pizza, the TV was on showing some rubbish but Merlin seemed completely engrossed by it. Merlin was full of shit, she thought. The only time he'd acknowledged her sitting beside him was when she'd picked the pepperoni off her pizza and placed it onto the side of his plate. He'd looked at her out of the corner of his eye and raised a brow but said nothing, just took the pepperoni and put it onto his own slice.

She realized she'd never spent this much time with him before. Not alone at least. In Camelot, it would have been inappropriate, she was a Lady, the King's ward and a servant, then she was consumed with her quest for what she deemed justice and he was consumed with stopping her. She wondered what life would have been like if he'd confided in her about his magic before….before everything. She couldn't even imagine all the things he could have taught her about magic. They could have been friends. They could have been something. They could have made the world bow down to them. They could have saved the world, could have changed destiny.

She put her plate on the floor and turned on the couch and sat crossed legged and openly stared at him studying him. His fingers twitched but he kept his gaze on the screen, purposely ignoring her.

He was still shirtless, his pale skin covered in scars, some self inflicted, some because he had actively sought out danger in the past. How long, how many years of the past millennium had he been chasing death?

He leaned back on the couch, his head falling back onto the back and closed his eyes, it was like he knew she was looking and was letting her. It was like an open invitation.

Her gaze fell to the scar above his heart, it was an ugly, jagged thing but there was a kind of beauty in the ugly. She reached out to touch it, to trace it, to feel it under her fingers but without opening his eyes, he grabbed her wrist stopping her midway, "Don't."

She tried to pull her wrist free but he held on tight so she sighed and let him keep her wrist prisoner, suspended in midair. But her curiosity got the better of her, she just had to know.

"How did you do it?"

"Beer bottle. Smashed it. Shoved it into my chest."

He said it so calmly, matter of fact, no emotion, like he was informing her what the weather was going to be like that day.

She sat up straighter, taking on the royal air she'd been trained to exude from the time she was a child; "Well, there won't be anymore of that. I won't allow it."

His eyes flew open and he dropped her wrist, she found she missed the contact but his gaze was watching her with something just this side of disdain.

"I'm sorry, My Lady, I didn't realize I was still required to do your bidding." His tone dripped with sarcasm and he used her past title with bitterness. She wanted to hit him again.

"Well, you are," she replied snottily.

"I didn't serve you then, Morgana and I certainly don't serve you now."

"Fine. Then promise. Swear to me, give me your word you won't do it again."

She knew if she could coax a promise from him, he would keep it, they both came from a time when giving your word still meant something, when there was honour in keeping it. And Merlin had honour.

He rolled his eyes at her demand but he leaned forward and looked her directly in the eye; "I give you my word."

She searched his gaze with hers for any sign of deception, when she was satisfied; she retreated back, needing to put some distance between his skin and hers.

"Good. Now do you have a computer? We need to look for a new flat."

Merlin's eyes went wide and he almost dropped the bottle of beer he'd picked up; "What?"

She wiped the bottle out of his grasp and took a sip of the beer herself. "Well, we obviously can't live here. It's only a one bedroom and there is no way I am sharing a bed with you."

"You think we're moving in together?" His voice had raised an octave like it used to when he was panicking or was caught out in a lie or half-truth. She'd once thought it was rather endearing. He looked a little like a doe caught in Arthur's crosshairs. She had to admit she quite enjoyed seeing him squirm.

"I don't think. I know."

"Really? Did you have one of your future telling dreams?"

"No but not everything has to be prophesied."

"You really have lost your mind."

"No. And neither have you. You're not crazy and you're not depressed."

"I'm not?" he asked as he raised his brows and the corners of his mouth quirked like he wanted to smile but was desperately fighting it, "Are you a doctor now?"

"No. But I do think you have posttraumatic stress disorder. I looked it up on the internet." She nodded, quite proud of her diagnosis.

"You used the internet?"

"Yes. I used the Internet. Quite the handy invention that. Did you know you can find all sorts of information on there?"

"Yes," he said, his patience ebbing away, "But can you get back to the part where you think we're going to live together?"

"Yes. All the young people are doing it."

Merlin gestured between the two of them, "You and I aren't exactly young. Also, we're not even friends. We don't even like each other."

"That's not true, I like you just fine."

Merlin sighed and stood up, walked to the door, held it open; "I don't know what game you're playing, Morgana but I'm done playing."

She shook her head; "I'm not playing a game Merlin. I'm sick of being alone, with no one who remembers. Aren't you tired of being alone?"

He just stared at her with the expression that clearly said he still thought she had misplaced all common sense and her mind in general. She decided to take his stare as a 'yes' to her question.

"So, lets be alone together. Besides, it's time we stopped waiting around and actually did something."

He ran a hand through his hair, clearly exasperated by her, "Do something about what?"

"About Arthur." She stated plainly so there was no confusion.

"We've had this discussion, Morgana, Arthur's gone, he's dead and he's not coming back."

"He's not gone. He can't be. He's my redemption."

"I thought that was me."

She waved her hand dismissively; "You're my penance. He's my redemption. There's a difference."

"It's all a moot point."

"Merlin, would you be quiet? I'm trying to explain something to you. We need a new flat to live in because we need a headquarter."

"A headquarters for what? Morgana, I'm not going to help you if you think you're going to make a bid for the throne."

She rolled her eyes, of course he would think she was plotting world domination, "No, nothing like that. We need to figure out a way to bring Arthur back."

"Fine, say that was even possible, where would we start?"

Morgana felt her face forming the smirk she used whenever she was planning something diabolical; "We need to talk to the dragon. And we need to find everyone. Gaius. Guinevere."

Merlin blinked, once, twice, three times, then pushed the door shut, strode back to the couch, sat, elbows on knees, hands clasped together, head bowed and then he turned his head and smiled up at her.


	6. Chapter 6

Morgana looked up and watched Merlin spin and pace the length of the flat in the other direction. He'd been pacing for a good solid hour. He'd also put a shirt on; she was a little disappointed by that. He was twitchy, couldn't sit still but he hadn't kicked her out. Yet. She had his laptop perched on her knee, scrolling through the 'to let' section of a real estate website. She loved technology. Of all the inventions humans had come up with in her time on this earth, Internet was definitely in her top ten.

He stopped in front of her, scowled down at her then started pacing again. She rolled her eyes and squinted at the screen, all of the flats were definitely not up to her standard, not at all fit for a Lady and High Priestess or the most powerful warlock of all time. They needed something befitting of their status. Maybe they should look at townhouses and cottages. A cozy cottage with a fireplace, plush carpets, a sweet little kitchen to cook in. She smiled to herself and ducked her head covering her face with her hair, she felt herself blush as she imagined a life of domesticity with Merlin. She wanted a life, not just an existence.

Merlin stopped in front of her again and pushed the laptop closed almost catching her fingers in the process, he frowned down at her and she wondered if he still remembered any other expression. He'd said nothing to her since she'd told him her idea of a plan, he'd just frowned got up and started pacing.

"That's it? That's the entirety of your plan? Just find them all, round them up, put them all into the same room and hope they remember?"

She shrugged; "It's a work in progress."

He sighed and shook his head sadly; "This is why all your plans for Camelot failed, Morgana, you never thought them through, you just acted on impulse."

"No, my plans failed because there was always a certain someone foiling them."

"So, basically, you have no plan?"

"I have the start of a plan, I was hoping you could flesh it out a bit more." She smiled at him, she was going for an encouraging, comforting smile but his expression remained grim. That sad, vacant feeling crept back into his eyes and she could almost see him retreating back into his own skin and removing himself from her reach. He chuckled bitterly, "You've still got manipulation down to a fine art, Morgana."

"Merlin…."

He started walking to the little kitchen, talking as he went; "No. You almost had me. You played on my memories of who you were, on my guilt at what you became."

"That's not what I was doing."

But he wasn't hearing her, not really, not anymore; "You batted those lashes at me and smiled at me like you used to and you…you just almost had me."

He ripped a cupboard open so hard she thought he would pull it off its hinges and pulled out a bottle of vodka. He opened the cap and took a long sip.

"Why couldn't you have left things alone? I was fine. I was happy. We could have carried on with the way things were with you following me around and me pretending not to notice."

She scoffed; "You weren't fine and you sure as hell weren't happy."

"I was fine!" He screamed. He put the vodka onto the table and leant forward, palms flat on the table and took several deep breaths and she watched fascinated as he tried to calm himself down, as he clenched his hand into a fist then released it. She sucked in a breath as he raised blue eyes filled with unshed tears to meet hers; "I was fine. Then you come strutting in and I just…I couldn't resist you," he paused and pointed a finger to his temple; "I let you get in here. I let you convince me that there was a small grain of hope. I let you convince me I didn't have to be alone anymore."

Morgana looked away and swiped at the moisture in her own eyes. She had to look away; she couldn't watch him looking at her like she was everything that was wrong in his world. Like she had destroyed him even more than he already was. She heard the scrape of the chair against the floor and presumed he had sat down at the table to drink himself into some kind of oblivion. She stood up and turned back to him, he was rolling himself a cigarette, his hand shaking a little. So, he'd found himself yet another vice. She shook her head; she'd played nice and look where it had got her? Time to switch tactics, time to be the icy version of herself.

"You don't have to be alone, Merlin, you just choose to be. Always the martyr. Look at yourself. You talk about what I became but look what you've become," she tilted her head and gave him a smile full of condensation as he narrowed his eyes at her, she knew she was treading on thin ice but she couldn't bring herself to care; "Look at you, the almighty Emrys reduced to being a miserable, borderline alcoholic. What would your precious Arthur think of you now?"

She knew she had gone a step too far when in a flash he was out of the chair, picking up the vodka and throwing it against the wall where it shatter and dripped to the floor. She only had a second to think it was a waste of perfectly good vodka before she was thrown back onto the couch by some unseen force. She struggled to sit up before she shoved back and a hand wrapped around her throat keeping her there as Merlin loomed above her. She knew he couldn't kill her, she knew it logically, but he could hurt her and from the look in his eye, she thought he definitely wanted to hurt her.

"You don't get to talk about him," he growled down at her, "You lost that right a long time ago."

He was right of course. She'd lost the right to utter Arthur's name with any kind of reverence a long time ago. She tangled her fingers into his t-shirt as his fingers tightened around her throat before he let her go, withdrawing back to the opposite of the couch as she sat up, her own hand flying to her throat and gasping for air. This wasn't the boy she once knew in Camelot, this was someone else entirely, someone who had lost everything but who was still here even when he didn't want to be.

"You need to leave, Morgana." His voice was quiet, unsettlingly soft but was more shocking for its softness than his shouting was. She wanted to argue, wanted to say so many things but she realized there was no getting through to him like this. Slowly, with him still watching her, she rose from the couch and went to the door, hesitating there and looking back at him. He'd already dismissed her and was now lighting the cigarette he'd rolled. She turned the handle and exited his flat, racing down the stairs.

She was halfway done the stairs when she came to a screeching stop as a voice from her past crept into her mind. It was the voice of a doctor who had taken her under his wing during the Second World War when she had worked as a nurse. He'd made her sit and hold the hands of soldiers who were beyond repair, men who were missing limbs or who had chunks of flesh missing. Men who would surely not survive. She had complained that she could have been helping those who stood a chance, rather than sitting with those who were no longer whole. She could still remember his kindly expression as he put a hand on her arm and said; "Sometimes, Morgana, all someone needs to feel whole again is a little human contact."

She didn't know why she was standing on Merlin's stairs thinking about the words of a doctor from decades ago. But something about his words in her head inspired something in her, some kind of a thread of an idea.

She raced back up the stairs and threw the door open stopping in the doorway. Merlin was still in the same place she'd left him, sitting in one corner of the couch, in his usual pose, leaning forward, elbows on knees, the smouldering cigarette dangling from his fingers. He looked up at her but said nothing, just watched her as the cigarette in his hand burned down.

She crossed the distance between them, coming to stand right in front of him. She placed her hand on his shoulder and gently pushed him back against the back of the couch. Slowly, she climbed onto his lap, straddling him, she did it slowly to give him the opportunity to push her away but he didn't. She vaguely thought she should be careful so as not to get burnt by the cigarette. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, enveloping him into an awkward one-sided hug. Human contact. She felt him held his breath, and for one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four, he did nothing, just let her hold him. Then just as she was about to lean back, climb off, back away, he brought one arm up and loosely wrapped it around her waist, holding her there. She smiled into his neck. Human contact.


	7. Chapter 7

Morgana bolted upright as someone knocked very loudly on the door. She then shifted uncomfortably; she was not cuddled up all cozy in her own bed but on a couch that had seen better days. She blinked rapidly to get her eyes to adjust as she tried to remember in her early morning haze what the hell she was doing sleeping on Merlin's couch. She'd never been a morning person. Then she remembered, her and Merlin had had yet another one of their charming arguments and then she'd hugged him. And he'd hugged her back for mere seconds before he'd nudged her back to what she now considered her side of the couch. He'd then turned on the TV and they silently watched some terrible movie until she obviously fell asleep.

As the incessant knocking continued, Merlin stumbled out of his bedroom, looking as blurry eyed as she felt and running a hand through his hair; "Don't worry, My Lady," he said mockingly as he passed her on the couch, "You just stay where you are, I'll get the door."

In a moment not at all fitting of her status or of her thousand plus years on the earth, she poked her tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes at her but grinned as he pulled the door open to reveal a far too put together Sarah. It was too early to look that good. Morgana watched and felt a pang of something she didn't want to identify as Sarah and Merlin greeted each other. They were so familiar, so comfortable with each other. Merlin gave Sarah a genuinely bright smile, a smile that had always been reserved for Arthur. Like so many times in her past, Morgana felt as if she were intruding upon a private moment. As Sarah rose up on her toes to press a kiss to Merlin's cheek, she caught sight of Morgana and frowned; "Morgana, what are you doing here?"

Morgana flinched, as her friend's tone was just shy of being accusatory, as if she were secretly corrupting Merlin. Merlin scratched the back of his neck nervously, "Morgana slept over, we were watching a movie and she fell asleep on the couch. Couldn't exactly kick her out."

The way he said it made Morgana think perhaps he wished he had been able to make her leave. Yet, in the light of morning, he seemed to welcome Sarah's company. Sweet Sarah who was still frowning.

"Oh, well, I knew you two had some kind of sordid history and had been talking recently but I didn't realize you were friends."

"We're not," Merlin rushed to reassure Sarah. Morgana blinked at how fast he could dismiss her. She bit her lip to keep from saying something she would regret, or worse still from doing something stupid like tearing up.

She watched as Sarah smiled up at Merlin, "It's strange but I kind of thought the two of you had some epic Romeo and Juliet type thing going on."

Merlin shook his head, not once sparing a glance in Morgana's direction while he told her friend she meant nothing to him. Less than nothing.

"No," he said, "Not with Morgana, never with Morgana."

Well, then. She thought that was probably her cue to leave while her dignity was still intact. She couldn't say that she was really surprised, not with their history but she had thought they were making progress. She realized she couldn't leave as the two of them were blocking the door so she was stuck on the couch while they talked about her and how insignificant she was.

Sarah pulled something out of her bag and held it up for Merlin; it was a cupcake, "Happy Birthday!"

"You have a birthday?" It was out of Morgana's mouth before she could think about what she was about to say. Merlin and Sarah looked at her like she was an idiot, she shook her head, "I mean, I know you have a birthday, it's just I never knew what it was, you never told me."

She felt a little sad that they'd been in each other's lives for such a significant amount of time and she didn't know something so fundamental about him like his date of birth.

She suddenly needed to be as far away from him as possible. She pushed aside the blanket he must have covered her with and stood abruptly, with less grace than she would have liked and slipped between them to get to the door, she lingered in the doorway and looked back at Merlin, offering him a small, sad smile, "Happy Birthday, Merlin."

She raced down the stairs, not waiting to see if he said anything or tried to keep her there. She walked briskly to her own flat, her mind whirling with voices from the past. One whispered that she didn't deserve to know intimate things about him. She shook it off.

Shoving the key into her lock, she let herself into her flat and kicked the door shut behind her as she rushed into her bedroom, dropped to her knees and pulled the folder from where she kept it hidden between her mattress and bedframe. She sat back on the floor and spread the pieces of paper around her. Images of Arthur, Gwen, Morgause, Gaius and Merlin stared back at her. She'd drawn them a long time ago, all from memory, so she wouldn't forget. She didn't have the luxury of photography to capture her memories.

When she'd come back to life after Merlin had run the sword through her, she'd snuck back into Camelot and stolen one of the drawings the Court Artist had done of Arthur, she'd just wanted to have an image of her brother to take with her but that image didn't do him justice so she'd tried her hand at it herself and was pleasantly surprised at the results. She'd taken a few art classes over the years, dabbling in pastels, watercolours and oils but pencil was still her preferred medium and her subjects never changed. This was something she never shared with anyone. This was just for her, a way to preserve her memories exactly as they had been in colour.

Sitting there, an idea came to her, and she smirked to herself, she went to the wardrobe and stood on her tip toes to reach the top shelf where she kept her sketch pad, pencils and coloured pencils.

She returned to her spot on the floor, leaned her back against the frame of her bed, and pulled the pad onto her knees, her pencil hovering over the page. She started sketching out the outline of a Knight fighting a winged beast. Not just a knight. A King. A fierce warrior King. A King who once was and would be again.

She sat like that for hours, sketching, smudging, erasing, and squinting at the image filling the page, colouring in, and making it as real as possible.

The day was just starting to ebb away before she decided she was content with the image she had created, with what it represented, she stretched and flexed her hand, then rolled the drawing up and put one of her hair ties around it.

Morgana was halfway back to Merlin's when seeds of doubt started to creep in. What if Sarah was still there? What if Merlin had gone somewhere with Sarah? What if he didn't like her attempt at a gift? Maybe it was a bad idea. By the time she actually got to Merlin's door she'd half talked herself out of it but then thought since she was there she should probably knock anyway. She knocked lightly and told herself she would wait half a minute before fleeing back to her own flat. She thought maybe Merlin had been right and they should just go back to her stalking him. It had worked for the last thousand years, why mess with a good thing.

Her plans for fleeing were brought to an abrupt stop when the door opened and she was face to face with Merlin. She gaped at him for half a moment, then plastered on her regal expression, flung the drawing at him and breezed past him into his flat looking around for any sign of Sarah. There were none. There was a vinyl copy of one of Nirvana's albums lying on the table, she picked it up and studied it, she didn't know he liked Nirvana. Just one more thing she didn't know about a person she thought she knew so well. She heard him softly click the door shut and turned to look at him just in time to see him watching her.

"Sarah gave me that."

She nodded, put the record back on the table and nodded at the rolled up drawing in his hand, "That's for you. Happy Birthday."

He didn't say anything, just gently unrolled the paper and stared down at the drawing, expression unreadable. She waited for him to say something but he just stared at the drawing. She couldn't take it anymore, she marched across to him and tried to grab the drawing back; "If you don't like it, just give it back."

He shook his head and held it out of her reach; "No. You can't just take a gift back, that's not how it works."

Any other time and she would have found it amusing that he was giving her a lesson in etiquette but instead she frowned and made another bid to snatch it, "So, you don't like it?"

"I didn't say that. Did you draw it?"

"Yes. I know it's crude but I tried."

Merlin smiled down at her, "Morgana, I thought you said you haven't lost your mind."

"I haven't."

"Really? Because this is anything but crude. You've captured Arthur in the midst of battle perfectly."

She watched as he stared at the drawing with some kind of mix of nostalgia and awe.

"Merlin, how did I not know it was your birthday?"

He shrugged and didn't tear his gaze away from the image of Arthur as he answered; "I never really celebrated my birthday much after I came to Camelot and then not really since then."

"But how did Sarah know."

"She saw it on my University ID card."

"You used your actual birthday?"

"Not the year, obviously, but yeah."

She nodded, bit her lip and tried to figure out a way to ask what she wanted to ask without ruining the moment.

"You told Sarah we weren't friends." She left out the part where it had caused a pain in her chest when he said that.

He leaned against the door and looked at her for a moment as if contemplating his reply; "We're not, Morgana. We were once, a long time ago."

"We could be again." She hated that she sounded so unsure, so vulnerable and he held the power of what their relationship would be from now on.

He nodded, "Perhaps." But he softened the blow with a small smile.

She smiled back, nodded, actually the possibility a perhaps offered. She bit her lip and just had to ask one more time; "Merlin?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you really like the drawing?"

He shook his head, stepped away from the door and stepped closer to her, leaned down so that they were eye to eye; "Morgana, it is the best gift I have ever been given."

He brushed passed her, leaving her standing there grinning like a fool.


	8. Chapter 8

_Note: Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews. I am really enjoying writing this story, I know a lot of fanfics portray Morgana as all dark and twisty but I am interpreting her character as having a thousand plus years to reflect upon what happened and how that could change her. I think through it all she was fundamentally the same person she always was but got a little lost in her own fear and hatred and with certain people influencing her._

 ** _ellerose95:_** _I think Merlin does feel guilt about the things he has done to Morgana but I don't believe he is totally at fault, they just kind of react to each and I don't think he should be the only one constantly seeking forgiveness and that is how I am trying to write it._

 ** _HoRnIe DeMoN:_** _I think alcohol and drugs could affect both Merlin and Morgana - at least in my world they can - but I don't think it would be to the same degree as the rest of us meaning I think they probably have a higher tolerance than the average person._

 ** _sjritts:_** _Thank you so much for your reviews! They are very insightful and I feel like you totally get where I'm going with this!_

Merlin threw a pillow at Morgana and quickly followed it up with a comforter that landed on top of her. Morgana grinned up at him and felt a sense of triumph. Maybe she was winning the battle of wills about cohabitation.

She played innocent and quirked a brow, keeping the rest of her expression neutral; "What's this then?"

Merlin shrugged; "If you insist on sleeping on my couch, I guess you need bedding."

She twirled a piece of hair around her finger and looked up at him through her lashes, "What I need is an actual bedroom with a bed, preferably a four poster one."

"I'm sure you have all of that at your own flat."

She pouted, "Yes but my flat is very lonely," she raised up on her knees on the couch and grabbed the hem of him t-shirt pulling him closer, "Think about it. A cozy little cottage for two immortals. How about it?"

He lightly batted her hand away from his clothing, "How about 'no'."

She fell back on the couch and frowned, "Why not? Why are you so averse to living with me? I would happen to be a very good roommate. Besides it wouldn't be the first time we've lived together."

He rolled his eyes, "You and I have never lived together, Morgana."

"Camelot? We lived in the same castle."

"I lived with Gaius and you lived in the Royal chambers. A sprawling Castle is vastly different to a cozy cottage."

He sighed and slowly crouched down in front of the couch, tilted his head in the way he did when he was trying to figure her out, "Why is this so important to you?"

She stared back at him, not really sure how to answer that, she'd told him before that she didn't want to be alone. That was true. She'd also said they needed to be together to figure out a way to get Arthur back. Also, true but it was more than that. She wanted to help him realize his life meant something beyond his destiny as Emrys. She felt safe with him, which was a strange concept considering he'd been the one to end her life so long ago, she was still haunted by nightmares of both the past and less frequently, the future, she didn't have them when he was near, it was as if his mere presence chased off the demons that haunted her mind. Which was, of course, ridiculous and something she could never really articulate out loud to him. He'd look at her with something close to pity, which was not a look she wanted to see from him.

She shook her head; "It just is."

He nodded, accepting her answer for what it was, he rose to his full height but he was still looking at her like she was a puzzle a he couldn't figure out. Then he looked away briefly, shook his head and when he turned his gaze back to her, that look was gone.

"You need to go back to your own flat. You need to get ready."

She frowned at him, "Ready for what?"

"We're going to the pub for a few drinks to celebrate my birthday. Sarah's idea." He said it, his voice flat and he looked about as excited by the prospect as he had when he was off to muck out Arthur's horses. And hadn't Sarah only recently been lecturing Morgana about not letting Merlin drink and now she was encouraging him to head to the pub?

"Or," Morgana started with a coaxing smile; "We could stay here, get some food which has no nutritional value and watch Beauty and the Beast."

Merlin smiled, one of his more genuine smiles which reminded her of the clumsy, enduring, cheeky manservant she'd met so long ago and made her wish again for a little cottage in the countryside, "As nice as that sounds, Sarah was excited about this so.." he ended with a shrug and an apology in his eyes.

Once again, Morgana was thinking less than generous thoughts for her friend, of course they were going. Wouldn't want to disappoint Sarah. Heaven forbid. That would be worse than treason.

Shaking off thoughts of putting some kind of enchantment on Sarah to cause her to come out in hives or boils or something, Morgana stood up and stood toe to toe with Merlin, silently counting his lashes and smirking at what his reaction would be if he knew that was what she did whenever they were this close, "I don't need to go back to my flat, I'll just get ready here."

"But you don't have any clothes here."

She brushed past him, heading to his bedroom to rifle through his stuff, "Don't need them, I'll just wear something of yours," she threw over her shoulder.

She was looking through his drawer of t-shirts when he finally emerged, lingering in the doorway, "What do you mean you'll wear something of mine?"

She held up a long white men's singlet and went to the wardrobe and pulled out a pull and white shirt, held it up to herself and smiled when it came mid-thigh.

Merlin looked appalled, shook his head; "No, you can't wear that, it's not decent, not fitting attire for a lady."

She grinned at how easy he reverted back to his Camelot role and how he worried for her virtue, "Relax, Merlin, it will cover all the important parts, besides, it's the twenty-first century, girls wear less in public."

She brushed past him, patting him on the chest and she heard him mutter; "Yes, but you're not like those girls."

She couldn't decide if that was a compliment or not as she shut the bathroom door and studied her outfit for the evening, she was right it would cover everything, she would put the singlet underneath for added coverage, leave the shirt half unbuttoned and put her black belt around her waist to give it more shape and then top it off with the heels she'd left there a few days ago.

She wondered if there'd be music at the pub and if she'd be able to get Merlin to dance with her. Just once. Maybe twice.

She stood in front of the mirror and braided her hair into a loose side braid and thought about the feasts they had in Camelot. She used to enjoy those, not just for the feasts themselves but for the time spent getting ready, the time her and Gwen would spent looking through her dresses picking the perfect one and then deciding on how to do her hair, chatting and gossiping about the going ons at court, which servant was pining for another, the ridiculous tasks Arthur demanded of his servants. She often missed those times, it had all seemed simpler back then.

She turned the shower on to a heat just shy of being scolding, she liked the feeling of the hot water beating down on her skin, she liked the feel of being really clean, she supposed it was a throwback to living in the hovel and then being stuck down a well. She scrubbed at her body with Merlin's generic bar of soap, no fancy body wash for him. She smiled to herself as she wondered if he sang in the shower. He probably didn't.

As she dried herself and put on her outfit for her first venture in the world with Merlin, she could hear low, quiet voices coming from the living room. She tiptoed to the door, cracked it open ever so slightly so she could listen in and pressed her back to the wall.

"What did Morgana get you? Did she even get you anything, I mean it sounded like she didn't even know about your birthday."

"She gave me a drawing."

"A drawing?" Sarah said it in her usually bubbly tone, but Morgana sensed a harshness hidden beneath. Merlin must have heard it too because his tone took on an almost defensive quality.

"It's amazing. Quite special, the perfect gift really, she's incredibly talented."

"Really? Can I see it?"

"No." Merlin stated, in the tone that said it was the end of the conversation, "It's private. Just between her and me."

"Why? Is it a naked picture? Of her?"

"No! Nothing like that."

"Then, what? What is it about her that you can't tell me? You said you're not friends."

Morgana heard Merlin sighed and could picture him pushing his fingers through his hair, "It's complicated."

"Explain it to me."

"Look, I thought you liked Morgana, Sarah, thought she was your friend."

"I do. She is but she's not good for you. Explain why you've let her back into your life."

Morgana wanted Merlin to tell Sarah to bugger off, to mind her own damn business but of course he didn't.

"She's the darkness to my light, or she was, it might be the other way round now. She was, is my biggest regret. We've done terrible things to each other but we can't quite let each other go."

"Maybe it's time you did." _Yeah, I bet you'd love that,_ Morgana thought bitterly.

Another sigh from Merlin, "I can't."

"Were you in love with her?" There was definitely jealousy in Sarah's tone. Morgana held her breath as she waited for the answer to that one. There was a long pause and she thought maybe Merlin wasn't going to answer but then she heard quietly; "Sometimes love and hate exists in equal measure but sometimes they are too simplistic to describe all the things I've felt for Morgana over the years."

"I just don't get it, Merlin."

"You don't have to understand it but Morgana has been in my life in one form or another for a really long time and she's not going anywhere so you just need to accept it."

"Are you saying that if you had to choose between me and Morgana, you'd choose her?"

"I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, you're friends with me and you're friends with her, there's no reason we can't all be friends," he paused and Morgana could almost hear him shaking his head and contemplating what to say next, "But should someone force my hand, Morgana would win hands down."

Well, there you go. Morgana felt herself grinning like an idiot and then realized she'd probably been standing behind in the door eavesdropping for a tad too long, so she hopped around the bathroom trying to put her heels on and double checked her appearance in the mirror before she pulled open the door open and walked back into the living room. She was also trying her best to act like she had no idea what they had been talking about. But she was the Lady Morgana and she could pull off aloofness like nobody's business. She focused on Merlin so that she didn't glare at Sarah. He offered her a small smile. She smiled back.

"So, are we going to get this show on the road?"

Merlin nodded, "Yeah, let's go."

She watched as Sarah placed her hand on Merlin's arm and said; "Don't you want to put a jacket or something on first?"

"Oh, uh, right."

Morgana frowned and narrowed her eyes, it wasn't too cold outside yet, it would get cold later but they'd be in a warm pub until then. But then she noticed Sarah's gaze on Merlin's wrists. And she got it. Sarah wanted him to cover his scars. She watched as Merlin rubbed at them. She grabbed him, wrapped her hand around his wrist, stepped closer to him, reached around and picked up his jacket from the arm of the couch.

"I'll look after this until later. It's not cold out yet. Plus, we might dance at the pub." She watched as his gaze flitted uncertainly from her, to his scars and to her hand that clutched his jacket, she stepped closer still so she was in his space, looked at him with certainty, "You don't need it."

Keeping her fingers firmly around his wrist, she pulled him toward the door and decided she definitely wanted to glare at Sarah. So, she did.


	9. Chapter 9

Morgana sat perched on a bar stool as she picked the olive out of her martini and popped it into her mouth. She still couldn't decide if a martini was her drink or not. The quest for the perfect drink seemed to last for eternity, which she supposed was good since she actually had all of eternity.

On the walk to the pub she'd shrugged her arms into Merlin's jacket to stop him from putting it on himself and then she had put it onto the seat of her bar stool claiming she didn't want to sit directly on the stool as she didn't know who had sat there, Merlin had rolled his eyes and said; "As you wish, My Lady." As Sarah had frowned at the two of them.

She had to admit she was having a good time, they'd laughed at other people's poor attempts at dancing, and Merlin had even cracked a smile once or twice.

Morgana resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she heard Sarah sigh from across the table.

"You should let him have his jacket, he's uncomfortable."

Morgana looked over her shoulder to the bar where Merlin was ordering a drink and chatting with the barman, she watched as he smiled at something and turned back to Sarah, pinning her with a look; "He's fine. He's not uncomfortable. You are."

"Of course I am," Sarah hissed across the table.

Morgana shrugged, "Why? His scars are a part of who he is."

"They aren't part of who he is, they're evidence of how damaged he is. He doesn't need to put that damage on display for everyone to see."

Morgana shook her head and felt disgust towards the girl whom she had considered her friend, "He's been through more than you can possibly imagine."

"But you can?"

"I've been through most of it with him. We understand each other."

Sarah leaned across the table, her eyes wide and imploring, "I want to understand. I want to help him. Explain it to me."

Morgana picked up her glass and drained it as she considered it, she could tell Sarah things that she would never believe, stories of mythical creatures, magic and destiny and a King who would live again. But she shook her head instead, "It's not my story to tell. But I will tell you this, he's incredibly lonely."

"Merlin's not alone," Sarah stated firmly.

"There's a difference between being alone and being lonely."

Sarah straightened and frowned; "And of course, I couldn't possibly understand, only you can because you and Merlin have such a deep connection," she said it bitterly, sarcastically.

Morgana sighed, "Merlin and I are complicated but if you want to be close to him you have to accept him scars and all."

"I do!"

She tilted her head and studying Sarah, "Really because you want him to cover them up."

"So people won't stare at him and judge him."

"Seems to me the only person judging is you. If you're uncomfortable with his scars, that's your problem, not his."

She hopped down from the bar stool and left Sarah to think that one over. She made her way to the bar where Merlin was now leaning back against the bar and watching her, an expression of pure exasperation on his face. Exasperation at her, she was guessing. She came up right to him, standing toe to toe; the way he was leaning back against the bar meant they were nearly eye to eye.

"Could you please try not to argue with Sarah?"

"I wasn't arguing with her."

"Really? Because you had that look on your face."

"What look?"

"The haughty Lady Morgana look."

"Really?" she said with a smile as she swiped his beer off the bar and took a sip, "And what does that look like?"

He took the beer back from her, their fingers brushing and she wondered if he felt the spark of something that came from that small contact, "It's the look you wore in Camelot when you thought you were right or you thought someone was beneath you."

"Did I ever look at you like that?" She thought she probably had, there was a time when because of her power and the truth of her birth she'd thought everyone was beneath her. Before she knew him as Emrys she had thought of him as a mere servant. But there was a part of her now that hoped she never made him feel insignificant.

He shrugged, "Sometimes."

That sadness in his eye that had been there before was starting to creep back in and she wanted to wipe it away. She decided it was time to change the subject, she hooked a finger in the belt loop of his jeans and pulled him a little closer, she wanted to hug him but they'd only shared one hug and she wasn't sure if he was ready for that so she just kept her finger hooked in his belt loop and smiled up at him, "Are you having fun?"

He shook his head and said seriously, "I never have fun, Morgana, not anymore."

She felt her face drop, the smile falling away, he noticed it too and quickly tried to offer her a small smile which was really more of a quirk of the lips, "But, this isn't the worst night ever."

She would take that. She gave his belt loop a little shake, "You know you still have to dance with me."

"I don't dance, Morgana."

"With me, you will."

He raised a brow, "Really? Is that an order, princess?"

She grinned, "No, that's just a strongly issued request. A request that you can't say no to."

She thought they were having a nice little moment, thought it was all going so well, until Merlin's gaze fell on something or someone over her shoulder and he froze, looking stunned and his skin turning paler than usual if that were even possible. She had just opened her mouth to ask him what was wrong when he gently pushed her away, causing her finger to slip out of his belt loop and rushed off toward the bathrooms.

She stared after him, wondering what the hell had just happened, she looked to Sarah to see if she knew what was going on but was met with an accusatory frown. And her eye caught exactly what had shocked Merlin. There, just inside the entranceway of the pub, was a man. A man she recognized, the epitome of tall, dark and handsome. She also knew he was the epitome of honour. Lancelot. The man who Gwen had a little crush on before she fell in love with Arthur, he was also the man Morgana had temporarily brought back to life and used as a pawn to break up Arthur and Gwen. He was also Merlin's friend.

Sighing, Morgana made her way to the bathrooms and lingered by the door trying to decide whether or not to go into the men's. Merlin had a history of hurting himself, she needed to go in there and make sure he wasn't doing anything stupid. Make sure he wasn't breaking his promise to her.

She pushed the door open and strode in, her breath hitching a little at the sight that met her. Merlin was in one of the cubicles, sitting on the closed lid of a toilet, tears streaming down his face. He looked up at her and swiped at the tears. She crossed the distance and slide down to her knees on the floor in front of him.

"Morgana," he said, his voice choked and strangled by his tears, "Get up, don't sit on the floor, it's filthy."

"You're having a slight nervous breakdown and you're worried about me sitting on a dirty floor?" She asked in a voice that wasn't much louder than a whisper.

"I saw Lancelot."

She nodded, "I know, I saw him too. Why don't you go and introduce yourself, say hello?"

"I can't. He won't know who I am. Who he is. He'll look straight through me like I'm nothing, just a random stranger."

Well, if that didn't just make her heart ache. She reached up and swiped a tear away from his cheekbone and smiled at him sadly, "He can still be your friend even if he doesn't remember. And Merlin, nobody could ever look straight through you."

"You don't understand."

"So make me."

He took a deep breath, held it for a second, and then released it, "Lancelot was different to everyone else, he knew who and what I was and he never looked at me with fear or distrust, he just accepted me and was my friend anyway."

And no one else had ever done that. She took his hand in her own and threaded their fingers together, she thought he would pull away but he didn't, "He is still the same person, Merlin, give him the chance to be that friend again."

He clasped her hand tighter but shook his head, "I can't. I just can't. It hurts too much to remember the way it was and be the only one who does."

She nodded, she could understand that. They sat like that for a long moment, Morgana holding Merlin's hand while he steadied his breathing and wiped any leftover tears from his face with the other. She randomly wondered if he'd shed any tears for her after he'd killed her, she hoped so.

"We should get back out there, I'm sure Sarah is getting worried," she said as she reluctantly untangled her hand from his and stood up, she also added silently in her head that Sarah probably thought they'd snuck off to do something scandalous. Morgana thought maybe she'd let her think that.

"You go, I'll be there in a minute."

Morgana looked at Merlin wondering if she should leave him alone but then nodded and headed back into the main pub. She slid back onto her bar stool with Sarah watching her, she smiled sweetly back.

"What's going on, Morgana?"

"Merlin saw someone we both used to know and it just upset him a little but he's fine."

"Who was it?"

But before she could reply, Merlin appeared back at the table looking wrecked; "Don't worry about it, Sarah, I'm fine."

"You're clearly not fine." Sarah said in a tone that said she didn't believe him, Morgana hoped she wouldn't push the issue.

Merlin shook his head and ran a hand through his hair and Morgana saw Sarah's eyes flit to his scars.

"I just want to go home." He said tiredly.

Sarah perked and smiled brightly, "Ok, well come on let's go."

Merlin shook his head; "Actually, I just really want to be alone."

Sarah deflated at that, "Oh, ok."

Merlin took a few steps away from the table then turned back; "Morgana?"

"I thought you said you wanted to be alone," Sarah said, glaring at Morgana who hadn't moved from her seat.

Merlin shrugged, "I can be alone with Morgana there."

Both Morgana and Sarah watched as he strode out of the pub, Morgana shrugged, stood, grabbed Merlin's jacket, smiled smugly at Sarah and followed Merlin out.


	10. Chapter 10

Once again, Morgana had followed Merlin home, except this time he knew she was there and though he walked fast, he kept slowing down to let her catch up or he would stop at the lights and wait for her. The walk was made in silence and for once she decided not to push the issue and force a conversation. Though she did have a lot she wanted to say.

The silence had lingered long after they'd got inside his flat and situated themselves on the couch, Beauty and the Beast in the DVD player. She had her hands wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate while he was sticking with beer. She had her legs in his lap and the comforter was covering them. He was watching the movie but she was watching him. Beauty and the Beast was her favourite Disney movie but at the moment he was much more compelling viewing for her. It was just at the point where the Beast took Belle for a spin around the ballroom when she decided to break the silence; she thought it probably wasn't wise to broach the Lancelot subject just yet so settled for the other pressing issue of the night.

"You do realize, Merlin, that Sarah completely and utterly has a thing for you?" She posed it as a question but it was really more of a statement of fact. He shot her a sideways look and she thought it was a look which was him silently telling her that he was once again questioning her sanity.

"Oh, don't look at me like that, you know it's true."

"We're friends."

She nudged him with her foot, "Sarah wants to be a little more than that. She is very possessive, she all of a sudden hates me."

"She doesn't hate you. But you have to admit you aren't exactly inclusive, she feels a little left out."

"She feels left out? Well, I'm sorry how exactly do you want me to make her feel included in our joint history? Shall I tell her that King Arthur and all his adventures happened and you and I were along for the ride? That we've lived for a thousand plus years? That you are _the_ Merlin, the most powerful warlock to ever walk the earth and that I'm a high priestess?"

"Morgana…"

"Shall I tell her about how you poisoned me, I tortured you, tried to kill my brother and father and tried to claim the crown for myself and then we had this epic battle in which Arthur was killed, you shoved a magical sword into me, I died and then about a week later I awakened and have been immortal ever since? Do you know what will happen then? Sarah will have both you and I committed and we will spend a good chunk of time in padded cells until we cook up a cunning escape plan."

He was now looking at her as if she was a weird cross between crazy and amusing, "Ok. Don't say that but be a little more welcoming."

"I will be more welcoming if you accept that she is into you."

"Morgana…"

She giggled, enjoying teasing him, "She wants in your pants, she want to get down and dirty with you, she wants to do bad, nasty things to you."

"No she doesn't."

"Whatever you want to believe, Merlin."

"Thank you, Morgana, that's very gracious of you."

She nodded and smiled into her hot chocolate and wished she had brought marshmallows over because for some reason Merlin didn't have any and let's face it hot chocolate just wasn't the same without them.

She couldn't believe that Merlin couldn't see that Sarah was totally lusting after him, had a little crush and obviously that was the biggest problem she had with Morgana.

"This is the first time he's come back," Merlin said suddenly and it took Morgana a moment or two figure out what he was talking about but she kind of figured out it had something to do with Lancelot. Still she furrowed her brow at him.

"What?"

"Lancelot, he's never come back before."

"Like, ever?"

"Yeah, everyone else keeps being reborn but not him."

"But surely….."

"Morgana, I've gone looking for him and not once in a thousand years has he come back."

She felt like there was something significant in this but she couldn't pin it down, "Why?"

He shrugged, "I thought it was because of that time you ripped the veil between the worlds and he sacrificed himself to put it back together."

She didn't really want to think about that time considering she'd killed her sister to achieve that feat, "But now here he is, right?"

"Yeah, here he is."

"So, what are we going to do?"

"Do?" He asked giving her that weird look and she felt him retreating back to himself, she sat up, placed her mug on the coffee table and reached out and grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to her.

"Yes, do, Merlin, you can't continue avoiding things. We have to think about this because it is important. I think it's important that Lancelot has never been reincarnated but he is here now."

He jerked away from her and glared at her and it wasn't his 'I've got so many issues, leave me alone' glare it was more of his 'I am emrys and kind of badass and you should fear me' glare. She hadn't seen that glare for a while.

"You think I have been avoiding things for the last millennium? That I've just been pissing the years away, that I've not even tried to make us all come together so Arthur would have something to come back to?"

Time to back track a little, time to not infuriate the person who had more power in his body than was really fair, the person who could destroy this flat with a mere look.

"Merlin, that's not what….."

But he wasn't listening to her, anger was practically vibrating off him and he shoved her legs off his lap and got up and went into his bedroom, there was the sound of him obviously looking for something. He came back out with an ancient looking book, threw it at her and glared down at her.

"You think I haven't read this thing back and front over and over again trying to find something, anything to get back to the way things were. To figure out why Lancelot never came back, why none of them ever remembered."

She picked up the book and flipped through it, it was old and beautiful and completely his. She was trying not to let it show but she was just as frustrated as he was, it was like they took one step forwards and two steps back.

"That was not what I was saying and you know it!" She stood up and shoved him in the chest, "You take everything I say and twist it around because you're so fucked up and can't see that I'm trying to help you!"

"I'm fucked up?!" He screamed in her face but she refused to step back, "I'm fucked up?! You wrote the book on being fucked up!"

"I wrote the book on fucked up?!" She was yelling now, too.

"Yes! You with your failed plans to usurp the throne and kill hundreds of innocent people all because you have daddy issues!"

She laughed bitterly, "Thank you, Doctor Merlin for reducing my emotional issues into a twenty-first century cliché! At least I'm not 'oh, woe is me, I'm all powerful but I can't tell anyone, I'm so misunderstood and nobody from the past remembers me because I won't man-up and talk to them'!"

"Oh because it's so easy!"

"I never said it was easy! But all this wallowing in your own misery is clearly not working for you!"

He took a step back from her and looked slightly wounded and she realized that she might have gone a little too far. Then he shook his head and it was like he was shaking all of his feelings off and then he just looked emotionally void and when he spoke his voice was flat, "I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Morgana."

She watched him go and sank down onto the couch and wondered what the hell just happened and then she was pissed off again. She got up and stormed into his bedroom, the door bouncing off the wall. Merlin was already lying in bed but sat up as she thundered into the room.

"What the hell was that?!"

He ran a hand through his hair and said tiredly, "What the hell was what?"

She pointed back toward the living room, "That?! One minute we're screaming at each other and the next you're just done?"

"I told you, I don't want to fight with you, Morgana."

"And I don't want to fight with you either, Merlin but sometimes I really, really just want to slap you."

"You've already done that. A few times."

"Yes but we need to talk about the Lancelot situation without the yelling or the slapping."

"Whatever you say, My Lady."

Morgana sighed and waggled her finger at him, "Stop doing that, stop using my Camelot title as an insult."

"Would you prefer I used it as a term of endearment?" He was smirking at her and it infuriated her.

"I would prefer it actually, Merlin, but I can sense that perhaps you were taking the piss with that question."

"Perhaps a little. So, you want to have a rational conversation about the situation, I can't even remember when the two of us had an actual rational conversation."

"I do, it was right before you decided to poison me." She smiled sweetly, walked to the bed, pushed back the covers and climbed in beside Merlin. He gave her a look that was a whole load of panic. She smiled even more at him, "So, let's talk rationally, now."

"Now? In my bed?"

"Yes," she said as she cuddled down, his bed was actually surprisingly comfy considering it was, she suspected at least second hand, maybe even third or fourth though she didn't want to think about that too much. "Right now."

He sighed; "You know, you shouldn't have worn my clothes tonight, it just fuelled Sarah's insecurities."

"Why?" She didn't see what the big deal was, she'd needed something to wear and to be honest she didn't care about Sarah's insecurities.

"Seriously? You don't understand? Wearing my clothes is like marking your territory, like you're telling her I am yours."

She shrugged, "You are. You're my destiny and my doom, remember?"

He released another long suffering sigh, "Yes, I know, I knew it before you did but she doesn't know all that, to her it just means there's another context to our relationship that she doesn't know about. You might as well have peed on me."

She raised a brow, "Merlin, it's not as if you and her are together."

"No but I don't want to hurt her feelings."

She rolled her eyes, "Of course you don't. But anyway let's get back to Lancelot."

"Do you believe in time travel, Morgana?"

She rolled over onto her side and looked up at him as he still sat leaning against the headboard, "What?"

"Last century I wondered if it were possible, I wasted so much time researching, looking up theories but then realized there was no actual evidence of it being possible."

"You wanted to go back in time?" For some reason she found the idea incredibly sad but she didn't know why.

He shrugged and avoided her gaze, "I thought if I could go back, I could change everything, I could stop Arthur from dying, stop my father from dying, I could change so many things, I could have stopped them all from dying. I could have saved you."

She propped herself up on her elbow, "You wanted to save me?"

"I wanted to not destroy you."

She sat up and crossed her legs and studied him, she bit her lip, "You think you destroyed me?"

He sighed and it was shaky and sad and heartbreaking, "Yes. In the moment I didn't tell you about my magic, in the moment I chose to poison you, I destroyed you."

"Merlin, look at me," he continued to stare straight a head so she grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her, "Merlin, you didn't destroy me. There were a lot of contributing factors that led me down the path I went down but at the end of the day it was my own free will."

"Morgana."

"No. Merlin. I know you are full of guilt and barely suppressed pain but me and my life choices are not your fault. I absolve you of your guilt on that one."

He tried for a smile and looked down at her, his eyes betraying the many years he had roamed the earth, "You can't just absolve me of my guilt that's not how it works."

"Too bad, I just did."

He pulled her fingers away from his chin but didn't let them go, he kept hold of her fingers hooking his index finger with her own. And there it was again: Human contact. She was going to work up to another hug slowly.

"So, time travel is out then," she said, "I still think you should talk to Lancelot, what if interacting with you is the key to making him remember?"

"I don't think so, I have talked to all the others over the years but they've never remembered."

"But we've already established that Lancelot is different with the only just coming back so maybe he's different in that aspect too."

"I don't think I can do it."

"I could talk to him. Maybe the theory would still work if it were me who talks to him. Maybe it just needs to be someone magical."

"I don't think this is a feasible theory. I've tried many theories over time, Morgana."

"So, what's one more, then?"

He looked at her for a moment then nodded, "Ok but if there's not even a spark of recognition in him, don't tell me, just never mention it again."

She wriggled closer to him and rested her head on his arm, "Deal." She closed her eyes suddenly feeling very tired.

"Don't fall asleep here, Morgana, don't get too comfy, you're going back to the couch." He said it softly but even as he said it, he was pulling the comforter up to her chin.


	11. Chapter 11

**_Note:_** _This chapter is from Merlin's point of view, the majority of this story is going to be from Morgana's but for some reason I just really wanted to write something from Merlin's point of view and see where he is coming from and what is going on in his head a little bit._

He couldn't believe he was doing this. How exactly had he agreed to this? How had she convinced him? Oh, right because she was Morgana and she had that way of getting whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. To be fair, he supposed she was off doing his dirty work, or at least that's the line she'd told him to convince him to pick up some stuff from her flat. She was off at the pub hoping Lancelot would turn up again and she was going to talk to him. He thought that probably meant she was going to bat her eyelashes and flirt with Lancelot. And why oh why was he picking up her shit and taking it back to his place? He didn't want her there but he just couldn't bring himself to make her leave. Plus there was still part of the manservant somewhere inside of him and she was still the Lady Morgana.

He didn't trust her. She could be plotting something, lulling him into a false sense of security. But then there was times when she'd look at him like she used to before and she'd followed his every move for a millennium and knew every time he found them reincarnated, she could have hurt them, killed them but she never even breathed in their directions.

He should have just stayed home and yet there he was one corner away from Morgana's flat debating the merits of keeping her around. He was considering turning around and going back to his own flat when his phone rang, he pulled it out of his pocket and swiped the screen to answer the call, "Hello?"

He couldn't decide if he was hoping it would be Morgana or not. Instead, it was Sarah's voice that came over the line, "Merlin, hey, I just wanted to know if you wanted to meet up at the pub? Say, fifteen minutes?"

He stopped in front of the building and sighed, things would be so much easier if he could just say yes to that and go drink and forget his troubles for the night but instead he was going to go rifling through Morgana's personal belongings.

"I can't, Sarah, I told Morgana I'd help her out with a few things."

"What things?"

"I said I'd pick some stuff up for her."

He heard her sigh heavily, it was the sigh of someone who clearly had something they wanted to say but were trying to hold it in because it was something the other person wouldn't want to hear.

He sat down on the stoop to Morgana's flat, "Whatever it is, Sarah, just say it."

Another sigh, "I just…I feel like you two are a closed circle, you have all this history between you that neither of you will elaborate on it. But it does not seem like a good type of history."

"It was good and bad."

"This is just a guess, but Merlin, it seems like she is bad for you, like she is toxic, like maybe she made you the way you are not. Broken."

He felt himself get defensive and protective over Morgana but again he just put it down to left over servitude.

"Sarah," he started, his voice lower and harsher than he intended it to be and he swallowed to get it back to its usual tone, "Did you ever consider that perhaps I was and am the one who is bad for her, that maybe I made her the way she is, that maybe the two fucked up individuals you see are the result of what I did?"

"Merlin," she said quietly and he thought he heard a hitch in her voice, the one that said she was close to tearing up.

He shook his head, even though she couldn't see him, "I'm sorry, Sarah but I have to go."

For the first time since he'd met Sarah, he hung up on her. He got up off the stoop and raced up to Morgana's door, took a deep breath and let himself into her world.

It wasn't what he was expecting, though he wasn't sure what exactly it was he was expecting, he guessed something dark and gothic, something that reflected the bitter soul she was in the end in Camelot. But this….it was vibrant, colourful, it was warm and inviting, none of the things he had associated with Morgana.

Was who she was now a trick? Could she have really changed so quickly? But then he supposed a thousand years wasn't exactly quickly, even if it was only a mere drop in the ocean to two immortals that literally had an infinity worth of time.

He tried to shake off the thoughts about Morgana's seemingly split personality and focus more on the task at hand. She'd said she wanted those marshmallows she was always saying he needed to buy. He strode to the kitchen and pulled open a cabinet door. The cupboard was empty. So, he went to the next and the next and the next. All empty. He pulled open the fridge and besides a half empty bottle of milk, it too was empty. Morgana's cupboards were bare. Literally. She had not a scrap of food. He felt a strange niggle of worry creeping up his spine but shook it off and told himself that she probably just forgot to shop. She had more important things to worry about after all. Like stalking him, sitting on his couch and fighting with him. He was her penance. He grinned slightly at that.

He thought since he was there he might as well snoop, know thy enemy and all that. He perused her bookshelf, eying up her books on DaVinci and Picasso and Van Gogh and other obscure artists he couldn't remember. He made a mental note to take a few books back with him. Not that he wanted her to be comfortable or at home in his flat. It's just she'd probably remember she wanted some of her books and bitch at him for not just knowing that.

He moved onto her other shelf, which was home to CDs and DVDs, obviously Morgana was one of those people who still listened to CDs and watched DVDs. Something on the shelf caught his eye, a CD case with his name on it, he looked around the flat as if he expected Morgana to walk in on him, then pulled the CD from its place on the shelf. There on the cover in Morgana's writing it said: 'Songs that remind me of Merlin'. Weird. He looked back at the shelf and saw other CDs labeled 'Arthur' and 'Gwen'. But the only one that interested him was the one with his name on it. He pocketed it to listen to later.

He went into the bedroom and stared. She really did have a four-poster bed. Ever the Princess. Pulling open the wardrobe, he pulled down the suitcase she had on the shelf, set it on the bed and opened it then turned back to the wardrobe. What had she said? Jeans, t-shirts, boots, coat. He started chucking the various items unceremoniously into the suitcase. And then he froze. Underwear. Had she said anything about underwear? He didn't really fancy rifling through her underwear drawer but a voice that sounded worryingly like Gaius whispered in his head, 'The Lady Morgana cannot go without undergarments, Merlin.'

So, that was how he found himself pulling open one of the drawers of Morgana's dressing table and staring down at the frilly, lacy items that lay there. He decided he wasn't prepared to pick any of these items up so he pulled the drawer out completely and dumped the contents into the suitcase.

When he finished shaking the drawer, there on the pile of Morgana's unmentionables was a small, carved wooden dragon. _His_ wooden dragon. The one his father had given him. Merlin had thought he'd lost it in Camelot sometime between delivering Arthur to Avalon and Gwen growing old and dying without an heir. Now it was clear, Morgana had become a kleptomaniac and stolen it. He pocketed the little dragon, settling it in beside the CD; he reasoned with himself that it wasn't really stealing; that he wasn't stealing from her if the item he was taking belonged to him to begin with.

When he walked back into his own flat, Morgana was already sitting on the couch, hot chocolate in hand, still wearing the clothes she wore to the pub, which by the way were his even though he asked her not to wear his wardrobe out in public. Apparently, his opinion and the fact they were his clothes meant nothing to her.

She looked up at him, opened her mouth like she was going to say something and then shut it again. He dropped her suitcase on the floor. Her not saying anything meant it hadn't gone well. Lancelot didn't remember.

He slumped down beside her, feeling defeated, "How did it go, Morgana?"

"You said you didn't want to know."

"Just tell me."

She shrugged, the shirt she was wearing as a dress slipped down her shoulder a little with the action, "It was fine. It was actually fun. He brought me a drink, we chatted, and he's still a really nice guy."

"You flirted with him didn't you?"

"No, of course not," she smiled coyly, "Though he did ask for my number."

"Did you give it to him?"

"Aww, Merlin, are you jealous?"

"No, just worried about Lancelot, you might be somewhat of a vixen or is it siren?"

She laughed quietly, "Well, he's safe from me, you have my word."

He smiled and nodded and then his smile slipped away, "So, not even a tiny slither of recognition?"

"Not in relation to me."

He frowned, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I may have slipped your name into conversation and his eyes kind of glazed over for a split second. And he whispered your name."

Merlin shrugged, "It doesn't mean anything."

"What do you mean it doesn't mean anything, he recognized, remembered your name."

"Everybody who has ever heard any of the King Arthur legends knows my name, it doesn't mean anything." He got up off the couch, went into his bedroom, slammed the door and hoped she wouldn't follow.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Note:**_ _So, this chapter is written from Merlin's point of view, I wanted to portray that Morgana also has issues of her own and Merlin realising that. I am not as comfortable writing in Merlin's point of view but feel it is important for the story. Also, I want to stress that self-harm of any kind and in any form are extremely serious issues and ones which inevitably never have an easy fix and should never be treated as if they do. I don't believe that a person should seek help in order to become better for the person they are with or wish to be with, they should seek help because they wish to become better for themselves and no one else. That is not to say that I don't think that another person can't help with the healing process or help the person with these issues to see their own self worth. I really hope that I can treat these issues with the sensitivity that they deserve. Also, for anyone who is reading this and are going through any issues which are similar, please remember that you are worth something and your life has meaning even if at this point of time it is difficult to see._

 _On a happier note here is a youtube playlist of a few of the songs that I imagine Morgana putting on a CD to remind her of Merlin, this is by no means a complete list and if you have any song suggestions, please let me know:_

playlist?list=PLGS6CshI6IVDZ3fix5XIZXk87prWxyJ0a

Merlin walked into his living room/kitchen and found Morgana sitting at the table thumbing through some book. She hadn't followed him into his bedroom the night before and badgered him about Lancelot and for that he was eternally grateful. Maybe not eternally, after all he had an eternity and that was a long time to be grateful.

He strode to the table, pulled the wooden dragon out of the pocket of the hoodie he'd been wearing the night before and placed it on the table in front of Morgana. She looked at it, and then at him, back at it, "You snooped at my flat."

"Ok, one: it was in your underwear drawer and two: if you didn't want me to snoop you shouldn't have sent me to get your stuff."

She narrowed her eyes at him and leaned back in the chair, it was a very 'Morgana' look and he was sure if he blinked they'd be back in the Great Hall of Camelot, her glaring as Uther passed judgment on some poor unfortunate soul who had been accused of sorcery whether or not they had magic.

"You, Merlin," she pointed a finger at him, "Have no sense of boundaries."

He pressed his palms flat on the table and leaned down toward her, " _I_ have no sense of boundaries? You've forced your way into my flat, my life, my head and I've no sense of boundaries?"

He was speaking at his normal volume, no raised voices, there was even a hint of humour, of amusement in his tone and Morgana was trying not to smirk. He wasn't angry really, he probably should be, she'd stolen from him but he wasn't so concerned with that fact he was more interested in why she'd taken it.

She shrugged, "I didn't go rifling through your personal belongings."

"I wasn't rifling, I was packing your underwear."

She raised an eyebrow, "You were packing my underwear?"

"Yes. Can't have you wandering around without any underwear on."

She smiled and leaned closer as if she were going to tell him a secret, "Merlin, it's the twenty first century, a good percentage of women you pass in the street will be going without underwear."

"Well, you won't be one of those women."

She laughed, a light lilting laugh that said she found him extremely entertaining, it was the way she had once laughed at him in a time long passed.

"Besides, Morgana, this," he gestured at the dragon, "Isn't your personal belonging, you stole it from me."

She pouted at him, "It's been mine for the past thousand years, and I even named it."

"You named it? Wait, no that's not the point."

"What's the point, Merlin? Does it even matter anymore, it's just a carved piece of wood."

He ran a hand through his hair as he contemplated telling her the truth, did he really want to share any personal information with her, information he hadn't even shared with Arthur? But it would be a small price to pay if telling her meant she would tell him why she took it.

"My father carved it for me, he was a dragon lord."

She looked fascinated, "That means you're a dragon lord."

"Yes."

"Well, aren't you just full of surprises?" She looked down at her phone and frowned, "I've got to go, I've got class but we will finish this conversation later."

She pushed back the chair, stood up and went to brush past him but he caught her by the arm before she could leave, "Why did you take it, Morgana?"

They stood, his hand wrapped around her upper arm, each watching the other, each searching for answers to questions they had yet to ask.

She shook her head and shrugged out of his grasp, "It doesn't matter, Merlin, not anymore."

She reached over and picked up the small dragon, shoved it into her pocket and walked around him to get to the door, dodging his grasp and slamming the door behind her.

Well, at least there'd been yelling. It seemed as though yelling had been their only successful form of communication. It was good that they were branching out. He looked around his flat, around his kitchen, there was no dishes, no signs that she'd made herself any breakfast, not even any of her favoured hot chocolate. No food at her flat. And that niggling feeling of worry came rushing back.

He pulled out his phone and the 'Merlin' CD; he placed the CD on the table and focused on his phone. He scrolled through his contacts until he got to her name and pushed call. She picked up before it had rung even three times.

"Merlin." She sounded sad, as if she were disappointed in him and it made him feel guilty. Which was fitting, guilt was the theme of his everlasting life.

"I'm sorry, Sarah."

"For what?"

"Snapping at you. Hanging up on you. Basically being a clotpole." The old insult he used for Arthur just slipped out and he smiled at it.

She giggled, it was a much more girly, young, innocent giggle than Morgana's, Morgana's was sultrier, and he instantly felt bad for comparing the two.

"Clotpole? That's not even a word. But I forgive you, Merlin."

"Thank you. You want to come over?"

He smiled, he knew she'd say yes, she'd pretend to think it over but she'd still say yes. His friendship with her was so easy, uncomplicated, he knew what to expect from her. Morgana could never be described as easy, one minute she'd be yelling at him, the next she'd be in his lap hugging him or lying in his bed trying to coax him into talking to an old friend who was suffering reincarnation induced amnesia.

"Yeah, I can be there in say half an hour."

After they hung up, Merlin picked up the CD and put it into his player, sat on the couch, leaned his head back and listened to the songs Morgana deemed fitting as reminders of him.

As he listened, he realized if the songs were representations of how she felt about him, then she had no clue about her feelings. They were clearly conflicted. Also, her taste in music ran the spectrum of pop to rock. He also wondered what songs he would choose if he had to make a CD about her.

Before he could explore that thought too much there was a light knock on his door, he stood, pressed 'stop' on the CD and pulled the door open, grinning at Sarah who reached up and pecked him on the cheek and he tried not to let it show that that small gesture of human contact didn't make him uncomfortable. She breezed into his flat, all sweetness and bubbly steps almost like a little skip, again the opposite to Morgana who always walked like the world belonged to her.

Sarah perched down onto his couch, sitting on the very edge; Morgana always sank back into it, crossing her legs, snuggling into the corner as if it had always been her spot.

He shook his head, mentally slapping himself, telling himself to stop comparing Sarah and Morgana.

"So, what do you want to do?" Sarah asked, giving him that beaming smile of hers.

"Morgana."

Sarah's face fell. "What?"

Shit. Not at all what he wanted to say. "I mean, I want to talk about Morgana."

He thought he saw Sarah roll her eyes and she definitely sighed, "What about her?"

He sat down on the edge of the coffee table; he didn't want to sit on the couch with Sarah. He and Morgana sat on the couch together and watched movies or didn't talk. It was their thing. Not that he and Morgana had any type of thing. They weren't even friends, Sarah and Merlin were friends.

"You've hung out at Morgana's flat before, right?"

"Yeah."

"Did you notice anything weird about the kitchen?"

Sarah licked her lips and looked away before meeting his gaze again, "You mean the complete and utter lack of any type of food?"

So, it wasn't a one-time thing. Morgana hadn't forgotten to go shopping. He nodded, "Yeah, that. You've seen her eat, though, right?"

"Not a lot, no, she tends to drink a lot of tea or hot chocolate and when she does eat she seems to feel bad about it. Guilty."

"Ok, well what is that about?"

Sarah shook her head sadly, "I think Morgana has an eating disorder."

Could someone who was immortal, who couldn't die through any type of mortal means, have an eating disorder? He sat up straight and schooled his features into an expression of pure determination, "Ok. How do I fix her?" He asked as he pulled his laptop onto his knees and opened it and fired it up, fully intending to find the answer on Google.

Sarah pushed the laptop shut, almost onto his fingers and looked at him with a look full of pity, "You can't fix her, Merlin, it's not something you can just fix."

"I have to." He'd failed to save her once before, he couldn't do it again.

"You can't, this isn't like putting a band aid on a cut and letting it heal. She obviously has issues that have manifested into this."

"Issues that I helped cause," he muttered.

"This is what I'm talking about, Merlin, you both have so many issues from an obviously painful shared past, and you just can't be good for each other."

"That's not true."

"Don't add her issues to your own, Merlin."

But even as Sarah said it, they both knew he'd taken Morgana's problems on as his own.


	13. Chapter 13

_Note: So, this one is back to Morgana's point of view. I started out this story with the idea that Sarah would be the common thread between Merlin and Morgana but somehow she's turned into this kind of unlikeable character but I'm actually ok with that._

Morgana pushed the door to Merlin's flat open, feeling pretty good about her day, she'd achieved a lot and she couldn't wait to tell Merlin about the latest development in her plan to getting a Lancelot/Merlin reunion. Unfortunately, Merlin wasn't home alone. Sarah was perched on the couch looking perfectly put together and like a perfect, little blonde ballerina. Merlin was leaning against the kitchen cabinet drinking a beer; Morgana smirked to herself thinking about how Sarah must have bitched at him about that one considering she thought he was actually taking those anti-depressants. He tilted his head and looked at her with a desperate saddened concern she hadn't seen from him for a very long time.

"Sarah's trying to find a movie for us to watch tonight," Merlin informed her, his voice flat.

She shook her head, "No. There will be no cozy movie night tonight. We're going to the pub."

"Can we do something that doesn't involve alcohol, for once?" Sarah asked.

"You don't have to come." Morgana snapped back and returned her gaze to Merlin and held up her phone, "Tonight we are meeting up with…our friend and you are going to be polite, maybe smile and see that I am right."

"Morgana…."

"What friend?" Sarah asked, she was obviously trying to catch onto the thread of the conversation but it was difficult to catch onto the secret meanings and the things that weren't being said when you didn't know the language.

Without breaking eye contact with Merlin, Morgana stated, flippantly, "No one you'd know, Sarah."

"We're not doing this tonight, Morgana." Merlin said as if he really had any choice in the matter.

"We are. Tell you what, you come for a little trip to the pub with me, Merlin and I'll tell you why I took your little dragon." She said as she patted the pocket that housed the little carving.

Merlin nodded and pushed away from the cabinets, "Tell me now and I'll come with you."

Morgana shook her head, "No. You have to promise, swear it, give me your word."

He narrowed his eyes and watched her. He was taking his sweet time deciding. She sighed, started to turn away, "Fine. You'll never know, then."

"Wait," he said, resigned and she smiled, knowing she'd got her way, she turned back to him, "You have my word, I'll come with you, My Lady," he smirked as he said her title and gave her a mocking bow.

She could feel Sarah watching them and judging them and probably frowning at them but she couldn't be bothered to turn and glare at her not when Merlin was smiling at her again.

"Come on, then Morgana, why'd you take it?"

She thought about lying, coming up with some elaborate story, saying it was something to do with some diabolical plan she'd cooked up and had just never gotten rid of the thing. The truth made her too vulnerable. But then he would never believe the truth anyway, so what would it hurt to tell him. Truth it was then. But did she want to say the truth with Sarah sitting right behind them? She looked over her shoulder and saw Sarah sitting there, her attention completely on the two of them, like she was watching some riveting drama on the TV.

Taking a deep breath, she raised her gaze back to Merlin's and said softly, "I took it because I wanted something of yours and that was just the first thing I saw. And it reminded me of Aithusa."

As predicted, he was looking at her as if he didn't quite believe her, like he wasn't sure if he should or could but he nodded, "Can I have it back?"

"No."

"Whatever it is, it's his, you stole it from him, just give it back." This time Morgana did glare at Sarah over her shoulder.

She clutched at the dragon through her pocket and looked at Merlin, "Can we share it?"

He offered her a small smile, "Yeah, we can share it."

She nodded and stepped back, separating herself from the emotional vulnerability the moment was making her feel, "Good. Right, I need to go find something to wear tonight; do you have a red shirt? Red's always been my colour."

"Morgana," Merlin said on a sigh, "You have your own clothes here, you can't and don't need to wear mine."

"True. But they look damn good on me. Also, I like the look on you face when I wear them out in public."

She saw Sarah roll her eyes, "Stop flirting with him, Morgana."

"Why?" She said as she went into Merlin's bedroom to rifle through his shirts, "Are you jealous of the competition, Sarah?"

She slammed the door shut before Sarah could reply and looked through Merlin's shirts, he didn't have a red one, pity, but he did have a long denim one. That would do. As she dressed, she could hear Sarah chastising Merlin for letting her get her way. What Sarah didn't realize was Merlin wanted to meet up with Lancelot just as much he was just nervous and worried they wouldn't get the result they wanted.

She came out of the bedroom and smiled as Merlin looked at her, sighed and finished his beer in one go. "Right, let's go."

Sarah looked appalled, "You're letting her wear that?"

"Sarah," Merlin said in a tone that was long suffering, "I'm not 'letting' Morgana do anything, she does what she wants."

"It's true, I do." Morgana said as she led the way out and they walked to the pub, Sarah and Merlin walking a few paces behind her talking about their shared Uni classes and probably their shared disapproval of her in general.

She walked into the pub and scanned the small crowd and smiled when she saw Lancelot – or Lance as was his name in this life – at the bar.

Merlin sidled up to her, "How did you organize this anyway, thought you said you didn't give him your number?"

She shrugged, "I didn't. He gave me his."

"Of course he did," Merlin said drily with a hint of disapproval.

Morgana smiled at him and started to walk toward Lancelot but stopped when she remembered Sarah, Sarah couldn't be with them if Lancelot did remember something. She turned to Sarah and Merlin and smiled, "Why don't you find us a table, Sarah?" She gestured in a way that was similar to a dismissal or of someone being shooed. She waited until Sarah went towards the tabled area, then she tugged on Merlin's sleeve, "You're with me," she said as she practically dragged him to the bar.

Lancelot smiled charmingly when he saw her and kissed her cheek, "Morgana."

"Hello." She tugged Merlin forward and presented him to Lancelot, "This is my friend, Merlin, remember I told you about him?"

Lancelot held his hand out for Merlin to shake and Morgana watched the interaction carefully for any sign of…something, anything. Merlin looked at her, uncertain, and then put his hand in his old friend's one. As soon as they clasped hands, something happened, Morgana couldn't really describe it; it was like Lancelot shook off the persona of his reincarnated self with that one contact of skin.

"Merlin," he said, voice filled with what Morgana could only call fondness, "You can't keep your magic secret from Arthur forever, he deserves to know, he won't persecute you for it, and you know he won't."

With a sharp intake of breath and eyes filled with tears, Merlin ripped his hand away and took a stumbling step back. Lancelot shook his head, looking disorientated, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. I don't know what I was even saying."

The moment was gone. And when she turned to Merlin, he was also gone, pushing his way out of the pub with Sarah following closely behind.


	14. Chapter 14

Morgana apologized profusely to a very confused Lancelot and promised to text him, call him or both and pushed her way through the pub and made her way back to Merlin's flat. Even though he'd scampered off, she still felt a sense of triumph, she had been right, Lancelot remembered, somewhere deep inside of him was the knight he once was and it seemed Merlin was the key to bringing him to the surface. It meant there was hope. Hope for them, hope for Arthur. And they both needed a little bit of hope. She wasn't sure what version of Merlin she would be greeted with when she walked into his flat: would it be the yelling, raging Merlin or the solemn Merlin, or the Merlin who looked at her with such betrayal in his eyes?

She didn't even get into the doorway before Sarah was in the face, arms crossed looking at her like she was the reason for every terrible thing in the world. Maybe she was responsible for every terrible thing in Merlin's world but she wasn't entirely convinced this was a terrible thing. It was a good thing.

"What the hell happened, Morgana?"

"We just saw somebody we used to know," She said absently as she tried to get around Sarah and get to Merlin.

"He's freaking out. He's using vodka to numb whatever he's feeling."

"And let me guess, you think this is all my fault?"

"You're certainly not helping."

"Look, it's incredibly cute how protective you are of Merlin," she said her tone condescending, she should really work on being nicer but she was quickly losing patience, "But you need to move."

But Sarah wasn't budging, "I think you should just go back to your own place. He doesn't need you tonight."

"Why? Because you're here? You have no idea what he needs. Now move before I make you move."

Sarah looked like she was going to hold her ground but then sighed and stepped aside and Morgana walked into the flat. Merlin was pacing the length of the room, raising a vodka bottle to his lips with shaking hands. His hands weren't the only things that were shaking. His cheeks were stained with tears and his eyes were filled with unshed ones.

She took a step towards him but was stopped by Sarah's hand on her arm, "Haven't you done enough to him? Can't you just leave him alone?"

She shook her hand off, "I didn't do this to him. And no, I can't leave him alone, I never could."

"Look at him, Morgana, he's in shock."

She looked, she could see, he was shaking, shivering really and barely just holding it together, she knew what happened to her when she was in a state like this, she could never hold her magic in completely. She thought it would probably be the same for Merlin. She couldn't let Sarah see that, couldn't let her see his complete vulnerability.

She looked at Sarah who was watching Merlin, "You need to leave."

Sarah shook her head, "No, I'm not going anywhere."

Morgana rolled her eyes, grabbed Sarah by the arm and pulled her to the door, "He's fine. I've got him." She shoved Sarah out the door and slammed the door and locked it before Sarah could protest.

She turned back to Merlin who was now watching her with eyes that flashed from blue to gold and back again.

"Morgana," he whispered, his voice hitching and cracking. His hands were shaking so much that the bottle slipped from his fingers and crashed to the floor. He stared down at it. He was in shock. What did she know about shock? Something about sugar. Should she make him a cup of tea? She crossed the room to get to him.

He shook his head, "Morgana…glass."

She looked down and tiptoed around the pieces of glass littering the floor. She'd have to clean that up.

"Merlin, it's ok."

He shook his head again, "No…so cold."

She had helped treat patients with shock during the war but that was physical shock after losing a limb or being bombed. This was emotional. She was out of her depth. Maybe she should have let Sarah stay. She shook off that thought, she could do this, and she didn't need help. She could handle Merlin.

She nodded to herself as he stood there shaking and shivering and watching her. She grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him to the bathroom. If he were cold, she'd warm him up. That she could do. She opened the shower door, turned the shower on as hot as would be bearable. She shoved him into the shower, he flinched as the water hit his skin and she followed him in. They stood under the water as his breathing evened out and the goosebumps on his skin disappeared. When she thought he was calm enough, she clutched at his wet shirt, stepping closer to him, "He remembered, Merlin. It was just for a moment but he remembered."

"I know."

"He remembered because of you."

"I know. But is it selfish of me to want him to remember? He has a life now, one not filled with death and destruction."

She shook her head, "It's not selfish, it's destiny."

"I really fucking hate destiny."

She laughed and held his shirt tighter, his eyes were clearing, staying that shocking shade of blue, he was coming back to himself, shaking off the shock.

"Yeah. Me too."

He smiled back at her and she watched as the water dripped off his lashes and ran down his face washing away whatever tears were still lingering there.

They stood under the water, almost touching, watching each other and each thinking about the possibility of having another member of their super secret club of misfits from Camelot. It was quite a nice little moment she thought. Until Merlin blinked, shook off the rest of his shock and melancholy and said, "There's no food in you flat, Morgana."

She dropped her hand from where it was still clinging to his shirt, opened the shower door and stepped out and flinched as the cold air hit her body. Merlin shut off the shower and followed her out. As she wrapped a towel around herself and held onto it for dear life, he shut the bathroom door and stood in front of it, stopping her exit plan.

She sighed, "Merlin, it's not a big deal, I just haven't done a shop yet, plus I'm here all the time."

He shook his head, "No. I talked to Sarah, she said you barely eat."

"You talked to Sarah about me?" She asked feeling trapped, angry and betrayed. She shook her head, her long hair dripping droplets of water onto the floor, "You had not right."

"I had no right?" He asked with barely suppressed indignation, "But you have a right to know every intimate detail about me?"

"We all have our pain."

"So, why do you get to know about mine but you won't tell me yours?"

"Because it's none of your business!"

It was a turn around, she was the one screaming and he was shockingly calm.

"It is if you're doing something to hurt yourself."

She could feel her eyes filling with tears but she refused to cry, "Now you care?"

"I've always cared, Morgana."

"Oh, right, how silly of me for not realizing poisoning me or shoving a sword into me were actually tokens of your affection!"

The way he was watching her was unsettling and unnerving but she knew there was no getting past him. Why couldn't they ever have a nice conversation without yelling or personal demons getting in the way?

"Are you starving yourself, Morgana?"

"Of course not!"

"If you're going to lie to me at least make it a good lie." Now, he sounded and looked angry but that was ok, she thought angry looked good on him.

She clutched the towel closer to her body as if that mere piece of cloth could protect her from his gaze and his judgment, "It's not as if I need to actually eat. Not to survive."

"No, just to function." Sarcasm didn't suit him, she thought.

"I'm fine." She realized she was repeating the very same thing he said to her when she confronted him about his scars.

"Why? Morgana, why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I'm fine, Merlin."

But he wasn't listening, "Is it because of this century's ridiculous definition of beauty?"

She glared at him, "Once again, Merlin, you are reducing me to a cliché."

"I'm trying to figure this out, I'm trying to help you."

She'd had enough. She strode to the door and pushed him aside with a heavy shove, pulled the door open but he grabbed her arm and pushed her against the door frame and leaned down and said close to her ear, "I don't know what this is about but you're beautiful, Morgana, don't ever think otherwise."

He released her and brushed past her, leaving her standing in the doorway, dripping water onto the floor and feeling as if he had transferred his feeling of shock onto her.


	15. Chapter 15

"Are you going to sit in here all night?" Merlin asked her as she still sat against the wall in the bathroom, still in her still wet clothes from the shower. She wished he'd just leave her alone. She wished she could get her shit together and get up and walk out of his flat. But it appeared she was rapidly losing her carefully put together composure and she was doing it on Merlin's bathroom floor. She'd tried so hard to make him see her as whole, as perfectly put together, like the past had little effect on her, she wanted to focus on his problems, to help him. She'd either hoped to help him or for him to do something to make her hate him like she did before. But now he was looking at her like something he needed to fix and she wasn't sure if she could handle that. And then he'd said that she was beautiful, in that softly sincere voice of his and she wanted to hit him. She wanted to cause him damage because he couldn't understand. So, she was staying where she was, on his bathroom floor.

He pushed away from the door frame and came closer to her, lowering himself down to sit beside her, wrapping the blanket he was holding around her shoulders. He'd changed his clothes and looked fresh and warm and if she didn't already know she would never have guessed that no so long ago he was shaking and shivering and trying to process the fact that the was some small part of his reincarnated friend who remembered him. She stared straight ahead at the bathtub; she hadn't realized he'd had such a nice tub. She wondered if he'd let her use it, if he'd go and get her some bubbles or something for it and let her soak for hours.

"I called Sarah, she's coming back. It wasn't nice of you to kick her out."

She didn't give a damn about being nice. Especially since Sarah had clearly told Merlin all of her secrets, even if her friend didn't actually know them herself.

She didn't say anything, didn't really feel like talking, she wanted to tell him to go away but she didn't really entirely mind if he stayed either. It seemed as though he was perfectly happy to carry on the conversation all by himself.

"Sarah's bringing pizza. You don't have to eat it but I'd like you to try a little."

She felt him reach behind them and pull the towel off the rack and he started to gently lift up pieces of her hair and rub it with the towel.

"Maybe Sarah can do your hair, like Gwen used to." He was talking softly, soothingly. She hated to admit that she found it comforting. She might even let Sarah touch her hair if he kept talking to her like that.

"Can I tell you a secret, Morgana?" He asked still methodically rubbing her hair in the towel. She stared at the bath and waited for him to continue talking, when he still remained silent, she inched a little closer to him so that her side was touching his. It probably made drying her hair more difficult but he didn't say anything. She felt him drop the towel and pick up a piece of her hair and start to weave it into a sloppy braid, she'd more than likely have knots tomorrow but she was ok with that.

"When I first came to Camelot, I thought you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen."

The front door opened and closed and Merlin stopped talking and dropped the piece of hair he'd been braiding and called out, "Sarah? We're in the bathroom."

Morgana kept her gaze on the bath but for some reason the image was blurry. That was when she realized her eyes were filled and over flowing with tears.

She heard Sarah step into the bathroom and then she was crouching down in front of Morgana, filling her vision.

"Morgana? Shit, Merlin, she's crying." Sarah sounded worried. Worried for her.

"She's fine, Sarah."

"Merlin, she's fucking crying, what happened? One minute you're having a freak out and now she's crying."

"She's fine," Merlin said firmly, "We're just having a little party in here."

Sarah reached forward and lifted the blanket slightly, "Merlin, she's soaking wet."

Morgana felt Merlin brush Sarah's hands away and wrap the blanket even more tightly around her, "She's fine. I've got her, Sarah. Sit down and let's eat some pizza."

"She's going to catch her death of cold."

"She's not going to catch her death of anything," Morgana could hear the frustration in Merlin's voice and wanted to smile at the irony of the phrase but her eyes were still betraying her and still producing tears.

She watched as Sarah settled herself back against the bath and kept her gaze fixed on Morgana. Sarah looked like she wanted to say something but then thought better of it. Sarah opened the pizza box and handed a slice to Merlin, then held one out to Morgana.

"No, Sarah, she'll share with me."

Morgana saw Sarah raise a brow but she didn't say anything, Morgana turned her head and looked at Merlin. His face was so close to hers that she could see the different shades of blue in his eyes as he looked back at her. He gave her a small smile and picked a piece of pepperoni of the end of the slice and ripped a bit of the crust off and offered it to her. She eyed him warily. He sighed and leaned closer until their noses almost touched and whispered, "Just one little bit, please."

She pulled her hand out from under the blanket and took the piece he offered her and popped it into her mouth and chewed it. Sitting with Merlin and thinking about how warm he was and how the warmth from his body radiating to her own made the voices in her head disappear. They were the voices that told her she was not good enough, that she was the cause of every bad thing in her life, that she didn't deserve to exist when so many other good people didn't anymore. Sometimes those voices sounded like Uther. She chewed her small piece of pizza and took the next one he passed her and leaned her head on his shoulder.

As Sarah and Merlin fell into conversation about some random topic that Morgana couldn't really care about or concentrate on, she closed her eyes and just listened to the sound of Merlin's voice and the feel of his shoulder under her cheek and his arm now resting on her knee.


	16. Chapter 16

_Note: With this one I wanted to portray how broken Morgana really is and I hope I have done that effectively. Morgana is rather good at hiding her own issues but Merlin needed to see them. Also, there is a conversation which I think they really needed to have that they never had in the show which bugged me. I also wanted to show that Morgana's issues started long before she ever turned 'evil' though I personally don't think she was ever really evil, I think evil is too simplistic of a term. I think you can do the wrong thing for the right reason as much as the right thing for the wrong reason. I personally see Morgana as a much more complicated of a character than she was portrayed in the show._

Sarah and Merlin left her sitting on the bathroom floor when Sarah said she needed to get home and Merlin had reluctantly disentangled himself from Morgana and got up and followed her out. Morgana could hear them talking quietly. Talking about her.

"Why don't I take her back to her flat and stay with her?" Sarah asked.

Morgana held her breath while she waited for Merlin's reply, she didn't want to go with Sarah, she didn't want him to send her away, she would do whatever he wanted as long as he didn't send her away. People were always leaving her or sending her away.

"No. She's fine. She just needs a good night's sleep."

"Merlin…"

"No!" He raised his voice and then lowered it again, his tone taking on a desperate, commanding quality, "I won't let you take her away from me."

"I'm not trying to take her away from you. It just might be good for you two to have some time apart, just for tonight." She could hear Sarah was using her soothing voice.

She didn't care how soothing her voice was, if Sarah tried to make her leave, she would hurt her and she wouldn't even need to use her magic to do it.

Merlin sighed, "We don't need to be apart, Sarah, when we're apart that's when things really go to shit. We're fine. Just go home. I'll let you know if we need anything."

"Fine. But I'm coming back in the morning."

She heard the telling signs of Sarah leaving, the door shutting behind her and then Merlin was back in the bathroom doorway looking down at Morgana. He crouched down in front of her. She thought she preferred it when he was the one drowning in his issues and she was the one helping him. But he was being so nice to her and she liked that too. A lot. It had been a long time since he'd been this nice to her. When he was nice she felt like she wanted to whisper all her secrets to him, like he wouldn't judge her or look at her in disgust.

"All I ever had that was worth anything before I learned of my magic was my body and my face. Uther said it would be his greatest asset if he needed to form an alliance through my marriage."

He shook his head; "You were always worth more than that, Morgana, at least to me."

She smiled sadly, "Not really. You were so loyal to Arthur; he was the most important thing to you. I couldn't compete with that."

"You didn't have to."

"I'd been competing with him for most of my life. You were his servant. I wanted you to be my friend."

"I was your friend, Morgana."

"Merlin, you were never my friend, not then, not now. I didn't have friends, not really."

She looked away from him, remembering the way he'd lied to her about her magic, his magic, the way he saw her as a problem that needed solving and now here she was again, once more a problem he needed to solve. Maybe she should have gone back to her flat with Sarah. At least then she wouldn't have him looking at her like there was something fundamentally wrong with her.

"Why didn't you tell me about your magic when I told you that I suspected my dreams were a result of magic? If I'd known who you were…what you were, I would have worshipped you, I would have followed you anywhere." She felt a tear slip out.

Before she could wipe it away, Merlin reached out and lightly brushed at her skin with his thumb, "Morgana, you did follow me anywhere."

He was referring to a thousand years worth of stalking, she shook her head, "It's not the same thing."

He lightly, gently took her by the arms and stood up, helping her to her feet as he did so, "Come on, we need to get you out of these wet clothes."

She clutched at his arms, "Why couldn't you trust me? Why wasn't I good enough?"

"Oh, Morgana."

"Why did you poison me?" She asked, feeling the betrayal of that moment all over again and knowing this was a question she should have asked, a conversation they should have had lifetimes ago, "I never knew why. Morgause tried to tell me it was because you hated me because you knew of my magic. I didn't want to believe that, I told her that you weren't like that but the longer I was with her and the more I thought about it, the more it seemed the only logical explanation."

He was looking at her like her words were physically hurting him, "I didn't hate you, Morgana. I didn't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. But I thought you were betraying us, Morgause had used you as the vessel for the spell. If I could have found another way, I would have."

She wanted to push him away and tell him Morgause would never do that to her but if she really thought about it she knew her sister would have done anything for her cause. She thought about the moment after he had coaxed her into taking the laced water, he'd tried to hold her and there'd been tears in his eyes, now with a thousand years worth of distance from that moment she could believe he hadn't wanted to do it.

"I forgive you," she whispered and raised her eyes to meet his, "Just never do anything like that again."

He nodded, a ghost of a smile lingering on his lips and pried her hands of him, took her by one hand and led her out of the bathroom and into his bedroom where he sat her down on the bed and went to the set of drawers to look for something for her to change into.

"I didn't hate Arthur, not really, at least not at the start." She didn't know why she was saying all this but she couldn't stop herself, it was like she was in confession and he was the priest. Except she wasn't Catholic. "When I first discovered Uther was my father, I had this idea that Arthur and I could be a family, a real family, that we could rule Camelot together, be the compassionate rulers Uther never was."

He looked at her over his shoulder as he continued to rifle through his drawers, "That was a nice dream."

She smiled at the thought, "It was. But then I realized it would and could never happen. I would never be recognized as a legitimate heir to the throne. And while Arthur would never be Uther, he still did nothing to help my kind, to help my people. He may not have been willing to kill me for my magic but he did nothing to stop the deaths of those Uther condemned."

"Arthur would have brought back magic eventually."

"Would he? It would have been too late for so many people. Too late for me. I thought I could rule better than he ever could. I could be compassionate. But the people refused to yield to me."

"You can't force loyalty, Morgana."

"I was scared and I was alone and the only person who offered me any kind of understanding was Morgause. Do you remember when I had you in my hovel, Merlin?"

"Yes."

"You said I knew nothing about loyalty. I would have been so unbelievably loyal to you if only you'd told me about who you were. But by then it was too late."

He said nothing, just came back over to her, t-shirt in his hands and helped her stand up, handed her the t-shirt, took two steps back and turned his back to her giving her privacy to change. Always so polite. She quickly pulled the dripping clothes off her body and pulled the t-shirt on, it was soft, warm and smelled like him.

"You can look now," She said and he turned slowly, his eyes doing a sweep of her form and she noticed his gaze lingered a little on her bare legs before flitting away, she smiled and felt even warmer, "We have to get Arthur back, Merlin, he has to know every thing I did was for a reason whether right or wrong. He has to forgive me. He has to let me forgive him for his lack of action. We just have to get him back."

He looked at her sadly, and when he spoke, she knew he was just placating her, "All right, Morgana, we'll get him back."

"No, don't say it like that, don't say it like you're just trying to calm me down, say it like you mean it."

He sighed, "We'll start with Lancelot and go from there."

He walked to the bed and pulled back the covers then took her by the hand and pulled her to the bed, "Come on, get into bed, and get warm."

"I don't want to go to sleep," she stated stubbornly.

"You don't have to go to sleep, just get into bed," he urged.

She climbed into the bed and he pulled the covers up around her, she reached out and grabbed him by the wrist, "You can't leave me."

"I won't," he said softly and gently pulled his wrist from her grasp. He walked around the bed to the other side and sat on top of the covers, leaning his back against the headboard. She inched closer to him, seeking out his warmth; he lifted his arm, allowing her to creep in close to his side. It was kind of like an awkward half hug.

"I wish I'd been born into a different time," she said softly, "I think you would have liked me if it weren't for Camelot."

"I liked you, Morgana." He said equally as softly.

She didn't respond, in her head she thought he'd never liked her, not really, from the moment he came to Camelot, he'd tolerated her because of the fact she was the King's ward, because he was friends with Gwen, because of Arthur.

She sighed and pulled her arm up from under the covers and put it around his middle, completing the embrace and pressed her cheek to his ribs, feeling the warmth of his skin coming through his t-shirt. He lowered his arm around her shoulder and his fingers brushed her cheek where they dangled midair.

"Tell me a story," she demanded as she closed her eyes.

"What type of story?"

"Something happy, something I don't know."

She held him tighter as he started to talk about adventures with Arthur chasing mythical creatures and keeping him from harm and the funny little banter they used to have. She listened more to the sound of his voice than to the actual story as she let it lull her to sleep. She thought his voice was better than any lullaby or sleeping potion that Gaius had ever concocted.


	17. Chapter 17

_Note: So, this one is from Merlin's point of view again, not sure how happy I am with it. I was listening to a song called Stand by you by Rachel Platten while I was writing this and it just struck as a good song for this story. Go check it out :)_

It amazed Merlin that with a new day, Morgana disentangled herself from him and as she physically separated herself from him, she put away her emotions from the night before and slipped on the mask she presented the world. The mask of the perfectly put together girl, she effectively became the Lady Morgana he'd met in Camelot. She was the girl who was taught to show her emotions or troubles to the Royal Court for fear it would be a reflection on King Uther. That man, Merlin thought bitterly, had not only persecuted innocent people but had also destroyed his only daughter. He thought they were all – Merlin, Arthur and Uther – were equally responsible for what she had become but Uther was the one who'd started to chip away at her long before she realized she had magic.

Merlin had had Gaius and Lancelot and even though Arthur hadn't known about his magic until the very end, he'd still had Arthur, who had Morgana had really?

He'd watched from the kitchen table as she'd packed her bag, took a sip of his cup of tea and eyed his toast before picking it up and taking a bite. A bite he was sure she took for him. She smiled at him, a smile that held just a little too much sadness to be a true smile and didn't quite reach her eyes. Her hair was tangled and wild and reminded him of the last days in Camelot. He realized she hadn't asked for a hairbrush from her flat and he hadn't thought to bring one for her, he made a mental note to get one for her. Not that she didn't make the wild look work. She insisted on wearing the t-shirt he'd given her to sleep in and just added a pair of ripped jeans to it and some heeled boots. She ran a finger across his cheekbone, she seemed to have some kind of fascination with his cheeks and smiled that sad smile again and told him she was going to the library and that she'd be home later. She called his flat home and he couldn't quite bring himself to tell her not to for fear it would wipe that smile away completely.

He sat at the table thinking about her long after she'd left. He looked down at his mug, she'd left a lipstick mark on the rim, he didn't rub it away, just turned the mug and sipped from the other side.

The door rattled and Sarah came in, he was starting to rethink giving her a spare key for emergencies, the girl seemed to consider everything an emergency. Sarah walked in, eyed him, probably looking for any signs that he'd gone back on his word to Morgana and taken a knife to his skin and then looked around the flat.

"Where's Morgana?"

"Gone to the library."

Sarah sighed and slid into the chair opposite from him, "How was she this morning?"

He shrugged, "Fine."

"I think we both know, she's not fine."

He sighed, how many times did they have to have this same conversation? This is why he didn't like to form attachments to people; they just couldn't understand the darkness in his life.

"She's fine, Sarah, I've got this."

She looked skeptical, "You've got this? You can barely hold yourself together, how do you expect to hold her together too?"

He didn't say anything. How could he explain the connection Morgana and he had without it sounding completely ridiculous and ridiculously unhealthy? He knew Sarah would come to her own conclusions anyway. She sighed, she'd been doing that a lot, he knew she was exasperated by him, worried about him, he just wished she would worry about Morgana a little more, Morgana wasn't as together as she pretended to be.

"Merlin, I love you. I mean, I don't _love_ you but you know what I mean. But I can't keep up with you and Morgana. You never mentioned her before I made you come to that damn study group and now you and her are practically inseparable, you have a shared past you won't talk about and on any given day, I don't know which one of you will be suffering from some kind of emotional breakdown. It seems like you're bad for each other but you seem to be the only people who know how to get each other out of your breakdowns." She ended with a deep breath.

He fiddled with the mug, spinning it on the table and avoided her eye, "What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to explain it to me. Even just a little bit."

He sighed and said the first thing that came into his head, "When I first met her, I was infatuated with her. She was like this beautiful, exotic butterfly that I wasn't allowed to touch or even get close to."

"What happened?"

He shrugged, "I got over it."

"Ok," Sarah said but she drew out the word and he knew she wanted something more. She always wanted more from him than he was willing to give.

"The thing about Morgana is that she had a real bastard for a father. She didn't know he was her father until she was an adult."

"He treated her badly?"

"Yes and no. I think he loved her in his own way. He was a very hard man."

"She has Daddy issues?"

He laughed, imagining Morgana's reaction to her issues being boiled down to yet another cliché of this time, "It's not quite that simplistic. He was once a good man but then his wife died and he needed to blame it on something. He became bitter and angry and feared things he didn't really understand. He may have loved Morgana but she was also just a commodity to him."

"What?"

"He had quite the temper and she's always been feisty and would challenge him quite regularly so she often bore the brunt of his anger."

"Did he hit her?"

That was a question Merlin had no answer to but he wouldn't have been surprised if Uther had laid his hands on Morgana. He shrugged, "He didn't need to physically hurt her to be abusive."

"So, where do you fit into this little tale of woe?"

He shrugged, "I never said I did."

Sarah shot him a look that clearly said she thought he was full of shit and he sighed, "I'm just another person in her past that caused her pain."

He stopped talking and got up to make another cup of tea, share time was over; he didn't want to talk about the past and the many ways that they'd both fucked up.

"Wait, that's it?" Sarah asked a little peevishly.

"Yeah, that's all you get."


	18. Chapter 18

Morgana walked into the flat just as day was starting to blend into night. She had been hoping it would just be her and Merlin and they could sit on the couch and talk or not talk. Either way would be perfect. She was excited to tell him about the books she'd found at the library. She needed to focus on something other than their combined problems. Unfortunately for Morgana, Merlin wasn't alone. Sarah was placing plates onto the table. A table filled with food. Merlin looked at her from where he was leaning against the fridge where he'd clearly been having a conversation with Sarah. The smile slipped from his face when his eyes met hers. She wondered what he and Sarah talked about, did they talk about uni or books or movies or TV shows? Normal conversation topics rather than talking about pasts filled with violence, death and regrets. She bet Sarah hadn't done a thing wrong in her entire life.

"Sarah cooked us dinner." Merlin said, pissing her off even more. She hugged her pile of books closer to her body.

"I'm not hungry." She stated and went into the bedroom. She knew he'd probably follow her and chastise her for being rude but she really just wanted to be alone and thumb through her books. Though she wouldn't mind being alone with him.

She was placing the books on the bedside table and organizing them by size when she heard him say her name. She turned to face him, "What, Merlin?"

"Come and eat with us. Or at least sit with us. Please," He gave her his pleading eyes and held out his hand. She didn't really have any other choice but to take it and follow him back out to the living room and into the kitchen. She stood awkwardly not sure where she was supposed to sit. Sarah was looking at her with a strange expression, and then she stepped forward and wrapped Morgana in a tight hug. Morgana had to resist the urge to push her away, it's not that she didn't like to be hugged, it was more that she hadn't been hugged in a long time, except the few times with Merlin and Sarah hugging her was weird, Sarah pulled away and avoided Morgana's gaze and sat in on of the chairs. Merlin was already sitting so Morgana had to follow the trend and sit down.

"What the hell was that?" She asked, "And what's wrong with her?" she was talking about Sarah's evasive gaze, Sarah only got like that when she didn't want to have to lie to someone.

Merlin sighed, "I may have told Sarah a little bit about your relationship with Uther."

Morgana got up, scrapping the chair against the floor harshly and went to the door, pulling it open and slamming it shut behind her, she raced down the steps and started it hurrying down the street, wiping a tear away as she did, she hadn't even realized she was crying.

She heard a door slam somewhere behind her and the sound of running feet. She stopped and turned and waited for Merlin to catch up. He stopped in front of her, his breathing heavy, "Where are you going?"

"Back to my flat. You've told me enough you don't want me here so I'm finally taking the hint."

He took a step toward her then stopped when she took a step back, "Come on, Morgana."

She looked away, away from his imploring gaze; the look he was giving her was the one that always got her to cave. And he'd called her manipulative. She swiped at the tears that kept coming and she realized she was more hurt than she was angry but she wasn't going to let him know that, she steeled her features and met his eye again, "How could you tell her anything about my relationship with Uther?"

"I just…."

"You just, what? She fluttered her eyelashes a little? Flipped her hair? She flirted a little? And you just melted? Because you can't resist?"

He pressed his lips together and ran a hand through his hair, "Jealousy doesn't suit you, Morgana."

She stepped forward and hit him in the chest, "I'm not jealous!"

He sighed, "Sarah asked me to explain a little of our past to her."

"So you're first thought was to tell her about Uther and my relationship with him?!"

"Morgana…." He was trying to reason with her, placate her, and calm her.

She shoved him in the chest and he took a step back, she shoved him again and went to do it again but his hands caught her wrists and he growled down at her, "Stop shoving me!"

"I trusted you!" She screamed at him.

He laughed bitterly, "You don't trust me. I don't trust you. We don't trust each other, not really. We just two fucked up people bound together by circumstance!"

Shocked silence enveloped them. She ripped her wrists away from his grasp, took a stumbling step back and gaped at him.

He ran a hand over his face and immediately looked remorseful. He took a step toward her, shaking his head, "I didn't mean that, Morgana."

She screamed and pressed her palms to his chest and used that force and combined it with her magic and forced him back until his back collided with the brick wall of a building. He hit it with a thud that sounded like it hurt. She hoped it did. He was hurting her so she wanted to hurt him in return.

"I trusted you," she whispered on a sob, tears streaming down her face. She thought in that moment that she truly hated him. She _wanted_ to hate him. She released her magic and the pressure of her hands holding him there. She should go back to her own flat and pack everything up and just disappear. If she did that, would he miss her? She didn't think he would. Maybe if she left, he and Sarah would get together, maybe he would be happy.

She was slipping away from him, his hands flew up and her wrists, she felt him add a little boost of his magic to keep her there, then it was her back pressing into the wall.

He leaned in close to her, his body nearly pressing against hers, "I didn't mean it," he whispered, their hands between them.

"Then, you shouldn't have said it," she whispered back and bit her lip to stop another sob from coming out, her lip tasted salty from her tears.

He nodded and dropped one hand from her wrists, bringing it up to tug lightly on her chin, forcing her to release her lower lip from her teeth, he cupped her cheek and brushed away some tears with his thumb, "I know, I'm sorry."

She nodded and tried for a smile to let him know that she was thinking about maybe possibly forgiving him.

He smiled back, his smile just as pitiful as her own, "Come back with me. We'll eat, then Sarah will leave and you can show me what you've been doing at the library all day."

She wanted to shake her head, to push him away but she knew she'd go back with him. She just couldn't say no.

She nodded and he visibly relaxed, "But Merlin, don't tell her anything else about me and Uther."

He nodded and backed away dropping his hand from her face and she missed the warmth of it. He started walking back and she pushed away from the wall to silently follow him.

When they walked in the door, Sarah was exactly where they'd left her, still sitting at the table. Silently, they both took their places at the table. When she looked down at her place setting she realized there was no plate for her. Merlin nudged her now full plate until it was between them and smiled at her, "We're sharing."

She nodded, she could do this if she could eat off his plate, then no one would really notice how much she'd eaten, she could do it.

The meal was done in strained, awkward silence and before it was totally done, she excused herself to have a shower and shut herself in the bathroom. She quickly brushed her teeth and then she stayed in the shower until the water ran cold, got out, dried off and put Merlin's t-shirt back on.

Pulling the bathroom door open she was prepared to have to deal with both Sarah and Merlin but as she looked around there was no one in the kitchen or living room and Sarah's bag was gone from where it had been sitting on the bench. She padded into the bedroom, where Merlin was already sitting up in bed, the other side of the bed's covers will pulled back waiting for her.

He smiled, "I sent Sarah packing. Come and show me those books."

She nodded and padded to the bed, climbed in beside him, leaned back against the headrest, grabbed her pile of books off the bedside table and placed them in her lap, she turned to him.

"I've been thinking about Lancelot and his memories and I thought even if it isn't necessarily scientific there must be books about reincarnation and accessing old memories."

"Ok."

"I found some books about psychology and about patients with amnesia…"

"But," he cut her off, "he doesn't have amnesia."

"He has a kind of amnesia, his memories are still there somewhere, aren't they?"

"I guess so."

"So, then I found another book about hypnotherapy."

"You want to hypnotise him? Don't you need a trained professional to do that?"

She shrugged, "Maybe. I don't know. But then our other option is magic."

"Magic?"

"Yes. What if we could separate the two sides of him somehow, what if we could divide him into the present Lancelot and the past Lancelot?"

"You want to split him up?"

"Temporarily." She paused and looked at his face to gauge his reaction, he looked skeptical, "Well, what do you think?"

"I think you better hand me a book."

"A book?"

He nodded and held out his hand, "Yeah, a book, if we're going to do this, we need to research all the options."

She smiled and handed him a book on hypnotherapy and watched as he opened it and started to read. She was happy he hadn't dismissed her ideas and theories. Maybe they could do. She picked out her own book, opened it up and slid down the bed a little so she could lean her head against his shoulder as she read. She glanced up at his book and he smirked, "Eyes on your own book, Morgana."


	19. Chapter 19

_Note: Once again, I must stress what serious issues eating disorders and any kind of self-harm are and hope I am able to portray that in my writing and in no make light of them._

Merlin watched from his place on the couch as Morgana struggled to set up the whiteboard easel she'd come dragging in earlier. She told him it was so they could properly visualize their ideas. He thought it was maybe because she wanted to play teacher. They had books strewn everywhere, on the coffee table, the floor, the couch.

She clicked the last piece in place and turned and beamed at him and how could he not return such a smile. She uncapped the pen and held it poised, ready to write.

"So, I think we should write our ideas, then a pro con list for each one. A pro con list is.."

"I know what a pro con list is," he cut her off with a chuckle. It was actually incredibly cute when she treated him like she needed to teach him the ways of this century.

"Fine," she turned and wrote on the board, "So, hypnotherapy, pros and cons?"

He leaned forward, elbows on knees thinking intently, "Well, we don't actually know what we're doing so that could be a con."

"Ok," she turned and wrote it on the board, "But really, we are two intelligent people, powerful people, how hard could it be?"

He grinned at her arrogance, "Spoken like someone who has no idea what they're doing but is going to fake it until they make it."

She smiled at him and shrugged and the movement caused the t-shirt she was wearing to slip down and reveal her shoulder. It was one of his t-shirts. He had given up telling her not to wear his clothes, though he had no idea why she insisted on it, she had her own clothes there.

"But the pro is that it might actually work." She said as she wrote it on the board, then looked at him expectantly, "What about magic?"

"Depends what type of magic we use. We could use a spell to somehow bring his past memories to the surface, we could try a truth spell but that would be tricky and not guaranteed to give us the answers we want. And what about if the spell wore off and we were back to square one?"

"So, we'd need to figure out a way to make it stick?"

"Yeah."

"What we need to do is lift the veil in his mind between his two lives."

He nodded, "Exactly but how do we do that? It's times like these I wish for Gaius."

She smiled wistfully, "He helped you with your magic?"

"Yeah."

"We should find him." She said as if it were that easy. She looked so hopeful that he didn't want to say anything to dissuade her.

"Morgana, Gaius has never come back."

"That's what you said about Lancelot and he's here now." She pointed out.

"Yeah but I just figured Gaius wasn't integral to Arthur's destiny."

She frowned at him and scrunched up her nose and it was quite possibly the most adorable thing he'd ever seen. And he'd seen a unicorn.

"Maybe not to Arthur's destiny, but wasn't he integral to yours?"

He'd never thought about in those terms before, Gaius had been his surrogate father figure, had guided him and helped him keep his magic secret but he'd never thought about him in terms of being part of his destiny. If it were possible to see him again, Merlin wanted to do it, even just for a moment.

He didn't get to articulate these thoughts to Morgana because there was the sound of a key in the door, Morgana jumped and hurried to wipe off the whiteboard and looked at him with wide eyes.

Sarah came striding in looking extremely annoyed but lately that seemed to be her default setting, "Merlin, what are you doing? We've got class. The enlightenment?"

Shit, he'd forgotten about university. This was more important anyway. It's not as if he really needed university anyway. But then, had to keep up appearances.

Morgana was smirking, clearly enjoying seeing him be reprimanded, he shot her a look. Morgana was in a good mood and he wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible, she wasn't lost in her own head and wasn't yelling at him.

Sarah looked around at the books littered everywhere, "What are you two doing? Hypnotherapy?"

He looked at Morgana for help but she just shrugged and continued to smirk at him, he was on his own, then.

"I'm thinking about taking some psychology papers," he blurted out. Where the hell had that come from? At least it was a plausible explanation; it wasn't as if he could tell her about them trying to come up with a plan to make their friend remember a life he'd lived before.

Sarah frowned, clearly not believing him and shrugged, "Whatever, let's just go before we miss the entirety of class. Morgana, can't you ever wear your own clothes?"

Merlin sighed, so they were back to sniping at each other, he silently begged Morgana not to take the bait and not to say anything back but of course he never got his way. Morgana tilted her head and smiled with false sweetness, "Why would I, when his clothes are so comfortable?"

Sarah rolled her eyes and that just gave Morgana more ammunition, "Or is it that you'd like to be the one wearing his clothes, Sarah?"

Sarah looked to him for help, he shrugged, "You started it, Sarah, let's just go."

He grabbed her by the elbow and led her back to the door and led her down the steps, waited until they were situated in her car and halfway to uni before he spoke again, "Why do you have to do that?"

She frowned and she turned the corner into the car park, "Do what?"

"Pick fights with Morgana."

"I wasn't picking a fight, I merely asked a question."

He sighed as she parked and they got out of the car, he caught her eye over the roof of the car, "It was a question you knew would cause her to bite back at."

She rounded the car and they walked into the building together, "That wasn't my intention."

"What does it matter if she wears my clothes? Why's it such a big deal? Who the hell even cares?"

"You clearly don't," she muttered as they found their seats, he didn't know why she was worried about being late, they still had a good five minutes, the lecturer wasn't even there yet.

"Sarah."

She sighed and turned in her seat to look at him, frowning, "It's just weird. It's like she's making a claim on you. Like she's saying 'he's mine, you can't touch him'."

He shook his head, "You're reading too much into it, Sarah, it's just clothes."

"You're either completely blind, Merlin, or you are an idiot." She said just as the lecturer walked in and started talking about the French Revolution and its relationship to the Enlightenment. He always thought poor Marie Antoinette was misunderstood by history, as so many people were.

He tuned out the lecturer and pulled out his phone and went onto the university's website, looking for the class timetable, he thought he might check out a psychology class, it could be interesting and might offer some insight into their Lancelot problem.

There was a class starting soon, in a room across the hall, but it was about the psychology of eating disorders. Not relevant to Lancelot but maybe sitting in on it would give him some insight into Morgana's state of mind. Deciding quickly, he whispered to Sarah that he had to go and would meet her back her at the end of class and crept out before she could stop him.

He slipped into the class across the hall and slid into a seat in the back and listened as the lecturer started talking.

"An eating disorder is much more complicated that just being about body image, though this is a huge part of them, it would be too simplistic to define it simply that way. There are usually much larger issues at play. And an eating disorder doesn't necessarily fit into the categories of anorexia or bulimia, some aren't as extreme, they can be a disturbance in eating patterns but are no less serious."

The lecturer clicked something on the computer and a list of symptoms appeared on the screen, "While these are the most common signs of disordered eating, it is not an extensive list. For some patients with disordered eating, it is less about the actual food but more about their need for control, this is often the case for victims of rape or sexual assault, controlling what and how much they eat is a way of gaining control over what happens to their body. For others, their body is the one thing in their lives they feel they have a sense of control over."

Merlin wasn't sure if Morgana had full-blown anorexia, could an immortal have a fully-fledged eating disorder? But so much of what the lecturer was saying seemed to fit with what he knew of Morgana.

"Often disordered eating is associated with a range of emotions such as self-hate, self-esteem issues, intense guilt. Most often patients have no sense of their own self-worth. These issues need to be addressed when treating patients, treatment strategies need to include ways for the patient to learn to turn destructive and negative thoughts into more positive ones."

As he listened, Merlin took out his phone and started making notes about things he thought were relevant to Morgana. He was determined to undo the damage Uther and others had done to her.

Once the class was over and his head was filled with thoughts of Morgana and eating disorders, he made his way back to where Sarah was waiting for him outside their history class, she looked extremely pissed off, "What the hell was that? Where did you go?"

He shrugged as he led her back toward the car park, "There was a class I wanted to sit in on."

"What class?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it." He knew he was being short with her but he didn't feel like explaining that he went to a class about eating disorders and then have her lecture him about how he can't fix Morgana and that their relationship being toxic.

The drive back to his flat was an uncomfortable one and when they pulled up, she kept the motor running, "You want to come in?" he asked.

"No, I don't want to get in the way of you and Morgana."

"Sarah."

"Just go, Merlin." She said in a voice that sounded a lot like she was saying she was done with him. He sighed and got out of the car and went up to his flat and decided he would work out how to fix things with Sarah later.

Morgana was lying back on the couch reading one of the books from the library, he strode over to her, pulled the book out of her hands and threw it on the floor and sat on the coffee table in front of her. She frowned at him and sat up, their knees touching.

"Uther treated you terribly." He started and she quirked a brow at him but didn't say anything, just waited to see where he was going with this train of thought, "A lot of people treated you terribly. I should have helped you when you thought you had magic."

"Yes, that was probably a mistake," she smiled to soften the edge of her agreement.

He nodded, "But you should know that you are so much more than a body and a beautiful face. You're worth more than that. People acted like your thoughts and opinions didn't matter but they did and if others couldn't see that, then that was their problem not yours."

"Merlin, what are you talking about?"

"You had a lot more to offer than just something for Uther to marry off when the time suited him. You're beautiful but that's not all you are. You're brave and feisty and intelligent and always had a knack for pulling Arthur's head out of his arse and getting him to do the right thing," he paused and shook his head, "I'm not saying any of this right."

She smiled and leaned forward, putting her hands on his knees, "No. I think you're saying it just right."

"I am?"

"Yeah. Thank you, Merlin," and she pressed a soft kiss to his cheekbone. He felt himself flush as she pulled back and he looked away and cleared his throat.

"So, what have you been doing while I was gone?"

She smiled and her eyes lit up, "Well, I think we need a test subject."

"A test subject?"

"Yeah someone to practice our hypnosis on. Also, I had a brilliant idea."

"Ok, what's the brilliant idea?"

"You know how you said you wished you could find Gaius? Well, if he is living today, then why don't we try scrying for him?"

"I've never scryed before." He said thoughtfully.

"I have. How do you think I always knew where you were?"

He grinned, "Of course you did."

"The only problem is we'd need something that belonged to him."

He grinned at her and reached up and tugged on the end of her hair, "Don't worry, you just leave that to me."


	20. Chapter 20

"You want to hypnotize me?" Sarah asked incredulously. Morgana nodded as she stood in the front of the couch where Sarah was sitting looking at her like she'd lost her mind. Merlin was being a wimp and hiding in the kitchen. Morgana had to call Sarah because Merlin had done something to piss Sarah off and now was looking at her like a kicked puppy.

"Yes, we're doing a project," She looked over at Merlin, "Aren't we, Merlin?"

"Yup. Project. Absolutely." Morgana rolled her eyes at Merlin's lack of ability to convince. She turned back to Sarah and tried for a comforting, convincing smile, "Yes, a project. And we need your help."

"You want to hypnotize me?" Sarah repeated and Morgana resisted the urge to hit her. Hadn't they already established that they were asking her to let them test their hypnotizing skills? They'd even watched a YouTube video. She'd had to teach Merlin about the joys of YouTube and then they got distracted watching video after video of cute little cats doing ridiculous things.

"Come on, Sarah," Morgana coaxed, "You've been wanting in on our secret past club, now's your chance." It made no sense, she knew that but she was hoping Sarah would fall for it.

"I wanted a little insight into your shared past, not help you with whatever the hell this is."

Finally, Merlin tiredly spoke up, "It won't hurt, Sarah, we probably won't even be able to do it."

Morgana shot him a look, "Merlin have a little faith."

He gave her a little grin and walked over to her and nudged her with his hip, "I do have faith, Morgana, and I have faith this is absolutely going to fail." Then he turned that smile on Sarah and Morgana could practically see her melt. Though she couldn't say that she really blamed her, that particular smile was definitely lethal.

"Come on, Sarah, please?" Sarah didn't stand a chance when he used that coaxing voice filled with warmth and that made you just want to do whatever he asked. It wasn't the same voice he used with her, now that voice could convince anyone to commit murder.

Sarah sighed, "Fine. But you do it."

Again, Morgana rolled her eyes and went to the kitchen leaving Merlin to do the actual hypnotizing portion. She listened as he spoke to her softly, calmly and the way the books and videos said to. He was telling her to focus on her breathing.

"Morgana, come here, I think it's worked but how do we know for sure?"

She went over and sat on the coffee table next to him, "Ask her something she would never tell the truth about normally."

"Like what?"

She thought about it for a moment and then grinned when a moment of inspiration came to her. Merlin gave her a look, "Oh, no don't smile like that, that's your evil smile."

She ignored him and turned to Sarah, "Sarah, what are your true thoughts about Merlin?"

Merlin rolled his eyes, "She's not going to answer that. We're friends. That's it."

There was a moment's pause then Sarah said, "He's gorgeous. I love his cheekbones and his ears are adorable and those lips, I bet they feel amazing when he kisses someone. And his hands, imagine what he could do with those hands," and she smiled dopily.

Morgana smiled and bit her lip and looked at Merlin who looked completely mortified, "Are you blushing?" she asked teasingly.

"You didn't have to ask her that."

"Oh, yes I did. I think it's safe to say it worked." She found it quite adorable how flustered and embarrassed he was but how could he have not known that Sarah was holding a little crush on him?

"It was little bit mean, Morgana."

"She won't remember it, Merlin, it's fine. Let's bring her out of it."

While Merlin brought Sarah back, Morgana went into the bedroom where they'd stashed the whiteboard, picked up the pen and wrote a large tick beside hypnosis, it had worked so it was a possibility for Lancelot. And then there was Gaius. She was intrigued by the fact he had never been reborn but she hoped Merlin was wrong about that and that they could find him. She wrote 'Scrying' up on the board as well, feeling like writing down the plan for Gaius made it more real and more likely to work.

She went back into the living room and Merlin had once again retreated to the kitchen, Sarah looked at her, eyes wide, "Did it work, what happened?"

"Yes, it worked. You don't remember?"

"No. Oh god, did I say or do anything embarrassing?"

Morgana bit her lip and shook her head, "Nope, nothing embarrassing." She caught Merlin's eye and smirked at him.

"Ok. Good, that's good. So, now that you two have done you're weird little project, can we to the pub?"

Morgana nodded, she supposed they kind of owed her a fun, no drama night, "Yeah, the pub it is." She said at the same time as Merlin said, "Not tonight."

Morgana smiled and held up a finger, "Just give us a minute," she said as she walked into the kitchen, grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into the bedroom, kicking the door shut to give them privacy.

"We just hypnotized her, as much as it pains me we should probably do something she wants to do."

"Lancelot might be there." He said it with the slightest hint of panic. She stepped closer and got into his space, lately the concept of personal space between them had become somewhat of a foreign concept.

"It's ok if he is, we can handle it."

"But we're not ready, we haven't tested our other theories."

She smiled soothingly, "It will be fine, Merlin."

He nodded, "Fine. But you have to stay with me, no wandering off to flirt with random mere mortals," he tried to make a joke out of it but she could hear the seriousness behind it.

She tangled her fingers with his and smiled up at him, "I wouldn't dream of it."

He sighed, "Fine, let's go, then."

He started to walk away but she pulled him, "I have to get changed, need to make myself presentable."

She was wearing jeans ripped in the knees and one of his band t-shirts, she knew she could look better.

He let his gaze roam down her body then back up again, "You don't need to change, you look amazing." He gave her hand a little squeeze and pulled open the door and left her standing there debating whether to change or not. She ended up deciding not to, reasoning that she couldn't be bothered and wasn't trying to impress anyone. Really, if she was honest, it was because he told her not to.


	21. Chapter 21

_Note: I am aware in the show that Kilgharrah was dying, but for the purposes of this story I have decided that he didn't, he just works better for what I have planned and I just happen to like the grumpy old soul that he was :)_

The pub was packed when they walked up and they had to push their way in. Morgana slipped her fingers through the belt loops of Merlin's jeans and held on so she wouldn't lose him as he led the way to the bar. They ordered drinks and Sarah yelled in her ear that she was going to the bathroom; she nodded to let her know she'd heard her. Someone bumped into her and Merlin glared at whoever it was and turned them so that she was between the bar and him. Her back was to the bar and he placed his hands flat on the bar, one either side of her so she was boxed in.

Someone bumped into them from the other side and Merlin stepped half a step closer, bent his head and said into her ear, "Are we having fun yet?"

She smiled and nodded, her cheek brushing against his, "Unlike you, Merlin, I'm not entirely anti-social, I'm ok with a crowd."

She felt his smile against her ear, "I'm not anti-social. It's just I only want to be social with a select few."

"Sure, whatever you say."

"Can you see Lancelot anywhere?"

She looked over his shoulder and surveyed the crowd but saw no sign of their knight. She did however spot Sarah talking and laughing with some guy, "Not, but we appear to have lost Sarah, looks like she has forsaken you for another."

Another smile from him against her ear, "Strangely, I'm ok with that."

"You know, we could just leave her here and go and work on our whiteboard plan."

He pulled back and frowned at her and she smiled and shrugged, "What? I never said I wanted to come to the pub, I just said we probably owed it to Sarah."

"We're here now, we might as well make the best of it."

She tilted her head and smiled at him, "Does your version of making the best of it include dancing with me?"

"No, not at all."

"But dancing is fun."

He smiled and shook his head, "Not if you're me."

Morgana straightened up and hooked her arm around his neck, "I'm sure you're an excellent dancer."

"Not at all, My Lady," but he didn't say it as an insult this time, the way he said it made her feel warm all over.

"I still think you need to prove it to me."

"I've definitely got no rhythm, Morgana."

Someone bumped into her from the side, pushing their way to the bar and jolted her a little, Merlin took one hand from the bar and warped his arm around her waist to steady her. She could feel the weight and warmth of his hand on her waist through his shirt. She licked her lips and tried to remember what they were talking about. Something about rhythm. And then the threads of the conversation came back to her.

"That's ok, I've got enough rhythm for the both of us."

He grinned, "I'm sure you do. But you know, I'm sure you could find someone else who would love to dance with someone like you." His arm tightened around her waist.

"I don't want to dance with anyone else."

He nodded and the grin widened to a fully-fledged, charming smile, "So, how about we compromise and stay right here."

"Here's good too."

They stood there, tangled up in each other, smiling at each other like idiots who had no idea what they were doing. Their moment was broken by a very drunken Sarah appearing by them, Merlin's arm dropped away from her waist and brought her hand down from his neck. Sarah smiled sloppily at them. Morgana knew from past experience that Sarah got very drunk very quickly. Someone had obviously been buying her drinks.

"Greg bought me some shots. They tasted like licorice." Sarah said brightly. She was even more annoyingly happy when she was drunk. "Greg's taking me home."

Morgana and Merlin exchanged a look and Morgana looked past Sarah to some guy she assumed was Greg. While he didn't look like a kidnapping, rapist, serial killer, looks could be deceiving and there was no way Sarah was leaving with him.

Morgana leaned past Sarah who was babbling about how Merlin and Morgana were her bestest friends and said to Greg, "Walk away. Now. She's not going anywhere with you," he hesitated so she went in for the kill, "You don't want her anyway, one night with her and she becomes clingy, she'll call you and call you and call you and will have the wedding planned before you've even put your pants back on."

Greg held his hands up in surrender and backed away, disappearing back into the crowd.

"Hey, where did Greg go?" Sarah asked as she swayed and leaned a little on Merlin, "Did you scare him off, Morgana, you know you can be a little scary."

Merlin smirked, "Oh, she has no idea."

Morgana smiled and rolled her eyes at him, "Let's get out of here."

He nodded and they pushed through the crowd with Sarah between them, as they got outside and the cool night air hit, Sarah seemed to sober up enough to at least walk back to the flat with only a little help from them.

"I really just love you two," Sarah slurred as Morgana held onto her as they made their way up the stairs to Merlin's flat, "You're both so fucked up and you can't be good for each other but somehow you are. It's like you just know what the other needs. I wish I had someone who knew me like that."

Morgana nodded, "You've got us."

"Not really, the only people who have you two, is you."

They stopped on the stoop and waited for Merlin to open the door for them and Sarah giggled again, "I'm sleepy."

Morgana rolled her eyes and Merlin grinned as he helped her get Sarah inside. Of course Sarah was sleepy, not only could she not take her alcohol but she never lasted long before she passed out. They walked Sarah over to the couch and helped her lie down, she was already half asleep, Merlin went to get a pillow and a blanket while Morgana took Sarah's shoes off her. They wrapped her up in the blanket and popped the pillow under her head. She was asleep before they'd even backed away from the couch.

Morgana followed Merlin into the bedroom and shut the door behind them, she kicked off her heels and wriggled out of her jeans and pulled back the covers on the bed and climbed in as he did the same.

"So, Sarah's drunk," Merlin, stated the obvious with a grin.

"Yes, she certainly is," she turned onto her side and faced him, "So, the hypnosis worked."

"Yeah, it really did." He rolled onto his side too and their faces were inches away from each other as they held their hushed conversation.

"So, what are we going to do next? I mean, we could try with just the hypnosis but as soon as Lancelot comes out of it, his memories would slip to the background again."

He shrugged a kind of one shoulder shrug, "I don't really know. Maybe magic is the next logical step."

She nodded, "Yeah that's what I thought, but we don't even know where to start with that, neither of us know about breaking the veil in his mind with magic."

"Then we need to figure it out."

"How?"

He looked at her like he was deciding how to answer that question, like he was trying to decide what to tell her. "There's only one creature who could provide us with any kind of answer to that."

"The Dragon?"

He nodded, "Yeah, Kilgharrah."

"He's still alive? He still exists?" People no longer believed in things like magic or unicorns or dragons, Morgana wasn't sure how a dragon could survive in this type of world.

"Honestly, I don't know but I haven't tried to talk to him in a very long time. If I call him, and he still exists he will have no other choice but to come."

"He'd have to land somewhere that no one would see." She said stating the obvious.

"Yeah, we'll have to find somewhere totally isolated. Somewhere large." He said. She smiled when she realized that he'd said they were going to need to find somewhere for Kilgharrah to land.

"So, that means I'm going to get to meet your Dragon."

He reached up and played with the ends of her hair, "Yeah, if we do this, I'm not sure if you should come with me. Kilgharrah kind of hates you."

"You used to hate me. Look at how I've won you over." She said half joking.

He smiled at her, "He might try to burn you alive."

She inched closer to him and closed her eyes, "You won't let him." She mumbled, suddenly feeling sleepy. There was silence and she listened to his breathing, she was almost asleep, in the land halfway between consciousness and sleep when she heard him whisper, "No, I won't."


	22. Chapter 22

Morgana was busy writing on her whiteboard, adding notes about Kilgharrah, whoever invented the whiteboard was a genius. She added a little drawing of a dragon down in the corner, though her little image looked more like Aithusa. She thought she should go back to her flat and get her drawing stuff and maybe some more blank CDs, she felt like making a new Merlin mix and that had absolutely nothing to do with the way he now smiled at her.

The bedroom door opened and Merlin crept in, takeaway coffee cups in his hands and a something rolled up under his arm. He pushed the door shut and held one of the cups out to her, "Hot chocolate. Sarah's still asleep." He placed his coffee onto the dresser and unrolled what she now saw was a map. He came towards the whiteboard and Morgana stepped in front of it protectively.

"What do you think you're doing?"

He looked confused, it was a good look on him, his forehead scrunched up and his lips pursed emphasising his cheekbones, "I'm going to put this map on the whiteboard."

"No."

He quirked a brow, "No?"

"No. The board is exclusively for notes about our plan."

"The map is part of the plan," he said as he tried to sidestep her and get around her but she followed every step he made, blocking his path so they did a little dance in front of the board, "Come on, Morgana. There's enough room on the board for notes and the map. We can share."

"No. I've never been good at sharing."

"That, I can believe," he muttered and then he decided to change tact and he stepped closer to her, put a hand on her waist, bowed his head and looked up at her through his lashes, a ghost of a smile on his lips, "Please, Morgana, let me have just a tiny bit of the board."

Oh dear god. When he looked at her like that, all rational thought slipped from her mind. She closed the almost non-existent gap between them, her fingers twisting in his shirt. He grinned and she realised he thought he'd won. And her senses came back to her. She rose up onto her toes and pressed her lips close to his ear, smiling as she felt his hand tighten on her waist, "You can put your little map on the wall. It's not getting near my board, Emrys," she whispered and pressed a whisper of a kiss to the skin just below his ear before pulling away and turning back to the board. She heard him clear his throat behind her, "Right, then, I'll just do that."

She counted to three and pretended to write something on the board, then spun around just as Merlin was finishing tacking the map to the wall. She tilted her head and looked at the map, "So, where is a good place for a dragon to land?"

"That's the question of the week, isn't it?" he walked to the door and held it open for her, "Let's go see if sleeping beauty is awake yet."

She nodded and led the way into the living room where Sarah was indeed awake and sitting up on the couch and rubbing her eyes. Morgana thought she'd seen Sarah looked better, last night's makeup was smudged and on areas on her face that it shouldn't be and rubbing her eyes just made it worse.

"I feel like crap," Sarah whined.

Morgana nodded, "Yeah that might have something to do with the yummy liquorice shots you downed last night."

Sarah groaned and Merlin handed her a cup of coffee, "You have class in an hour, Sarah." He gently reminded.

Morgana perched herself on the arm rest of the couch and sipped at her hot chocolate and grinned as Sarah groaned again. It was a rather unladylike sound, a sound she would have been reprimanded for if she'd made a sound like that in Camelot.

"You need to get home and change so you won't smell like you spent the night in a pub," Merlin said, adding a smile so it didn't sound quite so harsh.

Sarah turned to him with a pout and Morgana rolled her eyes as Sarah batted her lashes at him, "Can't I just borrow a t-shirt from you?"

"No." Was Merlin's quick-fire response and Morgana raised her brows and tried to hide her smile as Merlin tried to backtrack, "I mean, I don't like to lend out my clothes, I tend to never get them back."

Morgana let out a giggle and tried and failed to hide with a clearing of her throat, Merlin shot her a look and she shrugged her shoulders. Taking pity on Sarah, Morgana leaned across the couch and smiled and said, "You can borrow something of mine."

Sarah looked at her like it was her fault that Merlin wouldn't let her borrow his clothes. Maybe it was. She didn't really feel too guilty about it though, "No thanks."

Sarah pushed herself to her feet and shook her head like she was trying to shake off her hurt, "Are you coming to class, Merlin, or do you have something more important to do?"

Morgana didn't miss the snark in her tone and Merlin was looking incredibly guilty. He caught Morgana's eye then looked back at Sarah with remorse, "No. We have something to do. A little field trip actually."

"Of course," Sarah said bitterly and looked from Morgana to Merlin, "I never even had the tiniest little possibility at a shot with you, did I?"

Morgana felt bad for Sarah in that moment and silently begged Merlin not to answer that, she glared at him so hard but he wouldn't look in her direction. He shook his head, "I'm sorry. But, no, not really."

"Shit," Morgana muttered under her breath, couldn't he have softened the blow a little bit?

Sarah laughed bitterly and Morgana saw the hint of tears in her eyes, "Well, at least he's honest, about this anyway."

"Sarah…" Merlin began, full of remorse.

Sarah shook her head, "No. I know. You just want to be friends," she said the word 'friends' bitterly, "I'm going to go. I'll see you both later."

Well, shit. Morgana thought maybe she should say something or do something to stop Sarah from leaving but she wasn't sure what the right thing to say or do was. She was hoping Merlin would say something but he kept his mouth shut and just looked at Sarah with sad eyes. Sarah pulled the door open and slammed it shut, rattling it in its frame.

Morgana turned her eyes onto Merlin, "You couldn't have said it nicely?"

He smiled sadly, "You're going to lecture me on nice? I've been saying it nicely for a long time, she wasn't getting it, so I went with brutal honesty today."

She opened her mouth to make a retort back but was cut off by the door opening and Sarah rushing back in, grabbing Merlin's face in both hands and pressing her lips to his.

Holy shit. Morgana's eyes went wide and her mouth dropped. Sarah pulled back and smiled, "Just had to do it once, just to see what it was like." And then she was gone, shutting the door less violently behind her. Morgana wondered if Merlin had enjoyed that kiss, if that one press of lips on lips was enough to change his mind about starting something with Sarah. She wondered if Sarah was his type after all.

"So, I think we should catch the train, scope out my proposed landing sight and wait for nightfall and then if it's suitable, I can call Kilgharrah."

She blinked at him as he spoke as if nothing had happened; she continued to gape at him. He finally looked at her and caught her expression, "What? Why do you look like you're about to go into shock?"

She pointed at the door, "Sarah just…and you…and…"

He looked at her like she was the most amusing thing he'd ever seen, "Could you repeat that using full, actual sentences?"

"Sarah just waltzed back in here and planted one on you and you're not even fazed, you're acting completely normal, like girls just come in and throw themselves at you and kiss everyday."

"Well," Merlin drawled with a grin, "Not _everyday_."

She smiled and looked down and fiddled with her coffee cup, bit her lip and contemplated the wisdom in asking her next question, "Was it a good kiss?"

"Well, it wasn't awful."

She swallowed and nodded, "Do think she's beautiful?"

"Shit. Don't do that. Don't fixate and compare yourself to her."

She meet his eye stubbornly, "Well, do you?"

Merlin nodded, mostly to himself, took the cup out of her hand, placed it on the table and took each of her hands into his, forcing him to look at him, "Sarah is a lot of things. She's loyal and intelligent and beautiful if you like the blonde hair, blue eyed thing."

"Do you?"

"She's beautiful but she's not you," he paused and squeezed her hands and she had to swallow the lump in her throat and push back the insecurities that inched under her skin. He smiled lightly at her and tilted his head, "Now, how do you feel about trains?"


	23. Chapter 23

She loved trains. Maybe even more than she loved her whiteboard. Now, whoever came up with the idea of a train, that was a genius. They were so much better than cars. She loved watching the landscape fly by her. She loved everything about it, putting her ticket into the machine and the gate opening for her, the train approaching the platform, the automated voice saying 'mind the gap' and Merlin taking her hand to help her step up off the platform into the train, then not letting go until they were situated in the carriage. The train was packed; everyone was on their commute home, while she and Merlin were taking a train to the middle of nowhere in search of a landing spot for a dragon. She smiled as she thought if they said that out loud, they'd be looked up, forget about a cozy cottage for two, it would be a padded cell for two, she didn't think that would be terrible. There were no spare seats for them to sit, so they ended up standing in the middle of the carriage, her back to the pole and Merlin in front of her, standing close to her, his hands holding the pole behind her, so she was trapped by his arms on either side. The train moved, jostled and bumped and made her unsteady on her feet, she hooked her fingers into Merlin's jean pockets and pulled him closer. Just for the sake of stability. Had absolutely nothing to do with the warmth coming off his body in waves or the way he was looking at her. It had absolutely nothing to do with the way staring into his eyes made it seem as though they were the only two people on this train. And she totally wasn't thinking about suggesting they just stay on this train, just going wherever it took them so that he wouldn't move away from her. Ok, maybe she was thinking about doing just that, especially when the movement of the train bumped her into him and he wrapped one arm around her waist to steady her.

"We should find a seat on the way back," he murmured into her ear.

Hell no. Even if the whole damn carriage was empty, they were standing exactly like this.

The train was slowing down and coming to a stop and she vaguely heard someone announce what station they were at but she was too caught up in all things Merlin.

He was slowly backing away from her and she blinked to clear the Merlin induced fog over her mind. He smiled at her, "This is our stop."

She nodded and followed him off the train and into the bustling station; he slung his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close, muttering something about it being so he didn't lose her in the crowd. She put her arm around his waist and hooked her fingers through his belt loops.

She had no idea where they were, some obscure little village in the middle of nowhere, but she didn't really care. It was like their own little adventure, like one of the many ones he and Arthur had gone on, the ones she'd never been invited on or wasn't allowed to go on. Except there was no chainmail or swords. But if all things went well there would be a dragon.

They exited the station and even wearing one of Merlin's hoodies, the cool night air made her shiver and she tightened her arm around his waist, trying to steal a little bit of his warmth.

They walked through the village and she thought it would be a nice place for that cozy cottage she'd been dreaming about. They walked for miles, well past the confines of the village, through fields and fields until they could no longer see the tiny lights of the village. They truly were in the middle of nowhere. Merlin slipped away from her and walked around the area, surveying it for suitability. She was a little bit worried that if they summoned Kilgharrah that someone would spot him. While it seemed like a good idea in theory to call an ancient dragon, she wasn't sure in practice if it was a feasible or safe plan.

But then Merlin was stalking back to her and giving her that face splitting smile that made her heart flutter a little. "You ready to call a dragon?" he asked her, as if she might actually say no. She didn't really think he wanted an answer to that, he was practically radiating with excitement. He came over to her and with a hand around her waist, pulled her to him, "This is going to be great," he said as he gave her a quick peck of a kiss on her cheek and let her go, walked to the middle of the field, held his arms out and started shouting at the sky in a language that was foreign even to her.

He stared at the sky and waited. She too gazed up at the sky and waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing was happening. Nothing was coming.

He shook his head and shouted into the darkness again. Her heart ached for him, nothing was happening, this wasn't working. She gave the sky one last glance, then stepped forward, "Merlin," she said softly, "He's not coming, I'm sorry, let's go."

He shook his head, "He'll come, Morgana. He'll come. He has to."

Then he was screaming at the sky and the ferocity in his voice caused her to take a step back. They both looked up but the sky was as still and as calm as it had been before. He shook his head, turned and stalked back to her, she saw tears in his eyes and he grabbed her by the arm and started to pull her away, "Come on, let's go. It was a stupid idea anyway."

She let him start to lead him away but then she heard something that sounded a lot like wings flapping. Very, very large wings. She looked back over her shoulder just in time to see a large, imposing Dragon land and rest on its haunches in the middle of their field. "Merlin."

He was still pulling her along, "Do you like Fish and Chips? We should go have Fish and Chips. That way this trip won't be a complete waste."

"Merlin!" She yelled. He stopped, dropped her arm and turned to face her.

"What?" He asked agitated. She saw the exact moment he spotted Kilgharrah. His face took on an expression she hadn't seen from him in a long time. Pure joy. He brushed past her and approached the dragon that dipped his head in what looked like a respectful bow, "Young Warlock."

"Kilgharrah."

Morgana hung back, remembering what Merlin had said about the dragon probably wanting to burn her alive. She didn't really fancy being scorched by a dragon's breath. She knew the moment Kilgharrah's gaze fell on her; it was full of hatred and scorn.

"You've brought the witch. Have you learned nothing? She can not be trusted."

She watched as Merlin looked back at her and shook his head, "She's different now. She's changed."

"Destiny does not allow people to change. You're a fool if you believe she will not betray you."

Merlin shook his head again and his fists clenched at his sides, "We're not here to discuss Morgana and her intentions."

"No. You're here about the knight."

"Yes. He seems different. For a moment he remembered his memories. We want to know if there's a way to lift the veil in his mind between the old and new memories."

Kilgharrah lowered his head toward Merlin and Morgana thought she saw some affection from the old dragon for Merlin.

"There is much I need to tell you, young warlock, but I won't do that with the witch here. I call for you at another time and you will come."

Merlin dipped his head in what was the barest of nods, "Now can you help with Lancelot or not?"

"There is a spell I can impart on you."

"Will it work on everyone or just him?"

"There are those who should never be allowed to remember, those who can't remember, those who need to remember and those who can never forget."

Morgana rolled her eye and finally spoke up, "Well, that's incredibly, annoyingly vague."

Merlin shot her a grin over his shoulder then turned back to Kilgharrah, "Will you give it to me?"

Dragon and Dragon lord eyed each other for a moment before Kilgharrah gave a little nod, took a deep breath in and then released it all over Merlin.

"Thank you, Kilgharrah," Merlin turned, strode to her and took her hand ready to lead her away.

"Lady Morgana," Kilgharrah called to her, she turned back to him, "You can't escape destiny no matter how much you try."

The way he said it chilled her to the bones, as if he knew more about what would be than she could even imagine.


	24. Chapter 24

Morgana thought that children of this age had it so good; all they had to worry about was having fun and going to school to learn. There was no need to think about destiny or worrying about being married off against their will. They could play on swings and slides for hours on end. She loved swings, loved the feeling of flying through the air, there was not such thing when she was child there was merely heartbreak, death and destruction. But now. Now she could play on a swing with Merlin on the other one, swaying back and forth. As promised, he'd bought fish and chips and she'd nibbled on a few chips for his sake.

She couldn't get Kilgharrah's words out of her head about not being about to change or escape destiny. She wondered if he were right, if by trying to be something other than what destiny dictated was just raging against what was unchangeable.

"Merlin," she started as she kept the swing moving, "Do you think the dragon was right about destiny and not being able to change it?"

He put his feet into the dirt, slowing his swing down and thought about his answer, she thought if he had to think about it that long and hard then she wasn't going to like what he was going to say.

"I used to believe you couldn't. That destiny was predetermined, that we had no control over it, that it was set in the stars and everything we did just led us to that point."

Well, that didn't sound very promising, "And now?"

He reached out and grabbed the chain of her swing in one hand pulling her to a halting stop. He turned in his swing to face her and pulled her swing closer to his and they were almost nose to nose. There was no escaping his gaze. The look in his eyes was serious and earnest and it was all aimed at her.

"I think you can do and be whoever and whatever you want. Your life is what you make it. Fuck destiny. Just do what you want."

"This coming from the guy who has dedicated his whole existence to Arthur."

He shrugged, "You are free to do what you want. I was born to protect Arthur, to help him fulfill his destiny. I don't think you should be trapped by the confines of destiny, I never said anything about me."

She shook her head, "I don't believe that. I don't believe your only purpose for being alive is Arthur."

He shrugged, "It is what it is. But you, Morgana can do anything you want."

She leaned closer, grabbing onto his shirt for balance, "There's nothing that you want just for yourself? Something that has nothing to do with destiny or Arthur?"

He looked down and she wanted to scream in frustration but then he looked up at her through his lashes, "Can I think or a thing or two."

It was a tense moment and she wasn't sure if they were both talking about the same thing or not. He cleared his throat; looked away, let go of the chain of her swing sending her swinging away from him. And just like that the moment was gone. She wanted to scream at him or hit him, possibly both. Instead, she took a breath and changed the subject to something they were both more comfortable with.

"So, Kilgharrah breathes on you and you now know the spell for retrieving Lancelot's memories?"

"Yeah."

"Easy as that?"

He grinned, "You wanted it to be more difficult?"

"No but I expected it to be. Also, I was hoping we'd need the hypnosis."

"You just wanted to bend people to your will."

She shrugged and smiled, "Not so much bend them to my will but maybe find out the answers to certain questions." She shot him a look full of meaning, thinking she'd like a look inside the inner workings of his mind.

He shook his head and laughed, "You're not hypnotizing me."

She pouted and pretended to be put out, "Oh, you're no fun."

He smirked, "You have no idea, Morgana, how fun I can be."

She didn't even begin to know what that meant but she still felt herself blushing anyway. She tried to shake it off; he probably didn't mean it in the same way that she was interpreting it.

"So," she said trying to keep her voice steady and as normal sounding as possible, "What next? Do we want to do the spell on Lancelot or scry for Gaius first?"

"I don't think it really matters what order we do it in."

She nodded and then sighed as she had a thought, "Merlin, what if all this is an epic failure and Arthur never rises?"

She decided to finally voice the question they were both avoiding. Merlin came to a stop on his swing again and shrugged, "Well, then I go back to trying to end my miserable life." He said it like a joke, like it was the natural progression to all this, like it was inevitable.

She jumped off the swing and started to walk away from him. Just like she knew he would, he came after her, walking beside her, "You can't be pissed off with me for what we both know to be true."

She glared at him and shook her head, "Let's just go, Merlin."

She couldn't understand why he couldn't see that his life meant something and that it would mean something without Arthur if only he'd let it. And she didn't feel like explaining it to him. Instead she decided to just be pissed off with him.

He sighed and they walked back to the train station, him walking a few steps behind her. She thought that was pretty symbolic of their entire relationship: one step forward, two steps back.

When they got back on the train, they found a seat and sat with a seat between them. She couldn't explain it, but she suddenly felt like crying, like he'd broken her heart even though she'd never given her heart to him and he'd never taken it.

They didn't speak the entire way back to his flat and when she followed him in, she went and got a pillow and blanket from the bedroom and set up camp on the couch while he looked at her like she'd betrayed him or like she'd kicked his puppy. He gave her one last look before shaking his head and going into the bedroom.

She lay down on the couch and closed her eyes and waited for sleep to come.

When sleep finally did come, she dreamt for the first time in a long time. It wasn't a dream filled with cute puppies and kittens and happy ending. She saw images of death and destruction. She saw pools of blood. She saw a sword being burnished by a dragon's breath. Then she saw herself wield that same sword and shove it into someone's flesh. She saw shockingly blue eyes look at her in alarm and betrayal and saw herself feel nothing but satisfaction at his death. Merlin.

She flew up on the couch, clutching the blanket to her chest, tears streaming down her face. That wasn't a dream about the past, it was a dream of what was to come. She was going to kill Merlin.

It was the middle of the night but she hurriedly put on her shoes, grabbed Merlin's hoodie that she had discarded earlier and slipped out of the door and down the stairs, putting as much distance between herself and him as was possible. She ran down the street until she got to the corner and stopped and leant against the wall, catching her breath and cried for what would never be and for what her dream told her she would inevitably do.


	25. Chapter 25

For a week she avoided him. She didn't answer when he called her; she pretended she wasn't home when he came knocking, even though she knew he could get in if he really wanted to. But they both knew he wouldn't invade her privacy like that. He had a better sense of boundaries than she did. She avoided her Shakespeare class. She slept in his t-shirt in the hopes that it would drive away the dream that had been on loop in her head.

And when everything in her body itched and screamed at her just to walk back to his flat and waltz in like everything was perfectly normal, she sat on her kitchen floor with a bottle Jack Daniels. She preferred Vodka but she wanted something that burned when it went down. When her limited alcohol source ran out, she made another CD on her laptop dedicated to songs that reminded her of Merlin. And then she sat and cried while she listened to them.

When she felt like she couldn't cry anymore, she sat on her bedroom and drew picture after picture of him. He'd become her new muse. Her obsession. Spending time with him was supposed to cure her of her stalker tendencies but it just made him get even further under her skin. She hated him for that. Except she really didn't. She became frustrated with drawing him, she couldn't get his eyes right. Why did he have to have such damn expressive, uniquely pretty eyes? She felt like she was losing her mind and it was his entire fault. Him, with those eyes, his smiles and softly spoken words. Him, who tried to convince her of her worth but couldn't see his own. He made her breathing hitch and her heart trip over itself and he didn't even know it, but she was going to kill him, she'd seen it. It was as the dragon had said, she couldn't escape destiny. Something was going to lead her to destroy him. She had no idea how to stop it and until she did, she was going to sit in her flat and draw pictures of him. She would stay away from him because he would look at her in that way he did, the way that made her vulnerable to him and he'd convince her that everything would be fine. She knew it wouldn't be.

As she sat on her floor outlining yet another sketch of Merlin, there was a knock on her door. She froze. It wasn't him. She'd memorized the way he knocked and that wasn't it. Sighing she pushed herself to her feet and went to the door ready to tell whoever it was to sod off and leave her the hell alone. She pulled open the door and was face to face with Sarah who winced as she took in the sight of Morgana, "You look like hell."

"What are you doing here, Sarah?" she asked, her voice croaky from a lack of use and a lack of water.

"Merlin called me, he's worried about you, I can see why. When was the last time you took a shower?"

She shrugged, "It's been awhile."

Sarah pushed her way into the flat and started cleaning up, "You want to tell me what's going on?"

"No. Not really."

Sarah sighed, "Fine. But you can't sit around here anymore. There's a band at the pub tonight, why don't you have a shower, get changed and we'll go."

Morgana shook her head, "I know."

"Merlin won't be there." Sarah said, "And either you come willingly or I drag you, it's your choice. You can't sit here and wallow in whatever misery you have going on."

"Fine," she said stubbornly, "But I'm not having fun."

Sarah shrugged, "I don't care if you have fun or not, you just have to get out of the house."

"Fine."

Sarah nodded, "Good. Now go. Shower. Make yourself presentable."

Morgana sighed and went to her bedroom, picked out a pair of jeans and a Guns and Roses t-shirt she'd stolen off Merlin and had hacked into a halter top, went to the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. Sarah was right. She did look like hell. She got into the shower and let the hot water beat down on her. She closed her eyes and was assaulted with the image of herself in a shower washing blood off herself. Merlin's blood. Quickly, she shut the water off and got out of the shower, dried herself off and dressed in her chosen outfit. Maybe she needed a distraction. A band at the pub would be just the thing, she could drink and dance and flirt with a few good looking guys. She applied some makeup quickly, finishing the look with eyeliner and some lip-gloss. She pulled the door open and Sarah appraised her with a smile, "That's more like it." Sarah dangled a pair of black patent heels from her fingers, "Here put these on and let's go."

She quickly put on the shoes and then Sarah was ushering her out of the flat, they walked along in uncomfortable silence until Morgana couldn't take it anymore, "I'm sorry about the whole Merlin thing."

"You mean him rejecting me and then me kissing him?"

"Yeah."

Sarah shrugged, "It's ok, I'm sorry I've been a bit of a bitch about you and him and all your history. I was just jealous, I guess. Wanting something I couldn't have."

"We are both incredibly fucked up."

"I wouldn't necessarily say fucked up," Sarah said with a smile, "More beautifully broken."

Morgana tried for a smile that she was sure came out more like a grimace, "That's one way to put it."

Sarah stopped her just outside the pub, "I don't know what's going on but you can talk to me. Anytime about anything."

Morgana just nodded. She couldn't talk to Sarah about this. She couldn't talk to anyone. They walked into the pub and it was reasonably packed but through the crowd she spotted Merlin at the bar with Lancelot. He met her eye and she turned to Sarah, "I thought you said he wasn't going to be here?"

Sarah shrugged, "I lied."

Morgana shook her head and headed to the opposite end of the bar with Sarah following. She pushed her way to the bar and leant against it waiting for the bartender's attention and avoiding looking in Merlin's direction. A guy appeared next to her, "Hey, sweetheart, can I buy you a drink?"

She turned to him and smiled, "Sure."

Sometime in the next hour or so, Sarah had abandoned her in favour of going and talking to Merlin and Lancelot while she stayed by the bar and chatted to the bar tender, smiled at the men who bought her drinks and occasionally allowing one of them to dance with her. She was nowhere near drunk and she wished for a mortal's intolerance to alcohol. She'd just downed another shot of vodka when a hand grabbed her roughly by the arm and a voice growled into her ear, "We need to talk."

She was being pulled away from the bar and out of the pub into the alleyway behind the pub. She shook his hand off her arm and glared at him. Merlin glared right back and eyed her up and down.

"Did you cut up my t-shirt?"

She rolled her eyes, "Yes. Is that all, can I get inside now?"

"Need to get back to your adoring fans, My Lady?"

She folded her arms across her chest, "What do you want, Merlin?"

"What do I want?" he repeated as he started pacing in front of her, "You're avoiding me."

"I'm not avoiding you."

"Bullshit! You sneak out in the middle of the night and I don't see you for a week, that's avoiding."

"Did you ever think that maybe I just got tired of spending every waking moment with you?" She shot back going for nonchalance and boredom.

He smirked unkindly and came towards her, "Sweetheart, don't lie to me. I've been stuck with you for a thousand years; everywhere I went there you were. So, you got sick of me? I don't think so."

She pushed him away by shoving him hard in the chest, this was good, anger was good, and anger was better than the aching longing of missing him. To her irritation, he smiled.

"Yeah, that's it, fight with me, but don't run away, Morgana."

"You infuriate me." She stated with a glare.

He raised his brows, "Yeah? Well, you annoy the shit out of me, so I guess we're even."

She shook her head and feeling completely done and like she should have stayed on her floor, drawing and wearing his hoodie, she went to walk past him but he caught her arm and spun her around bringing her close to him, "Stop running away, stop avoiding me."

She ripped her arm out of his grip and stumbled away from him, "Fine! What do you want?"

"Thought we established that, I want to know why you're avoiding me, is it because of what I said? About ending my existence?"

"No but since you brought it up, why do you think your life is worth nothing?"

He shrugged, "Because it isn't." He said it so plainly, simply like he was stating a fact that was indisputable. It infuriated him.

"It means something to me!" She screamed, tears filling her eyes, she tried and failed to blink them away, she didn't want to cry. The thought of him dying, the image of him dying by her hand devastated her. And he had no idea.

"Why?" He said quietly. He was the quiet to her loud, the light to her darkness.

"Because I've seen your death! And it hurts!"

His brow furrowed, "What?"

She pointed to her temple, "In here. I've seen you die. Over and over again and I can't take it."

He stared at her stunned for a moment and then realization dawned on his face, "You had a dream."

She nodded the tears flowing easily and unstoppably down her face, "Yes. I had a dream. A dream where you die."

"How?" But he didn't look worried, he looked slightly fascinated. And that thought made her feel sick. She rushed forward and shoved him again.

"Don't do that, Merlin, don't be nonchalant about your own death."

He shoved her hands away and watched her training his face into a more neutral expression, "How do I die in your dream?"

"Me! I kill you! This is why I can't be around you!"

He shook his head, "You think avoiding me will change anything?"

She shook her head, "I don't want to kill you," she whispered.

He tilted his head and watched her for a moment then closed the gap between them, cupped on of her cheeks in his hand and smoothed away the tears with his thumb, his lips quirked up in a little smile, "So, don't."

She almost caved, she almost nodded and let his quiet voice and his hand on her cheek lull her into submitting and doing exactly what he want. But then she remembers the image of her shoving a sword into him and him falling dead at her feet.

She shoved him away, "Don't. Don't do that."

He looked at her confused, "Don't do what?"

"Look at me like that, touch me like only you can and talk to me softly and pretend that I'm special, that I'm beautiful in ways besides my body and face."

He shook his head, "I'm not pretending anything."

But she wasn't listening, "You can't keep making me feel like maybe, just possibly I might mean something to you."

"You do mean something to me," he said quietly. And that was what made her snap.

"Shut up!" She screamed at him and then there was silence in the alley way and just the sound of them breathing. She moved forward and shoved him back, shoved his body back into the wall behind him, her body following, slamming her mouth onto his into an awkward, hurried kiss.

He did nothing, didn't respond, didn't return her kiss, didn't touch her, and didn't push her away. He did _nothing._ And all her insecurities came creeping back in and she suddenly knew how Sarah felt.

She started to pull away, to back away, to get ready to flee, it was when she was preparing to retreat that he spurred into action, his hand flew up under hair to the nape of her neck and held her where she was.

"Don't you dare move, Morgana," he murmured against her lips and his other hand came up and pressed against the exposed skin of her back and she thought she was going to have a heart attack, that he was going to kill her again, right then and there. He pressed a light, open-mouthed kiss to her lower lip and she parted to her lips and kissed him back. She rose herself up onto her tiptoes to press closer to him, her hands clutching at him. She felt him smile against her lips and she couldn't help but smile back. She forgot all about smiling and anything else but kissing him when he ran his tongue across her bottom lip, she gave him access and surrendered completely to him.

They kissed against the wall, hands and lips roaming, like the teenagers they'd never really been until she had to pull back for air, with his hand still on her neck she didn't get far but she didn't really mind that too much.

She bit her lip trying to capture the taste of him for a little bit longer, smiled and whispered, "Now, will you dance with me?"

He pulled her back to him for a short sweet kiss, "That's what I thought we were already doing."


	26. Chapter 26

_Note: I am not entirely happy with this chapter, I wrote it on my lunch break at work, but I hope it is not too awful. I wanted to portray that Morgana is still a bit conflicted. Also, there's a possibility that her dream is something her mind has made up but then again there's the possibility that it's not. :)_

She paced the length of her living room, turned then paced back the other way. She truly felt like she was losing her mind. She'd never felt so unhinged, not even in the last days of Camelot. She'd been kissing Merlin against a wall in a filthy alley way and it had been completely perfect and then the next moment, her mind was betraying her and wondering if she'd kiss him before she killed him. And then she did what she seemed to be doing best at the moment: she pushed away from him, forced his hands off her and ran away. Now she couldn't get the image of giving him one last lingering kiss before stabbing him out of her mind. Maybe Sarah had been right when she said they seemed like a fucked up version of Romeo and Juliet. Maybe they had it right. The world raged against them so they took matters into their own hands. So, right then and there, inspired by Romeo and Juliet, the greatest love story ever told, she decided that if Merlin was going down, if he was to die at her hand, then she would go down with him. She would make sure she ended her own life when she ended his. That would be her penance. Maybe they could be reborn again, together, with new lives, new memories with none of the pain and destruction, maybe then they could be free. Maybe then destiny and all it entailed would leave them the hell alone.

She stopped abruptly in her pacing. She stood still in the middle of her living room. He was outside her door. She could feel it, could feel his magic radiating off him in waves and calling to her own. She could feel his irritation, his anger, his confusion through his magic as he lingered outside her door deciding whether to force his way in or not. She stood completely still, her gaze fixed to the door as she waited for him to make up his mind. She couldn't decide if she wanted him to leave, to walk away or to come in.

Her door flew open and bounced off the wall and she was face to face with a pissed off warlock. In that moment she was fairly certain they were going to destroy each other. But she could think of worse ways to go.

"What the hell was that, Morgana? You kiss me then you fucking run away!" The glasses in her cabinet rattled as he screamed at her, his eyes flashing gold and back to blue as he tried to contain himself.

She shook her head, she needed to let him go, she needed to keep him away for as long as possibly, "I'm sorry, that was a mistake, it shouldn't have happened, I'm sorry I forced myself on you."

She was making him angrier, she could feel it, which was good, and she wanted him to hate her.

"Forced yourself on me? Were you in the same alleyway as me? That wasn't a mistake that was a fucking revelation! And I kissed you back."

She shook her head, sighed and turned toward her bedroom, "I never said you weren't polite." She left him standing in her living room; she started to pick up her drawings off the floor when she heard him scream and heard something shatter.

"Polite?!" He followed her into the room, "You think I was being polite? That is all kinds of fucked up."

She tried to ignore him and continued organizing her drawings, maybe if she ignored him he'd go away. He ripped the drawings out of her grasp and glanced down at them, seeing his own face reflected back at him

"You think it was a mistake? You've practically got a shrine dedicated to me in here and you think it was a mistake?!"

She shoved him, pushing him out of her bedroom back into the living room, "You need to leave. I need to stay away from you."

He pushed her hands away as she went to shove him again, "You need to stay away from me? You've never been able to stay away from me, what makes you think you'll be able to now?"

"Because you can do a lot better than me!"

He shook his head and turned to the door, striding to it and for a split second she thought he was going to leave but he slammed it shut and turned and glared at her, "You know, you can be really fucking stupid sometimes."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means there's no one better than you. It means I've been half in love with you since Camelot." He wasn't yelling anymore but his tone wasn't kind and soothing either.

"Shut up!" She screamed, that was definitely not what she wanted to hear. She thought he was lying to her, trying to get her to do exactly what he wanted, "You need to get the hell out!"

He closed the gap between them, bent so their faces were level and whispered, "Make me."

She slapped him hard and stepped back from him. Why was he doing this to her? Why was he making it harder than it needed to be? Couldn't he see she was trying to do the right thing?  
He smirked at her; "You could have had me anytime you wanted. Anytime, even after all the death and destruction you caused, all you had to do was say the word."

Lies. Lies. Lies. He was fucking lying. She hated him for it but at the same time there was part of her that wished it were all true.

She raised watery eyes to him, "Please. Please just leave me alone."

He shook his head, "I can't leave you alone anymore than you can leave me alone."

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"I'm not doing anything to you, Morgana."

That was definitely a lie. She swiped at her eyes, "I'm going to kill you."

He shrugged and his lips quirked up into a half smile, "Maybe. But I don't think you will. You don't want to."

"I saw it. It was foretold."

"In a dream. Morgana, it was just a dream, a vision of what could happen."

"What will happen." She corrected him. He shook his head. He was being stubborn.

"Only if you let it. Only if you choose to go down that path and let it happen."

She shook her head and looked at him through blurry, tear filled eyes, even blurry, he was beautiful, "It's not a choice. It's destiny."

"There's always a choice. You don't want to do it, so don't."

She shook her head, but the action lacked conviction, he was starting to get to her, starting to break down her resolve, "Kilgharrah said I can't escape destiny."

"Fuck Kilgharrah, he's an old dragon, he's not always right."

"How do you know?"

"Because he wasn't right about me not telling you about my magic." He was slowly inching closer to her until he was right in front of her. He reached out and took her face in both hands; she took hold of his wrists in her hands to either push him away or bring him closer, she didn't know which. "Morgana, as long as you and me stick together, everything will be fine."

"I don't want to stay away from you," she whispered.

He smiled, "Then don't," he said as his lips descended on her. He kissed her like it was a promise, like a dedication, his hands slipped from her face and down to her waist, she threw her arms around his neck, trying to get closer. She could never be close enough. He smiled into the kiss and lifted her up so she had no choice but to wrap her legs around his waist. This was almost close enough. He stepped back and half sat, half fell onto the couch and she landed in his lap, straddling him, never breaking the kiss, her hair fell around them covering both their faces.

She shivered as he walked his fingers up her spine, she pulled back just enough to ask, "Do you really mind that I cut up your t-shirt?"

He smirked at her and brushed aside her hair and dropped an open mouthed kiss to her bare shoulder, "Not at all," he mumbled against her skin as he kissed his way along her shoulder, pausing to suck on the skin where her neck met her collarbone. That would definitely leave a mark. He kissed up her neck, her jawline, along her cheek, the corner of her mouth before pulling her back in for another soul searing kiss. At this point she'd probably do anything he asked her to. She ran her hands along his sides and up under his t-shirt pushing it up until it wouldn't go any further. Taking the hint, he pulled away from her, grabbed his shirt by the back of the neck and pulled it over his head and tossed it aside.

Her eyes fell to the scar just above his heart, she lightly traced it with her fingers then felt him suck in a harsh breath as she dipped her head and pressed a soft kiss to it. He reached around her back and moved them so that she had her back pressed into the couch and he was looming above her, "No more running away, Morgana."

"This could end so badly," she whispered but as she said it, she was wrapping her arms and legs around him, pulling him closer.

"Or," he said, his voice low and husky, as he pushed her top up and pressed a kiss to her stomach, just above the waistband of her jeans, "It could be fucking amazing."

Well, she thought, as their clothing seemed to disappear piece by piece, how could she argue with that? Either they would survive whatever this was or they would surely destroy each other, she thought as she arched her body to meet his as his body joined with hers and he bent to kiss her. He pulled her leg further up on his hip and she sucked in a breath, and then released it, his name on her lips. He clasped and linked their hands together above her head as they moved with and against each other. She kept whispering his name like he was her personal deity and then she was screaming it as he groaned hers. That was the moment when every glass in her cabinet exploded and shattered.


	27. Chapter 27

She bent and swiped his shirt off the floor and threw it at him. They had the whole couch between them, he was behind it and she was in front of it. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, as they both got dressed. She wasn't entirely sure what to say but she felt she needed to say something, she something to let him off the hook if that was what he wanted. She'd gotten good with rejection over the years but she wasn't sure if she could take it from him.

"Merlin," she started but then stopped as she realized she had no idea what to say and not wanting to start a fight.

He sighed and shook his head tiredly, "Morgana, I swear if you say that was a mistake, I'm going to wring your pretty neck."

He looked tired, defeated as if he didn't have the energy to talk her out of her insecurities or have the same argument all over again. She bit her lip and watched him, he was pulling on his jeans and fiddling with the button and then with his belt buckle, his hair was sticking up all over the place at crazy angles and he just looked thoroughly disheveled and she felt a little proud that she'd made him look like that.

She shook her head and smiled as she decided to put her fears about her dream away for a little bit. She could return to worrying about it later. She stepped up onto the couch cushions and threw a leg over the back of the couch, putting her hand on his shoulder to steady herself. He stepped closer to the couch and took her other hand as she threw her other leg over so that she was sitting, a little unsteadily on the backrest of the couch. She grabbed the front of his shirt and reeled him in while he looked at her as if she was a complete mystery to him. Once he was close enough, she leaned forward, put her arms around his neck and then wrapped her legs around his waist, transferring her weight from the couch to him. She smiled down at him and brushed a chaste kiss across his lips, "It wasn't a mistake."

He grinned and nodded, "Yeah, I know."

She giggled as he hitched her up higher and started walking with her still wrapped around him, she clung to him tighter, "Where are we going?"

"Back to mine."

She smiled and let out another giggle, which was abruptly cut off as her back pressed against the door and he kissed her. She thought the kiss was a little desperate, like maybe he was memorizing her, like he thought she'd push him away and never allow him to do it again.

He pulled back and pressed his forehead against her and she smiled and whispered, "I can walk, you know."

"Yeah, I know, but this way is much more fun."

She pressed a whisper of a kiss to his cheekbone, "Come on, let me down."

He let her go but didn't step back so she slid down his body and felt every inch of him against every inch of her. She clutched his arms and peered past him, "We should clean up that glass."

He looked back over his shoulder and smirked, "Yeah, we literally made the earth move."

"Forget making it move, we made it _explode_."

He grinned at her cheekily, "Yeah, I guess we did," he picked up her hand and pressed a kiss to the palm, "I'll clean it up if you want to get some more stuff to bring back to my place."

She was about to protest and say that there was nothing she really needed or really wanted to bring with her but then she thought she'd like to take her drawing stuff. As she packed up her sketchbooks and pencils, another image of Merlin covered in blood and lifeless came flitting through her mind. She shook it off; don't think about it right now. Have him; keep him, while you still can. How long did she have before her dream became reality? How long did they have to pretend they were just any other couple starting to get together?

She went back into the living room where he was waiting for her, leaning against her kitchen counter looking heartbreakingly good. She went over to him, stood in front of him and smiled, "Come on, Romeo, let's go."

His brows flew up and he grinned at her, "Romeo?"

She shrugged, tucked her sketchbook under her arm, and took his hands, linking their fingers together and pulled him away from the counter, starting to walk backwards, "Yeah, just go with it."

He nodded and took a step forward for every one of her steps back, "As you wish, My Lady."

Before, he'd used her title as an insult or as scorn or as a tease, now it took on a whole other meaning. She kind of liked it.

"So, if I'm Romeo, does that make you Juliet?"

"Yeah."

"Hope we have a better ending than they did," he said as he dropped one of her hands and twirled her around with the other and tucked her into his side, his arm around her shoulders as they left her flat and walked down the street. She silently thought that they probably wouldn't but maybe someone would write an epic play about them someday. She inched closer to him and he tightened his arm around her.

"Merlin?"

"Yeah?"

"How did you know I was following you around all that time? I was completely stealth."

He chuckled and pressed a kiss to her temple, "You were pretty stealth. I hardly ever saw you. But I could feel you."

"You could feel me?"

"Yeah, it was like something inside me would sizzle and spark whenever you were near."

She smiled and thought about when she could feel him on the other side of her door. She thought maybe that meant they could be more to each other's destiny rather than just doom or each other's downfall. It meant they had some kind of epic connection. She wondered when it had started.

"So, now that you and me are…you and me, does that mean I can actually write on the whiteboard," he asked with a smile.

"No." She said as she shrugged out of his embrace and led him up the steps to his flat and let herself in. He lingered in the doorway and she looked at him questionably, his smile had slipped from his face, it was like his demeanor completely changed as soon as they crossed the threshold. He looked at her with something like longing, sighed, walked past her, running a hand along her cheek as he did. She had no idea what was going on. He went to the kitchen, opened a cupboard and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. How much booze did he have in this place? He flopped down on the couch and opened the bottle taking a long drink. Did being with her drive him to drink? She walked over to stand in front of the couch, "What are you doing?"

He shrugged, took another drink and looked up at her, "Just preparing."

"Preparing for what? One minute you're happy, smiling, everything's fine and then the next you're drinking. Did I do something?"

Though she wasn't sure what she possibly could have done between leaving her flat and arriving at his. His mood had just changed with a click of the fingers.

"No. But you will. You change your mind and your moods every five minutes."

"Oh, and you don't?"

He raised the bottle and tipped it toward her, "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for you to change your mind."

"Change my mind?"

"About this," he waved a finger between the two of them, "About you and me, I'm waiting for you to get lost inside your own head, to over analyze everything to decide it was a mistake. I figure I've got five, maybe ten minutes before that happens, so I'm going to drink. It will be easier to deal with if I drink."

"Merlin…"

He sighed, "I'm not sure I can talk you off that ledge again, not sure I can keep having the same argument with you."

Well. Shit. This was new. Quite the role reversal, now she needed to talk him around. She stepped closer and he watched her every move, she climbed into his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck. It was similar to the first time she hugged him, he didn't touch her. She leaned back and sat on his thighs and watched as he took another drink, she took the bottle from him and put it on the coffee table behind her. He frowned at her and tried to reach around her to grab it back, she pushed him back against the couch with a hand on his chest, "No. No more drinking."

He sighed, "Please don't overthink this, Morgana."

She shook her head, "I'm not the one overthinking things, Merlin, you're doing that all by yourself."

"You always do this, Morgana, you think about everything that could go wrong and freak yourself out."

She held his face in her hands and leaned closer to him, "I'm not going to freak out."

"It's what you do, Morgana."

"Well, you're having your own little freak out right now."

He grabbed her wrists and pulled her hands away from his face and glared at her, "I'm not freaking out, I'm preparing for the inevitable."

She leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips. He didn't respond so she did it again and again and again until he wrapped an arm around her waist and reluctantly kissed her back. She pulled back ever so slightly, "You and me, Merlin, we've got this. I'm not over analyzing. I told you it wasn't a mistake. And it wasn't."

He tangled his hand in her hair, "I want to believe you."

"So," she whispered against his lips, "Believe me."

She wasn't sure if she believed herself, she wasn't sure she could promise she wasn't going to continue thinking about her dream, about the fact that she was more than likely going to kill him but she wanted him and that was enough for now.

This time, his kissed her; she smiled against his lips, knowing that she'd got her way. He pulled back and wrapping his arms around her waist, he stood up as she giggled and clung to him, he started walking to the bedroom. She pressed a kiss to his cheek, "I told you I am capable of walking myself."

"Yeah and I told you, this is more fun."

Well, she really couldn't argue with that. He dropped her onto the bed and climbed in beside her. She inched in closer to him and he wrapped an arm around her. She closed her eyes and hoped that once she fell asleep, she'd only dream about him and his hands on her body and not about his death.

Except, sleep didn't come any time soon, she listened as Merlin's breathing evened out, then extracted herself from him, grabbed the map off the wall and the little bottle he'd given her that had belonged to Gaius. Since she couldn't sleep she might as well do something useful and since he couldn't decide whether or not to find Gaius or use the spell on Lancelot or not, she thought she would make the decision for him.

She tiptoed out to the living room, spread the map out on the table, put the bottle on top of the map and sat back and did what Morgause had taught her about scrying, she focused on her breathing and conjured up the image of Gaius in her mind. She cracked an eye open and watched as the bottle moved across the map seemingly by itself until it came to a stop. She opened her other eye. She may have quite possibly found Gaius. She'd found him for Merlin and nothing more but she'd found him.


	28. Chapter 28

Once again, they were on a train, except this time was a little more fun. She was pressed with her back against the wall of the train; the combined movement of the train and Merlin's lips on her neck was amazing. They'd planned to leave by ten but it was more like noon. They couldn't keep their hands off each other, she'd brushed past him in the bedroom as he'd stood and read her whiteboard and a second later he had her pressed against the wall, her legs around his waist. Then, he'd been brushing his teeth in the bathroom and she'd tiptoed up behind him and kissed the place his shoulder and neck met. He'd dropped his toothbrush into the sink with a clatter, turned, grabbed her, lifted her and perched her on the edge of the basin, stood between her legs and kissed her, tasting of mint and something that was distinctly and uniquely Merlin. They'd stopped a dozen times on the walk to the train station to steal a kiss or two or three. They'd missed their first planned train. Then the next and finally she'd pulled him onto the third.

Now, she had one leg up over his hip and his fingers were slipping up under her top and tickling the skin on her sides and dipping just a little into the back of the waistband of her jeans. She had one hand in the front pocket of his jeans and the other tangled in his hair. She vaguely heard the train conductor announcing what station was coming up but Merlin was making her mind all hazy and she couldn't make out if it was the station they were wanting or not.

"Merlin," she whispered and he pulled away from her, letting her leg drop back down and smiled at her as the train came to a stop.

"This is our stop." He said and turned and started towards the train doors as if he were completely unaffected. She swallowed and straightened her clothes and took a deep breath before she followed him out. He was already out of the train when she stepped down, he held a hand out to her with a smirk and she felt like maybe he was playing with her just a little bit. She took his hand and followed him towards the exit of the station. Once they were outside in the mid-afternoon sun, she pushed him up against the wall, "Don't get your hopes up about this, Merlin, scrying isn't an exact science."

He smiled and twirled a strand of her hair around his finger; "It's ok if he's not here."

"It is?"

"Yeah, if nothing else, I get a day out with you."

She pulled him away from the wall with a smile and they walked through the village hand in hand. She'd scryed a residential map of the area to pin point an exact address. She hoped this wasn't a waste of a trip, she didn't want Merlin to have yet another disappointment. The address was a small Doctor's office, which made sense that Gaius would in this life too devote his life to science and medicine.

They stopped in front of the address, what looked like a quaint little thatched roof cottage, she pulled on his hand to stop him from walking up the path, "Merlin, we don't have to do this, we could just go find a playground, play on the swings."

She just didn't want him to be disappointed, either Gaius was going to be there or not or he would be and he'd look at Merlin without a hint of recognition. And what if Merlin tried the dragon's spell on him and it didn't work? She thought they could just walk away now and be done with it, sometimes ignorance really was bliss.

Merlin gave her a little half smile and pecked her on the cheek, "It will be fine, Morgana."

He led her up the path and paused on the stoop, tapping on the shining plaque by the door, she read it as he held the door open for her: Doctor Gaius Emrys, G.P.

Well, that answered that question. She crossed the threshold and froze. There at the receptionist desk was Gwen. She stood and stared, she hadn't seen Gwen in this lifetime yet and now here she was. She was the same as ever, that same sad demeanor, a sadness that Gwen couldn't pinpoint a reason for.

With a hand pressed to the small of her back, Merlin urged her forward, she approached the desk and Gwen looked up and smiled. It was a bright smile but it wasn't the same one from Camelot, something was lacking in it.

"Can I help you?"

Morgana nodded and attempted her own smile, "Yes. We'd like to see the doctor please."

"Have you been here before?"

"No."

Gwen presented them with a clipboard and pen and said, "Fill this out then pop it back to me."

Morgana handed the clipboard off to Merlin who took it and started filling it out straight away, "Is there much of a wait today," she asked.

"About fifteen minutes, it's not too busy today."

Morgana nodded and smiled as Merlin passed the clipboard back to Gwen, he took Morgana's arm and led her to the waiting area. She rested her head on his shoulder, "What name did you put on the forms?" she asked quietly.

"John Smith," he murmured back to her.

She lifted her head off his shoulder and gave him a look, "John Smith? You gave the most generic name in the world."

He shrugged, "It was all I could come up with quickly."

She sighed and picked up a magazine and started reading about the latest trends, apparently the 90s were coming back. Some celebrity had named their child after a coordinate, another after a fruit; someone had cheated on their wife with the nanny. She wondered how modern humanity to possess both supreme genius and supreme idiocy all at once. She was in the middle of reading her horoscope when she heard Merlin's sharp intake of breath and looked up to see Gaius standing in the entrance to the waiting room. She took Merlin's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"John Smith?" Gaius sounded and looked exactly the same. Except his hair was shorter and his clothes were modern.

Merlin and Morgana stood up together and followed Gaius down to a consultation room, he held the door open for them and they went in first. Gaius shut the door and turned to them. There was a beat of a moment as they watched each other.

Gaius smiled and that eyebrow of his went up, "Merlin."

And then Merlin was dropping her hand and rushing forward to embrace Gaius. She hung back and sat down in a chair, allowing them this moment.

She watched as they pulled back and without seeing his face, Morgana knew Merlin would have tears slipping down his cheeks. Gaius grasped Merlin's face in his hands, "My boy. How are you?"

Morgana felt a little jealous of their moment, not because she wanted more people in her life but because she knew the more people from the past who came back into Merlin's life, the less he'd need her.

She heard Merlin sniff and when he spoke his voice was hoarse with tears, "I'm good. Much better now. You remember?" His voice held a slight tone of wonder.

"I never forgot."

What was it Kilgharrah had said? Something about some who shouldn't remember, some who can't and some who never forgot. Looks like he'd been right.

Gaius looked past Merlin and at Morgana, "What are you doing with Morgana?"

Merlin spoke in a rush, "She's with me, Gaius, she's different now."

She knew that tone; it was the tone of someone who wanted the other's approval. This was a mistake, she knew it, and she could feel it. Gaius was Merlin's mentor, the closest thing to a father figure he had, he listened to Gaius and Gaius would surely convince him to put as much distance between himself and her as he could. She was fairly certain if Gaius told Merlin to do it, he probably would.

She decided to leave him before he left her, she stood up and said softly, "I'm going to go." I'll catch the train home, leave you two to catch up." But in her mind she knew that if she walked out now she wouldn't see him again, she wouldn't allow herself to see him again.

"Sit down, Morgana, you're not going anywhere." Merlin said it softly but she saw a steely determination in his eyes and knew if she tried to leave, he would stop her. She sighed and sat back down.

"Merlin, I'm not sure you should trust Morgana, I know you like to see the good in people but people don't just change. Think of all the innocent people who were hurt by her actions."

Morgana didn't want to think about all the innocents she condemned in her bid for Camelot. Merlin took a step back from Gaius and shook his head, "She was an innocent once and we made a victim of her by not telling her about her magic, about _my_ magic, by not helping her when she needed it. I poisoned her Gaius."

"You were protecting Camelot." Gaius protested. They were talking about her like she wasn't even there. But she didn't think she should interrupt.

Merlin shook his head again, "But who was protecting her, Gaius?"

"She tried and succeeded in causing Uther's death."

"Perhaps he deserved to die."

"She tortured me, she tortured you, took your magic, tried to kill all of us, was instrumental in Arthur's death. She betrayed us all."

Merlin looked at her and she looked away and avoided his gaze, she heard him sigh, "Maybe we betrayed her first with our inaction."

"Merlin…"

"Gaius, a lot has changed. For over a thousand years she's been the one constant that I could rely on whether or not I wanted her there. She's in my life. She's not going anywhere and if she does, I'm going with her."

She didn't want to read too much into what he was saying, it sounded like he was saying he would choose her over everyone else, but that couldn't be what he meant, not really, he didn't know what he was saying.

Gaius shook his head, "I don't trust her, Merlin."

"You don't have to."

She watched as they stared at each other, some kind of moment of understanding passed between them. Finally, Gaius nodded, seeming to accept what Merlin was telling him, "Well, then would you both like some tea? I can ask Gwen to rustle us up a pot."

"No. We're fine," Merlin spoke for them both.

"Gwen," Morgana spoke up for the first time, "Does she…does she remember?"

"No. She's a troubled girl. I found her living on the streets when she was a teenager. I took her in, gave her a job."

Morgana nodded, "That's good. I'm glad she has someone to look out for her."

Gaius quirked that brow again and looked skeptical, "Are you?"

"Gaius," Merlin warned.

Gaius sighed and walked around Merlin and sat down in his chair, Merlin stayed where he was just turned and leaned against the door.

"What are you doing here, Merlin? Not that I'm not happy to see you but is there a reason for this visit?" Gaius asked avoiding even looking in Morgana's direction.

"We're trying to find everyone. I have a spell from Kilgharrah to restore memories and once we've done that we're going to figure out a way to bring Arthur back."

Gaius' gaze flicked to her and she sat up straighter under his scrutiny, "I see."

But she didn't think he did see at all, didn't think he had any idea. Gaius stood up and cleared his throat, "I have another appointment soon but if you'd like we could have dinner."

She didn't miss that the invitation was directed at only Merlin and didn't include her, she was about to open her mouth to tell Merlin he should stay, that she'd be fine by going back by herself but he beat her to it, "No. We need to get going, thank you."

She saw the disappointment on Gaius' face but he tried to hide it, "Well, another time, then."

"Yeah, sure," Merlin said, he pulled the door open and left, leaving her to follow. She stood up and tried to smile at Gaius, the man who had been kind to her when she was a child and newly in Uther's court.

"It was nice to see you again, Gaius." She left before he could respond. Merlin was nowhere to be seen when she got back out to the reception area. She smiled at Gwen as she walked past but then backtracked and said, "I know your life is not great at the moment. But I promise you, it will get better, I'm going to make sure it does."

She turned and pushed the door open exiting the office and found Merlin waiting for her at the end of the path. She walked over to where he was, "Well, that was rude."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "I know, I'm sorry, he's still the stubborn old man he was before."

She shook her head, "I didn't mean him, I meant you."

"What?"

"I mean, yes he was rude to me, but can you blame him? He was clearly thrilled to see you and wanted to spend more time with you and you just brushed him away."

"He was rude to you," he repeated and put an arm around her as they started walking, "I didn't want to fight with him."

"And you shouldn't. He clearly loves you. I could see it in Camelot and could see it again now. He's using your Druid name as his last name. Do you know how lucky you are? I would give anything for someone to love me like that."

He didn't say anything just held her closer and pressed a kiss to her head.


	29. Chapter 29

_Note:_ _I must confess, not much happens in this chapter, just a bit of Morgana and Merlin cuteness :)_

They walked the streets of Gaius' little village hand in hand, occasionally peering into the windows of the stores, the high street was one of those ones that were cobbled and it just added to the overall quaint feeling. She could imagine herself living here. She spotted a used bookshop and pulled Merlin in behind her. She smiled as the little bell above the door dinged as they entered the store. She breathed in a deep breath, she loved the smell of old bookshops.

Merlin gave her an amused look, "Are you actually trying to sniff the shop?"

"Shut up. Now, help me see if I can find a copy of Romeo and Juliet."

"You already have a copy," he stated but followed her up the rows of books anyway, hooking his fingers with hers so only their fingers were touching. She shrugged and smiled back at him, "So?"

He grinned and shook his head, "No. You're absolutely right, you can't have too many copies of the same book," he teased.

"Technically, it's a play."

"Of course, right, my mistake. You know there's a Waterstones across the street, I bet they even have a brand new copy of it."

She paused from where she was perusing a shelf and gave him a horrified look, "Nooo, used is better."

He smiled that smile that he only used when he was infinitely amused by her and propped his shoulder against a shelf and crossed his arms, "Ok, so enlighten me. Why are used books better?"

She thought maybe he was teasing her or taking the piss but he just looked genuinely curious to know how her mind worked, "All right," she paused trying to gather her thoughts and to find the words to explain it just right, "They smell better."

"They smell better?"

"Yeah. Like they've lived this entire life, like they have this incredible history and wealth of experience."

"That's a lot pressure for the poor books." Now, he really was teasing her. He shrugged and grinned, "Go on then, tell me more."

She picked up a book and waved it in his direction, "They were often better made than the newer ones. Also, books can be better than any well written love letter ever could."

He quirked a brow, "Really? How so?"

"To pick out a book for someone, one that you know they will really enjoy means you know them, know their personality, it means you've put thought into it, have given them something that they can keep and cherish, something they can read over and over again and if you put an inscription in the front it's even better."

"Ok but a love letter can be kept and read over again." He pointed out.

She shrugged, "True but it's not the same."

He was grinning again, "Ok, if you say so."

She nodded and went back to looking over the shelf then gave a little squeal when she found a copy of Romeo and Juliet, she pulled it off the shelf and held it up in triumph for Merlin to see. His grin grew bigger, "What is it with you and that play?"

She shrugged, she didn't want to tell him that it reminded her of the two of them, "I don't know, I just really love it," she leaned in closer and whispered, "I went to see it once when it was originally performed."

"Really?" He whispered back, "Did you ever meet Shakespeare?"

She shook her head, "No. Never."

"I did." He whispered with a smile.

"No you didn't."

"I totally did."

Her mouth dropped and she gaped at him, looked around to make sure no one was listening and whispered back, "What was he like? No, wait; don't tell me, it would ruin my idea of what he was like. I can't believe you met him."

He leaned closer to her, "Are you impressed?"

She wanted to tell him that at that point she was pretty much impressed with everything he said and did but instead she just smiled and nodded. He tapped on the book in her hand with a finger, "What's your favourite part?"

She thumbed through the book to find the page with the passage she liked the best and read out to him, "Give me my Romeo. And when I shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night And pay no worship to the garish sun."

He nodded, "That's a good one," he said quietly. She closed the book and put it back on the shelf, when she turned back to him he was inches away and took her chin in his hand and kissed her lightly, he smiled a small smile as he pulled away and said, "Show me some more of the magic that is used books."

They walked around the store some more, she showed him some of her other favourites and he showed her a book of Grimm Fairy tales that he liked. His smile was so broad as he thumbed through it that she thought she would come back at another time and buy it for him. She thought about the inscription she write in it for him to read over and over every time he opened the book.

They left the bookstore and she spotted a record store and turned to try to convince Merlin to go in but it turned out he didn't need much convincing at all.

While she headed for the classics such as The Rolling Stones or The Beatles or The Ramones, he made a beeline for Nirvana, The Clash and Guns and Roses. He smiled at her over a crate of records, "I love iPods and having music on my phone but there's nothing like vinyl."

"I know!" She enthused, "It just seems more real, like the emotion is more raw…"

"More authentic," he finished for her and she grinned at him, enjoying that he understood her thoughts completely.

"It must have been amazing to be a child and to grow up with all of these things," she said a hint of sadness creeping into her voice, "We had no fairy tales or swing sets or trains or records or Romeo and Juliet."

He met her eye and smiled, "We still had some good things, Morgana."

"Maybe you did but I didn't. I was trapped in a castle with little to no freedom."

"I know. But let's just enjoy all this stuff now."

She nodded because how could she argue with that, she loved all of this stuff and now she got to talk about it with Merlin, which made it even better.


	30. Chapter 30

"Whatever this is about, can we make it quick?" Lancelot said as he sat on Merlin's couch looking between Merlin and Morgana, Merlin had finally decided he was ready to use the spell so Morgana had texted Lancelot and got him to come over, "I have a date. With Sarah."

What? Morgana caught Merlin's eye and they exchanged a look, "Sarah?" she asked, "Our Sarah? When did this happen?"

"Probably," Merlin said drily, "About the time you and I…they were chatting at the pub and looking quite cosy."

Lancelot shrugged, "I asked for her number, she gave to me, we've been talking ever since."

Well, she supposed this could be good, if he were pining after Sarah he wouldn't be an obstacle for Gwen and Arthur. At least that was the theory.

"Ok, well, should we do this?" Morgana asked and looked back at Merlin who winked at her and clapped his hands together and sat on the coffee table,

"Would you close your eyes please?" He asked Lancelot quietly, Lancelot raised his brows but said nothing and closed his eyes. It amazed Morgana that even without his memories, the trust he had for Merlin was still there.

Once again she was hoping this would work, that the dragon hadn't steered them wrong, that Merlin wouldn't be disappointed. He looked at her and smiled like he had complete and utter faith that this would work. She wished she had his optimism. He took a deep breath and then slowly said the spell in the old religion, in the old language. It was only a few lines long. That was it? How could a spell that would change everything be so short, be over so quickly. She'd half convinced herself it hadn't worked. Merlin was leaning forward watching Lancelot and she thought he was holding his breath.

Lancelot opened his eyes and blinked, "Merlin?" And then he was pulling Merlin into a tight embrace, the force of which nearly knocked Merlin over. She thought it was quite sweet really.

"So, you remember?" She asked as they pulled back, Merlin turned to her with a grin that was so happy, it was heartbreaking and Lancelot looked at her with the distrust she knew she deserved.

"The old memories are mixed in with the new but they're there," he said slowly, carefully and looked like he wanted to say more, his gaze flicking from Morgana to Merlin and back again. She suddenly felt uncomfortable with the moment, she stood up and said, "I'm going to go take a shower."

She figured she owed Merlin a moment alone with his friend. She could feel their eyes on her as she walked into the bathroom, shut the door but didn't let it click shut completely. She turned on the shower then sat on the floor beside the door and pressed a hand to the wall and used her magic to make it so she could hear their voices clearly. She knew she shouldn't invade Merlin's privacy but she also knew that eventually Merlin would listen to those close to him and be done with her. She just wanted a little heads up for when that happened. She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her head back on the wall as she listened.

"Merlin," she could hear Lancelot had got up and started pacing, "What are you doing?"

He meant what was Merlin doing with _her_. She waited for Merlin to give the same answer he'd given Gaius, that she'd changed, that she was different. She waited for her to defend her. Instead she her him sigh, "I have no fucking idea."

"I get it, she's different. She _seems_ different. Maybe she's changed, a thousand years is a long time to analyse all your wrong moves but Merlin, her wrong moves outweigh everyone else's."

Another sigh from Merlin, "I know."

"What is it about her that you're so drawn to?"

And that right there was the million dollar question; everyone wanted an answer to that one.

"I was alone for so long, with her I'm not."

"You're with her because you're lonely? If that's the only reason, you need to cut her loose before it's too late, before you get in too deep, before someone gets hurt."

There was a moment, pause, some shuffling and Morgana bit her lip to stop the tears that had formed from falling.

"I'm not with her because I'm lonely. That would be bullshit. But I can't explain it."

"Try."

"She understands me. She knows what it's like to watch every single person you love die. She's lived through as many lifetimes as me. She has this incredible mind but she wasn't really completely allowed to use it in Camelot. She likes to pretend she's tough but inside she's actually kind of delicate. She wasn't evil, Lancelot, she was hurt, she was scared and alone. She's beautiful and she knows it but she doesn't quite believe it."

"You love her." Lancelot said it as a certainty, not a question. Like it was set in stone. She felt her heart race and held her breath as she waited for Merlin's response but none came, he neither confirmed nor denied and it was killing her. The silence seemed to stretch on and she wondered if it was the end of the conversation, if Lancelot had left for his date with Sarah (because that wasn't at all weird).

But then, "What are we going to do about Arthur, Merlin?"

"We're working on that, we're going to find everyone integral to Arthur, make you all remember and then we're going to figure out how to bring him back."

"Yes, that was quite the spell you did on me. Did you just whip that one up?"

"A grumpy old dragon gave it to me."

"Of course it did," Lancelot said dryly as if that were the most reasonable answer Merlin could give.

"He almost didn't. He doesn't like Morgana and she was with me."

"Does this all knowing dragon have any ideas about why Arthur has taken his sweet time rising?"

She could picture Merlin shrugging again, "Maybe. He said he has a lot to tell me but he wouldn't tell me in front of Morgana."

"Have you talked to him since?"

"No. I probably should."

"But you just don't want to hear him talk shit about your lady." Lancelot finished for him.

Merlin chuckled, "Something like that."

"Just be careful, Merlin." Lancelot warned and she had a feeling he was talking more about her than about Merlin's meetings with a dragon.


	31. Chapter 31

_Note: All right, so this is where it all kind of goes to hell in a hand basket, but there is a plan, I promise._

Anger radiated from every pore in his being. He had to clench his fists in attempt to control his magic and stop it from exploding on a train full of people. He couldn't get what Kilgharrah had told him out of his head. He didn't want to believe it but it was the only explanation that really made any sense. He got off the train and walked back to his flat telling himself to calm down, to remember Kilgharrah had been wrong before. He let himself into his flat and Morgana was there sitting crossed legged on the couch with Lancelot, laughing at something he said. She looked innocently beautiful in that moment and that just fuelled and ignited his rage.

"How did you do it?" He shouted. Her laughter cut off abruptly and she stood up, took a step toward him.

"Do what?" She was blinking at him with those green eyes of hers that just got to him every damn time.

He shook his head, "Don't do that, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about."

She frowned and started to look worried, maybe a little scared, she looked to Lancelot to see if he knew anything, to see if he would help her, then she turned her gaze back on him, "I don't, Merlin."

She looked so confused, so innocent that he had to remind himself that she was an expert liar, that he'd seen that oh so innocent look a hundred times. He strode to her, grabbed her by the arms and shook her, "Don't fucking lie to me!"

"Merlin." Lancelot was on his feet looking at him as if he'd lost his mind, maybe he had, this was what she'd driven him to. She'd messed with his head and he'd let her. He let her go with a little push, she was crying now but he ignored her tears, he had to.

"Has it all been an act?," he laughed bitterly, "I fell for it, every fucking second of it, I actually believed you wanted me."

"I do," she whispered, tears streaming down her face, clinging to her lashes and for a second he wanted to walk over and wipe them away, to pull her to him and make it all ok.

He shook his head, "No. You've been playing me all this time. You must think I'm such an idiot."

She shook her head and some of her hair stuck to her face with her tears, she took a step closer to him, "I don't think you're an idiot," she said as she reached out to touch his face.

He batted her hand away just as Lancelot took her other hand and pulled her back from him, "Don't touch me!" He screamed and the magic he'd been holding in caused the TV screen to crack and shatter.

"Merlin," she tried again, he held out a hand and sent her flying back into the wall, Lancelot grabbed his arm as he started to walk to where she was crumpled on the floor, "Merlin, think about this."

He shook him off and towered over Morgana, "It's you, it's all you. All this time."

"What's me? If you're accusing me of something, just say it."

Slowly, he crouched down in front of her and said dangerously low, "You're the reason Arthur hasn't come back."

Her eyes widened and the tears continued to fall and she looked genuinely shocked. She was good. "No."

"Kilgharrah told me…."

She cut him off with a tear-clogged laugh, "Oh, Kilgharrah told you so it must be true."

"Are you saying he lied?"

"No. But he's wrong. Wouldn't be the first time would it?"

She had a point. Kilgharrah had been wrong before but this, "He said Arthur's rising was being suppressed by powerful magic. Magic only possessed by a High Priestess or Warlock who had lived an extraordinary amount of time."

She grabbed him by the shirt and pulled her closer to her, "I didn't do this, Merlin."

He wrapped his hand around her neck and pressed her back into the wall, "Well, I sure as shit didn't!"

Lancelot put his hands under Merlin's arms and lifted him up and away from Morgana, he didn't go without a struggle. Lancelot held onto him as Morgana picked herself up off the floor and looked at him like he was the one causing all the pain.

"You need to get out." He said quietly.

She shook her head, "Merlin."

"Get out!" he screamed as Lancelot held him. She jumped at the volume of his voice. She stared at him for a long moment. She nodded, walked to where he and Lancelot were, she grabbed him by the shirt and with Lancelot holding his arms behind his back he was powerless to stop her. She leaned forward and whispered, "I swear to you, I didn't do this," she brushed a kiss against his lips and he could taste the salt of her tears. She pulled away and gave him one last look before turning and fumbling with the door and slamming it behind her. Lancelot released his arms and he went to the kitchen and grabbed his bottle of whiskey and flopped down onto the couch.

"Want to tell me what that was all about?" Lancelot asked as he sat on the coffee table.

"She's been using magic to stop Arthur rising." He said as he undid the lid on the whiskey.

"She didn't seem to think she did."

"She's a fucking liar."

"So drinking's going to solve this one, is it?"

He took a drink and enjoyed the way it burned as it went down, he wanted to drink her away, to use the whiskey to burn any feeling he had for her out of his body. He sniffed as a tear escaped his eye.

"No," he said, "I'm drinking to prepare myself."

"Prepare for what?"

"Kilgharrah said the only way to break the spell is to kill whoever it is that is controlling it."

"Merlin…"

He nodded, took another drink, "I can do. I can kill her. I have to kill her. I've done it before. I can do it again." He pretended not to notice how his hands shook as he raised the bottle to his lips.

"What if she didn't do it, Merlin?"

"She did. She's the only true High Priestess left in existence. It was her." Another drink. Another burning sensation. Was that the whiskey or was that his heart?

Lancelot yanked the bottle out of his grip and shot him a look, "You can't kill the girl you love, Merlin, it will destroy you."

He shook his head, "I don't love her." But his voice cracked on the last word and another tear escaped. Lancelot put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze, "Of course you don't." he said softly.


	32. Chapter 32

Morgana paced her flat, her body shaking with sobs; she wrapped her arms around herself. What the hell had just happened? Merlin had kicked her out. She couldn't breathe, she bent over, hands on knees and tried to calm down but it wasn't working. It hurt. Everything hurt. She screamed. She needed to get it together, she couldn't stay here. He wanted her gone so she'd be gone. But where would she go? The only place she wanted to be was with him. That made her start crying all over again.

She didn't do what he thought she did. She needed to find the person who did this, who destroyed this for her, she would hunt them down and then she would kill them. Could she kill them? Yes, she decided, they were evil. They must be, they were keeping Arthur from rising, keeping him where he was. This would be justice. She would kill them. She straightened up, wiped her face, she had a purpose. She would fix this. And she knew exactly who could help her figure it out. She went into her bedroom and pulled down a small suitcase and started packing, she still had some t-shirts she'd stolen from Merlin and she shoved them into the suitcase. She wanted to take some tiny piece of him with her. She gave her flat one last look over and then started the walk to the train station. She wished they could be going on the train together, wished they could figure this out together. But it was clear that wasn't going to happen, it was clear he didn't trust her enough and was too easily swayed by what that senile, old dragon said. That pissed her off, how could he one minute be defending her to the dragon and then the next be so quick to believe she would betray him? That was it, she didn't just want to kill whoever did this, she wanted to torture them, wanted to watch them hurt, she wanted to destroy them. Maybe there was a small part of her that wanted to hurt him too.

She was almost past his flat determined to just walk past and not be tempted to go back up there and convince him, make him believe her. She stopped at his corner debating whether to go back and see him just once more even if it meant she ended up on the floor again with his hand around her neck. At least he'd be touching her. No, she needed to figure this out and then present him with the evidence that she wasn't guilty. Oh fuck it. Before she could think about it even more, she raced up his steps, dropped her suitcase by the door and kicked open the door, just because she could. He and Lancelot were sitting on the couch, whiskey bottle dangling from Merlin's fingers. They both looked grave, like they had been discussing life and death before she barged in. They probably had been. Lancelot raised his brows at her. Merlin lifted his gaze to her. She strode to him, swiped the bottle out of his hand and took a sip, she dropped the bottle not caring where it landed as she pushed him back and straddled him, pressing her lips to his in a hurried kiss, she wanted to sneak it in before he reacted, before he pushed her away, before he decided to try to hurt her. She thought she felt him kiss her back just a little bit, hesitantly, like he didn't really want to. She pulled back the tiniest bit and whispered against his lips, "Bye, baby."

She moved away from him and walked out the door, slamming it behind her. She got to the train station, brought her ticket, got on the train and sat trying not to think about the last time she'd been on a train with Merlin. Would she ever be that close to him again? She didn't think so. It seemed it was time for them to go their separate ways. To distract herself she decided to think about all the things she was going to do to the person responsible for the damn magic holding Arthur where he was. She thought she might chain them up, strip them of their magic, maybe cut off a toe or two, a finger, burn their flesh, make them beg for mercy. It would be a mercy they would never receive. But then the quicker she killed them; the faster the magic would be severed. It was quite the decision. Though, she supposed she could kill them quickly and still inflict a sufficient amount of pain.

She watched the scenery pass her by but she couldn't enjoy it as much as she usually would, with each passing moment it was taking her further away from Merlin. The train finally came to a stop at the station and she exited, pulling her suitcase behind her. She made her way through the streets of the village, trying to remember the route she and Merlin had come. She walked up the path and stood in front of the door deciding whether or not to knock, it was the middle of the night after all, and did she really think he lived where he worked. He had before. She raised her fist and knocked loudly. She kept knocking until she saw a light go on and heard footsteps walking toward the door. The door pulled open and she raised her chin and said to the figure in the doorway, "Gaius, I need your help. It's about Merlin."

That eyebrow of his went up and he held the door open for her, she brushed past him and went into the reception area and started pacing. Gaius had to help her, he'd been able to figure almost everything out in Camelot, and he could help her with this.

"What is it Morgana?"

She raised her gaze to him and started to tell him the whole story about someone keeping Arthur trapped in Avalon, how Merlin thought it was her, about how she swore she didn't do it, she swore it again to Gaius and tried to convey her sincerity, and then she told him she needed his help figuring out who really did it. When she finished, she took a needed breath and looked at him.

He sighed and shook his head, looking at her with barely concealed suspicion, "I'm sorry, Morgana, I can't help you."

He meant that he wouldn't help her, not that he couldn't. She should have expected this; he didn't help her in Camelot, not when she really needed him to.

"Please, Gaius."

"I'm sorry, Morgana. You need to leave."

She nodded and went to the door he was holding open for her; "I'm going to check in at the motel down the road, if you change your mind."

She heard the door shut behind her. Well, she'd tried. She went back to the motel she'd passed earlier and asked for a room. She went to the room, it wasn't anything fancy but it also wasn't anything particularly disgusting. The bed at least looked comfortable. She got into it and plumped the pillows, she'd gotten used to sleeping using Merlin as her own personal pillow. That was probably a mistake; she'd never be able to sleep the same again. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and wished she had a photo of him, of them together on it. She scrolled through her meager contact list and her finger hovered above his name and then she pressed it and pressed the phone to her ear listening to it ring. She didn't think he'd answer. He did. He didn't say anything but she could hear him breathing. She closed her eyes and pressed the phone closer to her ear.

She wasn't sure when she fell asleep but she woke to an abrupt knocking on her motel door. She saw light coming through the curtains, it was morning, she'd slept longer than she thought she would. She stumbled to her feet and went to the door, she thought perhaps it was Gaius, hoped he had changed his mind. She pulled the door open but it wasn't Gaius leaning against the doorframe.

"Hello, lovely, a little birdie told me you might be in need of the services of a knight of Camelot."


	33. Chapter 33

She stared at the Knight standing in the doorway. She grappled in her mind for his name. He was the pretty one. The one she'd made fight for food, the one she'd had tortured to death. "Gwaine." She breathed.

"Nice to see you remember me. Though it must be tough to keep all those you killed straight in your head."

She held onto the door tightly, "You have your memories."

"Course I do."

"What are you doing here?" She asked, thinking maybe he was here to get the revenge he so rightly deserved. He smirked and pushed his way past her.

"Gaius said you've got yourself a slight pickle going on. Now, I don't care one iota what happens to you but Arthur and Merlin? Can't rightly see them getting into strife. Or anymore."

She crossed her arms over her chest, "Why would you help me?"

"Not helping you. I'm helping the best friend I ever had. You are just the method to doing that. I'm not entirely convinced you're not part of the problem, so I can kill two birds with the one stone and keep an eye on you at the same time."

Well, that made sense she supposed. "You've been with Gaius?"

"Yeah, it seems we've all just gravitated in this general direction, haven't we?"

"How do I know I can trust you?"

He chuckled and pointed a finger at her, "Pot," he turned his finger onto himself, "Kettle."

Fair enough. She nodded. She studied him, he didn't look any different, still as pretty and as charming as ever, "I didn't do it."

He raised his brows, "Why don't you tell me the sorry story."

She sighed but relayed it all again, everything Merlin had said, he listened intently, then whistled when she finished, "Well, you can see why Merlin would automatically point the finger at you."

She sighed, that was part of the problem, she could. Gwaine reclined back on her bed, looking just a little too comfortable, "So, Lady Morgana, what's your plan for all this?"

She looked at him and said nothing. He swore under his breath, "You've got no plan?"

"My plan was to ask Gaius for help."

"That was the extent of it?" He shook his head, got up off the bed and went to the door. She panicked. He may hate her and not trust her and only be here because Gaius asked him to keep an eye on her but he was the only one offering her even a crumb of help, she couldn't just let him leave, "Wait. You wouldn't know anything about summoning a dragon, would you?"

He turned back to her and looked at her in confusion, "Just that you need a dragon lord for that which we don't have. Unless you've got one in your pocket."

She shook her head sadly, "No, the only dragon lord I know isn't talking to me at the moment."

"Merlin? Well, that certainly explains a few things."

"The dragon's the one who told him about the magic keeping Arthur trapped so if we can talk to him maybe we can get a few more answers."

Gwaine nodded thoughtfully, "If the dragon knows who it is – if and this is a big if, it's not you – then we go find them and rid the world of them."

Slowly, she smiled at him, "That's the plan, yes. And it's not me."

"We'll see."

They would. She had no doubt Kilgharrah would stick to his cryptic, vague word games and place the blame firmly on her but she was determined to get more out of him. She looked out the window and sighed, "We can't go dragon hunting until it's dark, can't risk being seen."

"Right. I've got to go do a few things for Gaius but I'll meet you back here tonight, midnight work for you?"

She nodded and he leaned closer to her, "You may be immortal, Morgana but if I find out you really are behind all this, I will find a way to kill you. You tortured me, I'll return the favour and enjoy every second of it."

He gave her a mocking little bow before he left. Well, that was fair. She'd always been quite the believer in revenge, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth; she supposed Gwaine deserved his pound of flesh from her.

She sat back down on the bed. She never imagined she'd form a tentative alliance with Gwaine but there it was. She knew Gaius had sent him for no other reason but to watch her but if she could prove to him she wasn't responsible then he might just help her. Now, her and that damn dragon were going to have a confrontation, if only she knew how to summon him. She tried to remember the words and language Merlin had used but it was impossible. She eyed her phone sitting on the bed and before she could over think it, she found herself once again calling him. Again, he answered and didn't say anything.

"Tell me how to call Kilgharrah. Teach me the words to say," she demanded. She didn't think he'd say anything or just hang up on her. She heard him sigh, "Go to hell, Morgana."

"I'm already there." She replied and hung up on him. Not her finest moment. She didn't really think he'd just tell her, she wasn't even sure if it were possible for him to pass along his knowledge. But she'd needed to at least try and if she were completely honest with herself, she just wanted to hear his voice even if he were telling her to go to hell. Now, she had all day and nothing to do. She wasn't going to go back to the bookstore or record shop she'd visited with Merlin. That would just hurt too much. Maybe it was time to pay her brother a little visit. She grabbed her money and phone and made her way back to the train station, avoiding any place she'd been with Merlin. As she got on the train and found a seat, she thought about what Gwaine had said about them all gravitating to the area, she realized how true it was. For some reason, this century, they were all in the areas surrounding where Avalon was. They could all get back there with just a short train ride. That had to mean something, didn't it?

She got off the train at her stop and walked the short trek to the lake. The lake where her brother slumbered, hidden and safe. Though how safe was he really with someone holding him back from being able to be reunited with those he cared about? She sat on the edge of the lake, crossed her legs and stared out at the water, this, the lake was about the only thing that hadn't really changed in over a millennium, it remained the same as everything around it moved on and adjusted to new times.

She felt her phone go off in her pocket, she pulled out and saw she had a text from Sarah, she opened it and read it: _What the hell happened? Merlin's drinking and you're gone._

She put her phone back into her pocket, she wasn't going to reply to that one, how could she describe what had happened? She supposed she could say that she and Merlin broke up but that didn't really do what they had justice. She froze as she heard footsteps on the grass behind her. Someone stopped just behind her.

"Hello, sister." Said a voice from behind her. Slowly, she turned around and looked up at the figure behind her. There in all her blonde glory was Morgause, her sister. A feeling of pure elation filled her and she scrambled to her feet and threw herself into her sister's arms. This was Morgause, the one person who had truly loved and cared for her. She pulled back and smiled at her sister, feeling as if everything would now be all right.

Morgause smiled back at her, "I knew you'd find your way to me eventually, Morgana."

"You're alive."  
"Yes. There's much we must discuss. I know you've been alone and sought out the company of Merlin, emrys."

She shook her head, "He and I…"

Morgause cut her off, "Don't explain. I can guess, he's betrayed you once more."

Morgana nodded, "In a way."

Morgause cupped Morgana's cheek in her hand and smiled, "Don't worry, sister, we will finally have our revenge on all our enemies. The time is right. Now, that you are here we can finally put my plan into motion."

Morgana frowned, an unsettling feeling washing over her, "What do you mean?"

"I've been keeping Arthur from rising. But now we can bring him forth and kill him once and for all, Merlin can watch his precious king die, then we will kill him, he will pay for all the pain he has inflicted on you."

Oh God, it was Morgause. And she made it sound like she was doing all of this for Morgana; she always had a way of making Morgana feel as though everything she did was to benefit her. She wanted Merlin dead.

Morgana shook her head, "You can't kill Merlin, he's immortal, you'd need a sword burnished with a dragon's breath."

Morgause smiled, "Don't worry about that detail, sister, we will take Arthur's sword off him, Merlin did send Arthur off with his sword with him. This is the perfect plan, Morgana."

Morgana forced a smile. It really was the perfect plan, a little too perfect. If Morgause continued both Arthur and Merlin would be dead. She needed to stop her but could she really betray her sister? She realized the choice was between Morgause and Merlin. Either way, she was going to lose. For now, though, she needed to play along with Morgause and pretend she was fully on board with this plan.

She smirked, "I don't want Merlin dead. Not immediately, at least, I want to torture him a little. Make him pay for all the things he's done to me."


	34. Chapter 34

Gwaine knocked on Morgana's motel room at exactly midnight. He was punctual; she'd give him that. She'd spent all afternoon trying to decide whether she should tell him about Morgause but then decided against it; she figured he'd just think she'd been in on it from the very beginning. Her first instinct had been to call Merlin. But he wouldn't believe her. So, she'd forbidden herself from reaching for her phone. She'd practically been sitting on her hands while she'd waited for Gwaine to show up. She pulled the door open he nodded at her, "Let's go, Princess."

She followed him to the parking lot where he stopped in front of a car. It was a pretty nice car but cars didn't really impress her that much. He caught her looking at it and smirked, "Nice, huh?"

She shrugged, "It's a car."

"This," he said over the roof of the car, "Is not just a car, this is a thing of ornate beauty."

She rolled her eyes and got into the car, settling into the leather seats, at least they were comfortable, "We could have just walked."

"You want to go to the middle of nowhere to find a dragon, fine. But we're driving."

He turned on the engine and the stereo came on blasting a Bruce Springsteen song. Oh dear god. She was really wishing for a nice midnight stroll. He put the car into gear and took off so fast she had to put her hand out to grasp the dashboard. This was it; this was how he was going to get his revenge. Death by car. She glared at him and he smirked as changed gears, "Relax. I won't crash and if I do you'll be fine, you're immortal, right?"

She just continued to glare at him. "I tried calling Merlin to ask him how to summon Kilgharrah." She didn't know why she was telling him that but it was better than blurting out the information about Morgause.

"How did that go?"

"About how you'd expect, he told me to go to hell."

He chuckled, "Good for him."

They stayed in silence for the rest of the trip and she stared out the window. He came to an abrupt stop in the middle of nowhere, fields everywhere; she braced herself on the dashboard and door handle so she wouldn't go flying. She opened the door and hurried out of the car, she wasn't so sure she wanted to get back into that thing. Gwaine rested his arms on the car roof and raised his brows at her, "Middle of nowhere. Now what?"

She shrugged, "Now, we try to get that damn dragon to come."

She walked to a small fence separating a field from the road, climbed over it and walked into the sprawling landscape. She heard Gwaine's footsteps behind her and vaguely remembered something someone told her about never turning your back on your enemy. She shook the thought off and come to a stop in the middle of the field. She sucked all the air into her lungs that she could and then released them in an air-piercing scream as she screamed Kilgharrah's name. She saw Gwaine covering his ears with his hands out of the corner of her eye. She stopped screaming and stared up at the sky.

"That's your grand plan? Just scream up at the sky?"

"Yeah. Have you got a better one?"

"Not really. Go on, then, scream away."

She screamed again. And again. And again. She added a few curses into the mix along with Kilgharrah's name. Then, just when she was going to give up she decided to scream Merlin's name and see if that had any effect.

The last syllable of Merlin's name had just left her lips when she heard the telltale signs of a dragon's wings flapping and getting closer. Both her and Gwaine took a step back as an angry Kilgharrah landed before them. He glared at Morgana – or as much as a dragon could glare – "Witch! How dare you summon me!"

"We need to talk." She stated trying to hide the fear she felt at being before him without Merlin to order him into complacency.

"You and I have nothing to talk about," he made a move as if to fly off again but she stepped forward.

"You owe me! You made Merlin believe I betrayed him. I haven't"

Kilgharrah settled back on his haunches and laughed, "You haven't yet but you will. And at the same time you already have and don't even know it."

She felt Gwaine watching intently, felt him inch closer, "Stop talking in riddles!"

"Once again you are a vessel. The one you call your sister is not immortal and yet she is. She is powerful but she does not contain the power the maintain spell like this one."

Morgana knew it was Morgause but Kilgharrah was still talking in cryptic circles. "What do you mean? Talk plainly. Spell it out for us." Gwaine spoke up when he saw Morgana was still trying to process what he was talking about.

Kilgharrah turned his gaze onto Gwaine, "Knight! You've aligned yourself with the witch, that will not end well for you."

"Let me worry about myself. Explain."

"The Lady Morgana is being used as a vessel for the spell. Or rather Morgause is using their familial bond to access Morgana's power and use it herself."

Morgana took a step back. It wasn't true. But it made so much sense. Feeling unsteady she sat down on the cold, wet grass. Gwaine looked down at her then back at Kilgharrah as Kilgharrah continued to speak.

"This is not the first time this has happened. Merlin had to poison the witch to stop Camelot from falling."

Merlin poisoning her, it was because of Morgause, it was because she'd used her. She shook her head. It couldn't be.

"You said Morgause isn't immortal yet she is, what does that mean?" Gwaine demanded. Morgana was suddenly grateful he was there, she seemed to be losing focus, and losing ability to function as all this new information changed the things she'd always believed to be true.

"As she accesses Morgana's power, she also accesses her immortality and takes it on herself as Morgana's immortality is linked to her magic, as is Merlin's."

Merlin. That brought her back to herself for a moment and she looked up at Kilgharrah, "How do we stop it?"

"The vessel has to die."

"Me."

"Yes, witch, you. If you die, the spell will be broken, Arthur will finally rise and Morgause will die as she was never meant to live this long, she should have died long ago."

"But I'm immortal."

"That," Kilgharrah said as he started to prepare to fly away, "is a problem you will have to figure out for yourself."

She stared after him as he flew away, the sound of his flapping wings getting further and further away until she could no longer hear them.

"Right then," Gwaine said as he put his hands under her arms and hauled her up, "Up you go."

He started to walk back to the car but she stood rooted to the spot, "It is because of me." She stated.

He stopped and turned back to her, "Yeah. You really didn't know?"

She shook her head, feeling light headed and disorientated and just wrong, "No. I didn't know."

He looked at her and for just a moment something in his eyes softened just the tiniest bit, then he turned and walked to the car leaving her to follow. He offered her his hand to help her climb back over the fence. She got into the car and tried to think of a solution to this problem. One thing was clear: she had to die or Merlin would. She turned to Gwaine just as he was putting the key into the ignition, "What if we could find a way to turn me mortal?"

His brows flew up, surprised wasn't even the right word to describe the expression on Gwaine's face, "And why would you do that?"

"To break the spell. If I die it will be broken. But to die I'd have to be mortal."

She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world and to here it was. But he was still eying her with suspicion.

"Why, Morgana, would you be willing to do that?"

She shrugged and leveled him with a determined look, "I can't let Merlin get killed."

Gwaine smirked, "Aww, have you developed warm and fuzzy feelings for our resident warlock?" he joked, clearly finding himself hilarious.

She blinked and looked away. She heard him swear under his breath, he grabbed her chin in his hand and turned her back to face him, "Morgana," he said slowly like he couldn't believe what he was about to say, "Are you in love with Merlin?"

She didn't say anything, just gave him the tiniest smallest nod. He dropped his hand from her chin, "Well. Shit."


	35. Chapter 35

Morgana followed slowly behind Gwaine as he strode into Gaius's office just after one in the morning, she wondered how Gaius felt about getting visitors at this time of morning. But he was sitting in the reception area already; she guessed perhaps Gwaine had let him know they'd be coming. Gwaine stopped in the middle of the room and ran a hand through his hair. "We have to help her now, Gaius. She's on a bloody suicide mission."

Gaius looked from Gwaine to Morgana, who was lingering in the doorway, "What?"

"She's fucking in love with Merlin. She's going to sacrifice herself to save him. Don't think she cares about Arthur or any of us but she wants to keep him alive. Did I mention she's in love with him?"

Gaius sighed, "Yes, Gwaine, you mentioned that but how do you know it's true?"

Once again Gaius was ignoring her and talking about her like she wasn't even there. Gwaine looked over his shoulder at her like she was a mystery that desperately needed solving, "Because she wants us to find a way to make her mortal so she can fall on the proverbial sword for Merlin."

Gaius sighed and eyed her warily, it was clear he didn't believe Morgana had it in her to sacrifice herself for another, "Gwaine you'd better tell me everything."

Morgana resisted the urge to roll her eyes as Gwaine and Gaius sat while Gwaine retold their little adventure with the dragon almost word for word and then told Gaius Morgana's reaction to it. It was a little unnerving to hear how closely Gwaine had observed her.

"If nothing else, Gaius, she seems to have become loyal to Merlin." Gwaine finished his tale with a look at her, like he wanted her to say something, she just shrugged.

Gaius sat back in his chair and eyed Morgana, "You want to find a way to become mortal?"

She nodded, "Yes."

"It's difficult to change ones state. What Morgause has done in channeling your power and using it make herself immortal so long as she is linked to you is much easier."

Gwaine clicked his fingers as if he'd just had a brilliant plan, "What if we could make her mortal for a small window of time?"

"What?" She asked, not knowing if that would even be possible.

Gwaine nodded, "What if we could find a way for her to become mortal long enough to die, killing Morgause and lifting the spell with her and then turn her back to her original state of immortality."

Both Morgana and Gaius stared at Gwaine and he shrugged and smiled. Then Gaius nodded slowly, "We might be able to do that but we would more than likely only have a small window of time to get her back to her previous immortality."

Morgana nodded, feeling a small amount of hope, "But it could be done?"

"Possibly, but you would need to make sure Morgause was none the wiser, meet up with her, let her think you are on her side. Can you do that, Morgana?"

She thought about it for a split second, if she committed to this plan she would be betraying her sister but then hadn't Morgause betrayed her first? First by using her as the vessel for the spell and causing Merlin to poison her, then again with this spell. She needed to decide if she could live with that betrayal. She thought she could. It came down to whom she'd rather lose. Both Gwaine and Gaius were watching her carefully, she nodded, "Yes, I can do that. But I may need to do some things in order to keep her convinced."

"Of course." Gaius said with still a hint of suspicion. She decided that was probably her time to leave and Gwaine followed her out.

"You sure you can do this, Morgana? You're not going to decide you'd rather wreck havoc with your sister?"

"I can do it. I will do it. I'd do anything for Merlin."

He narrowed his eyes and studied her for a moment, "Yeah, I think you would."

She walked back to her motel in the cool night air and enjoyed the solitude the little deserted village allowed her at this time of night. She looked up at the sky, at the stars and wondered what Merlin was doing. She walked to the park and sat down on one of the swings, she pulled her phone and went into her contacts and stared at his number. If she called him, he wouldn't answer or he'd hung up on her or tell her to go to hell. She scrolled through her contacts and found the name she wanted, if she couldn't talk to Merlin, she'd talk to the next best person. She pressed 'call'.

"Hey, Mum," Sarah said as she answered the phone, "Can you hold a minute?"

There was some shuffling and a door closing, "Morgana."

"What was that about?" She asked slightly amused.

"I'm at Merlin's place and your name is sacrilegious at the moment. Forbidden."

"Right. How is he?"

"Not great. Drinking. A lot. Lancelot and I are trying to keep him from slipping too much. I caught him sitting in the bathtub the other day with a knife. He was just staring at it."

Shit. "He didn't?"

"No. What happened Morgana?"

She shook her head, she needed to tell Sarah something but it wasn't like she could explain or really tell her the truth, "We had a fight. We broke up."

"Maybe you can work it out."

"I don't think so. He hates me right now."

"You can only really hate someone if you once really loved them."

Morgana smiled, "That's very insightful and wise and probably true but it doesn't make much difference now."

"He's miserable, Morgana."

So was she. But she was working out a way to make it right. She doubted they'd ever be together again but she could live with that as long as he just lived. She heard Sarah sigh when she didn't answer.

"Where are you, Morgana? Lancelot and I are worried."

She doubted Lancelot was worried about her but it was a nice thought. "I'm in this sweet little village. At the moment I'm sitting in a playground on a swing."

"Can I come see you? I have something for you."

Morgana smiled, "Yeah, I'll text you the address of the motel I'm staying at. Now, tell me about you and Lancelot, I need something happy right now."

She sat, her head pressed against the chain of the swing and phone pressed against her ear listening as Sarah gushed about her date with Lancelot, about what a nice guy he was and how chivalrous he was, holding doors for her and pulling out her chair. Morgana smiled at thought of Sarah thinking it was such a rarity for a man to be chivalrous when Lancelot came from a time when it was a basic requirement, at least for knights. It was ridiculously late by the time she got back to her motel room and she fell asleep faster than usual hoping for a long sleep with no interruptions. But her wishes had a way of never coming true. She was awoken a few hours later by someone knocking on the door. She groaned, rolled out of bed and went to the door ready to tell Gwaine to bugger off but when she opened the door, Sarah was grinning back at her. Sarah shrugged and held out a coffee cup for her, "You said I could visit."

Morgana smiled and held the door wider allowing Sarah entrance to the room, Sarah came in carrying a large box, she sat on the bed and put the box in front of her. Morgana took a sip from her cup, hot chocolate, her favourite.

"What's with the box?"

Sarah bit her lip and opened the flap of the box, "It's your stuff, from Merlin's, he wanted me to get rid of it. Actually, he wanted me to burn it but I couldn't do that so I thought you might want it back."

"Oh," Well, this was very much a ritual of this time, giving back possessions at the end of a relationship, she just never thought they'd do it. She peered into the box, she saw something in there wrapped in gift wrap, she pulled it out, "What's this?"

Sarah shrugged, "I don't know, when I asked Merlin, he just said it was something he got for you."

He'd gotten her a present. A present he'd never given her. And he'd wrapped it. She felt her eyes become watery but she blinked it away. She ran her hands over the gift; he'd taken the time to wrap it so nicely that she didn't want to ruin it. She picked at the tape in one corner and peeled it back and made it so she had an opening, she pulled out what felt like a book. She sucked in a breath; it was the copy of Romeo and Juliet that they'd looked at in the bookstore. He'd bought it for her. She opened the cover and there in his slightly scratching handwriting was an inscription: "We won't end like them. We just won't end. We're going to be epic."

He'd listened to what she'd said and given her something better than a love letter. She couldn't stop the tears from coming now and the flowed like they would never stop. Sarah whispered her name and pulled her into her and wrapped her arms around Morgana and held her as she cried.


	36. Chapter 36

_Note: This is a little bit of a filler chapter, I kind of wanted to check in a little with Merlin and see what's going on in his head since Morgana is driving most of the story at the moment. Also, there is a tiny bit of Lancelot and Morgana conspiring against Merlin for five seconds so that she can see him and that is just a whole lot of fun._

"We need to find out what Morgana is doing." Merlin said as he paced in front of the couch that Lancelot was sitting on. He was feeling jittery; he thought maybe he had finally drunk enough to feel the effects of the alcohol. It had nothing to do with missing Morgana. "We need to find a way to figure out what her plan is."

"Merlin," Lancelot said patiently, "Perhaps what you need to do is stop drinking. Maybe get some sleep."

"No. No. We can't be complacent, not when Morgana is out doing who knows what, she's fooled me this long, she won't fool me any longer."

"Merlin, did you ever consider that maybe she wasn't fooling you? Maybe she did genuinely care for you?"

Merlin stopped in front of Lancelot and looked at him, "Do you honestly thing that she's not responsible for stopping Arthur from rising?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. But that doesn't mean she had no feelings for you."

Merlin shook his head; he couldn't start thinking like that, not even a little bit. If her creep in even a little bit, he wouldn't be able to do what needed to be done, "No, she's a liar. A master manipulator. She caught me in a moment of weakness but not anymore."

"Merlin, I saw her. She was devastated. And the way she kissed you before she left, you don't kiss a person you hate like that."

There was no disputing she was an incredible actress. You could win an academy award for her performances. He didn't say anything. So, Lancelot continued talking, "She's been calling you, maybe you should just talk to her."

"I have nothing to say to her." That wasn't true, he had plenty to say, and just nothing that was kind or productive.

Lancelot sighed, "She called Sarah. That's who Sarah was talking to when she went into the bathroom."

"That was Sarah's mum."

"No, it wasn't. She wanted to know how you were. Sarah went to see her today. She said Morgana cried all over her. Because of you."

Panic rose in Merlin, "You let Sarah go see her? It's not safe."

"She won't hurt Sarah."

"You don't know that. We need to see Kilgharrah. We need to find a sword and get him to burnish it."

Merlin's phone was buzzing in his pocket, he pulled it out and looked at the screen, he was tempted to throw it at the wall when he saw Morgana's name but instead he pressed the button and put the phone to his ear. He was a sucker for punishment; he couldn't resist that little bit of connection.

"Merlin?" Her breathing hitched and he could tell from her voice that she'd been crying. He closed his eyes and bit his lip to stop himself from saying something. He didn't want to offer her any comfort. He heard a sniffle, "Still not going to talk to me?"

No, he wasn't. He curled his hand into a fist and dug his blunt nails into his palm. He was acutely aware of Lancelot watching him. He heard Morgana sigh, "Fine. Is Lancelot there? I'd like to speak to him."

He thought about hanging up on her but then thought whatever she was going to tell Lancelot could be important so he held the phone out to Lancelot and said, "She wants to talk to you."

Lancelot took the phone and stepped away from him. He couldn't hear her voice through the phone anymore and he felt both glad and irritated by that. Lancelot nodded and flicked his gaze to Merlin, "I understand."

He watched as Lancelot disconnected the call and passed the phone back to him. He raised his brows and asked, "What did she want, Lancelot?"

"She just wanted to reassure me that Sarah was fine."

"Right." He didn't know if he completely believed that but before he could question it anymore, Lancelot continued talking.

"You know, maybe your right, we should go see the dragon, I'd like to meet him. I'd also like to see the area Gaius lives in, you said there was a field you've summoned the dragon to before near there."

He nodded, distracted by thoughts of asking Kilgharrah for more information, for help forging a weapon to kill Morgana to really question Lancelot's sudden interest in going to see the area Gaius lived in or the fact he asked it after speaking to Morgana.

"Yeah we should."

"Ok, well, let's go then," Lancelot said as he ushered him to the door, "I'll drive."

"Right now?"

"Yes, no time like the present."

As Merlin got into Lancelot's car and gave him directions, he thought about all the things he'd ask Kilgharrah. Things like how long had Morgana being holding the spell? Was it the entire time they'd been immortal? Or did it start once they became whatever the hell they were? Did she lull him into a false sense of security in order to better betray him? Was she working alone or did she have help? He realized that all of his questions were directly linked to Morgana. Even when he wanted him out of his life, she was still there haunting him and his every move. He needed to find a way to exorcise her from his mind and heart; he needed to find a way to forget her. Maybe once he killed her he could find a spell to wipe his memory of all traces of her.

They arrived in Gaius's quaint little village and he directed Lancelot towards the field he and Morgana had used to summon Kilgharrah. They parked on the road and walked through the field. He froze when he got closer and saw Kilgharrah already there talking to someone. Morgana.

Merlin turned to Lancelot, "You knew she'd be here," he accused. Lancelot shrugged, that must have been what she'd told him on the phone. He watched as she said something quietly to Kilgharrah who nodded, then she turned to them and closed the gap between them, he grabbed her by the arm and stopped her from brushing past him, he studied her face, "You've been crying."

She looked up at him, "Didn't think you cared."

"I don't." He said, he'd meant it to come out harshly; instead it come out soft and almost gentle and he cursed himself for it. Then he cursed her. Then Lancelot, who was supposed to be on his side. They stared at each other for a moment too long and she looked down at his hand on her arm and he knew he should let go but he just couldn't.

Lancelot cleared his throat somewhere behind him and asked, "How exactly did you summon the dragon, Morgana, I thought they answered only to a dragon lord?"

Merlin watched as Morgana smirked, "I don't know if Merlin's told you this about me, but I'm a bit a screamer."

He heard Lancelot chuckle and felt his own cheeks go warm, Morgana shook his hand off her arm, she raised up on her tiptoes and he felt her lips brush his ear, "Thank you for the book, Merlin."

She moved away from him and walked away from the field and it wasn't before she was out of sight that he realized what book she meant. Damn Sarah.

Lancelot clapped him on the shoulder to get him moving toward Kilgharrah, "No, you're right, Merlin, that didn't look at all like you're in love with her."

"Shut up." He said like a petulant child.


	37. Chapter 37

_Note: I feel as though I've made Gaius slightly harsher than he really was but it just kind of worked._

Morgana sat on the examination table in Gaius's office and swung her legs. Gaius was mixing some concoction up working from a book she was sure was as old as she. Gwaine was sitting on a chair but kept getting up and pacing around every five minutes until Gaius told him to sit down. Gaius thought he had the formulation right for the potion that was supposed to make her mortal for a brief moment in time. Which brought up a new question that she felt compelled to ask, "How exactly are we going to know if this potion works?"

Gaius froze in his work and they both stared at her. Apparently, she was the only one who had thought about or pondered this question. After a moment Gwaine shrugged, "You can test it on me."

"You're not immortal." She pointed out.

Gaius sighed, "Actually, he is."

What now? She gaped at Gwaine who grinned and shrugged; she shook her head and said, "But how? You're not magical."

"Wouldn't you like to know?" She shot him a look and he sighed, "Fine, I'll have you know that I fought for my immortality unlike some of us."

"He drank from the cup of life," Gaius said dryly.

She raised her brows, "The cup of life? I thought that was lost. How did you get access to it?"

"Well, there was an epic battle and a beautiful nymph."

Gaius shook his head, "He got into a bar fight, went to the edge of death, beyond repair really but I thought he might be needed when Arthur rises."

Shocked she turned her gaze on Gaius while Gwaine muttered something about Gaius taking the fun out of telling a tale.

" _You_ have the cup?" She asked incredulous.

"I have access to the cup, yes," Gaius corrected, "We all have our secrets, Morgana."

Apparently. She couldn't wait to tell Merlin about this. Then she realized she couldn't. Gwaine leaned toward her, "But I can tell you I'm not the only immortal Knight of Camelot wandering this earth."

"Gwaine," Gaius chastised with a raise of that fearsome brow.

"Leon." Gwaine mouthed to her when Gaius turned his back. She couldn't suppress her smile.

"So, we can test it on Gwaine then?"

Gaius nodded and handed Gwaine a vial, Morgana frowned, "Wait. Now? Here? It's the middle of the day, you've got patients."

Gwaine eyed the potion and exchanged a look with Gaius before he shrugged and downed the potion in one go. Morgana jumped up out of her seat and both her and Gaius watched Gwaine carefully, "How do you feel?" She asked cautiously.

Gwaine shrugged, "I don't feel any different."

"Well, now what?"

They all looked at one another before Gwaine leaned over, picked up an ornate looking letter opener off Gaius's desk and pushed it into Morgana's hand, "Now you kill me."

"Me? Why me?" She asked and he gave her a look. Ok, so she'd obviously killed him in the past but she wasn't sure she wanted to be responsible for his death twice.

"Oh, honestly," Gaius grabbed the letter opener off her and unceremoniously shoved it into Gwaine's chest.

Morgana gaped at the wound as Gwaine crumbled to the floor struggling for breath and then looked at Gaius wide eyed. Bloody hell. She'd never be able to look at Gaius the same way again.

They both knelt down beside Gwaine as his breathing got more and more shallow and then his chest stopped moving. Morgana watched as Gaius took his stethoscope and pressed it against Gwaine's chest and listened. He looked up at her, his expression surprised, "He's dead. It worked."

"So, now give him the antidote?"

Gaius nodded, "And hope for the best," he took the second vial and brought it to Gwaine's lips and poured it into his mouth and forced his throat to swallow.

"Now what?"

"Now, Morgana, we wait and see if he wakes up."

They sat and waited. And waited. Gaius did some paperwork at his desk and Morgana attempted to read a magazine before moving on to scrolling through her phone wishing she could send Merlin a text. She was starting to think that it hadn't completely worked when they got to the twentieth minute of waiting. But then Gwaine suddenly gasped and came flying up into a sitting position, he took a few deep breaths in and then turned to her and smirked, "It worked."

She smiled back and wondered if she should feel a sense of triumph for the fact they had found a way to essentially kill her. She would be putting a lot of trust in Gwaine, if he didn't give her the anecdote, then she would remain dead. It would be the perfect way for him to get his revenge on her. As they were all smiling at each other, she received a text on her phone. She held up her phone, "It's from Morgause. She wants to meet. This afternoon."

"Then," Gaius said, "You should meet her, see what she wants. Take Gwaine with you."

"She might get suspicious if I turn up with a Knight of Camelot." She protested. She knew Gaius suggesting Gwaine go with her had more to do with him wanting someone keeping an eye on her, making sure she didn't betray them than anything else.

"You are a high priestess, Morgana, tell her you tortured him into submission, that you made him yield and pledge his allegiance to you. You've always been a convincing liar. Make it work."

She nodded and looked to Gwaine who shrugged, still rubbing his chest, he opened the door and held it open for her. She sighed; she guessed she was being escorted to Avalon. She followed him out to the reception area and smiled at Gwen as she went past. She wanted to befriend Gwen but she wanted to keep her safe and away from all the drama that was going on so the best she could offer her was a smile.

"Looks like you're my babysitter for the afternoon," Morgana said as she got into Gwaine's car and he started the engine and was taking off before she even had her seatbelt off.

"He doesn't trust you. Neither do I, for that matter. Can you blame us."?

"I've made it clear I won't betray you."

"No, you've made it clear you won't betray Merlin."

She didn't say anything. It wasn't as if it wasn't true, her main concern was keeping Merlin alive. She clutched the dashboard as Gwaine shifted up to a higher gear.

"You drive like a maniac."

"No, I drive like I have nothing to lose."

"Everyone has something to lose. Even us." She said and reached forward to turn the radio on. He took a hand off the steering wheel to slap her hand away.

"No one touches the radio but me. I can't have Adele or Katy Perry or Taylor Swift being played in my baby."

"Your baby? It's a piece of metal."

He glared at her and stroked the steering wheel, "Shhhh, don't listen to her."

"Are you talking to your car?"

"Hey, you talk to dragons and I talk to cars. Each to their own. What do you think Morgause wants?"

She shrugged, "Just to check in, to make sure I'm on board with the plan. I just can't believe she'd use me like that. Twice. I thought she loved me."

"Even those who love us are capable of doing terrible things to us to achieve their own goals."

She smiled and relaxed back in her seat, she was starting to get used to his driving. She still preferred trains but the combination of the car and Gwaine's driving got them there a lot faster than the train. She could see Morgause standing staring out at the lake as they pulled up. She prepared herself to lie to her sister. She got out of the car and walked to Morgause who turned and smiled at her. She forced a smile back and embraced her quickly. She felt the moment Morgause saw Gwaine.

"You've brought company."

"Yes. He's my Knight. He is extremely loyal to me. Merlin and Arthur have betrayed him in the past as well. We can trust him."

"We'll see. I'm glad you're well. I am almost ready for us to move onto the next phase of our plan."

Our plan. It wasn't their plan. She smiled anyway, "Morgause, tell me how this magic you're using works. How is it that you are immortal?"

Morgause shook her head and grasped Morgana's hands, "I am able to access some magic from someone very powerful, you don't need to worry about that, I've connected myself to this person."

Morgana nodded and then she decided to ask the question she knew the answer to, she needed to test Morgause, "Why did Merlin poison me in Camelot?"

"You know why, Morgana, he was already plotting against you even then. Why do you ask about that?"

She shook her head, "I had a dream about it."

Morgause clasped her hands tighter, "Think no more of it, soon we will make him pay for it."

Morgana nodded, "I must go. I can't be away too long."

Morgause smiled and nodded, let go and turned back to the lake, "I will see you soon, sister."

Morgana hurried back to the car and met Gwaine's eye over the roof, Morgause had lied to her. Again. Still and she wondered if anything she had told her had been the truth. Morgana got into the car and Gwaine got in silently starting the engine. It wasn't until they were halfway back to the village when Gwaine spoke, "Do you think you can honestly do this, Morgana, can you end your sister's life?"

She hadn't been sure before but now, after this encounter she realized perhaps Morgause had been just another person manipulating her to her will. She nodded, "Yes."


	38. Chapter 38

_Note: Just a very short chapter from Merlin's point of view :)_

Merlin lay in bed, shifting, trying and failing to get comfortable. He silently cursed Morgana. She'd made it so that it was difficult for him to be able to sleep alone. For the better part of a millennium he'd slept just fine, then she wormed her way into his life and suddenly he couldn't sleep without the warmth her beside him. He used to like to spread out and take up the whole bed but now, even alone he stayed on what had become 'his' side of the bed. How had he allowed her to get so ingrained into his life? She was betraying him, that whole time and he shouldn't miss her. Yet, he did. He'd tried to drink her away but when you're immortal and your tolerance to alcohol is extremely high, well it made it difficult.

And what the hell was she doing having little visits in fields with Kilgharrah. Why was Kilgharrah even talking to her? He knew for a fact that the dragon hated her. But she'd looked amazing as she'd stood there and told Lancelot that she was a screamer.

She'd been calling him and though he didn't say anything when she called, he couldn't bear to hear her voice, to hear her pretend like she missed him, like it had meant something to her, like she was as hurt as he was. So, he'd stopped picking up when he saw her name on his screen. And now she was leaving voice mails. Some only a word, his name, some were lengthy long passages. He'd listened to every one. When he was alone and no one would know, then he'd saved them to his phone so he could listen to them again.

The first one she left was her telling him that she was so sorry and that it wasn't her who was keeping the spell going. The second she read to him from Romeo and Juliet, the speech about Juliet's only love being sprung from her only hate. It was completely fitting. The third one was her telling him about a CD she was making. The fourth, she was crying, she'd woken up from a dream and just wanted him. That was what she said. She just wanted him. The fifth, she said she was one the swings in the park and did he remember when they'd been at the park together? The sixth was her telling him about the concert she'd followed him to in the 80s, how she'd watched him from a far as he tried to pretend to be having fun.

She told him when she and Arthur were children in Camelot about how she would beat him in sword fights. How she wanted to be a knight but was told she couldn't because she was a lady and was then forced to learn how to sew. Uther had told her that her job was to look pretty. She told him about how she'd once sought Uther out, in the 1990s only to discover he was married and had two children. He was happy and as she followed him around and learned more about him, discovered that in that life he was a kind and generous parent and why couldn't he have been like that with her? Why hadn't she been good enough for him?

He had a new voicemail from her and thought maybe he should just delete it and be done, sever ties with her. But he just couldn't. He pressed the phone to his ear and closed his eyes and listened to her voice, "I had a dream again," he could hear the tears in her voice, "It wasn't the same one…the one where I kill you. It was different this time. Someone else kills you and I was powerless to stop it. I wasn't in time."

He pulled the phone away from his ear; even now he couldn't listen to her cry.


	39. Chapter 39

"The landscape of your dream has changed, then?" Gaius asked as she once again sat perched on his examination table with Gwaine pacing in the background. This was becoming a habit. They'd become a somewhat tentative team. She nodded and once again relayed her latest dream to them. She felt like she'd been repeating the same thing all morning.

"In my dream, I saw Morgause slit Arthur's throat then kill Merlin." This dream had been particularly vivid. And bloody. She'd woken up screaming Merlin's name.

Gwaine peered at her over Gaius's shoulder, "So, you're no longer the one slicing and dicing our favourite warlock? This is good, right?"

Gaius shook his head, "No. Because apparently our plan also fails or we are too late. All that's happened is that Morgana is no longer the one doing the killing."

"But the killing still happens." She finished.

They both looked at her their expressions grim. She felt pretty damn grim herself. If things carried on they way they were going, she was going to watch Merlin die no matter what she did. Gaius went to his bookshelf and started flipping through a volume; she somehow didn't think they were going to get the answer for this one in a book. Gwaine resumed his incessant pacing. Then he stopped, a grin on his face, he clicked his finger and both she and Gaius focused their attention on him. He walked over to her, "You're immortal. "

"Yes."

"Arthur's your brother," he said again stating the obvious. She was hoping he'd hurry up and get to the point soon.

"Yes, Arthur's my brother."

"He's also dead but not really dead."

"I guess."

"Gwaine, where on earth are you going with this?"

"What if we made Arthur immortal?"

Morgana and Gaius both stared at Gwaine. He continued grinning at them and nodded getting into his idea, "Obviously we can't make him drink from the cup of life since he's in the bottom of a lake."

"And we can't raise him." She pointed out starting to kind of, sort of, maybe see where he was going with this.

"Right. But we could do the tricky little magic Morgause has done and link him to you."

She nodded, while Gaius continued to look thoughtful, "But we wouldn't know if it worked until Morgause allowed him to rise so we'd still have to continue with the original plan." She said.

"True but this could be kind of insurance, if Morgause gets a sharp, shiny object near him before you can kill yourself to save your love then at least if we succeed in making him immortal then he'd be fine."

She smiled at Gwaine's almost poetic explanation but then felt the need to point out the obvious flaw, "But if we connect Arthur to me and Morgause does stab him or something, as soon as I turn mortal he will die along with Morgause and I."

Gwaine deflated at that, "Well, shit, there goes that plan, then."

"Maybe not," Gaius spoke up and they both looked at him, "If we connected him to Morgana then yes he would die. Also, if Morgana does the spell, we run the risk of Morgause finding out. So, perhaps Morgana should not be the one to do the spell."

Gwaine smiled as though he was just hit with an epiphany, "Who else do we know with an immense amount of magical power?"

Gauis nodded and smiled, "Merlin. His destiny is already intertwined with Arthur's. They are the two sides of the same coin, there is a spiritual connection there already."

"So," She said, "We somehow convince Merlin to link Arthur to his immortality."

It could work. She frowned, "But how are we going to convince him? He won't listen to me and if he sees Gwaine anywhere near me he'll assume Gwaine is under my control."

"We won't convince him." Gwaine stated with a certain amount of certainty, "We'll plant the seed of the idea. We'll make him think it's his idea."

She grinned, "That actually absolutely bloody brilliant. Just one thing how do we know a spell exists to link them, I mean, Morgause is using our blood relationship."

Gaius leveled her with a look, "Merlin is the most powerful warlock ever to walk this earth, and he'll figure it out. He usually does."

She grinned, thinking that she was going to get to see Merlin again even he would more than likely be glaring at her. That didn't matter. Then her face fell, "How are we going to get him in the same room as us? He won't even answer my calls. I've been leaving him voice mails, which I'm sure he never listens to."

"You've been leaving him voice mails," Gwaine asked with a disbelieving look, "Bloody hell you are smitten. Couldn't you have fallen in love with him in Camelot? Would've saved a lot of heartache and bloodshed."

Gaius rolled his eyes, "Give me his number. I'll call him."

She recited Merlin's number to Gaius, a number that she knew off by heart, she watched as Gaius dialed and waited. Gaius held a finger up to his mouth to tell them to be quite then put the phone on speaker and set it down on the desk. She was a little jealous that Merlin picked up after a mere three rings.

"Hello?" Hearing his voice without any of the distrust he used when he spoke to her now made her chest hurt.

"Merlin? It's Gaius."

"Gaius," she could hear a genuine smile in his voice, "How are you?"

"I'm fine. How are you, Merlin?"

She heard Merlin sigh, "I've been better. Gaius….I can't believe I'm going to ask this but Morgana is staying somewhere near your village. Have you seen her?"

Gwaine gave her a little nudge and a little smile as Gaius answered, "She has been here to talk to Gwen a few times."

Another sigh from Merlin, "Is she ok? I just...did she look ok?"

Gaius's gaze flicked up to her, "Yes, Merlin, she looked ok."

There was a pause and Morgana could picture Merlin shaking his head and internally berating himself for asking about her, "I'm sorry Gaius, did you want something?"

"Yes, I was wondering if you were free this evening?"

"Gaius, I'm free pretty much every evening."

"Well, in this, why don't I come to you, we can get a drink, do you have a pub you like to frequent?"

"Yes, there's a pub down the road."

She tuned out a little as Merlin gave Gaius directions to the pub, she was thinking about what she would say to him when she saw him, thinking about what she would wear.

"Marvelous, I'll see you tonight, Merlin." Gaius hung up the phone and grinned at them, "Looks like you two are having a night out."


	40. Chapter 40

Morgana nearly ran into Gwaine as he stopped abruptly outside the pub door and grinned at her over his shoulder, "This is going to be so much fun."

She rolled her eyes but couldn't resist smiling back at him. She wasn't sure she agreed it was going fun but it was certainly going to be interesting. Merlin was not going to be happy that he was meeting her and not Gaius. At least Gwaine was going to be there, he was going to be a good buffer.

She followed Gwaine into the pub and looked around, she spotted Merlin slumped down in a chair at a table in the corner. She tapped Gwaine on the arm and then started walking to the table just assuming Gwaine would follow. Lancelot offered her a small smile as she approached, Merlin looked up frowned but he didn't glare at her which she considered progress. She would take whatever small victories she could get. She smiled pleasantly, "Sorry boys, Gaius couldn't make it, you'll have to settle for us."

"Us?" Lancelot asked. Gwaine came to stand beside her and grinned and nodded, "Us."

Another pang of jealousy hit her as Merlin's face lit up and he grinned from ear to ear, "Gwaine."

"Merlin."

And then she was being pushed aside and they were engaging in a round rousing and very manly hugs. They were clapping each other on the back clearly happy to see each other. She knew when they pulled back; Merlin's eyes would be glistening with tears. They separated and merlin looked so happy, like all his wishes had come true.

"You remember?" He asked Gwaine with a huge smile.

"Never forgot." Gwaine confirmed, "I'm also immortal."

"How?" Lancelot asked.

She noticed Gwaine's grin and rolled her eyes, knowing the story he was going to lead with, "There was this girl, right, a beautiful nymph she was absolutely gorgeous."

Oh, honestly, "He drank from the cup of life." She said dryly. She wanted to move this along. Merlin's gaze finally landed on her, "The cup of life?"

"Holy shit, My Lady, you really do know how to ruin a good story," Gwaine scolded her, "Yes, Merlin, the cup of life."

"He doesn't have it," she turned to Gwaine, realizing Gaius hadn't said he had just that he had access to it, "Do you?"

"No, I don't have it."

"How long have you been immortal?" Lancelot asked Gwaine.

Gwaine shrugged nonchalantly, "10 or so years. Still trying to see if it will stick."

Again she rolled her eyes. 10 years? Really? Merlin looked between Gwaine and herself, "Are any of the other knights immortal too?"

Gwaine shrugged, "Well, I have a theory about Leon since he was brought back to life by the cup back in Camelot but I don't know for sure."

Of course he didn't.

"What are you doing with Morgana?" Merlin asked in a tone filled more with curiosity than anything else. Gwaine shot her a sideways glance and then slowly smiled.

"Aw, she's not so bad once you get past all that torture, murder, betrayal and just evilness. The Lady Morgana and I have a few things in common, surprisingly. It turns out she does know a little something about loyalty. When she wants to."

She smirked at Gwaine, "Or when I find someone worth being loyal to."

Gwaine gave her a slow smile full of hidden meaning, "Oh, I think you've found someone to be loyal to."

She was about one step away from hitting him or stepping on his foot to make him shut up. Merlin's eyes had narrowed and he was looking at her with a critical eye full of suspicion. Of course he wouldn't assume that the person Gwaine was teasing her about was actually him. She shook her head and went to the bar, leaving them to their little reunion. She sat at the bar and looked back at them over her shoulder, they were smiling and talking animatedly, she'd never had that, that sense of just fitting in.

She was three drinks in when she saw Merlin go outside, out the door to the alley, she exchanged a glance with Gwaine and he gave her a little nod. Time to get Merlin alone and plant a little seed of an idea in his mind. She slid off the barstool and followed him out of the pub.

He was leaning against the brick wall of the alley and smoking. On most people it was a filthy habit but he somehow made it work, some how made it look attractive. She watched him for a moment before slipping into her unaffected persona and walked into the alley, putting a little royal air in her walk. He took a pull of his cigarette then slowly exhaled the smoke. Yup. That, on him, was definitely attractive.

"What are you doing with Gwaine, Morgana?"

She shrugged and met his eye, "Thought we established that. He and I have a few things in common is all."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Nothing that you'd understand," She was being purposefully evasive; she actually wanted to piss him off.

"How did you get summon Kilgharrah? Really." He asked and she smirked as she stepped closer to him.

"I told you, I screamed, I'm a screamer. Or have you forgotten?" She asked with a quirk of an eyebrow, a suggestive smile and a hand on the wall behind him, leaning just ever so slightly into him. He put his arm around her waist and spun them, switching their positions so she was the one with her back to the wall, his hand on the wall beside her head. He leaned in and dipped his head so his lips just barely brushed against her ear, "Oh, I remember. How could I forget?"

She grabbed hold of his shirt, fisting and twisting it in one hand, "Kilgharrah didn't appreciate me screaming his name as much as you did."

He chuckled lowly in her ear and the sound and proximity of it sent chills up her spine, "I bet he didn't."

She almost forgot what she was there to do, what the whole point of this little visit was until he whispered, "I'm going to have to kill you, Morgana."

That, right there, was the equivalent of a cold bucket of water being dumped onto the moment. She gave him a shove and injected some magic into it to push him back into the opposite wall of the alley, again switching their positions, "You're going to try. But here's the thing Merlin, I don't think you'll be able to do it."

"Really? Why's that?"

She leaned in and whispered close to his lips, "Because I'm your weakness just as much as you're mine."

He glared at her and wrapped a hand around the base of her neck just above her collarbones, tight enough to sting a little and leave a mark, his thumb pressing down just a little but not tight enough to do any real damage. He used that hand to haul her closer, "You're not my weakness. When the time comes, I won't even hesitate."

He pulled her up against him and pressed a rough kiss to her lips. She didn't even try not to kiss him back; she just pressed herself as close to him as possible wanting to steal some of his warmth and to imprint him on her body so that she could remember this for later. She pulled back for air reluctantly and smiled, pressed a light kiss to his lips and said, "Hate me all you like, if you want me to be your enemy, I'll be your enemy, whatever you want but it doesn't change the fact that you still want me."  
He pushed her away roughly and she stumbled back a little but smirked at him, time to give him a little nudge in doing what needed to be done, "You know, you'd think for someone whose whole existence and whole purpose is wrapped up in one man, you'd be doing more to help him."

"What are you talking about?"

"Arthur. You're Emrys. The most powerful warlock ever. Surely, you could have figured out a way to make Arthur rise."

"I couldn't," he said as he stalked to her, his expression pure rage, "Because of you!"

She looked down and pretended to study her nails, "I don't know. Maybe but I would have thought you'd be trying to do more to help poor, poor Arthur stranded in that lake. Poor Arthur who'll be so incredibly mortal and vulnerable when he is finally allowed to rise. Who knows who could be waiting for him?" She reached out and ran a finger down his chest, ready to drive the point home, "Waiting to kill him all over again. And then, if he does survive rising, he'll live the life of a mortal man and eventually you'll be forced to watch him die. Again and go on once more without your precious King."

She smiled as he glared down at her, patted him on the chest and brushed past him going back into the pub and past the table Gwaine was at with Lancelot. She looked at Gwaine as she walked past and said, "Time to go."

"As you wish, my lady."

She heard him follow along behind her as she exited the pub, they were silent as he unlocked his car and she climbed in. Gwaine looked at her and she saw his gaze drop to her neck, "What happened out there? You were supposed to drop a hint, not provoke him."

"Sometimes provoking him is the best bit."

Gwaine shook his head, "I don't want to know. So, will he do it."?

She smiled feeling certain she'd given Merlin enough provocation to push in the direction they wanted him to go, she nodded, "Yeah. He'll do it. It will become his mission."


	41. Chapter 41

_Note: Not much happened in this chapter but it did take me a little while to write, hope it is not entirely awful :)_

"What happened between you and Morgana in that alley behind the pub last night?" Lancelot asked him as he dragged Morgana's damn whiteboard out to the living room.

"Nothing," he muttered. Nothing, really except for the fact he couldn't keep his hands off her. Absolutely nothing. "She said some things about Arthur."

"What did she say?"

"She's going to release him from her spell, let him rise and then kill him." He said it with a tone of certainty but he felt like something was off. Even as her words had pissed him off and made him burn with anger, he felt like she was trying to tell him something, like there was some hidden just beneath the surface of her words. Which was ridiculous.

Lancelot looked skeptical, he leaned forward on the couch, "Really? She said that? Word for word?"

"No. Not word for word but she insinuated it."

Lancelot sat back on the couch, "So she didn't actually say she was going to bring Arthur back just to kill him?"

"She didn't need to say it." He was being stubborn, he knew it but Arthur was vulnerable and he needed to focus on making him less so. "I need to figure out how to protect him from the possibility of being killed in the minutes after he rises."

"Protection spell?" Lancelot suggested. Merlin shook his head, no a protection spell wasn't enough.

"No. I need to make sure he can't be harmed or killed."

"Pity we can't make him drink from the cup of life, then being killed wouldn't be an issue."

Merlin froze and something seemed to click into place in his mind, he just couldn't quite access it, "What did you say?"

"I said," Lancelot said slowly, "It's a pity we can't get Arthur to drink from the cup of life."

"Immortality!" Merlin grinned, "We need to make Arthur immortal."

"How do we do that without him being here?"

Merlin's mind was whizzing with thoughts of how to make Arthur immortal without having access to him or his body. Arthur was dead but he wouldn't stay dead, yet when he rose he would be mortal. How could he change Arthur's state from what it was? Arthur wasn't magical within himself.

Merlin went to the table, picked up Lancelot's car keys and threw them at the knight who caught them one handed, "Let's go. I need to do some research."

Lancelot got up and followed him, "Where are we going?"

"There's only one person I know who would have the type of books that may have the information I need."

Lancelot nodded as they got into his car, "Gaius."

Merlin grinned and buckled his seat belt, "Gaius."

"And if we happen to see Morgana it will just be a happy coincidence, right?"

"I don't want to see Morgana," he said a little defensively. Lancelot smiled, "Of course you don't."

Merlin glared at his friend and looked out the window and ignored Lancelot for the rest of the journey.

They pulled up outside Gaius's clinic and Merlin strode in, shot a smile in Gwen's direction and walked right into Gaius's office, "I need some books," he said without preamble or bothering with pleasantries. Gaius quirked a brow at him, "There's a nice little library in the village, Merlin."

Merlin grinned at Gaius's attempt at teasing, "No, I need our kind of books."

"Ah, I see. The room down the very back is where I keep those kind of books."

Merlin nodded and walk down the corridor to the room, it was locked, had one on those keypad locks, he looked around him and used his magic to open it, stepped in and shut the door behind him. Then he froze. Morgana was sitting on a desk reading a book, her hair covering half her face; she was wearing denim shorts, boots and his Bon Jovi t-shirt. His t-shirt that she'd obviously stolen. She looked like every teenage boy's fantasy. She looked like the embodiment of every dirty dream he'd ever had. Hell, she'd had a starring role in just about every dirty dream he'd ever had. It didn't help that he knew exactly what it felt like to have those long legs of hers wrapped around him. It was a form for torture designed just for him. Forget a sword, this was how she would finally kill him. As if she knew he was thinking about her, she looked up from the book and met his eye, a slow smile forming on her face. He clenched his fists to stop himself from going over to her and kissing her and tangling his fingers through her hair. He shook his head, shaking off the thought and feeling of needing to touch her. He went over to a shelf and started looking through the books Gaius had collected, he was aware of her eyes on him. Immortality. Think about immortality; don't think about her wearing your favourite t-shirt. He pulled out a book, flipped it open and stared at a picture of a flower for a long moment before he realized a flower with healing properties was not going to help him. With a frustrated sigh he threw the book back onto the shelf. Why did she have to be here? Why did she have the power to distract him without really doing anything?

"What are you doing here, Merlin?" He heard her ask and he thought he heard a hint of amusement in her tone.

He shrugged and kept his back to her, "Just doing a little research."

"Anything I can help with?"

"Not really." He said but then he paused and thought for a minute. She was the only person who had lived as long as him, her knowledge was as extensive as his own. She could possibly help; he just wouldn't give her too many details. He turned slowly and walked over to the table she was sitting on, "If you wanted to turn someone immortal, how would you do it?"

She smirked and leaned toward him, half lying across the table, "Who do you want to impart the gift of immortality on, Merlin?"

He shook his head, distracted for a moment by the way his t-shirt slipped off her shoulder revealing her creamy skin, it didn't slip his attention that there was no bra strap on that shoulder, he snapped his eyes back up to her face, "No one. It's hypothetical."

She made a little humming sound and sat up straighter again, putting some much needed distance between them, "Right. Hypothetical."

He nodded, "Hypothetical."

She shifted and crossed her legs causing her shorts to ride up higher, she caught him looking and bit her lip and blinked slowly, "Hypothetically, do you want to make this person immortal permanently or just for a specified time?"

He inched closer to her, "Permanently," he said as he took a step closer again, she uncrossed her legs.

"Are they magical?"

"No," another step closer and his thighs bumped against her knees as he stood in front of her. "Hypothetically," he reminded her.

She nodded, "Of course. You could ask Gaius very nicely to borrow the cup of life." She said as she opened her legs and he moved forward to stand between them. He walked the fingers of one hand up her leg and over her hip and around to the small of her back where he pressed his palm flat and pulled her forward.

"Not an option."

She nodded and wrapped her legs around his waist, locking her ankles together, trapping him. "You could link them to someone who is already immortal. Through blood."

"Familial connection?" he asked as he pushed his t-shirt off her shoulder and pressed a kiss to the space where her neck and shoulder met, he sucked on the skin, pulling it into his mouth and heard her take a sharp intake of breath, he smiled against her skin and licked the spot to sooth it.

"Yes," she breathed either in answer to his question or as a response to what he was doing to her flesh.

"Can't. Family wouldn't work," he said with another kiss to her skin. He lifted his head and smiled at her. She moved her hands around him and up the back of his t-shirt and dragged her nails down the skin of his back; it stung in the best possible way.

"Find someone this person is close to on a spiritual level and their souls together somehow," she whispered as she dropped her legs from around him and wriggled closer so she was barely even sitting on the table anymore. He leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss to her mouth as his hand found the button on her shorts, undid it and he slid his hand into them, her nails dug deeper into his back.

"A soul link." He said against her lips as he slowly slipped a finger into her. She gasped and froze at the sudden intrusion. He kissed her again and she relaxed as he pulled his finger out, then slipped it back in adding a second finger to the mix. Without pulling his fingers from her, he pulled her shorts down with his other hand. She bit her lip as he pulled back then pushed back in a little harder than before. She nodded her head, "Yes a soul link."

He smirked as her voice took on a kind of faraway quality. She widened her legs and pulled her hands from his back, they flew to his belt loops, hooked in and dragged him closer, the movement forcing his fingers deeper, "Merlin," she whispered. He didn't want her to whisper his name. He wanted her to scream it.

She fumbled with the button and zipper of his jeans and slipped her hand in, taking hold of him and matching him stroke for stroke. He was aware of his breathing getting heavier. This was definitely torture. She grabbed him by the neck and pulled him down for a kiss, her tongue moved against his and the sensation was almost too much. He smiled into the kiss as he felt her trying to push his jeans down with her feet, then she was guiding him to her, he pulled back from her kiss at the same time he pulled his fingers from her and let her position him at her opening, he licked his fingers and took a moment to revel in the taste of her on his tongue. He took one of her legs and lifted it up over his hip, "This doesn't mean anything," he said against her lips as he slid himself into her. She smiled and gasped as he started to move, he loved every single little sound she made.

"Whatever you say, Merlin," she said on a moan as she lifted her hips to meet him, "But we both know that isn't true."

"Morgana, shut up." He growled and crashed his lips into hers.


	42. Chapter 42

Morgana walked out of Gaius's library feeling a little shaken. She tried to act as though nothing had happen, like she hadn't just had her world rocked by a powerful warlock who was just a little too good with his hands. She saw Gwaine and Lancelot and Gaius chatting in the reception area and tugged on her clothes trying to look entirely innocent.

"Morgana, is everything all right? Were you and Merlin arguing? We heard a crash."

That crash would be the light bulb shattering as they…well you know. She felt a blush creeping its way under her skin as they all looked at her.

"Don't think they were arguing," Lancelot stated with a hint of a smile. Gwaine came over to her and smirked, "Pink's definitely your colour, my lady," he leaned closer to her, his eyes twinkling with mischief, "Nice hickey." He said quietly.

She felt her eyes widen in horror and she slapped a hand to her neck as Gwaine continued to smirk at her.

She heard Merlin come up behind her and he brushed past her, his eyes on hers and she felt like time slowed and the room shrank to just the two of them then he moved away from her and the moment was gone.

"You get everything you needed, Merlin?" Lancelot asked and she didn't miss the way his gaze flitted to her for just a second.

"Yeah," he said with a smirk, "I definitely got every I needed." How the hell did he manage to look so composed, so unaffected while she felt like a junkie needing her next fix?

"I bet he did," Gwaine murmured to her. She closed her eyes; this really couldn't get any more mortifying.

"We heard a crash," Gaius repeated again. "I hope you two weren't arguing."

Merlin's smirk grew into a full on grin, "We weren't arguing. Things just got a little….explosive."

Gwaine chuckled, "Good for you, Merlin."

Morgana groaned, it could get more mortifying, she grabbed Gwaine by the shirt and said, "We need to talk," as she dragged him out the door and into the fresh air. She let him go with a little shove. He was enjoying her mortification a little too much and she wanted to hurt him. Though, to be fair, she'd caused him a good deal of hurt in the past so it was probably only fair that she let him have a good old laugh at her expense.

Gwaine chuckled and for just the teeny, tiniest moment she wished he weren't immortal so she could kill him all over again. She didn't enjoy being laughed at.

"I knew you were a lot of things but I didn't think you'd take advantage of Merlin like that."

She rolled her eyes, Merlin did deliciously wicked things to her, made her want more, made her addicted to him and it was his virtue everyone was worried about. Honestly. "I didn't take advantage of him."

Gwaine continued to smirk at her; leaning against the fence he crossed his arms and scrutinized her, "Really? Because I don't really see him taking advantage of you. The Merlin I knew in Camelot didn't even know what to do with a woman."

"Well, he learned," she muttered thinking maybe he'd learnt just a little bit too well.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Things have changed. He's changed."

"Apparently." He grinned and she definitely wanted to hurt him. Maybe run him through with one of the fence palings. "How's his quest for immortality for the princess going?"

She shrugged, "Fine. I think. I may have given him a few pointers."

Gwaine waggled his eyebrows at her, "I bet you did. Will there be a repeat performance?"

"That's none of your damn business."

He shrugged and tried to train his expression into what she assumed was meant to be innocence, "What? I was merely thinking if you two have worked out your differences, mended fences, decided it's all water under the bridge then maybe you should tell him about our own little plan. You remember, the one where you end up dead for a few minutes."

"No."

Gwaine sighed and the smile slipped away, "At least tell him about Morgause. Let him know it's not your grand plan keeping Arthur trapped in a watery grave."

"No," she said, all her warm and fuzzy feelings induced by Merlin and his skin against hers slipped away and was being slowly replaced with anger, "If he knew about Morgause, he wouldn't just believe that I had nothing to do with it, he'd think it was just history repeating itself."

"If you just explained…"

"No," she cut him off and gave him a steely look to show she meant business, "And you won't say anything either. Give me your word."

"Morgana."

"Give me your word, Gwaine or I swear I will rip you apart limb by limb. Slowly. I will torture you in ways you can't even imagine, it will make what I did to you in Camelot feel like you were being licked all over by over enthusiastic puppies."

He gave a long-suffering sigh as if having to deal with her actually caused him physical pain, "Fine. You have my word. But you won't torture me."

She quirked a brow, she really needed to get Gaius to teach her that brow thing he did, that was impressive, "Really?"

"No. I'm the closest thing to a friend you have." He stated with a grin.

She pouted, "That's not true. I think Gaius is slowly starting to warm to me." And she had Sarah, she thought silently.

"That warmth will all melt away when he learns you deflowered the closest thing he has to a son."

Deflowered? Really?

"She didn't deflower me," Merlin said as he and Lancelot strode down the path past them, "Not even close. That ship sailed long ago."

"Really," Gwaine drawled and Morgana rolled her eyes yet again, "Good for you. Where are you two off to?"

"We've just got a few things to do but we're hanging around the village for a while, meet us at the local pub later." Merlin said as he opened the car door, he stopped and looked back over his shoulder, "And Gwaine, come alone," he said his eyes on her. She watched him get in the car and leave. Gwaine nudged her foot with his, "Looks like you're not invited to the party."

She glared at him, "Whatever."


	43. Chapter 43

Merlin downed another glass of whiskey as he waited for Gwaine to show up. Lancelot was off somewhere talking on the phone to Sarah. He looked down the bar at the couple that was wrapped around each other. They'd only met about half an hour ago; he'd watched the entire thing. The guy had walked up to the girl and told her some appalling pick up line that was so bad it had her giggling. It seemed it was so bad that its badness was what made it work. Merlin's mind had wandered to what it would be like if he were just a normal guy and Morgana was a normal girl. He thought about seeing her in a bar one night and just having to talk to her. He thought about what he would say to her, how she would blush, duck her head and tuck a piece of hair behind her ear and then smile up at him coyly. He thought about what they would talk about, he thought in another life she would have been an artist and he would have listened to her intently telling him about the latest piece she was working on. He thought about how he would have charmed and coaxed her into going home with.

That was the point where he'd ordered another drink and then another and then a chaser for that one. Some pretty girl had sidled up to him and tried to start a conversation. He'd looked at her like he'd never seen a girl before, then he remembered to be polite and smiled and told her that he had girlfriend. Was that a lie? He wouldn't exactly call Morgana his girlfriend, whatever they were was complicated but they were something. And that thought had required another drink. He'd just downed that one when Lancelot appeared beside him grinning like a fool. He guessed it was going well with Sarah. Even Lancelot had a simpler love life than he did. He signaled the bartender and ordered them both a drink, "Let's grab a table," he said as he led them over to an alcove away from the bar and tucked away from prying eyes and ears.

"So," Lancelot said as he slid into the seat opposite Merlin, "Did Morgana give you anything you could use?"

He raised his brows and smirked, he couldn't resist that one, "Yeah she gave me quite a bit."

Lancelot sighed, "I meant about Arthur and immortality. Not about…that. Which you should not have been doing in Gaius's library, his home, and his place of business. Do you have no shame, Merlin? Not to mention that location is not befitting of a lady."

"She started it, not me." He protested.

"Did she?"

"Yes. No. Yes." He shook his head, "Maybe. She was sitting there looking all kinds of irresistible. So, I didn't resist."

"Because heaven forbid you should keep your hands to yourself. She's irresistible to you yet you're still going to tell me that you need to kill her?" Lancelot asked looking thoroughly unconvinced even though they'd already had this conversation.

"Merlin's going to kill who?" Gwaine asked with a grin and pulled a chair up to the table.

"Morgana." Lancelot stated as Merlin sighed, "Though, he doesn't want me to tell you that because Merlin thinks you're with her."

"Well, I'm definitely not with her like Merlin is. Or was," Gwaine stated with his usual devilish smile. Merlin would be a liar if he said he hadn't missed it. "Thank you for that by the way, Merlin, it was delightfully entertaining watching Morgana try to explain to Gaius why his books were strewn everywhere and how it was his light bulb just spontaneously combusted."

"How did she explain that?" Lancelot was equally intrigued to see how Morgana explained that Gaius without revealing what had really been going on even though it was painfully obvious.

Gwaine chuckled, "She didn't really, just stammered and blushed spectacularly and promised Gaius she would tidy up and change the light bulb. And then he raised that brow at her and she stammered some more and promised she'd make him some muffins to make it up to him. It was absolutely delicious."

"The Lady Morgana said she'd change a light bulb?" Lancelot asked between laughs, "And that she would bake?"

"Yeah, she did it too at least the light bulb part, watched her do it. And when I left she was perched on the table in Gaius's library looking up recipes."

Merlin was about to break into their conversation when Gwaine laughed again and shot him a pointed look, "I almost forgot, Gaius wanted to put some ointment on that hickey you gave her, he thought it was some kind of rash. It was the funniest thing, I didn't think her face could get any redder and then it did!"

As entertaining as they clearly thought it was, Merlin had had enough of hearing about the levels of Morgana's embarrassment, he picked up what was left of his drink and downed it in one go and leveled Gwaine with a look, "Why are you helping Morgana, Gwaine? You know what she's doing and yet you're showing her loyalty, you and Gaius both."

Their laughter cut of abruptly and Gwaine's expression turned somber, "Don't think for a second I've forgotten what she did to me, to any of us but right now she needs someone in her corner."

"But why you?"

"I've told you. She and I have something in common."

"What could you and Morgana possibly have in common?"

Gwaine shrugged, "We're both fiercely loyal to someone."

"Who?" He felt as if Gwaine were being purposefully evasive, which he probably was.

"Can't tell you, Merlin."

"Why not?"

Gwaine sighed and ran a hand over his head, "Look, it's not that I don't want to tell you because I do, I really do but I gave Morgana my word I wouldn't tell you anything."

Lancelot leaned on the table, clearly as frustrated as Merlin was but holding it in a lot better, "We don't want to be on opposite sides to you, Gwaine. Can you tell us anything?"

Gwaine looked thoughtful, then nodded, "I can tell you that you think she's betrayed you and she has but at the same time she hasn't. You think you need to kill her, you don't, she will pay with her life but when her life ends, it won't be at your hands."

Panic crept up Merlin's spine, he felt his heart rate speed up, he didn't want anyone else laying their hands on her, if she was to die, he was going to be the one to end her life. Again.

"So," Lancelot said slowly, trying to understand, trying to decipher Gwaine's cryptic statement, "You're protecting her?"

Gwaine shook his head, "No, there's no protection for her. She's going to be hurt either way." He shot Merlin a look full of meaning and Merlin got the feeling Gwaine wasn't talking just about Morgana getting hurt physically. "Look, Merlin, we'll do our thing and you do yours and just see where it leads us all." Gwaine pushed back his chair and stood, "Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I need to go in search of a lovely lady to waste the night with." He winked at Merlin and then was walking away from the table leaving them to stare after him.

"Was it just me, or was he being particularly evasive?" Lancelot asked with a glance at Merlin. Merlin shook his head, "It wasn't just you."

"Didn't think so."

"He's right though, we need to focus on our plan. Morgana made a good suggestion, we could link my soul with Arthur's."

"Would that work? We might want to do more than one spell or have more than one element going to make sure it really sticks."

Merlin nodded, "Yeah that was what I was thinking too. I just haven't finished coming up with what else to do. Might need some more research."

Lancelot grinned, "So, another visit to Gaius's library might be in order then?"

Merlin leaned back in his chair and grinned, "Possibly."


	44. Chapter 44

Morgana was sitting cross-legged on the table in Gaius's library surrounded by recipe books. She needed to find the perfect muffin recipe – or should she do cupcakes? – to apologize for messing up his library. And causing the light bulb to shatter. She thought everyone should be thankful it hadn't been the window, which would have been harder to clean up. It was the middle of the night but she didn't really want to go back to her cold, lonely motel room, she didn't want to be alone. She wanted to be around other people, even if those people were tucked up asleep. Gwaine usually slept on the couches in Gaius's reception area but she guessed he wouldn't be back until much later, if at all. Gaius hadn't even batted an eyelash when she'd told him that if he didn't mind she was going to hole up in his library and do some reading. He'd merely nodded, said goodnight and shut the door. She was enjoying the way the light from the moon was coming through the window and that and a small lamp in the corner were her only source of light. While she enjoyed and appreciated all the conveniences modern inventions offered, there were times when she missed the simpler times. She missed having to light candles to light up a room and the way the little flame would dance and flicker and cast shadows around the room. Electric light just didn't have the magic that candlelight did. She looked at her phone again, she had a text from Morgause. She was avoiding answering it, she wasn't in the mood to be manipulated and she was sure now that was what Morgause had been doing to her, what she had been doing all the time. She truly believed her sister loved her in her own way but she equally believed, with the help of hindsight, that Morgause used her as a tool for her own plans. She liked to believe she was stronger this time around and wouldn't be so easily molded to her sister's will but she wasn't so sure. And the less contact she had with Morgause, the better, it would make it easier to do what she had to do. She was once again choosing one sibling over the other, no matter what she did somebody she cared about would die. But not Merlin. His survival was not up for negotiation. He would survived, she would make sure of it, even if the rest of them burned to ashes.

She turned the page of a recipe book and hunched over to read the recipe, she wondered if Gaius would like apple and cinnamon or would he prefer something chocolaty? Suddenly, she got the feeling of a shock in her veins. She sat up straight, feeling her magic crackling and hissing and sizzling under her skin. It was the tingling feeling she got whenever Merlin was near. She closed her eyes and concentrated. She smiled as she could feel him. He was walking through the front door of the clinic. Pausing at the reception desk to steal a peppermint. Striding down the hallway. Hesitating for a moment outside the door. Her eyes flew open just as he turned the handle and came through the door. He didn't look at all surprised to see her sitting there; in fact he looked as though he'd expected it, like he knew just as much where to find her. They watched each other for a moment: him leaning against the closed door, her sitting on the table, she tugged down the t-shirt she was wearing and pulled a book into her lap realizing he was possibly getting quite the view considering she'd discarded her shorts and was sitting in just a t-shirt and underwear. She hadn't been expecting a late night visitor.

Merlin tilted his head, watching her, a ghost of a smile on his lips, "I'd go with chocolate."

"Excuse me?"

"Chocolate. For your baking." He grinned goofily, "Chocolate is the best thing man has ever created."

She opened her mouth then closed it again because really who could argue with that? Chocolate was pretty great. But then her mind wandered somewhere else entirely and suddenly she was thinking about the heady combination of chocolate dripped on Merlin's skin. She bit her lip and furrowed her brow and told herself not to think about that. That type of thinking could not lead anywhere good or at least not anywhere advisable.

"I thought you were at the pub having a secret Knights only meeting." She said it a little huffily her tone made it sound like she was put out about not being invited. She wasn't. Really, she enjoyed cleaning and being accosted by Gaius and his concern for the red mark on her skin, the mark she had courtesy of Merlin, poor Gaius had thought she was developing some kind of illness. Which was an impossibility because well…immortality.

Merlin smiled clearly finding her all sorts of amusing, "We were. But Gwaine abandoned us for a much more important mission."

She rolled her eyes, "Let me guess, some pretty little thing caught his eye and he's on a quest to get into her panties."

He chuckled lowly, "Yeah, that's actually pretty accurate. I actually got hit on tonight."

He said it like it was some kind of a surprise, like he hadn't been hit on at all in the past thousand years, like he couldn't figure out way anyone would bother to hit on him, like he didn't realize how attractive he really was. He was a bloody idiot.

"And this girl was more than willing to let you into her knickers." Modern girls were a little too easy, one part of her mind thought while the other part screamed at her that she was a hypocrite.

"Yeah but I turned her down."

"Really?" she asked feigning surprise even as she felt relieved and a little victorious, "Why?"

He shrugged, "I'm not interested in anyone." She looked down at the book in her lap and frowned, did that mean he wasn't interested in her? "Else." He added quietly and her gaze flew up to meet his, his was intently fixed on her and the look he was giving her could only be described as smoldering. Well, it was safe to say she was in trouble. But it was trouble of the best kind. She shifted feeling uncomfortable under his scrutiny and cleared her throat and tried for a subject change, "So, what was it you three talked about that had to be so top secret?"

"You." He stated easily as he pushed away from the door and came toward her. Well, shit, that was not what she was expecting. She bit her lip and tilted her head, "What about me?"

"How loyal Gwaine seems to be to you, the reason for this loyalty," he said as he continued his slow, careful prowl toward her, "how close the two of you seem. How he seems almost protective of you." He finished as he stopped right in front of the table. Hadn't they been here before? There was something in his voice, not quite harshness, almost a tone of disdain.

She quirked a brow and tried to fight back the smile creeping up, "Are you jealous, Merlin?"

Holding her gaze he leaned forward and pressed a palm flat on the table on either side of her and she could feel the magic crawling just underneath his skin, calling out to her own. He wasn't touching her but she felt like he was, she wanted him to.

"Do I need to be?" he asked lowly, quietly and dangerously and she shivered even though it wasn't at all cold in there. She wanted to laugh at the preposterous idea of there being anything between her and Gwaine to be jealous of but she stopped herself at the look in his eyes. He was deadly serious. She felt the sudden urge to reassure him that he had nothing to worry about but before she could utter a word he brought a hand up, pushed her hair aside and ran a gentle finger over the mark he'd left on her neck. She watched as a little smirk appeared on his lips and his eyes fell to her neck following the trail of his finger, "I like this. I like there being something on your body showing everyone that you're mine."

"You think I'm yours?" She wasn't sure how she felt about that, she'd never had someone so obviously lay claim to her. This was a whole new experience. She'd never had someone look at her the way he was. Ok, she did know how she felt about it, she felt pretty damn good.

"You're not?" He asked the smirk falling away and she realized by asking that question, she'd fucked up that little moment they'd been having. This was the moment insecurities came crashing in. His. Hers. All she could do was stare at him and watch as he backed away from her. Crap. She wanted to go back about five seconds. He was retreating away from her and she wanted nothing more than to get him back, to reel him in to bring him closer again. She just wasn't sure how.

He walked away from her and went to the shelves, eying the books, pretending to be looking for something while she sat there cursing herself. Cursing him and trying to think of a way, of something to say to bring them back to the moment they'd been at before.

"Anyway," he said to the shelves, "I just came to do some more research."

She licked her lips and nodded even though he couldn't see it and said, "Right. For your hypothetical immortal project."

"Yeah." He refused to look at her and she didn't know what to do about it. An awkward silence engulfed them and she searched around for something to say. When she couldn't take the silence anymore and he hadn't moved from his spot staring at the books she slowly got up, walked across the room and slipped herself between the bookshelf and him. He had to look at her now. There wasn't a whole lot of space between them and she could easily reach out and touch him. Her fingers itched to but she didn't. She noticed him curling his hands into fists and she wondered if it was an effort not to touch her.

"So, I was thinking," she started quietly, and he rose his gaze up and watched her silently, "about this hypothetical immortality."

"What about it?" and she thought he sounded suddenly tired.

"Well, I said you could link these two people soul to soul but that wouldn't be enough, would it? Because that would only make the soul immortal but what about the body?"

"Right. There needs to be some way to link the immortal body to the mortal one in order to pass the physical immortality on."

She nodded, "Yeah, so you've heard of spells being done to prevent someone being injured, linking someone to someone else."

"What?"

She shook her head and tried to explain what she meant simply, "Ok, so say Lancelot wanted to kill me? Then, I could connect myself to you and anything that happened to my body would happen to yours. See, now Lancelot wouldn't want anything to happen to you so."

He moved, merely shifted slightly but it was enough to bring him almost flush against her, he reached up and brushed aside her hair, ran his hand down her neck, down her side and then up under the t-shirt, his hand warm against her skin as his fingers tickled her ribcage, "That's bloody brilliant, Morgana." He said as his fingers brushed the underside of her breast. As he cupped her breast and ran a thumb over her nipple she rose up on her toes and kissed him, she kissed him with urgency, trying to communicate all the things she couldn't say out loud, the things she didn't have the courage to say to him. He kissed her back and he tasted like a combination of mint and whiskey and everything she'd ever wanted. She pushed his jacket off him and it fell to the floor, she fumbled with the buttons on his shirt and that quickly followed his jacket to the floor. He was pushing her panties down and she pressed a kiss to the scar covering his heart as he slipped two fingers quickly into her, she gasped against his skin not quite ready for it, he whispered her name as she arched into him and lifted her leg in a quest to get his fingers deeper. He removed his hand from her breast to hold up her leg and pressed her back into the bookshelf and she couldn't decide which was better. He added a third finger and she wrapped her arms around him trying to pull him closer, he pressed a kiss to her neck and she felt the flick of his tongue and it was just all too much. "I've decided I like you wearing my clothes," he said huskily against her neck. Dear god. It wasn't enough. It would never be enough. She moved her hands between their bodies and quickly undid his button and zipper of his jeans and pushed them down, took hold of him in one hand and grabbed his wrist with the other, pulling his fingers out of her, he pulled back and grinned at her as she stroked him. He raised his hand to his face and not taking his eyes off her he licked the fingers that had just been inside her. She groaned, he was definitely trying to kill her. "Merlin…"

She guided him to her entrance and gave him another scorching kiss as he pushed into her in one fluid movement. She bit her lip to stop from moaning loudly at the sensation of him moving in her. A sudden thought hit her, "Merlin?"

He stopped moving and looked at her, "Yeah?"

"I _am_ yours. I'd be anything you wanted. Do anything you wanted. I'd follow you anywhere." She just needed him to know that.

He sighed, "I know." He cupped her cheek with one hand and kissed her so hard and started moving inside her again and she almost forgot her own name but as she dug her nails into his back and pressed closer and moved with him, she realized he hadn't offered her the same kind of promise.


	45. Chapter 45

"You've fornicated with the witch!" Merlin winced as Kilgharrah roared at him. The dragon wasn't exactly wrong but Merlin didn't see how it was any of his business.

Once he and Morgana had pulled away from each other and straightened items of clothing and put other items back on, they'd sat on the floor of Gaius's library not really talking. He'd pulled a book down and started flipping through it as she'd yawned and put her head on his shoulder. She'd soon fallen asleep and he'd sat there not really reading and listening to her breathing. His phone had vibrated with a text; he didn't need to look at it to know it was Lancelot telling him he was waiting outside. They had an appointment with Kilgharrah. He wanted to run his half concocted plan for Arthur's immortality by him, see if he had anything to add with his wisdom.

He'd picked up a still sleeping Morgana, held her to him and gently walked down the hall to the reception as he lowered her down to one on the couches; she'd whispered his name in her sleep. It made his chest tighten and all he wanted to do was bundled her up and take him away with him. He wished they could just leave everything behind and hole up in some little village where nobody knew them and would never find them. It was nothing more than a pipe dream. He covered her with a blanket and pressed a tiny kiss to her temple, gave her one last look and left.

Now he was being reprimanded for his life choices by a grumpy, senile dragon. He glared up at Kilgharrah, "That's none of your damn business."

Kilgharrah released a roar and lowered his head so it was as lower as it would go and they were almost eye to eye, "Your magic wasn't ever meant to be joined! Merlin, I could feel it when your magic collided."

Ah so that was what that was. Still he had to resist the urge to roll his eyes at Kilgharrah's never-ending foreboding and the dragon continued to lecture him, "Morgana's magic is darkness, yours is light, they are not supposed to connect, destiny forbids it."

Merlin held up his hands, "Fine. It won't happen again." Except he couldn't, wouldn't promise that. "Now, I need to ask your opinion about something." He outlined his plan – or rather the plan Morgana had inadvertently helped him come up with. When he was done talking Kilgharrah looked thoughtful at least as thoughtful as a dragon could look, "It will be risky, there will be no guarantees it will work but there will be no harm in trying."

Merlin nodded; satisfied that he'd got the answer he'd wanted and walked back to the car where Lancelot was waiting for him. He heard Kilgharrah trying to call him back but he wasn't in the mood to be lectured about what he did or didn't do with Morgana. He climbed into the car and waited for Lancelot to start the engine. And waited. Lancelot sat there, staring out the windscreen a contemplative look on his face. He finally nodded, "I'm going to say something and you might not like it."

"All right," Merlin said slowly not sure where this was going.

Lancelot turned to him and sighed, "You and Morgana. You obviously care about each other. You love her. You gravitate toward each other whether you try to or not. You definitely can't keep your hands off each other. You can't stay away from her so why keep trying?"

"She betrayed me." But it didn't come out sounding as convinced as it had before.

"So you keep saying but what if she didn't? What if someone just wants you to believe that she did?"

Merlin shook his head, "It doesn't matter."

"Why not?"

"Because I can never have her!" he screamed then shut his mouth, that wasn't what he'd meant to say at all but it was nonetheless the truth.

"I beg to differ. But I'll play along, why can't you have her?"

"Because neither of us trusts the other. Not really. Not enough. Because she's the darkness to my light, because I'm her destiny and her doom. Because she will eventually betray me whether it is today, tomorrow, five years from now."

"How do you know?"

"Because if…when Arthur rises, the stubborn prat that he is, he won't be able to see her for who she is now, he won't be able to forgive her. And I'll have to choose between them but it won't really be a choice because Arthur is my fucking destiny. And though I will choose her over everyone else, I can't choose her over him."

"I see."

"No you don't, not really, if I choose Arthur over her she'll think I never gave a shit about her, she'll feel alone again with no where to turn and eventually that feeling will turn to hate and it will be history repeating itself all over again. As much as we want to we can't escape destiny."

"So you're just going to convince yourself she's already betrayed you and go on with having her but not really having her and make you miserable?"

Merlin shrugged, "I never said it was my best plan."

"You want to know what I think?"

Merlin shook his head, "Not really but tell me anyway."

"I think it's been over a thousand years. I think you need to start making your own destiny, start deciding what kind of life you want and make it happen. That destiny is done, it's over. Once Arthur rises we all need to help him adjust but at some point he needs to sort his own life out and you need to sort yours. You can't keep being the servant when he's no longer a king."


	46. Chapter 46

_Note: So this is not a happy chapter, just a warning, things have turned to hell and got a whole heap complicated._

Morgana was once again in Gaius's library but this time she was basking in the midday sun. She'd woken up on the couch with absolutely no idea how she'd gotten there, but that wasn't the strangest part of her morning, she'd woken to Gaius's face in her line of vision. He said he'd needed to ask a favour. Apparently Gwen had called in sick and he was down a receptionist. He'd wanted her to fill in. Of course she'd said no but then he'd pulled the card about her owing him for various reasons: the time she had him tortured, the trying to kill him once or twice, the shattered light bulbs and dirtying up his library in more ways than one. She kind of had no other choice but to help out at least for the morning. Besides there was always the chance Merlin would come walking in and smile at her in that way he did. Except when Lancelot strolled in there was no warlock with enviable cheekbones to be seen, when she'd asked Lancelot where he was he'd shrugged and said he assumed Merlin was with her. Then he'd turned on his heel and left mumbling something about finding him. She wondered if maybe Merlin had put himself onto a train and gone home, maybe he was done with her. Maybe he'd gotten her out of his system. The door to the library flew open and for a fleeting second, she thought it would be him.

"We've got a problem, Princess," Gwaine looked unusually somber, not even a hint of humour in his expression.

"What?"

"No one can find Merlin. Lancelot's lot everywhere for him. We've been calling him over and over. He's not answering."

"That doesn't mean there's anything wrong, Gwaine, he could have gone home."

Gwaine shook his head, "Something's wrong, I can feel it."

"You can feel it?"

"Yeah," he ran a frustrated hand through his hair, "I can't explain it, just something doesn't feel right, why would he just take off and not tell anyone?"

"I don't know but it's not completely unlikely."

"Morgana, what if," no, she silently begged him, don't say it, "What if Morgause's got him?"

Shit. Of course, it would just be like her sister to take him and put her plan into effect without telling her. She pulled out her phone, pressed on Morgause's name in her contact, pointed at the door, "Shut it."

Gwaine kicked the door shut as she listened to the phone ring; she took a deep breath to keep the escalating panic out of her voice. A feeling of dread came over her, what if this was what Morgause had wanted to tell her when she text her?

"Sister," Morgause breathed in that way she always did and Morgana could hear the smile in her voice, "I've been waiting for you to call."

"I know," she said and surprised herself by how steady her voice was, "I'm sorry, I've been a little busy."

"I have a surprise for you. There is someone who wanted to cause Merlin pain as much as you do."

Morgana bit her lip and pressed the phone to her ear, "Who?"

She heard Morgause laugh and she wanted to scream, "It's someone from Merlin's past, someone he once trusted, they have him right now."

"What?!" she tried to sound outraged rather than devastatingly panicked, "You knew I wanted to be the one to hurt him, Morgause."

"But don't you see, sister, this is so much better, he went with them willingly and it's someone he'll never use his magic on because he won't want to hurt them no matter what they do to him. He's completely vulnerable."

"You should have talked to me first," She said true anger tainting her tone and hung up on Morgause, she threw her phone against the wall and looked at Gwaine, "Someone has him." Then she couldn't hold it in anymore, it was creeping up and strangling her, she held onto the edge of the table and screamed. It was a scream of frustration, or panic, or anguish, it was a scream to rival the one she'd down when Morgause was injured and she'd almost screamed down the whole of the castle. She felt worse now than she had then. The window cracked and shattered and Gwaine slapped a hand over her mouth and an arm around her waist. The door flew open and Gaius and Lancelot came racing in their eyes wide at the sight of the shattered window and Gwaine's hand over her mouth. Tears filled her eyes and spilled over.

"If I let go, do you promise to not scream again?" Gwaine said roughly in her ear. She swallowed harshly and nodded. He pulled his hand away and turned to Gaius and Lancelot, "Someone has Merlin."

"How do you know?" Lancelot asked.

"We just do."

Morgana wiped her face, "I'm sorry about the window, Gaius, I'll pay for it to be fixed," she said with a sniffle and felt slightly better about it when Gaius gave her a little nod. "I can find him," she said suddenly, "I can scry for him. I just need to go back to the motel, I need something of his, something important to him," she said as she rushed to the door, Lancelot grabbed her and pulled her to a stop.

"You." He said.

"What?"

"You don't need to get something. You are his, you are something important to him."

She gaped up at him and felt like she couldn't think straight, her mind kept flitting to whoever had Merlin and what they would be doing to him. Lancelot pulled her closer to him, "You can do this, Morgana."

Still unsure she looked back at Gwaine and he nodded at her and attempted a small smile, she bit her lip and nodded, "Ok."

"What do you need, Morgana?" Gaius asked softly.

"A map. I don't know how this will work, usually the object moves on the map to point to the person's location, I don't what will happen using myself as the object."

Gaius patted her back as he moved past her to go find a map, "Just do your best, Morgana."

What if her best wasn't good enough? She knew logically that Merlin couldn't die but torture could be worse than death, it could make you wish for; beg for a release that would never come. Gaius came back with a map and she tried to calm her chaotic mind, for this to have any hope of working, she needed to clear her mind and think of nothing but Merlin. She couldn't have anything else clouding her mind. She'd find him and then she'd wreck havoc on whoever had him. And god help them if they'd hurt him.

Gaius spread the map out on the table and she wiped away her tears and she walked up to it and in a last moment of uncertainty looked back at Gwaine who nodded and said, "Go on, My Lady, show us some of that magic of yours."

She nodded and turned back to the map and took a deep breath and closed her eyes and pictured Merlin in her mind, pictured that smile that made her knees go with, the smirk that infuriated her, the blue eyes that saw more than they should and those lethal cheekbones. She tried to send her magic to find his. Come on, Merlin, where are you? She gasped as suddenly her mind was rushed with images: a basement, a house, blood on the floor, a street sign and then a house number. And then the images were gone but she didn't need them anymore. Her eyes flew open and she smiled, "I know where he is."

"All right, well we need a plan," Gaius was saying as she was already walking away.

"I have a plan, I'm going to find him and kill whoever has him," she said as she walked down the hall. She heard Gaius tell Gwaine to go with her and that he and Lancelot would prepare for when they returned with Merlin.

"So," Gwaine started as he followed her down the street, "Where is he?"

Without stride she repeated the address she'd seen in her mind. She didn't have time for idle chitchat. She heard him swear beside her, "That's only a couple of blocks over."

As they walked, she thought about all the things she was going to do to the person who had him. First she'd see what had been done to Merlin and then she'd do the same to whoever it was. She'd do it and then some. She was going to make then ache and burn and beg for mercy and then she'd kill them slowly and painfully. There would be no mercy for them. Not from her. She didn't care who they were.

They went around the back of the house, looking for a way to sneak in, finally going in the back door that led to the kitchen. She spotted the stairs that must lead down to the basement and slowly led the way down. She stopped abruptly at the sight that met her. Merlin was chained to the wall, his shirt open and several long cuts had been made on his chest, he was clearly trying to hold in a scream as the woman in front of him pressed a burning cigarette to the spot just below his collarbone. His gaze left the woman and landed on Morgana. The woman followed his gaze and turned to face them, she smiled and Morgana thought the smile was a little deranged, "Hello Morgana."

"Gwen," she breathed.

"Oh, hell," Gwaine said from somewhere behind her. "This is a problem."


	47. Chapter 47

Gwen continued to smile at them then turned back to Merlin and ran a finger down his cut up chest, Morgana didn't miss the wince he tried to hide. She couldn't decide who she was going to cut up first: Morgause or Gwen. She heard Gwaine inching down the steps behind her. She spotted a kitchen knife on the floor and she bent and quickly picked it up while Gwen was distracted. It was Merlin's agonized scream that caused Morgana to lose her perfectly put together shit and spurred her into action. With a wave of her hand she threw Gwen against the wall and followed her, pressing the knife to Gwen's throat, "Touch him again and I will kill you, I don't care who you are."

She could hear Gwaine rattle with the chains holding Merlin up and heard them being released but she kept her gaze on Gwen, studying her, trying to see what kind of enchantment she was under. She couldn't sense one. She pressed the knife closer to her skin spilling the tiniest bit of blood.

"Morgana," Merlin croaked at her as Gwaine started helping him up the stairs. It wouldn't really take much to kill Gwen, just a little push forward of the knife and then her throat would be slit.

"I'll get him upstairs then I'll come back," Gwaine stated and she didn't know if it was a warning for her not to do something murderous or not. She thought it probably was. She waited until they were out of earshot then pulled the knife away from Gwen and took a step back, "What the hell are you doing, Gwen? What spell has Morgause put on you?"

"Morgause didn't do anything to me, Morgana, I sought her out."

Morgana narrowed her eyes at Gwen as a sudden realization dawned on her; "You have your memories."

"I never lost them. I keep being reborn remembering every single minute of my life in Camelot."

"You've been pretending all this time. Whenever Merlin sought you out you just pretended to have no idea who he was."

Gwen nodded, "I wanted him to feel just a little bit of the pain I felt. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have the love of your life die and having to be reincarnated over and over again and know that you can't be with him?"

"But why go to Morgause?"

"I listened to you and Gaius and Gwaine talking about her and thought who better to help me get revenge on Merlin."

Gwen had lost her mind. That was the only explanation. All that reincarnation had screwed with her sanity. "Revenge? Merlin was your friend, Gwen, he protected Arthur."

"He's the reason Arthur died!"

Morgana shook her head, "Nope that would be me." She always found it entertaining the way people rewrote history in their own heads to fit their own narrative.

"Every bad thing that happened was because of something he did. You betrayed everyone because he poisoned you because you had magic which was hypocritical considering his own magic."

"Where are you getting your information? Morgause? She doesn't know what she's talking about and she certainly can't be trusted."

"Uther was right, Morgana, magic is the problem. Nothing ever good came from it"

Morgana rolled her eyes, she couldn't listen to anymore of this, she waved her hand and caused Gwen to crash into the wall, hitting her head and slumping to the floor unconscious. Gwaine came back down the stairs and looked at the heap that was Gwen, "She's not dead is she?"

"No, just knocked out. She's crazy, Gwaine."

Gwaine crouched down in front of Gwen, "It's not a spell?"

Morgana shook her head and started up the stairs as Gwaine picked Gwen up, "Don't think so, she's just convinced Merlin is responsible for every shitty think that ever happened in Camelot. She's been reincarnated over again and remembered everything. At least that what she said."

She got to the top of the stairs, walked through the kitchen and out the door they'd come in, Merlin was slumped down on a low concrete wall, she lifted his arm and put it around her shoulders, "Can you walk?"

"Yeah. Morgana, you didn't…." he trailed off his voice hoarse – from screaming? Crying? She didn't know but it made her heart ache a bit. She realized he was asking if she'd killed Gwen. She shook her head, "Don't worry precious Guinevere is merely having a little nap."

Slowly, they made they way back to Gaius's, Gwaine carrying Gwen and Morgana hobbling along as she tried to propped Merlin up. They got through the door and Lancelot took Merlin off her while Gwaine lay Gwen down on the couch, Morgana smiled a little see that he lay her down in a way that was slightly less than gentle.

"Gwen?" Gaius asked.

"She's the one who did that to Merlin," Morgana said as she waved a hand in Merlin's direction, "I knocked her out."

"She did that?" Gaius asked as his gaze appraised Merlin and the various cuts, burns and bruises forming on his torso.

Morgana nodded, "She did."

"Is she under some kind of spell?" Lancelot asked, probably finding it difficult to imagine Gwen doing anything even vaguely violent. She hated to disappoint.

She shrugged, "Not as far as I can tell. She was talking about how Uther was right about magic and that Merlin and magic were the cause for everything. She has her memories, never lost them just keeps getting reincarnated remembering. I think it's driven her a little crazy."

"What are we going to do about this?" Lancelot asked.

Gwaine caught her eye and smirked and said, "Maybe a nice padded room would be a good option."

Gaius shook his head, "Lancelot and Gwaine watch her and when she wakes up try to talk to her. Morgana, take Merlin to the bathroom, get him cleaned up, you know how to do sutures don't you?"

"Yes but I don't think presenting her with Lancelot and his big brown eyes and gentlemanly ways is going to make her see the error of her ways."

Gaius sighed, "Morgana, just go."

She shook her head and helped Merlin to his feet and he wrapped an arm around her waist as she led him to bathroom in the area of the clinic sectioned off from public access. She opened the door, helped him inside, shut the door and turned in time to see Merlin sink down onto the edge of the bathtub. She opened the cabinet and pulled out the completely stocked medical kit Gaius kept there. She'd unwrapped some dressing when she realized he was covered in blood and would need a shower before she could stitch and patch him up. She turned back to him and saw him watching her. He looked both completely pathetic and achingly attractive sitting there covered in blood and wounds that were preventable and suddenly she was angry with him.

"Why didn't you use your magic? Why didn't you defend yourself?" She asked trying to portray to him that she was pissed at him for allowing himself to be hurt.

"I didn't want to hurt her. She's Gwen."

She shook her head, of course. "You always put Arthur and Gwen up on these pedestals like they were these celestial creatures. But they were human just like the rest of us and just as open to evil. Look what she's done to you."

"No. She's not evil. She's just had it tough."

"We've all had it tough, Merlin."

"If I talk to her, if we all talk to her, I think I could get through to her."

Morgana wondered if he'd tried this hard with her. Did he try to get through to her? She remembered something about, _It doesn't have to be like this, we can find another way_ , but she also remembered he didn't try too hard to convince her of this other way.

"Why," she said frustrated, "are you so fiercely loyal to someone who wants to and has caused you harm?"

"Because I remember who she was, who she still is somewhere deep inside. I can forgive her one mistake. I don't expect you to understand."

She glared at him, "Because I know nothing of loyalty, right? We've already been down this road; we've had this conversation before. What was my line? Don't think I know nothing of loyalty just because I have no one left to be loyal to."

Besides him. Which the idiot couldn't see. She spun away from him, threw down the bandage she'd had in her hands and pulled open the door. He slapped a hand flat against the door and pushed it shut leaving his hand on the door beside her head, effectively cutting off her quick exit. She stared at the door and felt his warmth at her back. He dipped his head and said quietly into her ear, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, don't go."

"Then you shouldn't have said it."

"I know. I'm sorry. Just don't go. Please don't do go."

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because my wounds need tending, because they hurt, because you're the only one who can make them better." He said and dropped a light, barely there kiss onto her cheek. He really did know how to get her to do what he wanted. She sighed and pushed his arm away and he backed up a step and she turned around, her back against the door, him standing in front of her looking pained and dripping blood onto the floor.

"I have to go, Merlin, you need to shower clean off the blood, then I'll come back and fix you up."

He shook his head stubbornly, "No. I'm not getting into the shower without you."

"Merlin…"

He stepped back and sat on the edge of the bath, "No, Morgana, I'll just sit here and drip blood on the floor."

She stared at him and he stubbornly stared back and she knew she wasn't going to win. She went to the shower and cranked it on, making it hot but not scorching. She stripped down to her underwear and signaled for him to stand, she looked up at him as she undid his jeans, "This is just about getting you clean. Nothing else is going to happen."

He raised his brows and followed her as she walked backwards into the shower, he wrapped a strand of her hair around his finger, "You and I both know that's not true."

In response she pushed him under the spray and stood in the corner of the shower where the water barely touched her and watched as water mixed with the blood on his skin and swirled around and down the drain. She bit her lip as her eyes filled with tears, he shook his head and reached for her, taking her cheek in one hand and ran his thumb along her bottom lip, "Don't do that. Don't cry over me."

As if that were even possible. She tried to keep a distance between them wary of his wounds, he winced each time the water hit a particularly deep one, "Then stop getting in situations that cause me to cry over you."

He quirked his lips into a half smile and made a try for humour, "I've had worse than this."

She sighed and pushed his hand away from her face, "I'm being serious."

He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers, "Ok. I will try to avoid getting tortured. Kiss me?"

She shook her head and backed away from him, "I can't. You're hurt. It will hurt."

He groaned and wrapped an arm around her waist and hauled her under the water with him, "When you touch me is the only time it doesn't hurt. Now, will you please fucking kiss me?"

She hesitated for a bare second then rose up on her toes and kissed him, he tightened his arm around her waist and held her to him, she tried to move away knowing she was pressed against his open wounds but he wouldn't allow it. He kissed like he thought it was the last time he'd do it, like he'd never see her again. Or as if he'd never expected to see her again. He lifted her up quickly and pressed her against the side of the shower and she had no choice but to wrap her legs around his waist. He pulled back and grinned at her, she shook her head, "This is a bad idea."

"No," he said as he pushed aside her panties, positioned himself and pulled her down onto him with a sigh and a gasp from her, "This is the best idea I've had all day."


	48. Chapter 48

Morgana threaded the needle and turned and studied Merlin as he sat on the edge of the bath. If anything the shower had made it all look worse, he'd been a bloody mess sure but now everything looked raw and angry and she wasn't entirely sure where to start. He was looking at her like she could fix everything. She stepped up to him, stood between his legs and put a hand on his shoulder and surveyed the damage. He'd definitely have a few more scars to add to his collection. There was a series of long, deep gashes in a square shape around the scar he'd given himself and she ran a finger along the skin beside on of the gashes. He sucked in a breath and she wasn't sure if it was from pain or from her touch or both. "She said she wanted to cut out my heart." He said quietly as he placed a hand on her hip.

"And you would have let her even though you could easily stop her."

"Morgana," he sighed tiredly and she thought maybe she should rein back her anger and treat him a little nicer but instead she shook her head, "Just shut up, Merlin."

Without warning or preamble she shoved the needle through his skin and pulled, he hissed and swore and his hand tightened on her hip, his fingers digging into her skin just a little. She worked in silence, with his eyes on her watching her face and his hand on her hip, as she pulled his skin back together.

He started to quietly talk, kind of reciting something, she frowned at the words then realized he was saying the lines of some pop song, "We can dance, until we die, you and I will be young forever, you make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream, the way you turn me on, I can't sleep, let's run away and don't ever look back."

She'd never liked that song until that very moment, she tried for a smile and finished her last stitch, and he kind of looked a little like Frankenstein's monster all covered in stitches. If she wasn't so horrified, angry and tormented by the sight it might have been funny. She stepped back from him needing some distance but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back in he pressed a kiss to her palm and she thought it was unfair that he could make her insides flutter and make her mind turn to chaos with just one touch. Nobody should have that amount of power over another person. But she'd given him that power freely. Pulling away, she picked up her t-shirt and threw his jeans at him, she pulled on the t-shirt and opened the door and stepped out with him following close behind. A little too closely. He seemed to have completely forgotten a little thing called personal space. Her emotions were all over the place and he was just adding to it with his proximity. She stopped in the middle of the hall, turned and jumped at him, he caught her as she wrapped her arms and legs around him and kissed him. He smiled against her lips and kissed her back. She pulled back and he followed trying to keep the kiss going. She untangled herself from him, slid down his body and turned and kept walking, "Now, that's just not fair," she heard him mutter behind her.

She went into the reception area where Gwen was still out to it and Gaius, Lancelot and Gwaine were discussing what to do about her. She stood in the doorway as Merlin brushed past her and joined them. She listened to him tell them he was fine and that they needed to think of a way to fix Gwen. Feeling disgruntled she shook her head and went back to Gaius's library, she didn't really feel like listening to them explain away Gwen's actions as if they weren't her own choices. She grabbed a book and perched herself on her favourite spot: the table and settled in to read and wait for them to figure out how to 'save' Gwen.

She didn't know how long she'd been hiding away when the door opened and Gwaine came in holding a mug of tea that he held out to her. Not her usual beverage of choice but it would do. She took it and took a sip, "How's it going out there?"

He shrugged and grinned, "Oh, you know, lots of choruses of 'it's not her fault', followed up with 'think how lost and alone she must feel' and then rounding up with a lament of 'we must save her from herself.'"

She laughed for the first time in hours, "So, are you not a fan of the talking to her in the hopes of her seeing the error of her ways?"

Gwaine shrugged, "No, I'm all for a good old chat but doesn't mean we have to talk to her nicely." He looked somber for a moment, "She tortured Merlin, Morgana and he's acting like it's all fine."

She nodded and took another sip of tea, finding the drink soothing and comforting as her skin itched for her to go out there and cut Gwen open. Her eyes widened as Gwaine pulled something out of his pocket. Handcuffs.

"Where did you get those?" she asked a little mesmerized by the sight of them. He smirked at her, "You really want to know?"

Laughing, she shook her head, "No not really. What are you going to do with them?"

He shrugged, "Lock up our wayward Queen. Want to come see?" Even before he'd finished talking he was walking away. She set the tea down on the table and scrambled after him, she definitely wanted to see this, and she didn't think they'd allow Gwaine to handcuff Gwen but it would be entertaining to watch either way. As she walked up the hallway she could hear Gaius talking soothingly, Merlin say that he forgave Gwen, Gwen bitterly saying she didn't want his forgiveness. So, Gwen was awake then. This would be more entertaining than she thought. She walked in just as Gwaine slapped one cuff around Gwen's wrist and the other around a freestanding lamp, effectively keeping Gwen where she was.

"You can't just treat her like a prisoner!" Lancelot exclaimed while Gaius was chastising Gwaine about being too rough with Gwen. Merlin who was leaning against the wall merely sighed. Gwen just glared at them all. Gauis wanted to know what Gwen had been thinking trying to hurt Merlin. Gwen was spouting something about revenge. Lancelot was trying to soothe Gwen. They were all talking at once and clearly the gentle approach wasn't working.

"Shut up!" Morgana yelled and they all looked at her like she was the one who was apparently unhinged but they didn't say a word. She stepped further into the room, her gaze entirely, singularly on Gwen, "You hate Merlin?"

"Yes." Gwen spat.

"You want revenge for all the bad things you think he caused?" She asked walking closer.

"Yes."

Morgana nodded, "What about them? Do you want to hurt them? Lancelot? Gaius? Gwaine? What about innocent people?"

Gwen shook her head, "No. Just him. No one else has to get hurt."

Morgana laughed bitterly, "Yeah, that's what I thought. How about I give you a few pointers about revenge since you're a newbie?"

"Morgana…" Gaius and Merlin both said at once.

"No. Let her do her thing." Gwaine said and Morgana could feel all their eyes on her.

She reached the couch where Gwen was and sat down on the coffee table, "Here's the thing about revenge and hate, they're all consuming, you can't escape them. I hated Uther. More than you could ever imagine. I hated him for so many things. For not recognizing me as his daughter. For never telling me I was his. For the way he let Arthur do whatever he wanted while he treated me like a commodity he could trade whenever he wanted. For never loving me enough. For hating magic. For persecuting innocent people because of that hate. For what I knew he would do to me if he ever found out I had magic."

"I'm not you."

Morgana shook her head, "No. You're not. You have people willing to talk you down off that ledge, willing to forgive you. I had none of that. Revenge is a slippery slope. You think you'll only rid the world of the person who has wronged you but there is always people who care about them and who are loyal to them and who will stand in the way of their demise." She paused and swallowed and out of the corner of her eye she saw Gwaine inch closer, she licked her lips and continued, "And then there is nothing you can do but take them out as well, even if you don't want to. You convince yourself that there are always casualties in war."

Gwen shook her head, "That won't happen, I'm not evil like you."

"That's the thing, Gwen, I thought I didn't have to hurt anyone else and then suddenly I was hurting people. It's a domino effect, the people you kill have loved ones who want revenge on you so you kill them and it just continues until it's something you can't control and soon the people you care about most are looking at you with distrust and loathing. And you never feel any better."

"I'll feel better when he's felt the pain I feel."

Morgana shook her head, "It doesn't work like that. Once you kill the person you hate, all they are is dead and you are still hurt. You have to live with their deaths and the death of every person killed as a result of your need for revenge. Their death doesn't fix whatever is broken in you. And when there's no one left to blame and to hate all you can do is turn that hate onto yourself and soon you're alone with no one to care about what happens to you." She paused and looked back over her shoulder at Merlin, "No one who can love you because you've become so full of hate that you're no longer worthy of love."

Gwen stared at her wide eyed and disbelieving. She couldn't tell if she'd got through to her or not. An image of Merlin bloody and hurting popped into her mind and the anger came back. She blinked and shook her head, "But Gwen, if you persist on this road to revenge because of some story you've worked up in your mind and have cast Merlin as the villain in it, then you and I are going to have a problem. If you lay a finger on him again or so much as blink the wrong way in his direction I will make you wish you hadn't. For every mark you put on his body, I will put one on yours and you won't have a chance to hurt him or anyone else again." She paused and leaned forward holding Gwen's wary gaze, "Because you may be a beginner when it comes to revenge but I'm the master. I've perfected it."

She stood up and walked back to the sanctuary of the library, leaving them all gaping after her. Gwaine offered her a grin as she walked by.


	49. Chapter 49

Morgana paced the length of Gaius's library; she couldn't believe she'd said all that. She'd never voiced any of that out loud before and she'd just blurted it out like she had no control over her verbal functions, she'd started talking and hadn't been able to stop. And now she'd shown all of her vulnerabilities to a group of people who had every right to want to hurt her. She didn't want them to know all of that about her, she'd been taught from an early age that to show your vulnerabilities was to show weakness and to give others power over you. It also irked her that they were so able to, so eager to just brush away what Gwen had done as if it were easily forgivable. She was probably going to get a lecture from at least Merlin and Gaius for threatening Gwen but she felt it needed to be done, Gwen needed to understand what would happen if she continued down this path. Morgana and Gwaine were going to have to figure something out to keep an eye on her and to make sure she doesn't have any more little meetings with Morgause. Morgana knew from personal experience the influence Morgause could have when you were vulnerable and filled with hate. Even if you were filled with misguided hate like Gwen was.

She stopped mid pace when the door opened and Merlin came in closing it softly behind him. He looked at her but didn't say anything just stared at her as if he was trying to figure her out, to figure out what to say to her. They stared at each other neither making a move to talk. She wasn't sure if she should be worried about his silence. Finally, having enough, she shook her head and said, "I'm sorry. Ok? Just tell me I was a bitch and give me the lecture about being nicer…."

Merlin closing the gap between them, grabbing her face and crashing his lips into hers cut off her sentence. Well, ok then. She stumbled back a little at the sudden contact and grabbed onto the sides of the shirt he'd put on but neglected to button up. She knew that she should be careful of his injuries but when he was kissing her like that she couldn't concentrate on anything else.

As they kissed he walked her backward until the back of her legs came into contact with the table, without breaking the kiss he lifted her up onto it and stood between her legs. He pulled away and she was reluctant to let him go but then his mouth was on her neck gently sucking the skin there. She pushed the shirt off his shoulders and wrapped her legs around him.

She was vaguely aware of the door opening and someone came in but she was too caught up and the only thing she was aware of was Merlin. She hoped whoever it was would just go away. But she wasn't that lucky. Whoever it was clapped their hands together, "Ok, kiddies, disengage, Merlin step away."

Merlin pulled back but didn't step away just kept his eyes on her and smiled, "Gwaine, you really do have incredibly shit timing."

"You can continue leaving your mark on Morgana later. But right now we're going out."

Merlin put his hands under Morgana's thighs and hitched her legs up higher on his waist, "What if I don't want to go out?" he said as his fingers walked up her legs, she shifted against him and thought she should probably slap his hands away and push him away. Probably should. But didn't.

"Wasn't a request, Merlin, Gaius is going to babysit our cuckoo Queen and we are going out. We are going to have fun."

"I already was having fun," Merlin said with a grin at Morgana. She felt herself blush and tried to figure out how to push him away without accidentally opening one of the wounds she'd painstakingly stitched shut. Gwaine picked Merlin's shirt up off the floor and threw it at him, "Let's go, Merlin. Or I will just sit back here and enjoy the show."

That was it. She gently pressed a hand to Merlin's shoulder and pushed him back and lowered her legs from around him. Gwaine gave her a satisfied nod, "Good choice."

"Maybe for you," Merlin mumbled as he put on his shirt. "Why do we have to go out?"

"Because all we've been doing is deal with drama after drama but we need some good old fashioned fun. You remember fun, Merlin?"

Merlin smirked at her and she rolled her eyes and led them out of the library, "Let's go." She said before Merlin could make whatever comment was running through his mind. Gwaine handed her a pair of jeans as she passed him, she took them and pulled them on. They went past Gwen who was still on the couch handcuffed and looked to be sulking. Lancelot was waiting for them outside looking about as enthusiastic as Merlin did. "So, Gwaine, now that you've forced us all out here, where are we going?" Lancelot asked sounding like he'd rather be going into battle with some deadly creature.

"Pub. Gaius said they have a band." Gwaine stated in a voice that clearly said he was just winging it and making up this little excursion as he went along.

She shrugged, "If I have to go someone had better bloody dance with me."

Gwaine smirked, gave her a mocking little bow and offered his arm, "My Lady, it would be my honour."

She ignored his offered arm but smiled anyway, "Well, come on boys, let's go then." She walked ahead with Gwaine while Merlin and Lancelot lingered behind, every now and then she looked back over her shoulder and caught Merlin watching her.

They could hear the music from the pub before it came into sight and Gwaine took her hand and spun her around once then released her. She couldn't help but laugh. Maybe a night of fun would be good before it all turned to shit, which it inevitably would. They pushed their way into the pub and found a spare table down the back away from the band and the crowd on the makeshift dance floor and by the bar. The band was actually pretty good and Morgana found herself dancing in her seat, she'd always loved music and dancing and dancing in the twenty first century was a lot more freeing and less structured than the dances she was taught as a child. She turned to the knights and the warlock and grinned, "All right, boys, who wants the first dance?"

Gwaine was the only one who smiled back at her, she rolled her eyes and said, "You are all dancing with me at some point tonight so you might as well get it over with."

Lancelot and Merlin exchanged a glance clearly refusing to volunteer. Gwaine stood up and held his hand out to her, "Come on, My Lady, let's show these two how it's done."

She grinned and put her hand in his and let him lead her to the dance floor and danced the next three Creedence Clearwater Revival songs with him. After the third song Gwaine bent to her ear and said, "I need a drink." She nodded and followed him off the dance floor and went back to the table while he went to the bar. Lancelot and Merlin had a collection of glasses around them, they'd obviously decided to make the best of the night and drink the night away.

"Who's next?" She asked and they once again looked at each other, Lancelot sighed and stood up, he held up a finger to her, "You get one dance, that's it."

She nodded, she would take what she could get, she was sure Gwaine would dance with her again anyway but she really just wanted to dance with Merlin. She danced her one dance with Lancelot then returned to the table and crooked a finger at Merlin, "Your turn, Emrys."

He shook his head and she felt disappoint creep into the carefree feeling she'd previously had, "No."

"No?"

Lancelot nudged Merlin, "Come on, Merlin, you've got to dance with her just once."

Merlin shook his head, "No. Not yet. I'm waiting for a slow song." The look he was giving her was full of meaning she couldn't quite dechipher. Finally, she nodded, "Fine, I'll come and get you when there's a slow song."

She pushed away from the table and went to find Gwaine who downed his drink when he saw her and followed her onto the dance floor, "Merlin won't dance?"

She shook her head, "He said he's waiting for a slow song."

Gwaine smirked at her, "Of course he is."

They danced another few songs then the band stopped for a 5 minute break and she followed Gwaine to the bar where he bought her a shot of vodka. The band came back and announced the name of their next song. "Do you think Freebird is a slow song?" she asked Gwaine.

He grinned, "I think it will do."

She smiled and pushed her way back to the table and leveled Merlin with a look that said he wasn't getting out of it this time, "Come on, let's go."

He stood and followed her to the dancefloor with a hand on her waist. She wrapped her arms around his neck and they started to do little more than sway to the music. She was ok with that. There were people all around them and she had to press closer to him. She was ok with that too. She stood up on her toes and said close to his ear, "Why did you want to wait for a slow song?"

"Because I only want to dance with you if I get to touch you."

She wanted to point out that when Gwaine and Lancelot had danced with her they had touched her when they'd spun her around but she didn't think that was what he meant. Especially since his fingers were inching their way up under her tshirt and tickling her ribs. She was fairly certain that wasn't appropriate public behavior. That didn't stop her from pressing a kiss to the base of his neck.


	50. Chapter 50

"That was quite the speech Morgana gave to Gwen," Lancelot said, "Think she meant it all? Do we think it was the truth?"

Gwaine turned his gaze away from where they were all watching Morgana on the dance floor and glared at Lancelot, "Course it was true. Why would she make it up?"

Merlin watched as Lancelot just stared back at Gwaine calmly, "I'm not saying she made it up but maybe it was a version of the truth to try to get through to Gwen."

Gwaine laughed bitterly, "At this point, I don't think our Lady gives a shit about what happens to our Queen. She stopped caring the second Gwen sliced portions of Merlin's flesh open."

Merlin raised his brows, "Our Lady?" he wasn't sure how he felt about Gwaine laying any kind of claim on Morgana. He didn't know what was between Gwaine and Morgana but they'd seemed to form some kind of bond. And Gwaine seemed almost ok with Morgana seeking revenge on Gwen. That was an unsettling thought.

"What she said about her being a master at revenge and hurting Gwen is she hurt Merlin was little terrifying," Lancelot said with a shudder and Merlin thought he was probably thinking about the torture Morgana had inflicted on people in her days in Camelot.

Merlin shrugged and smiled, "Don't worry too much. Morgana wouldn't actually do it."

Now, it was his turn to be the subject of Gwaine's glare, "You have no idea the things Morgana would do for you." There was an edge to Gwaine's voice that made Merlin lean forward, "So, tell me."

Gwaine shook his head, "You're an idiot. What the hell are you doing with her?"

"That's none of your business."

Gwaine leveled him with a look, clearly his old friend did think it was his business, "Don't mess with her, she's more fragile than you think, especially when it comes to you."

"I know better than you do how fragile she is."

Gwaine raised his brows, "Do you? Because it seems to me that you don't really trust her completely yet you can't keep your hands off her. So, maybe you're just using her for sex. Trying to fuck her into compliancy are we, Merlin?"

Merlin pushed his chair back and towered over the table glaring down at Gwaine, "You have no fucking idea what you're talking about."

Lancelot grabbed his wrist and tugged him back down into his seat, "Neither the time nor place."

Merlin shook Lancelot's hand away and Gwaine grinned, "Hit a nerve have I?"

"I'm not using her for sex. I'm not using her for anything."

"I've got eyes, Merlin, it looks like you'd be able to walk away from her easier than she could walk away from you."

"I'm not using her for sex," he repeated through clenched teeth.

"Then what's with all the groping?"

Merlin sighed, "It's not like that. I'm trying to tell her something without having to actually say it."

Gwaine leaned forward looking entirely unconvinced, "What are you trying to tell her with those magic hands of yours?" he mocked.

Merlin sighed and looked at Morgana on the dance floor, she looked free like she had no worries, like she was any other girl on a night out, like she'd not seen all the sides on humanity, as if she had not lost more than anyone should. "That she's beautiful. That she is wanted. That she means something. That she's not alone. That she's not broken beyond repair."

Gwaine tilted his head and studied Merlin, "That's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on sex. A lot for her to have to decipher if you don't actually tell her any of it."

"He's also in love with her," Lancelot said casually, "He's just not ready to admit out loud. Or to her. Or to himself."

Gwaine chuckled, "And suddenly it all makes a strange sort of sense."

Merlin rolled his eyes and stood up, "Lancelot, stop telling everyone that and Gwaine go dance with Morgana."

"Why? You worried she'll go home with someone else?"

Merlin glared at Gwaine, "Just please do it." He started to walk away from the table but Gwaine called after him, "Where are you going?"

He shrugged, "For a smoke." He walked through the crowd and out the back door and leaned against the wall of the pub. He reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a cigarette, wincing as he did. He'd been trying to hide it but everything hurt no matter which way he moved. Morgana had been right, he could have stopped Gwen. Easily. But he didn't want to hurt her. In his head she was still the girl who'd smiled sweetly at him and introduced herself while he was in the stocks, she was still the girl who had become his friend, the girl who had fallen in love with the prince and become his queen. He couldn't imagine what it must be like to be born over and over again with the same memories and know you couldn't be with the one you loved. He'd always blamed himself partly for Arthur's downfall and so as the years had passed he could understand how the memories could become warped in Gwen's mind and he would be painted as the person responsible. He had failed in keeping Arthur alive ultimately so for that crime he would let Gwen do whatever she wanted to him. She couldn't kill him. If it brought her a little peace and relief to hate him, she could hate him all she wanted. And then Morgana had come bursting in, like some avenging angel, hell bent on keeping him whole with Gwaine in tow. Then, that speech she'd given Gwen about revenge and hate had revealed more about her than anything else. He'd felt a stab of remorse when she said that she hadn't had anyone to pull her back from the precipice of hate and revenge. He'd failed her then. He felt guilt and regret for so many things but Morgana was possibly his greatest regret. He had failed to save her from herself, he wouldn't fail with Gwen.

"You going to smoke that?" A soft voice beside him asked, he turned his head and saw Morgana standing watching him. He crooked a finger and beckoned her closer, "Thinking about it."

She came and stood in front of him. She was just out of reach. He didn't like it when she was out of his reach. She smiled softly, "It looked like you were thinking about more than smoking."

"Just thinking in general. You having fun?"

"Yeah," she said as she took a step closer. She was almost in reach, if he held up his hand his fingertips might just touch her, "It would be more fun if you danced with me more."

He shook his head, "No. I told you, only the slow ones."

She pouted, "That's not fair, though, they're hardly playing any slow ones."

He shrugged and grinned, she was just too damn cute, "Guess you're out of luck, then. Gwaine's been dancing with you."

She shook her head and finally, finally stepped closer and he held up a hand intending to thread his fingers through her hair but she caught his hand mid-air and linked her fingers with his and a line from Romeo and Juliet popped into his head, 'palm to palm as holy palmers kiss'. He remembered Morgana telling him that one of the themes of the play was love as a form of religion. He thought he could probably buy into that. He wrapped his other arm around her waist and the unlit cigarette slipped from his fingers and fell to the ground. She was trying to be careful and not press herself too firmly against him because he knew she didn't want to hurt him, he pulled her tight against himself and just held her, pressing a kiss to her forehead.


	51. Chapter 51

_Note: The song lyrics in italics are from the song Kiss From a Rose by Seal, I definitely do not own this song but it is an extremely awesome song and fits so well with this chapter. I hope this chapter isn't too terrible, I wrote it while I should have been working on my thesis._

Gaius's clinic/home was becoming extremely crowded, with two knights, a handcuffed queen (she was only allowed out of the handcuffs to go to the bathroom – supervised), a warlock and a high priestess. There wasn't really enough room for all of them especially considered both Merlin and Morgana were trying to do things they didn't want the other to know about. Morgana was trying to have phone calls with Morgause and trick her into believing she was still on her side, while Merlin was trying to complete the multiple spells to link himself to Arthur. And they were all trying to figure out what the hell to do with their wayward queen. Morgana had a few ideas but she was out voted. Their Gwaine imposed night of fun had been just what he'd said – one night. When they weren't trying to secretly complete their own plans, Merlin and Morgana were holed up somewhere together: the library, the bathroom, up against the fence in the backyard. She thought maybe they were just a little bit addicted to each other, she knew she was definitely addicted to him.

Gaius's library had definitely become her favourite place to spend her time. He had quite the extensive collection of books and not just medical or magical volumes but books on history and literature and music and she enjoyed roaming the shelves and pulling a random book of a shelf and sitting on the table and reading it. She spent hours in there. Once she'd found a book full of piano sheet music and she found herself wishing she knew how to play, how to read music she imagined it must be amazing to have access to this other language and the ability to make was transcribed on the paper come alive with a touch and press of a finger against ivory.

Sometimes she sat and drew, she'd gone into the village and spent a good part of a day picking out a sketchpad and pencils and then she'd wasted away what light was left of the day and outlined image after image. She drew Lancelot, Gwaine and Merlin sitting at the pub table deep in conversation, she then drew Merlin smiling at her, Gaius bent over a book, Merlin covered in deep cuts – that one she wasn't so fond of but the image wouldn't disappear from her mind. Gaius had even let her commandeer his old CD player and a pile of CDs and take it into the library so she could cocoon herself in her own little world. Her favourite drawing was one she'd done of Merlin as Romeo with a sky filled with stars above him.

She was in the middle of a drawing of Gwen as she wanted to remember her: sweet, loyal untouched by pain, smiling. She was smudging a curl around Gwen's face when the door opened and heavy footsteps stepped into the room and slammed the door. She looked up and smiled at Merlin. The smile fell away at the serious, somber expression on his face. He was watching her intently and she didn't understand why but she shifted uncomfortably under his scrutiny.

"What's wrong?" She asked, feeling a little on edge but unable to explain the reason for that feeling. He didn't answer her just shook his head and started pacing in front of her. Her mind flitted through all the possibilities for his agitated mood, had she done something? Was he about to break up with her? Which was ridiculous because they'd never said that they were together, not really. But…maybe he was done with her. Done with whatever this was.

"Merlin, has something happened?" She tried to keep the shaking out of her voice. He had no idea the power he held to hurt her and she didn't just mean physically. He glanced at her quickly and shook his head again; "I need you to do something for me, Morgana."

"Ok," she said slowly, was it that he didn't know how to ask for whatever it was he needed? But he already knew she'd do anything he asked of her.

"I need you to tell me…." His voice trailed off and she sat and waited as he paced some more.

"Merlin?"

"I need you to tell me you don't love me."

She blinked, stunned. She would do anything for him, anything he asked of her. Except that. She sat up straighter, prouder and stubbornly said, "No."

He froze, stopped his pacing and stared at her, an unhappy expression clouding his features, "Please Morgana, just tell me, it will make it easier if you don't love me so just tell me you don't."

She shook her head, "I can't."

He ran a hand through his hair and watched her as she watched him, he shook his head, "Fuck," he strode to the table, grabbed her by the hips and pulled her to the very edge and collided his lips with hers. There was nothing gentle about it and she wasn't quite ready for it but she welcomed it anyway. She didn't really understand what was going on but she decided to question it later. Right that moment, as his lips left hers and landed on her neck and she was fumbling to undo his shirt buttons and push the shirt off his shoulders and he was moving his hand up under the t-shirt she was wearing and his fingers were pushing her panties aside and were slipping into her, she just couldn't bring herself to care. She heard herself whisper his name as his fingers found a particularly tantalizing spot. She lifted a leg up over his hip, she couldn't get close enough to him, she couldn't get enough of him and as she worked on the button of his jeans she heard the song from the CD player through her haze and she thought the lyrics fit the moment perfectly, _You remain, my power, my pleasure, my pain, baby, to me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny, won't you tell me is that healthy, baby._ His lips left her neck as she got his jeans undone and pushed down and had her hand around him; it was his turn to whisper her name. He kissed her again, hungrily and pulled his fingers out of her and she whimpered missing the contact but it was soon replaced by him pulling her hand away from him and pushing himself into her. She lifted her leg higher on his hip to force him deeper and they groaned into each other's mouths. This felt different to every other time they'd done this, this felt urgent and his hands were everywhere, imprinting into her skin like he were memorizing every curve, committing her to his memory. He literary took her breath away but then he was making her scream his name and she clung to him and bit his shoulder and that single action pushed him over the edge.

It lasted forever and at the same time it was over far too soon and he was pulling out, backing away, pulling up his jeans and pulling her t-shirt down. He tucked her hair behind her ear, ran a finger down her cheek and took her chin his hand and pulled her to him for a lingering, spine tingling kiss, he pulled back pressing his forehead to hers, closing his eyes for a mere second then opened them and stared into hers, his mouth quirked up into a tiny smile, "I'll see you later, My Lady."

Then he was pushing away from her and it wasn't till he was at the door that she thought to call him back and ask where he was going he looked back over his shoulder at her, "Just going to get something in the village for Gaius."

She nodded, thought nothing of it and went back to her drawing. When she finally came out and wandered into the reception area, Gaius looked up from his book, frowned at her and said, "Where's Merlin?"

She shrugged, "He said he was going into the village to get something for you."

Gaius placed his book down and shook his head, "Morgana, I didn't ask him to get me anything."

Gwaine stopped spinning around in the receptionist chair and came over to join them, "Lancelot told me Morgana had asked them to get supplies for the muffins she was going to make for you Gaius."

The three of them looked at each other. "They must have got their wires crossed," Gaius said. But Merlin and Lancelot didn't come back that night. Or the next. Or the next and by the third night Morgana realized the reason it felt like Merlin had been memorizing her was because he had been. He had been saying goodbye to her without actually saying goodbye. By the fourth night when neither he nor Lancelot had answered any of their texts or calls and hadn't called them, she realized that they weren't coming back. At all. He'd left her and she had no idea why.


	52. Chapter 52

She watched the flames flicker and burn, the colours, the different shades of orange and red dance and blend together. She'd always found fire both terrifying and enchanting at the same time, she guessed it was because of its capacity to either provide warmth or to burn. She was in Gaius's backyard creating her own little bonfire and was throwing her drawings into the flames one by one; they were sitting in a little pile on the ground beside her each waiting for their turn. She watched as the fire scorched first the very edges of the pages and then slowly the paper curled and finally disappeared to nothing but ash. She thought there was probably some metaphor in there somewhere for the situation they were all in but she couldn't think of one. It had been over a week since Merlin and Lancelot had taken off without a word and they'd been fumbling around doing not much of anything. Except trying to talk Gwen out of her lunacy, they might as well have bashed their heads against a wall she was sure that would have the same effect. She wanted to try a little stronger method of persuasion on Gwen but Gaius wouldn't allow it, though Gwaine didn't seem entirely opposed to the idea.

She felt more than saw someone sit down on the cold grass beside her, "That's quite the fire you've got there," Gwaine said softly.

She shrugged, "Just trying to purge myself of some things."

Gwaine made a noncommittal noise and picked up one of her drawings and studied it, "You know tossing these into the flames isn't going to exorcise you of him."

She shrugged, she knew that but it was worth a shot, "I just need to get him out of my system, it's clear he got me out of his."

Gwaine continued to stare down at her drawings, "How's that working out for you?"

She sighed, "Not so great. It was so much more simple when we hated each other."

Gwaine chuckled softly, "No it wasn't, you just thought it was."

"Yeah." She pulled her gaze away from the fire and studied Gwaine's profile, "What are we going to do about Gwen?"

He shrugged, "Not sure there is much we can do."

Morgana looked back at the fire and a small spark of an idea dawned on her, "We need to break her."

"What?"

She nodded suddenly feeling like she had it, "We need to break her, when you torture someone you keep going until they break and comply."

Gwaine grinned, "Not sure Gaius is going to let you torture her."

She shook her head, "I don't mean we actually torture her but maybe we need to flood her mind with the good memories until she is so overwhelmed by them."

Gwaine groaned, "More talking?"

"No, what if we could force her to actually see them?"

"Any idea how to do that?"

Morgana slowly smiled, "Yeah, actually I think I do. What if I could force my good memories of Camelot, of Arthur, of her and Merlin into her mind?"

Gwaine quirked a brow at her, "Do you have any?"

"Of course I do." She'd just really need to concentrate on them and not allow the more hateful memories to slip in.

"And how exactly would you achieve that?"

"Morgause once told me about a potion to open someone's mind so that you could corrupt it and insert thoughts and images into their mind. I still remember how to make it, maybe we could get Gaius to help us tweak it so it is less….."

"Villainous? Evil? Queen of the damnedish?"

She nudged him and smiled, "Yeah, something like that. What do you think?"

"It could work. But what if it doesn't?"

She shrugged, "Worse case scenario we're back where we started but we can't lose anything by trying."

Gwaine pushed himself to his feet, offered her his hand and helped her up, "Right then, let's go see if we can put Gwen back into her right mind," he paused and picked up her pile of drawings, "And no more burning these, they're fucking masterpieces."

She rolled her eyes and held out a hand and said a little incantation to make the fire die down and fizzle out, she didn't want to infuriate Gaius by burning down his back fence and half the neighbourhood. She followed Gwaine back inside where he was already discussing her idea, Gaius raised his brow in her direction and went to a book flipping through the pages, "It could be down, you'd have to take the potion as well to open your mind up to her."

"Ok once we've made it how do we get her royal highness to drink it? She'd not going to take it willingly," Gwaine pointed out.

"We shove it down her throat," Morgana said, they both shot her a look and she held up her hands and amended, "In the nicest, most gentle way possible."

They exchanged a look and Gaius cleared his throat, "Right. Well, I'll go get to work on this, then."

She nodded and decided to head back to the library, she heard Gwaine following behind her, he stopped in the doorway leaning against the frame, "You want to talk about it?"

She shrugged and avoided his gaze; instead perching on the edge of the table and opened her copy of Romeo and Juliet eyeing the inscription Merlin had put there, "Talk about what?"

"Merlin. Morgause. How you're going to kill yourself. How Merlin is linking his immortal life to Arthur's. How we're going to mess with Gwen's head. Literally. Take your pick."

She shrugged, "What's to talk about? Merlin's gone. Morgause is using me like she apparently did once before. All of our plans could go horribly wrong, but I don't want to talk about the possibility that they won't work, that I might stay dead, really dead."

"Right. Avoidance it is then," He turned and started to walk away.

"Can I have my drawings back?" She called after him; he turned and smirked at her, "Not a chance, Morgana, not if you're just going to destroy them."

She sighed and settled back on the table deciding to read Romeo and Juliet again and try not to see the parallels between it and her own life. She was deeply engrossed in the play when Gwaine reappeared in the doorway, "Gaius has done the potion, he's slipped it into a cup of tea for Gwen."

She placed her book down and sighed, she didn't think they'd be doing it quite so soon but she supposed no time like the present, she stood up, "Is she drinking it?"

"Yeah, she's almost finished the whole cup. You're up." He handed her a vial of what she assumed was the potion and she downed it in one go.

She followed him to the reception area and stood looking at Gwen, if this didn't work, what would be their next plan? Gwen looked up at Morgana and smiled, it was a smile that held none of the sweetness of the girl she'd once known, it was one of malice.

"He's not going to come back. Ever."

Morgana narrowed her eyes, "What does that mean?" she paused and took a menacing step towards Gwen, "What did you do?"

Gwen shook her head, "I just did what you couldn't do. Or wouldn't. I told him about Morgause, about how you're working with her again about how you haven't really changed."

Morgana lunged forward but was caught around the waist by Gwaine, she glared at Gwen, "You didn't tell him the truth. You told him your idea of the truth, they're two very different things."

"I did you a favour, really, now you don't have to pretend to care about him."

Morgana moved forward, breaking free of the hold Gwaine had on her and grabbed Gwen's face in her hands and stared into her eyes forcing the connection. Gwen struggled against her but she was really no match for Morgana. Morgana pulled forth memories of Arthur. Of when Merlin had first come to Camelot and Morgana had been envious of the fast friendship he and Gwen had forged. She portrayed her perspective of the loyalty he showed Gwen and Arthur, the friendship he offered her. She showed all the ways Merlin had saved Arthur from an untimely death before any of them realized that was what he was doing, how he saved them all from her, how he'd stayed loyal to his future king and queen. She showed Gwen the moments of friendship between them all. She showed her the way Merlin had mourned Arthur all these years, the guilt he had, the way he mourned them all, the way he searched for them all, the way he missed them. She showed Gwen everything.

When the memories became too much for even Morgana she ripped herself away and watched as Gwen cried big fat, streaming tears. Morgana wiped her own away and backed away as Gwen started sobbing and hiccupping. She was turning away when Gwen's uncuffed hand whipped out and clutched Morgana's hand in her own. Morgana stood and held Gwen's hand as she cried and caught the eye of both Gaius and Gwaine who raised their brows not really sure if what they had done worked or not.

Morgana's phone started ringing in her pocket and she pulled her fingers from Gwen's grasp to answer it, "Hello?"

"Sister," Morgause breathed, "It's time."

Morgana froze. That could only mean one thing, "Arthur's rising?"

"Yes. Soon our revenge will be complete. You know what you need to do? You need to get Merlin where we want him."

Morgana nodded and saw Gaius and Gwaine inching closer, listening to her side of the conversation intently, "When?"

"Arthur will rise in three day's time. I have it to the exact second. Arthur will walk out of the water at exactly eight fifteen in the evening. Three days time, Morgana."

"That is precise."

She could almost hear Morgause's smile, "In three days we will have the revenge, and the retribution we have been so craving for so long. Be at Avalon, Morgana. Don't be late." And Morgause hung up on her.

She raised her gaze to meet first Gaius's and then Gwaine's, "We have three days."

They nodded but no one said a word, the only sound in the room was Gwen's sobbing. Morgana turned and walked back to the library not sure what exactly it was she was feeling. She was numb. She sat back on the table and stared at her phone. He wouldn't answer if she called. But she had to. She pressed on his name on her screen and pressed the phone to her ear, it went straight to voicemail so she left a message and hoped he'd listen to it, "Arthur is rising. Three days time. Friday eight fifteen pm, be there if you want to see your king alive."


	53. Chapter 53

"We need to bind your magic," Gaius stated as he brewed a pot of tea. Morgana and Gwaine exchanged a glance, she shook her head and said, "I'm sorry, what?"

"We need to bind your magic." Gaius repeated.

Morgana nodded, "That's what I thought you said."

"Why would you think it would be a good idea to bind her powers? Won't she need them against Morgause?" Gwaine said what she thought was really stating the obvious. She'd be no good against Morgause if she tried something if she didn't have her own magic.

"Yes, but Morgause is feeding off Morgana's magic she has none of her own. The Gods felt she had missed used it in her previous life so she has been reincarnated without any of her own. She still has the capacity for magic but she has needed to channel Morgana's to access it. Without Morgana's magic she would be truly mortal."

She supposed it make a kind of sense, that Morgause was linked to her through everything: blood and magic and immortality. But was it just a theory? A hint of an idea? They couldn't very well place their bets on a hunch. If Gaius was wrong and they bound her magic she would be of no use to anyone, she would be completely vulnerable. They all would be.

Gwaine crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his gaze at Gaius, "How did you come to this conclusion? Where are you getting your information, Gaius?"

Gaius smiled in a way that suggested he'd been keeping a secret; "I spoke to Kilgharrah."

Well. She wasn't expecting that. Definitely wasn't expecting that. She jumped down from the counter she was sitting on, "You spoke to Kilgharrah?"

"Yes."

"This century?"

"Last night actually." So that was where Gaius had snuck off to while they were still dealing with a crying, sobbing, hysterical Gwen. Who hadn't uttered a word yet.

"You spoke to the dragon?" Gwaine reiterated, and she smiled, it seemed she wasn't the only one having trouble wrapping their head around the concept of Gaius having a conversation with a dragon.

Gaius sighed in exasperation, "Yes, I did. Morgana's not the only one who can stand in a field yelling at the sky threatening Merlin's wellbeing."

She nodded, "It's true Merlin is the only thing that old dragon truly cares about."

"So, we bind Morgana's magic."

"Yes."

"Ok," Morgana said, "But we need a backup plan. There are a lot of what ifs. We are pinning our hopes on a lot of factors that may not work. What if Merlin can't link Arthur to himself and what if Morgause isn't as linked to me as we think? What if I kill myself and for whatever reason the antidote doesn't work and I stay dead?"

There were just too many variables that could go wrong. There were no guarantees. Arthur could rise just to end up dead, she could stay dead, and Morgause could kill Merlin. They needed something better than hope.

"You're going to kill yourself?" They turned to the voice in the doorway. Gwen. They'd let her out of the cuffs because all she was doing was sitting on the couch and crying and not speaking. Morgana rolled her eyes as Gwen burst into tears again. She wasn't sure if the memory theory had worked or not but now Gwen seemed less angry and more devastated. Morgana thought she might have preferred the bitter anger.

Gwaine sidled up to Gwen and patted her arm awkwardly; "She'll only be dead for a minute or two, nothing to worry about."

Well, really there was plenty to worry about. They now only had two days left and she was starting to feel agitated, she was putting a lot of trust in Gwaine to give her the antidote and trust that Gaius had made it correctly, sure they'd tested it on Gwaine but what if it didn't work on her?

Gwaine had pulled Gwen into his side and she seemed to be clinging to him so it looked like they were having this conversation with Gwen listening in. Morgana walked over to them and pulled Gwen's phone out of her pocket, "Just in case she decides to seek out my sister."

She thought Gwen really had lost her mind just a little bit and she felt sorry for that but that didn't mean she trusted her.

"So back up plan?" Gwaine asked.

They didn't have a whole lot of options, really she couldn't think of a damn thing. Gaius would be staying behind in case any of them needed medical attention when they came back. If they came back. Gwaine would be with her, hopefully administrating the antidote. Arthur would at least have his sword but he would be disoriented and confused. Lancelot would be with Merlin. Merlin had his magic.

"Eight fifteen?" Morgana asked, "Is that when Arthur wakes up or when he reaches the shore? Morgause just said he would rise then but it could be either."

Gaius nodded, starting to see why Morgana was going with her line of thought, "If it's when he wakes up, then you could kill yourself before he even reaches the shore."

"But we can't know for sure." She said, pointing out the obvious, "How long do we think it would take him to rise and walk through the water?"

"It really all depends." Gwaine stated still holding onto Gwen who looked a little calmer.

"On what?" Morgana asked.

"How long he takes to wake up, how fast he walks, how long his strides are, how many steps he takes per second or per minute." Gwen said with a sniffle and they all looked at her.

"So, perhaps we should be there significantly earlier, do we think Morgause would also do the same?" Gaius asked directing the question toward Morgana.

She nodded, "Without a doubt, Morgause won't want to leave anything to chance."

"We need to also make sure Merlin gets there earlier too," Gwaine pointed out. And once again they all looked to her. She sighed; she guessed she was making another unanswered phone call to Merlin.

"Fine, I'll call him," she said hoping to move onto the next point of discussion but they all stared at her expectantly, "You want me to call him now?"

Gwaine smirked at her, "No time like the present."

She cursed under her breath but still pulled out her phone and scrolled to her contacts and pressed his name, she listened to the ringing expecting it to go straight to voicemail.

"Hello?" she hadn't expected Lancelot to answer. Right then.

"Lancelot?" she didn't wait for a response, "When Arthur rises you need to be there before eight fifteen, we're not sure if he's going to be at the shore then or if that's the time he actually wakes up so just get Merlin there."

She heard Lancelot sigh, "Morgana, if this is a trick or a trap…."

"It's not," she snaps, "But it's your choice. And his, if you both don't want to see Arthur again, then don't come."

Another sigh, "We'll be there. But Morgana if Merlin is right about you, if you are working with Morgause, if you are the reason behind all this, if Merlin is harmed in any way, I will kill you myself."

"I'm not."

"I really hope not."


	54. Chapter 54

_Note: I'm not entirely happy with this one but here it is. Next chapter will be from Merlin's pov. :)_

"How do you feel?" Both Gaius and Gwaine were squinting at her as if they expected she'd suddenly look significantly different. Gwen was peering over their shoulders, finally stopping crying. It was the day of reckoning as Morgana had taken to calling it in her mind. They were all on edge, Gwaine kept mumbling that he wished he had a sword and if she were honest she kind of wished he'd had one too. She had a dagger to plunge into her own chest but that wouldn't help the rest of them too much if every other element of their plan failed.

She shook her head, it was hard to describe, she felt fine but at the same time she definitely felt as if something were missing, "I feel fine but not."

Gaius and Gwaine exchanged a look, "Well, see if you can use your magic," Gaius suggested. She shrugged and held out her hand and said an incantation. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. Which was probably just as well since she'd said the incantation to start a fire. She'd owe Gaius more than muffins if she set his whole place a light. She still owed him for the library window which Gwaine, Lancelot and Merlin had attempted to patch up.

"Try again," Gwaine urged, "Just to make sure it wasn't a fluke."

She shrugged and tried again but still nothing happened, "I think it's safe to say my magic is bound."

She briefly wondered if binding her magic would stop Arthur from rising but Morgause had told her she'd already lifted the spell keeping him from rising so it was just a matter of him waking up. She hoped her brother would not be early.

Gwaine held up a vial, "Time for a taste of mortality." He said it as a joke but his face was devoid of any trace of humour. She eyed the vial, now was the moment of truth, did she trust them enough to restore her to her state of immortality?

"Better hope I don't get killed between here and Avalon," she said as she slowly took the vial from Gwaine, "Especially considering Gwaine's driving."

"Nothing wrong with my driving."

"That's definitely debatable. How long do we have after I die to bring me back?"

She wanted to make sure they all knew and was on the same page. She wanted to make sure they all were in sync and on the same page.

"I wouldn't risk any longer than fifteen minutes," Gaius said looking sternly at Gwaine since Gwaine would be the one to administer the antidote.

"You have my word, I won't fail." Gwaine stated and in that moment he was very much the knight he'd once been. She nodded and pulled the stopper out of the vial and as she brought it up to her lips she wondered if this was just a little bit too Romeo and Juliet. She tossed the potion back in one go and they all watched her.

"We've got no way of knowing if that worked." Gwaine stated.

She shook her head, "Not until I stab myself."

"Then let's get this show on the road, My Lady, can't keep our King Arthur waiting," Gwaine said as he led the way out. Gaius didn't say anything as they walked out. She wondered if he was thinking this was the last time he'd see her alive. She paused in front of Gwen and tried for a smile for her old friend, "One way or another, Arthur's coming." She said and turned and went to meet Gwaine at the car without waiting for Gwen to say anything. She got into the car beside Gwaine. They sat there for a moment, neither saying anything, then he looked at her, "You sure about this, Morgana?"

She swallowed and nodded, "Yes. Let's just get it done. My life is in your hands, Gwaine, you could let me die. I just want you to know that I understand if you decide not to give me the antidote." She couldn't meet his eye as she spoke but she wanted him to know that she wouldn't hold it against him if letting her die would be his revenge for all she'd done. He reached out and gripped her chin and forced her to look at him, "There's only one person dying permanently tonight, and it's not you."

She nodded and he dropped his hand from her chin and started the car, her gaze fell to the clock on the dashboard: 7:30. Time to see her brother again. Time to kill her sister. Time to keep Merlin alive. Time to die.

They drove in silence, each lost in their own thoughts, Gwaine's hands fidgeted on the steering wheel, and she drummed a little tune out on her knee. She was so wound up that if she had access to her magic she was sure something would have exploded by now. She wondered what Merlin was doing, wondered if he'd done his own spells to ensure Arthur's survival, she wondered what he was thinking.

They arrived at the lake and were stepping out of the car when Lancelot and Merlin pulled up beside them. Merlin didn't even look at her. Gwaine and Morgana walked up the path leading to the little clearing where she'd previously met Morgause. She gazed out at the lake and stopped short when she noticed a figure waist deep in the water. A figure wearing chain mail. A figure she hadn't seen in over a thousand years but was now very much alive. She swiped at her eyes to get rid of the tears collecting there and took a deep breath. There'd be time for family reunions and emotion later. She just hoped she'd get a later.

"Well, she's let him rise," she heard Lancelot say to Merlin behind her, "Do you really think Morgana will try to kill him. Again?"

She didn't turn back, didn't acknowledge that she could hear them, just kept walking. She could see the blonde figure of Morgause and she felt a pang at what she was going to do to her. It was the ultimate betrayal. She came to a stop in front of Morgause who smirked at her and she allowed her to pull her into a hug, "Sister, well done, you've got everyone here."

That shoreline of the lake became a battlefield divided, on one side was Morgause and reluctantly Morgana with Gwaine off to the side while on the other were Merlin and Lancelot.

"You won't get what you've come for, Morgause," Merlin said darkly.

Morgause smirked and held up her hand to summon Arthur's sword to her, "Oh, I think I will. Morgana and I have waited eons for this moment."

Morgana exchanged a glance with Gwaine as she waited for Morgause to say the incantation that would under normal circumstances send Arthur's sword flying into her hand. This was the test. This would determine the way everything went. Morgana held her breath and lightly touched the dagger that rested against her skin where it was tugged into the waistband of her jeans. Merlin stepped forward just as Morgause said the incantation and nothing happened. Morgause stared at her hand.

Gwaine laughed bitterly, "That's what happens when you try to use borrowed power, it eventually runs out."

Morgause screamed and turned to Morgana, "Do something! Get the sword. Use your magic against them!"

Morgana stepped away from Morgause but not closer to Merlin and Lancelot, "I can't." she said just as Gwaine said, "Don't even think about it, Merlin."

She turned her head and saw Merlin raising his own hand at her but he faltered for moment. Morgause stepped towards Morgana and Gwaine got between them, "Now, Morgana, do it now."

She pulled the dagger out of her waistband and turned to look at Merlin, dagger held up, Lancelot stepped slightly in front of Merlin putting himself between her and Merlin. She briefly looked out at the lake, at Arthur getting closer.

"Morgana, what are you doing? Kill them!" Morgause was yelling as Gwaine was holding her back.

"I'm sorry," she breathed, not entirely sure who she was apologizing to and for what. She raised the dagger and before anyone realized what she was doing or could stop her, she swiftly buried it in her chest. She heard screaming and felt herself slipping to the ground. Arms caught her before she hit the ground. She couldn't breath. The last thing she thought before everything disappeared was that it hadn't hurt as much as she thought.


	55. Chapter 55

One minute he was watching Arthur walk out of the water, the next Morgana was plunging a dagger into her chest. What the hell was she doing? She was immortal. She couldn't die. Unless the dagger was made of the dragon's breath. But she wouldn't. Would she? He watched frozen to the spot as she gasped, struggling for breathe, and she started a slow descent to the ground, Lancelot pushed past him and caught her just before she hit the ground and sat with her cradled in his arms. Gwaine held Morgause back as she tried to get to Morgana. She was covered in blood as if her life were literally leaking out of her. He clenched his fists. Lancelot looked up at him, "She's dead," he uttered quietly, disbelief in his tone. Morgause screamed.

That was the moment Merlin's control shattered, he closed his eyes, tears suddenly blurring his vision, he opened them again and sent Morgause flying out of Gwaine's clutch. He strode forward and towered over her, "What did you do?!"

She narrowed her eyes and glared up at him, "What did I do? I did nothing! You're the one always killing her!" Her tone was filled with the venom he remembered, he bent and wrapped a hand around her throat and lifted her up.

"You will fix this!" He ground out dangerously, she opened her mouth to spit something at him but then gasped as a sword ran her through. Excalibur. Merlin stumbled away from Morgause and stared at Arthur now standing on the shore, sword in hand. King and Warlock stared at each other for the first time in over a thousand years. It should have been the happiest moment in the entirety of his existence. He blinked, swiped his tears away and turned away from Arthur and went back to Morgana. Gwaine was now crutched beside her as well fumbling for something in his pocket. Merlin pushed him away, "No, stay away from her," he stated shakily as he pushed Lancelot away as well and stumbled to the ground taking Morgana in his own arms, he clutched her to him, getting covered in her blood. He felt Lancelot put a hand on his shoulder. A silent gesture of comfort.

"Merlin, you have to let me see her," Gwaine said coming toward them.

"No!" he screamed and sent Gwaine flying back, "You can't have her. She's mine, even in death she's mine."

Gwaine sat up from the spot where he landed and glared at Merlin, "Oh she's yours? Five minutes ago you thought she was in cohoots with Morgause and now she's yours."

He shook his head and raised his arm to send Gwaine flying back again but a commanding voice stopped him, "Let her go, Merlin, that's an order."

He raised watery eyes to Arthur, shocked he'd spoken, shocked he wasn't freaking out about this new world, shocked he thought he could still order Merlin about. He tightened his grip on Morgana in defiance. Arthur shook his head, "Now, Merlin."

Merlin shook his head, "No."

Gwaine glared at him, "She's dead but she isn't. She doesn't have to stay dead. We made her mortal hoping if she killed herself it would kill Morgause as well." He pulled a vial out of his pocket and held it up, "I have to give her this and she'll be immortal again."

He stared from Gwaine to Arthur, looked down at Morgana, still reluctant to let her go but then Lancelot was putting his hands under his arms, lifting him up and forcing him to loosen his grip. Gwaine nodded and came toward Morgana and poured the potion into her mouth, held her mouth closed and forced her to swallow. "We tested it on me and it took a little while for me to wake up, so not sure how long she'll take. We should get her back to Gaius's."

Gwaine moved to picked her up but Merlin pulled out of Lancelot's grip and pushed him away, picking her up himself, "Let's go."

They walked down the path back to the cars, he could hear Lancelot behind them explaining to Arthur about cars, he heard Arthur laugh, "Yes, thank you, Lancelot, I am aware of what a car is. I may have been dead but I was still watching everything."

Merlin couldn't think about that at the moment, just got into the backseat of Gwaine's car as Gwaine held the door open, he positioned Morgana so she was in his lap. He wasn't letting her go for anything or anyone. He held her the entire drive to Gaius's and ignored the looks Gwaine shot him in the rearview mirror.

He strode into the reception area with them all closely behind him, he ignored Gwen's shocked gasp and tears as she focused on Arthur, he couldn't be happy for their reunion, he wasn't sure Gwen was the same Gwen Arthur had loved. They'd all changed while he remained the same.

Merlin lowered Morgana down onto the couch and finally released his grip on her, as Gaius looked her over. He backed away, taking a shaking breath and leaned against the wall.

"Now what?" Lancelot asked as he came into the room, Gaius looked up and said somberly, "Now we wait."

"I wouldn't get too close to her, sire," Gwaine said eying Arthur who was sidling up to Gwen, "Your Queen has turned a little nutty, she tortured Merlin."

Merlin sighed; Gwaine couldn't have tread a little gentler around that subject? They were going to have to explain the workings of the modern time to Arthur; he just didn't think they should start with Gwen's adventures in torture. He decided to divert the attention away from the wayward Gwen and back to the more pressing issue at hand, "Could someone please explain to me what the hell just happened?"

"Really, Merlin," Arthur spoke up and they all turned to him wide eyed, "You listened to your pet dragon and believed Morgana was stopping me from rising – which she really wasn't – then you kicked her out, she came to Gaius and Gwaine and they all concocted a plan to turn her mortal to kill herself and take Morgause with her since Morgause had linked herself to Morgana and was using Morgana's magic to remain alive and immortal. Morgana then gave you the idea to link yourself to me – which you did – making me immortal. Then Morgana, Gaius and Gwaine bound her magic so Morgause couldn't use it." When they all just gaped at Arthur he shrugged, "What? I told you, I've been watching. It's a good thing too because none of you communicate or pay attention to each other."

Merlin blinked and turned his gaze back to Morgana, Gaius was dabbing at her wound, and he'd started the day prepared to kill her. Again. He'd come to terms with it; he wasn't prepared to watch her kill herself. Gaius turned his gaze on him, "Merlin, the fact is you listen to the wrong people, myself included sometimes."

He said nothing just leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. They were all quiet, all waiting for the girl on the couch to wakeup. All hoping she _would_ wake up. When her magic and her life came back to her, he felt it. He couldn't explain it; he just felt it in his very being. His eyes flew open and he watched her still form intently. She gasped and flew up in a sitting position, struggling to catch her breath, her hand clutching at her chest, Gaius coached her to take deep breaths. Once her breathing regulated again, she held onto Gaius's arms and whispered, "Merlin."


	56. Chapter 56

Morgana was tired. So incredibly tired. Who knew stabbing yourself in the chest would make you so bone achingly tired. Although, it could have something to do with the whole dying and coming back to life thing. She didn't know how long she slept but she vaguely remembered waking up and seeing Arthur, Gwaine and Lancelot sleeping on the floor beside her. Merlin was nowhere in sight. Every time she drifted in and out of consciousness, Merlin was nowhere to be seen. She bolted upright when the sound of banging and crashing and things being thrown around. She blinked herself back into consciousness and though her chest ached she felt more like herself. Slowly, she stood up feeling slightly unstable on her feet, she swayed a little and she held onto the arm of the couch until she felt steadier. She walked down the hallway to the source of whatever the commotion was, it appeared it was coming from the library, she narrowed her eyes and jumped slightly as it sounded like something hit a wall. Hard. She pushed the door open and widened her eyes at the sight that met her, she walled in just in time to see Merlin scream and flip over the table.

"What the hell are you doing, Merlin?" Morgana said, her voice felt rough like sandpaper had been shoved down her throat and she wanted to lie down again but Merlin was ripping apart Gaius's library so she would remain upright and try to talk some reason into him. He froze and looked over his shoulder at her for a moment. He strode to her, grabbed her wrist, pulled her into the room and shoved the door closed. He grabbed her by the upper arms, his fingers digging in a little painfully and shoved her into the wall. Her back hit the wall and ached a little from the contact. He held her there and shook her hard, "What the hell were you thinking?" He asked, his voice all low and growly and just the way she liked it. It was the voice that made her body clench and her toes curl. She didn't respond and the fire in his eyes intensified and he shook her again with more force, "Answer me!"

"What was I thinking about what?" Everything ached before but with his hands on her, everything burned. His grip tightened on her and she wanted to tell him to keep tightening just to let her know she was definitely alive.

"You fucking killed yourself! You died! With no idea if the antidote would work or not! How could you be so fucking stupid?"

Somehow, despite how good his hands felt on her skin she managed to find her own anger and shoved him away, not missing the spark of pure magic ignited between their skin as they separated. She shoved him again for good measure.

"I was trying to keep you alive! I was trying to keep you whole! As usual for me, every comes back round to you!"

He closed the gap between them and grabbed her face in his hands, it was a hold that was far too rough, far too tight to ever be considered tender, he bent and looked into her eyes as he growled, "You don't die for me. Ever."

She wrapped her hands around his wrists and held onto them for a split second then pushed him away and shrugged, "Romeo and Juliet did it."

"Fucking hell. Romeo and Juliet? They're not real! They should not be your role models for expressions of love!"

"What does it matter, it worked, I'm fine."

He groaned, picked up a book and threw it at the wall, it hit and bounced off, landing on the floor and Morgana tried not to think about it's crumpled up pages as he screamed at her, "It might not have! You could have stayed dead!"

She shook her head and sighed, "What do you want me to say, Merlin? That I won't do it again? I probably will."

He looked at her with anger, reproach and a hint of disappointment, "You should have told me. We would have found another way." He was always telling her they'd find another way but they never did.

"When? You're always too busy believing I'm betraying you and then skulking off to summon whatever strength you need to kill me."

"Morgana…." He stood in the middle of destruction he'd caused and looked utterly defeated. She wanted the anger back it was easier to deal with.

"No. Don't," Now, she closed the distance between them, wanting to touch him but stopping herself, "Why are you always so quick to believe I'm going to betray you?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "I don't know."

She echoed his sigh and her body ached and she was just so damn tired, "That's not good enough." She reached out and clutched his shirt in her fingers; it was because she couldn't _not_ touch him. It was a little bit because she was starting to feel a little unsteady. "Merlin, a girl who is so traumatized from losing the love of her life and then being reborn over again that it caused her to go a little bit nuts, a girl who used you as a glorified pin cushion told you Morgause was back and that I was working with her and you believed her. Why is that?"

Another sigh and he closed his eyes blocking her from see all that was going on behind those blue orbs, "I don't know."

It was in that second, that moment, that sigh, that she realized that everything and nothing had changed. "I do," she whispered and his eyes flew open and he watched her with confusion. She bit her lip, looked down then looked back up at him, "It's because she's your friend, your Queen and Arthur is your King. Gwaine and Lancelot are Knights of Camelot and Gaius is your father figure."

"Morgana…." Why did he have to keep saying her name like that? It made it difficult for her to think.

She shook her head and took a step back needing the distance to clear her head, "You and me, we're going to live forever. And they've all been reborn. Arthur's here. It's been a thousand years and the world has changed in so many ways but we're still constantly stuck in the roles we once filled. You don't trust me."

He shook his head, "That's not true."

"It is. I trust you with everything and anything, I literally died for you, I betrayed my sister for you. I belong to you entirely but you still belong to Camelot. You still belong to Arthur, you'll always choose him."

He didn't say anything, just stared at her like she was the one thing he wanted but couldn't have. Wouldn't allow himself to have. She realized she couldn't keep competing with the kingdom of Camelot. Camelot may be physically gone but it still remained, Camelot was Arthur, Gwen, Gwaine and Lancelot and she couldn't hope to win Merlin away. It was a heartbreaking revelation and she felt the familiar sting of tears but she blinked them away, she would cry later. She would cry for her Romeo later. She might not be his Juliet, but he was her Romeo.

"We're done," She said with more strength and conviction than she felt and he just watched her, frowning like he had no idea what she was on about.

"What?"

She gestured between them, "This. Whatever the hell this is, it's done, it's finished. I can't do this anymore."

"Morgana are you breaking up with me?"

"That would imply we actually have something to break." She said as she walked toward him and started unbuttoning his shirt as she rose up on her toes to softly kiss him.

He pulled away and frowned, "What are you doing?" he asked even as he pulled her closer.

"I'm saying goodbye. You should recognize the move, you taught me it," she said as she pushed him backward and followed him.

Afterward, once she'd pulled her clothes back into place, she made sure she was the one to walk out of the room, the one to leave him behind. She walked out to the backyard, tears already threatening to fall. Gwaine was sitting on the ground and he looked at her as she sat down beside him, tears sliding down her cheek, "Hey, what happened?" he asked her, not even a hint of humour in his voice.

She swallowed in an attempt to temper the tears, "Merlin." Her voice caught and hitched on his name. Gwaine looked at her with an expression of sympathy, "He's not worth your tears. He doesn't deserve you."

His kind words just made her cry harder; he threw his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to him, "Oh, hell. It's ok, you just have yourself a good old cry."


	57. Chapter 57

_Note: This is a teeny tiny chapter but I am working on more and am going somewhere with this, it's not quite over_

"You all need to leave," Gaius said, as he had them all gathered in his reception area, "Now that the immediate threat is over, you all need to get on with your lives."

"You want us gone, Gaius?" Lancelot asked with a slight smile.

"Not that I don't enjoy having you all here but it's time to get on with things, you need to get on with the lives you've created or learn to make new ones." Gaius said with a pointed look at Arthur. "Gwen is staying here, she's not readying for you Arthur, she'll stay here and we'll help her heal."

Morgana watched as the newly risen King of Camelot folded his arms across his chest and surveyed what was left of his kingdom, the subjects who remained, he looked at his broken Queen and then nodded slowly, "Fine. I will return with Merlin to his home."

Morgana resisted the urge to roll her eyes, of course Arthur would fall back into the King/servant relationship he had with Merlin. And she bet Merlin would slip back into it just as easily – though she didn't think he'd ever really left it behind. So, Merlin, Arthur and probably Lancelot would go back to Merlin's flat. Gwen and Gwaine would remain but what of her? What would she do? Could she go back to her own flat and University and hope to avoid Merlin?

"So, we all just go our separate ways?" Merlin asked and she could hear his disgruntled feelings towards Gaius's plan.

"No, Merlin, we will have weekly dinners here. We stay in contact. No one slips through the cracks," Gaius said with a stern look in Merlin's direction. Morgana felt once more that she was on the fringes of the society that was Camelot; once more she felt that she was not part of the inner workings of the group that she'd been left out of the planning. She was avoiding Merlin's eye as much as he was avoiding hers, she was also avoiding Gwaine's since she'd cried all over him which was embarrassing. She was thinking about slipping out, about tip toeing out and catching a train, packing up all her stuff and starting a new life.

"Morgana," Gaius started, "Those stitches you did on Merlin are almost perfect. Just shy of being textbook."

She frowned, bit her lip and nodded, "Thank you?"

She wasn't really comfortable with that kind of compliment wasn't comfortable now that all eyes were on her. She could feel Merlin's gaze on hers, could feel the curiosity of their gazes on her as they wondered where Gaius was going with this.

"How would you feel about working for me? I would sponsor you to attend a nursing course. That is if you would want that, of course."

Morgana stared at Gaius, shocked by the offer, by what he was proposing. He was offering her the chance of a job, a career, of a purpose, of an actual life. She didn't know what to do with that. Except to rush forward and put her arms around Gaius in an awkward hug. She pulled away and offered him a shaky smile.

"Thank you, Gaius, I would love that," she said softly.

She backed away and went back to her spot by the wall, she was already fantasying about turning the library into her own personal bedroom, she could be surrounded by books all the time, all that knowledge just waiting there for her to take. She caught Merlin's eye just as he turned and walked out the door. She edged around the group as they continued to discuss what everyone was going to do, what day of the week would be best for everyone to have a nice little family dinner. She followed Merlin outside and propped herself against the wall beside where he was lighting up a cigarette. He didn't glance her way, "Are you seriously going to stay here, Morgana?"

"Yes."

He sighed, "What do I have to say to change your mind about you and me?"

She shook her head, pushed away from the wall and headed back towards the door, "You can't say anything, Merlin, sometimes words aren't enough."


	58. Chapter 58

"You are a complete and utter idiot," Gwaine said pointedly to Merlin as they took their seats on the train. Merlin sighed and wondered exactly why Gwaine was coming with them. He knew why Morgana wasn't, she couldn't stand to be anywhere near him. He needed a drink, preferably something with a high alcohol percentage.

Arthur said under his breath as he looked around the train fascinated, "Some things never change."

Merlin glared at his King, "Yeah? Well at least I'm not a clotpole dollophead."

"Those are two completely things, Merlin, you can't mix them," Arthur said with a smirk.

Merlin rolled his eyes, "They're my words. I made them up, I can mix them up all I fucking like."

Arthur shook his head, "You really haven't changed at all Merlin."

Oh, if you only knew, Arthur, Merlin thought. Arthur had no idea. Gwaine leaned forward, elbows on knees, "Don't you even want to know why I'm calling you an idiot?"

"I'm guessing," Merlin said wearily, "That it has something to do with Morgana. Even though, it's really not any of your business."

"It became my business when she cried all over me." Gwaine stated not letting up on the subject. Though, Merlin really wished he would.

"She ended it, not me." He pointed out. Why couldn't everyone just leave him alone? He knew he'd fucked up; he didn't need every person's personal interpretation of the situation. He rubbed at the scars on his wrist. He needed something to take the edge off. He sighed as Gwaine continued to watch him, "Fine, why am I an idiot?"

"Besides the obvious?" Arthur said.

Gwaine rolled his eyes and continued as if Arthur hadn't said anything, "You can't keep your hands off her but you don't have any faith in the girl to not betray you or to do the right thing."

"Well, given Morgana's history," Arthur said with a raise of his brows. Merlin found himself glaring at the King he'd been waiting so long for. He wasn't the only one whose glare was directed at Arthur.

"With all due respect, Sire, you have no idea what you're talking about. It's been over a thousand years. Things are different. She's different."

Merlin heard Lancelot sigh tiredly beside him, "He was just trying to protect his King, Gwaine."

"That's the thing though, Arthur's not the King, he'll always be our king but he's not really the king of anything anymore. Here, now, we're all equals, no longer king and his knights and servant. It's time to start adjusting to that."

"That type of talk is treason, Gwaine," Arthur said as the train came to a stop. They all stood up and made their way outside.

Gwaine shook his head, "Not anymore it's not."

Merlin stopped in the middle of the street, "Fine. What do you want me to do then? My whole existence has been dedicated to Arthur's protection and then to his rising."

Gwaine stepped up to Merlin, "You need to realize that it's ok to want something for yourself. Even if it is the girl who was responsible for all of our downfalls. You need to decide who is more important to you now: her or Arthur. If it's her, you need to figure out a way to show her. And not with sex."

Merlin's mouth quirked up into a half smile, "Sex is how we communicate best."

"No, Merlin, sex is how you two idiots avoid communicating." Gwaine said with a pat on Merlin's shoulder as they continued up the street to Merlin's flat. He let them all in and went to the cupboard to find his stash of alcohol while Arthur inspected the flat.

"It's not very big but I suppose the bedroom will do fine for me, you can take the couch, Merlin."

Merlin took a gulp of whiskey and enjoyed the way it burned as it went down, he met Gwaine and Lancelot's gaze and smirked then turned back to Arthur, "Fine. Take the bed but you should know that I've had sex with your sister in that bed. Numerous times. And I never changed the sheets."

It was satisfying to watch Arthur as he turned red then visibly paled and Merlin thought he'd tease him a little more, "We also did it on the couch and the shower and the table. Actually, there aren't many surfaces we haven't done it on."

Arthur made a gagging noise and shook his head, "We're going to have to find more appropriate lodgings for me, these won't do at all."

Gwaine was bent over from his laughter, Merlin continued drinking and Lancelot gave a long-suffering sigh, "You can come stay with me, Sire. But I should warn you that I am seeing a young lady. Though unlike Merlin, I won't sully her dignity."

"Think Sarah's dignity has already been sullied, Lancelot," Merlin stated with a smirk, "Besides, I didn't do anything Morgana didn't want me to."

He smirked as he went into the bathroom and slammed the door to the sounds of Arthur ranting, as soon as the door was closed and he was alone, the smirk slid off his face and he sat down against the bathtub, his bottle of whiskey beside him. He pulled out his phone and swiped to his gallery, looking through the photos he'd taken of Morgana when she hadn't been aware. He settled himself in for a night of drinking in the bathroom with only pictures of her to keep him company. Who was more important? Arthur or Morgana? It was a more difficult question than Gwaine thought. Arthur was his king and his destiny. But Morgana was the one constant he'd had for a thousand years, even when she'd been following him around like a second shadow. She was the only one who had any idea how he'd felt, how alone he'd been, of the guilt and self-loathing that had plagued his existence. In his mind there were two Morganas, the one she was now and the one she'd been before. He didn't know how to consolidate the two in his mind. He didn't know how to trust her completely, how to believe she wouldn't betray him. He'd been so sure she was working with Morgause or if she hadn't been already, she'd eventually turn to her beloved sister. But then he'd watch her stab herself, kill herself, and essentially choose him over Morgause. She'd died for him.


	59. Chapter 59

Merlin opened his eyes to see Lancelot and Gwaine crouched in front of him and Arthur lingering in the doorway. He squinted his eyes at the two knights who were studying him, "Time to get up off the bathroom floor, Merlin," Lancelot said gently.

"Yes, you really need to start making my breakfast, Merlin," Arthur chimed in. Merlin rolled his eyes and Gwaine frowned and looked over his shoulder at Arthur, "Did you listen to nothing I said? He's not your servant anymore, go make your own damn breakfast."

Arthur frowned and crossed his arms but didn't move off to try his hand at cooking. Merlin thought that was probably a good thing considering he didn't know how to use a toaster or the stove or the kettle or even have a concept of how electricity worked.

"Why exactly do I need to get up? I'm actually rather comfortable, I have everything I need, my phone and my good friend Jack Daniels."

"Merlin, I think you might be borderline alcoholic." Lancelot said with all the concern of someone who wasn't immortal and knew nothing about how little alcohol affected him.

Gwaine gave Lancelot a side-glance and stated drily, "He can drink all he likes, doesn't really do much."

Lancelot didn't look convinced; in fact he looked as though he were worried for Merlin's state of mind. But let's be honest, his sanity had been hanging by a thread for over a thousand years so it wasn't as if it could get much worse.

"It can't be healthy to sit on a bathroom floor drinking," Lancelot stated.

Merlin knew that he'd done worse over the years than sit on the floor and indulge in a little alcoholic therapy.

"Oh, leave him alone," Gwaine said with a grin and a slight push on Lancelot's shoulder, "He's been dumped. He's allowed to wallow in his own misery for a while."

"I've not been dumped." Merlin tried for a feeble protest but really even he knew that when a girl told you it was over it meant you'd been dumped. Even if that girl was a frustratingly beautiful high priestess who had stalked him for nearly all of his existence.

Arthur stepped forward with his Kingly stern face on, "Merlin, snap out of it. You obviously did not court Morgana correctly and now you must suffer the consequences of her rejection."

There wasn't enough alcohol in the world for him to deal with that. Gwaine smirked, "Actually, he didn't really 'court' her, he just shagged her senseless."

Arthur scrunched up his face and backed away, "That is disgusting. And also completely inappropriate. Even at her worst Morgana was still the _Lady Morgana_ she should not have sullied herself with a servant."

They all stared at Arthur. A thousand years of slumber and watching what was going on and he was still a prat. Merlin watched as Gwaine pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number, pushed a button and placed the phone on the edge of the bath.

"What are you doing?" Arthur demanded as they heard the ringing of the phone.

"Hello?" Merlin sucked in a breath as he heard Morgana's voice come over the line and fill the bathroom. Gwaine smirked at him.

"Morgana," Gwaine started, "I was wondering if you could clear something up?"

He heard Morgana sighed but when she spoke he could hear the smile in her voice, "What's that, Gwaine?"

"Arthur. Our king, your brother seems to be under the delusion that Merlin sullied your virtue and that being involved with a servant is beneath you."

There was a pause and Merlin knew she would be pursing her lips and getting ready to cut Arthur's accusation down.

"Well, firstly, my virtue was sullied long before Merlin ever got his hands on me. Secondly, being with a servant is beneath me? Merlin's not a servant, hasn't been for a long time, he's better than all of us," she said the last part so softly he nearly missed it but then she cleared her throat and carried on, "And Arthur saying that is hypocritical, he was involved with a servant long before me. Or is it that it's all right for him because he is a man? In that case it is incredibly sexist."

Gwaine laughed and raised his brows, "Anything else to add, my lady?"

"No. That's it. Does that clear things up for you?"

Gwaine smiled and looked back at Arthur who looked slightly shell shocked, "Yes, that makes things absolutely crystal. Thank you, Morgana."

"Goodbye, Gwaine." She said and Merlin could hear that little smile in her voice again as she hung up.

"Well," Gwaine started, "I think the Lady Morgana said all that needs to be said on that subject." Lancelot ducked his head and grinned while Merlin raised his bottle and took a swig.

Arthur continued to sulk in the doorway, "It's still not right," he muttered.

"Hate to break it to you, Sire, but it doesn't really matter what you think. This is a brave new world and if the Lady Morgana wants to shag our warlock senseless then that's her business." Gwaine said. Merlin grinned, Gwaine always did have a way for winding Arthur up.

"All right. Then, who's going to assist me in finding some breakfast," Arthur said in a way that was clear it was less of a request than a command.

All three of them ignored their king and Lancelot and Gwaine moved from their crouching positions to sit beside Merlin.

"So," Lancelot started slowly, "How are we going to get Morgana back for Merlin?"

Arthur rolled his eyes and huffed, "Anyone would think you were Merlin's knights and not mine." He left the room sulkily clearly annoyed at being ignored.

"Well," Gwaine said as he pulled the bottle from Merlin's grasp, "First step is probably to have some kind of contact with her. Non sexual contact." He said with a pointed look at Merlin.

"Perhaps a gift," Lancelot suggested, "To show his affection."

Gwaine rolled his eyes, "Do you want him to write her a sappy handwritten love letter, too?"

Lancelot looked past Merlin to Gwaine, "Actually, that's not such a bad idea."

Oh, the madness, he had to put a stop to it. He pushed Lancelot back and said, "I'm not writing a love letter. But the gift idea is not so bad."

Lancelot smiled smugly at Gwaine who rolled his eyes, "So," Lancelot said, "What does she like? What are her interests?"

"Merlin and Merlin," Gwaine stated drily.

He put his head back on the cool porcelain of the bathtub and thought about it for a moment then said, "Romeo and Juliet. Books, old books not new ones because they smell better and have better histories. And vinyl records." He sat up straight and grinned, "We need to go out, I've got an idea."


	60. Chapter 60

Morgana was in the library, which was now her bedroom, arranging her new dresser and making up the bed she and Gaius had picked out for her. She almost couldn't believe Gaius was letting her have the library as her room but then since Gwen was being moved in as well there weren't a lot of rooms to choose from. Gaius had boxed up the books he used a lot of would need and transferred them to his office but the rest were all hers. Living with Gaius and Gwen was so far, so good; they even had dinner together at the kitchen table. Gwen didn't say much but Gaius talked a lot about his patients and about the nursing course he had got her on, she could go to that part time and work for him the other part. She'd enjoyed being a nurse during the war and she thought nursing in a small village practice would be rewarding.

The bed they'd chosen for her wasn't as elaborate as other ones she'd had or even the four-poster she had in her flat but it still had charm and was incredibly comfortable. She thought about packing up her flat but then the little voice in her head, the one that sounded like Uther, told her to keep it in case Gaius changed his mind, got sick of her or she did something wrong and she needed somewhere to go.

Although she probably needed to let the university know she wasn't coming back. And probably Sarah too. She pulled out her phone and sent off a quick text to Sarah, saying they should catch up soon, she thought it was probably better she told her friend her new life plans in person. Though she wasn't entirely sure how to explain where she'd been and what she'd been doing, she couldn't very well tell Sarah that she'd killed herself to stop her sister from using her powers so that her brother who just happened to be _the_ King Arthur would finally rise. Sarah would definitely question her sanity with that one.

She looked around her room and smiled, it was perfect, it wasn't overly elaborate but it was hers, she still wanted to get a few more touches to make it more hers but she slept well here, she didn't feel quite so alone here and she felt like maybe she truly had a home and a purpose. She felt that in there her bad memories couldn't touch her. Couldn't hurt her.

There was a knock on the door and Gaius popped his head in and smiled at her, "There's been a delivery for you, Morgana," he said as he pushed the door open and ushered in a delivery man carrying two large boxes, she directed him to place them on the floor beside her bed and waited until he'd left and Gaius had smiled at her again and closed the door behind him before she settled herself down on the floor in front of the boxes. She didn't know who would be sending her packages but she was eager to find out what was inside. She quickly pulled back the tape holding one of the boxes shut and opened the box and peered inside. A smile spread across her face. It was a record player, a new one with a slot of a USB stick and a remote. She quickly unpackaged it and read the instructions, following them to the letter to set it up. She set it up on the table beside her bed. She looked through the box for a card or a note but found none so she moved onto the second box. This one was filled with vinyl records. The Rolling Stones, Springsteen, Nirvana, Eric Clapton, The Beatles. They were all the records Merlin had shown her when they'd gone into the record store in the village. Each record had a post-it note attached to it with track numbers; she guessed they were the songs Merlin wanted her to listen to. It was pretty clear this gift was from Merlin. Which posed another problem: did she call him to thank him for it or not? It would be rude not to. But calling him went against the no contact rule she'd established in her mind, it was a rule she'd decided on to aid her in getting him out of her system. Realistically, there was no getting him out of her system, how do you move on from someone who had been a part of your world in one way or another for over a millennium? So, to call or not to call? She could just text him and thank him that way. But then she wouldn't be able to fully express her gratitude and enthusiasm for the gift. Of course, it had nothing to do with wanting to hear his voice again. None at all.

She kicked off her shoes and lay down on her bed and pulled out her phone, one little phone call, just to thank him. She would work on getting him out of her system tomorrow. Or possibly the next day.

She pressed her phone to her ear and listened to it ring and she hoped it didn't go to voice mail, she knew he was probably busy with Arthur but she wanted to actually talk to him and not leave a message. She was considering just hanging up and calling him later when he answered, "Morgana," he said softly and she thought she could hear a smile in his tone. She hoped she could.

"Merlin. Hey, so I could a delivery today," she was going for coy, cute and playful but was afraid it came of as nervous and awkward.

"Yeah?" Ok, she could definitely hear the smile that time.

"Yeah." She said with her own smile.

"Did you like it?" He was teasing her now; he knew she would like it.

"Of course. I love it, thank you."

"Have you listened to anything yet?"

She shook her head even though he couldn't see her, "No, I wanted to call you first and thank you. So, thank you."

"You're welcome, Morgana," he said softly and she bit her lip to stop herself from telling him that she missed him. They elapsed into silence and it was probably the point where she should tell him goodbye but she wasn't quite ready to hang up yet.

"How's it going with Arthur?" she blurted out and winced. She didn't want to talk to him about her brother; Arthur was one of the problems between them. But then he was also a semi-safe subject.

She heard Merlin sigh, "I attempted to teach him how to use the toaster. It didn't go well. He put it to the highest setting thinking it was the time it would take and nearly burnt the whole place down."

She erupted in giggles at the image, she could just imagine Arthur pouting, "Let me guess he then said it wouldn't be a problem if you would just cook for him."

"Pretty much. He's going to stay with Lancelot."

"Might be good for your sanity. What are you going to do with him, Merlin?"

"I'm not sure. I think we need to get him used to the idea that he has to fend for himself and not rely on others to do basic things for him and then go from there."

"That's probably not going to be easy," she said stating the blatantly obvious considering Arthur was stubborn; it was a trait they shared.

She heard Merlin's long-suffering sigh, "No. Not at all. Listen to the records, Morgana."

Well, that was an abrupt change of subject, "Why did you get it for me, Merlin?"

Another sigh and a long pause and she thought maybe he wasn't going to answer, "Because, Morgana, you may say that we're done but we're not. We're no where near done."

Maybe calling him had been a bad idea. It was treacherous for her carefully laid plans for getting him out of her system.


	61. Chapter 61

"He did what?!" Morgana asked in between a fit of giggles, Merlin was in the middle of retelling a tale of Arthur's misadventures trying to buy new clothes. He was telling her about how Arthur had walked into a store and told the shop assistants that they needed to close the store so he could shop in privately. When they refused, he asked them if they knew who he was. They'd been asked to leave after that. Apparently, Arthur also wasn't completely ok with buying ready-made clothes rather than having his items custom made just for him. Though he'd apparently improved in the kitchen, Merlin said he could now boil the kettle and make himself a cup of tea. Baby steps. And he'd learnt how to use a phone. That much was obvious since Gwen was always glued to hers talking to him while grinning dopily. Not that Morgana should really judge. Glasshouses and all that. She spoke to Merlin at least once a day. Sometimes more. And if they weren't talking, they were texting. Her plan to get him out of her system was pretty much null and void. Gwen and Morgana's phone usage had got so bad that Gaius now had a no phone at the dinner table rule.

Merlin kept sending her gifts as well, another box of records, two t-shirts that smelt like him in the best possible way, a copy of Hamlet – his favourite Shakespeare play – complete with penciled in annotations of Merlin's thoughts as well as a description of the time he actually met Shakespeare. She read that story over and over again and wondered where the hell she'd been while he was meeting arguably the greatest playwright the world had ever seen.

He sent her a candle that was scented like old books and literary themed tea and she sat on her bedroom floor sipping tea, reading Hamlet with the candle lit beside her and Merlin on the phone on speaker telling her how Hamlet should be performed. It was her idea of a good time. Especially when he spoke to her in hushed tones and a lingering smile.

He asked her about mundane things like her favourite colour and favourite TV show and movie and made it seem as if they were the most important things in the world to him, as if he couldn't survive one more day without knowing these things about her. So, she told him why she didn't have a favourite colour – why she had colours she favoured but not one single colour was better than the other. She told him about her love for old episodes of The Muppet Show, Jem and the Holograms, Full House, Who's the Boss, Married with Children, Alf, Saved by the Bell, Friends and Sex and the City. Clearly, she'd watched far too much television in the '80s and '90s. He listened intently and then told her he'd never seen The Muppet Show or Sex and the City and asked her to tell him the basic plots. She laughed and told him she couldn't possibly simply tell him about them, he would have to watch them himself, there'd been a pause and then he told her softly that he'd watch them with her anytime she wanted. The next day the complete DVD box set of all the seasons of Sex and the City arrived for her because he knew she favoured DVDs.

So, she'd decided she needed to send him something back, a gift to say thank you for all the gifts he'd sent her. She'd roamed the aisles of the bookstore for hours trying to find the perfect volume to send to him. In the end she settled for a copy of Romeo and Juliet and sent it to him annotated with her own notes and what it was like to see an original performance.

That was how this phone call had started; he'd called her to thank her for the book and then started to tell her about Arthur. She knew they shouldn't laugh at Arthur considering he was trying to adjust to this new life of his but it was just so funny. But still, "Merlin," she said with a sigh, "You need to find something for Arthur to do, some kind of purpose for him. He was a King."

He returned her sigh with one of his own, "I know. But he's only just learnt to use the kettle, we need to teach him to be just a regular citizen, then we can look at finding him a new path."

"Yeah, it's difficult. Considering he should have risen years ago. That was his destiny to rise when the country needed him the most but he was held back by Morgause's spell."

"Yeah. We don't even know when Morgause started that spell, when she started stealing your immortality. It could have been hundreds of years ago or more recently, she could have been reborn over again with her memories."

She nodded even though he couldn't see her, "Well, we'll never know now, she's dead. But Arthur's got no destiny anymore so he needs something else to do. Other than accidently nearly burn your home down."

"He's only just risen, let's give him a little while longer to adjust. Plus, it's Lancelot's flat that's in danger now, not mine."

"Ooohh, right, the big move, how did that go?" She asked.

"Arthur gave me a lecture about not performing my duties properly by palming him off onto one of his knights."

She giggled, "He's not letting go of that king role, is he?"

"No. Not really."

She wanted to tell him that he didn't have to answer to Arthur's every whim and his beck and call but she knew that old habits died hard. And though she often lamented to her his annoyances at Arthur, she also knew how happy he was to finally have Arthur back. So, she said nothing.

"Morgana."

"Yeah?"

"You should talk to Arthur."

She sighed, "I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if he's ready."

She knew her and her brother had a lot to say to each other, a lot that they needed to get out in the open but how could she really make amends with him for everything she'd done when it was all so fresh in his mind?

"He loved you, Morgana, he always loved you."

"I know," she wanted to change the subject but wasn't sure what to say next, "Merlin, you know these phone calls they're not going to fix everything between us, right?"

"Yeah," She could picture him nodding, "I know, but it's a start."


	62. Chapter 62

"You want some milk with that?" Merlin asked and wrinkled his nose. The King of Camelot was sitting on his couch eating cereal straight out of the box. Sometimes he shoveled it in with his hands, others he tipped his head back and poured it in. It was a truly disgusting and disturbing sight. It was a sight Merlin knew Morgana would appreciate; he pulled his phone out and subtly took a photo sending it in a text to her.

It was his own fault really that Arthur had turned into a bit of a food-loving slob, he'd been the one to introduce him to all the joys of modern food in all its sugary, nutrient free glory. He'd then introduced him to coffee. That had been a mistake. To say Arthur was wired would be an understatement. He'd been practically bouncing off the walls and refused to sleep and so Lancelot had marched him back and told Merlin to deal with him. And deal with him he was. He'd sat him in front of the TV, introducing Arthur to the joys of being a modern child: cartoons, though he introduced him to the ones he loved, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers – the ones he considered to have a bit more substance.

They were in the middle of an awesome episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when Arthur downed the last few of the crumbs from the cereal box and turned to Merlin, "Why did you never tell me you had magic?"

Well. That was one hell of a loaded and complicated question. One that Merlin wasn't entirely sure how to articulate an answer to. He got up, went to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of whiskey and came back to the couch; all the while Arthur kept watching him. How did you tell the person who was your King, your destiny and best friend that you had feared they would have you killed or worse hated you?

Merlin sighed, "What would you have done if I had told you that the reason you survived all those ridiculous attacks was because I used magic to protect you?"

Now it was Arthur who looked thoughtful, "Honestly? I probably would have had you locked up in the dungeon, threatened to have you killed or demanded you never use magic again or banished you."

Merlin nodded and took a swig of whiskey and passed the bottle to Arthur who sniffed at it before taking a sip, "That's why I didn't tell you, Arthur. I wanted to but I was afraid for my life, especially while Uther was King."

"If he'd found out, I would have convinced him it was a mistake or convinced him to just banish you."

Merlin shook his head, "Hindsight is a beautiful thing. You can't know that. You can't know how you would have reacted. You couldn't know, Arthur, my destiny was to protect you."

"Destiny's over now, though, isn't it?"

"Guess it is." Though, he didn't know what that meant for any of them. He hadn't exactly been given a guidebook for what to do in this situation. It had been so much easier….maybe not easier but certainly more clear cut when he had a destiny to follow and protect but now they were all just fumbling around in the dark.

"I know things are different now," Arthur said quietly, "I know you're not my servant anymore but you were never just a servant. I might have threatened to kill you…maybe even have come really close to it but I wouldn't have actually gone through with it. I may be a King but you were always my friend, Merlin."

Merlin nodded, "I know."

Arthur nodded in the way he did when he'd decided that portion of the conversation was over and said, "You and Morgana, how did that happen?"

He quirked a brow at his King, "Thought you said you were watching everything."

"I was but that doesn't mean you can't tell me."

"Are you sure you want to know what I did with your sister? Because I can tell you in incredibly intimate detail."

He laughed, as Arthur screwed up his face, "No. Don't tell me. Never tell me."

He didn't get to respond or tease Arthur more when his phone rang, he looked down at the screen and grinned, Arthur rolled his eyes, "You spend far too much time attached to that thing."

Merlin got up and went into the bedroom, saying over his shoulder as he went, "You're just jealous."

He flopped down onto the bed and answered the call, "Hello, Morgana."

"Merlin," she said in between giggles, "Tell me we can print that photo off numerous times and use it against Arthur. A lot."

He chuckled and pressed the phone closer to his ear as if doing that would bring her closer to him, "I don't see why not. How's it going?"

"You mean since we last spoke, oh approximately eight hours ago?"

"Yeah."

"It's good. Except Gaius said that I can't wear your band t-shirts while working for him, he actually said some of them were obscene. Also, I only have three which I've been rotating."

He smiled as he imagined her pouting about Gaius's rule, "I can send you some more, I have shitloads."

"What's the point? I can't wear them anyway." She made a disgruntled noise and then started telling him about an old man who came in for his weekly prescription but she suspected he just wanted a nice little chat. As she talked, he tuned out a little thinking about the next gift he would send her. He could picture it perfectly in his head and got up off the bed, pulled his drawers open and started pulling out t-shirts and lay them on the floor, arranging them in an order that he thought looked best. If she couldn't wear them, he'd give her the next best thing. He'd make her a patchwork quilt to use on her bed; each patch would be made out of a t-shirt. He grinned as she continued to chat away about patients who came into Gaius's clinics, the ones she liked and the ones who were rude and the ones who she wished she could avoid.


	63. Chapter 63

"I may have found Arthur a job," Merlin said abruptly in the middle of their conversation about Sex and the City, which he'd started watching, he told her he wasn't sure how he felt about it. She told him he had to watch more than just the first episode before he abandoned it completely. He'd begrudgingly agreed to watch the rest of the first season.

The way he said he'd found Arthur a job was filled with apprehension and uncertainty and she had an image of Arthur dressing up as a clown to entertain children. Or terrify them.

"What kind of job?" She was almost afraid to ask, there were so many ways this could go. Some would be hilarious and others could hold the potential to scar Arthur and by extension, Merlin and Morgana for the rest of their immortal lives. She held her breath and waited.

"The uni gym, rec whatever the hell it's called was advertising for an instructor." He said a little tentatively.

"An instructor?" She asked, picturing Arthur attempting to teach people Pilates or yoga. That would not go well. But it would be entertaining as hell. She would pay for a membership just to sit in the back of that class and snicker and take photos. Of course Merlin would have to sit with her.

"Yeah. They were looking for a fencing instructor."

"Fencing? As in….fencing?"

"Yes, apparently it is a sport which is having a resurgence. Was it a stupid idea? Oh, hell he's going to yell at them all and call them idiots isn't he?"

"Probably. But it wasn't a stupid idea. This is something Arthur can do and do well. He trained all the knights and sure he could be a little bit of a prat, he always got results and they were better knights for his training. Teaching a class how to fence will be easy."

"Yeah. As long as he doesn't get fired."

She grinned, "He won't. Just go along with him the first few times and rein him in a little if needed. How often are the classes?"

"Twice a week."

That was good. She honestly thought this was a good idea, that it would be good for Arthur to be integrated into society and thought it would give him a sense of purpose, or being needed even if just by people who were trying to get fit. "You have to tell me how it goes."

"You'll be the first to know," he said and she could hear the smile and affection in his voice. "How's the nursing going? Started the course yet?"

"Next week. It's good, though I'd like to do more than just draw blood and record people's weight and height or take their blood pressure."

"Well, what do you want to do?"

She shrugged, "I want to learn more. I've been reading all of Gaius's books and they're fascinating, the way the human body works and functions, the science is so interesting."

"You want to do what Gaius does," Merlin stated. He just knew what she was meaning, what she was trying to say without saying.

She sighed, "Yeah, I guess I do. But it's not possible."

"Bullshit. You can do anything you want to do, Morgana. If you want to be a doctor, go do it."

"What if…." She paused and rubbed at the spine of one of her books, avoiding saying what she was really thinking in fear that he'd confirm it.

"What if what?" He urged gently.

She sighed, "Medicine is hard. What if I'm not smart enough? What if I try and fail?"

She heard him swear softly under his breath, "You're right, medicine is hard but you not being smart enough? That's just idiocy."

"Are you calling me an idiot?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. My point is you're definitely smart enough. You will only fail if you don't try and besides you've got Gaius to help you and me and Gwaine will help you study. Hell, we'll make colour coded flashcards if that helps."

She couldn't help but smile at the image he conjured up of him and Gwaine testing her on medical terms and also at his unreserved faith in her. "You really think I could do it?"

"Morgana, I think you can do anything you want," he paused and he chuckled and the sound warmed her straight to her bones and she wished her were there with her, instead all she had was an amazing patchwork quilt that had arrived in the post earlier and that she was already cuddled up in on her bed, it still smelt like him and if she closed her eyes and concentrated on his scent around her and his voice in her ear, she could almost imagine he was there; "Hell, Morgana, at this point if you said you wanted to be the Queen of England, I'd probably help you attempt it."

She laughed at the idea, "No. Thank you. I've got no desire to try to steal another crown."

"Well, the offer's there."

"Thank you. Have you seen Sarah lately? Are she and Lancelot still…doing whatever it is they're doing?"

"No. I've been avoiding her a little, not sure how to explain what's been going on or how to explain Arthur to her. Have you seen or spoken to her?"

"Just talked to her over the phone. We're meeting up tomorrow at my flat to hang out, drink some wine and catch up."

"Good. That's good. You should come by after. To see Arthur, of course."

She smiled and nodded, "Absolutely, just to see Arthur, who else could I possibly want to see?"

"No idea. Did you get anything in the mail today?"

She wrapped the quilt tighter around herself and sniffed it, "Yes. I did."

"Do you like it?" He sounded a little anxious as if he honestly thought she wouldn't. She wanted to slap him for being an idiot, except of course he wasn't there. She must have taken too long to reply because he continued talking, "I just thought since you said Gaius banned you from wearing them, this would be the next best thing. But if you don't like it, you don't have to use it, you could just put it in a drawer or whatever…"

"Merlin." She said cutting him off and smiling at just how adorable he was when he rambled, "I love it. Thank you."

"Morgana?"

"Yeah?"

"I just..." he paused and she waited for him to finish his thought but the pause stretched on as neither of them said anything until she heard him sigh and then say quietly, "You're welcome."


	64. Chapter 64

The thing about being immortal is that when some crazy bitch shoots you, you will heal, you will be fine. It hurts like hell but it won't kill you. Though if you don't get the bullet out, the skin heals over and you've got a piece of metal in your body permanently. You'd make metal detectors go off all over the place. The thought made Morgana giggle a little. Lucky, for her the girl who'd shot her was more than willing to dig the bullet out of her shoulder with the tip of a knife. And while she did that, Morgana wondered where she got the gun, she thought they were illegal in England. Her head hurt, she was dizzy and everything looked a little fuzzy, she felt like she had cotton wool in her mouth and it took her a moment to realize she'd probably been drugged and hit across the face. Hard. She licked her lip and sure enough, she tasted blood. Fantastic. She was going to kill her. She was going to chain her up against a wall and put a bullet in her and then dig it out painfully slowly and then shove a red hot fire poker into the wound and watch her scream, the way she'd watched Morgana scream.

How did she get here? She tried to think beyond the searing pain in her shoulder and vaguely remembered catching the train and meeting Sarah at her flat, they'd drunk wine and talked about Shakespeare. Then…..then nothing. She'd woken up chained to a wall with cuffs she'd quickly tried to use her magic to get out of. Nothing had happened. That meant this girl knew about Morgana's magic, had the means to create the cuffs to suppress her magic. Morgana knew for certain this girl wanted to hurt her, wanted her dead probably. She looked a little manic and someone who looks manic is never a good thing, usually they're the ones who have nothing and no one left to lose. Morgana knew, she'd been there, done that. Had the t-shirt to prove it. She giggled again. Had the t-shirt. The only t-shirts she had belonged to her warlock. Merlin. Merlin. She was supposed to meet him in the morning. Tomorrow. Or was it today? How long had she been hanging there? Would he wonder where she was? Would he be worried? Would he care that she was chained to the wall, sitting in hay that was scratching her in places no one wants to be scratched? Would he come looking for her? She fantasied about Merlin, Gwaine, Lancelot and Arthur kicking down the door and fighting for her. She imagined Merlin lifting her up and holding her to him. She could almost feel his warmth. She was freezing which could have something to do with shock or the wind blowing in or maybe the fact that she'd had a bucket of icy water thrown on her. She gave this girl points for effort but this was amateur hour, she clearly knew nothing about how to properly torture someone. When she wasn't inflicting her will on Morgana, she was sitting on a chair across the room watching her. Morgana watched her right back. She fantasied about all the things she would do to her, she could tell she had no magic; otherwise she'd be using it against Morgana. Morgana didn't think she was someone she'd known in Camelot, which begged the question, what the hell had Morgana ever done to her? Though, perhaps she was someone Morgana had caused pain in Camelot, perhaps she had been part of the collateral damage, perhaps Morgana had killed her husband, father or brother or all three. Maybe Morgana deserved this. Maybe, this here, in this moment was her penance and it had nothing to do with Arthur or Merlin or Gwaine. Or maybe she'd done absolutely nothing and this girl was just straight up crazy. Like those TV shows she was always fascinated by with the people who had something wrong in their minds and that caused them to act in certain psychotic ways.

"I know what you're thinking, Morgana."

Morgana rolled her eyes and raised her gaze to the girl sitting in the chair, why did people always presume to know what was going on in Morgana's mind?

"Really? And what am I thinking?" She was trying for her 'I'm Lady Morgana, you don't want to mess with me' voice but it came out croaky because of her dry, scratchy throat. She would kill for some water.

The girl leaned forward and grinned like that damn cat in the children's story, the one with the rabbit who was always late for an important date, "Yes. You 're thinking that your precious Merlin is going to swoop in and save you. But he's not."

"Really? Why not?"

"Because he probably doesn't even realize you're gone. Probably doesn't even care. You're not worthy of his care. Of anyone's. Not after the things you've done."

"What do you know about what I've done?"

The girl shrugged and smirked, "You can't even begin to imagine the things I know, Morgana."

"My imagination's pretty good actually." Morgana moved slightly and winced at the ripping feeling in her shoulder, she'd probably need that stitched at some point. She wondered what would happen to her if it got septic. Best not to think about that right now. She sat up straighter and schooled her features into her best uninterested expression, she went for a nonchalant shrug of her uninjured shoulder, "Come on, then, sweetheart, enlighten me," she used the term of endearment as an insult and smiled as the girl narrowed her eyes at her.

"I don't have to explain anything to you, Morgana."

Going on the defensive. Of course, that meant she didn't know as much as she thought she did or pretended she did, it was all an act for Morgana's benefit. She didn't know shit. Morgana smirked a little. This girl had no idea who she was dealing with. Morgana had survived much worse than some girl who had decided to use her as a punching bag.

"Fine. Just tell me one thing then: what the hell did I ever do to you?"

The girl leaned forward and sneered at Morgana, "You killed my mother."


	65. Chapter 65

Merlin bolted upright in bed and looked at the clock. Four in the morning. He felt…odd. Something wasn't right. Something niggled at the edges of his consciousness and he couldn't grip it and pull it in. He felt slightly lightheaded and there was a niggling, tingling feeling in his shoulder, like someone's fingers had been prodding under his skin. He pushed the covers back and stumbled out of bed as a wave of dizziness hit him and he felt like he'd been plunged into ice water. He shakily pulled his jeans on and a t-shirt on over his long sleeved top as his teeth chattered. What the hell was going on? He fumbled in the darkness to pull a drawer open and grab a beanie and shove it onto his head. His fingers trembled and he fumbled with the door handle as he continued to shake from the imaginary coldness. He felt like his skin was wet and yet he knew logically that he was completely bone dry. He nearly trod all over Arthur who was in a sleep bag on the floor, Lancelot had another spot on the floor while Gwaine had claimed the couch, they'd spent the previous evening teaching Arthur poker while Lancelot had said that they should teach him chess. Funnily enough, Arthur was more interested in the chess.

A violent shiver sent Merlin forward and he landed on his knees in front of the couch and he roughly shook Gwaine who tried to swat him away as if he were nothing more than an annoying insect but then finally cracked an eye lid and peered at him in the darkness, "What?"

Merlin sucked in a breath and tried to stop the shaking that was wracking his body but there was no stopping it, "Something's wrong. I feel like something's wrong."

"You feel like something's wrong?" Gwaine muttered, "Merlin go back to bed."

Merlin shook his head, the only part of his body that he could shake voluntarily, "No. Gwaine. I think its Morgana. It feels like Morgana."

That got Gwaine's attention, his other eye flew open and he ran a hand tiredly down his face, "You can feel it? Is this some creepy sex thing?"

"No. I can't explain it. But something is off. I feel weird. Please, Gwaine."

Gwaine sighed and sat up, then slowly stood up and felt his way through the room and flicked on the light. "Right, everyone up."

Lancelot and Arthur were both already sitting up, squinting at the sudden intrusion of light, "What's going on?" Lancelot asked, more mumbled really.

Gwaine shrugged, "Merlin's got feelings. About Morgana."

"You woke us up to tell us about Merlin's feelings towards my sister?" Arthur had never been exactly a serene person. Merlin's teeth chattered and his shoulder ached and he shook his head as they all looked at him. Lancelot sat up and narrowed his eyes, "Merlin, are you all right? You're pale."

"I don't feel right. I think something's wrong with Morgana."

"Why? Has she called you? Text you?" All very logical questions from Lancelot.

"No," Gwaine said with an eye roll, "He can feel it."

Arthur rolled his eyes and flopped back down, "I'm going back to sleep."

"No!" Merlin said in a tone he would never have normally used with Arthur, "We have to go," he walked to the door, a little unsteady on his feet and pulled it open and came face to face with Gaius who had his hand poised to knock. He looked past Gaius and saw Gwen. "Gaius?"

Merlin wondered what he was doing there at this time of the morning, Merlin was up but that was because he had a feeling. Gaius looked grim, worried and Merlin had a sinking feeling that something had in fact happened.

"Have you heard from Morgana, Merlin? She said she would call when she got into town to meet Sarah but we never heard from her. We've been calling her but there is no answer. Just goes straight to voicemail. We're concerned."

Merlin looked back over his shoulder at Gwaine who was now frowned and even Arthur was sitting up and looking more alert but that could have been more to do with Gwen's presence. He held the door open for Gaius and Gwen to enter; Gaius gave him a look and pressed a hand to his forehead, "Merlin, you look awful."

He gently pushed Gaius's hand away, "I feel like something's not right. With Morgana."

"She was meeting Sarah, Merlin, I'm sure they're fine," Lancelot stated, ever the voice of reason, "But if it will ease your mind, why don't some of us go to Morgana's flat to check on them and the other's go to Sarah's in case they went there instead?"

Gaius nodded, "Excellent idea," he said as he took Merlin's elbow and gently guided him to the couch and pushed him down so he was perched on the edge. Merlin nodded absently.

"So, where does Sarah live?" Lancelot asked with a look to Merlin.

Merlin frowned, "Don't you know?"

"No. Don't you?"

Merlin shook his head, "No. We always hung out here or at Uni. She never told me her address and I never asked."

"Aren't you dating her, Lancelot?" Gwaine asked, his frown growing deeper by the second.

"Yeah but I haven't seen her for a while. We always met up at the pub."

"Well how are we going to find out where your lady love lives then, Lancelot?" Gwaine asked what they were all thinking.

"She goes to university, right?" Arthur asked, "We could hack into her records."

They turned and stared at Arthur as if he were speaking some kind of indecipherable language. Gwaine frowned at Arthur, "How is it that you've been underwater for how ever long it is but you know what hacking is yet can't comprehend how to use a toaster?" Gwaine shook his head, "You know what, don't answer that. Does anyone actually know how to hack into the university records?"

They all looked at each other at a loss until Gwen timidly raised her hand, "I might."

"Guinevere!" Both Arthur and Lancelot said at once and she just shrugged and offered a small smile.

"I took a few computer courses and went on a few online forums and chatrooms."

"I'll get Merlin's laptop," Gwaine said disappearing into Merlin's bedroom for a moment and coming back with the computer and gave it to Gwen who went and settled herself at the kitchen table.

Merlin shivered again and someone wrapped a blanket around his shoulders, he was finding it difficult to concentrate on the conversation going on around him but he heard Lancelot telling Gwen Sarah's surname and her University ID number and heard them all discussing who would stay and who would go to Morgana's flat. It was decided that Gwaine and Arthur would go to Morgana's while Lancelot, Gaius and Gwen would stay with Merlin. He heard the door shut as he slid down on the couch trying to gather as much heat as he could from the blanket. He was drifting in and out of consciousness, listening to the low voices of Gwen and Gaius and with Lancelot sitting solidly beside him. He was just so damn tired and his shoulder felt unbearably hot while the rest of him was freezing. "Someone's hurting her," he said quietly. Of that he was sure. He sick or getting sick. Someone had their hands on Morgana. He was going to find whoever it was and make them hurt. Lancelot shook his head, "I promise you, Merlin, no one's hurting her," he said soothingly but his tone lacked conviction, "They're probably holed up at Morgana's or Sarah's giving each other makeovers or whatever it is girls do."

Merlin shook his head and said nothing, something was wrong, he knew it, Morgana wasn't somewhere comparing lipstick shades, and she was somewhere hurting.

At some point he slipped into an unsettled sleep and was woken by Lancelot shoving his ringing phone at him, he was instantly awake, "Morgana?"

The sigh he heard from the other end was definitely not Morgana, "Merlin, you might be right about something being wrong."

"Gwaine? What is it?"

"Morgana's flat, it's trashed, it looks like the girls were drinking but there's shit everywhere like they were forced to go with someone they really didn't want to go with. We're on our way back to you."

He gripped the phone too tightly in his hand then screamed and threw it at the wall where it hit and fell to the floor, the battery coming out. Someone had Morgana. He stood up and went to the table and leaned close to Gwen peering at the computer screen, "Have you got Sarah's address?"

She leaned away from him, "Yes, here," she shoved a piece of paper at him, he gave her a little nod and pushed away from the table, strode to the door with Lancelot closely behind, he pulled the door open and went down the steps and was halfway down the street when Gwaine and Arthur met them halfway.

"You look like shit," Gwaine stated looking at Merlin with a frown.

Merlin took a step closer to Gwaine, "Someone's hurting her, Gwaine," he said looking at his friend imploringly, begging him to believe him. Gwaine nodded and put an arm around his shoulders and started walking down the street, propping Merlin up as they went, "Right then, where are we off to?"

"Sarah's flat. There might be clues there."

"Still hoping they might just be there?"

"Not really but if they are it will be the best thing that's happened to me for awhile."

They walked on with Lancelot and Arthur silently behind them. Merlin was surprised that Sarah didn't live that far from them but yet none of them had ever been to her place before. Merlin used his magic to bust the lock, not really caring if he broke it beyond repair and they all walked in, flipping light switches as they went. It was just your average flat, nothing particularly special or unique about it. In fact you could barely tell that a young girl lived there. No Morgana in sight. They split up and looked around. He picked up a framed photo of himself and Sarah and smiled at the image.

"Holy shit, Merlin come and look at this," Gwaine said from where he was looking at the objects on the bookshelf, he had a book open and was staring down at it, his eyes wide. Merlin looked at the book over Gwaine's shoulder, there was a photo wedged in the pages, "No way."

In the image was a smiling Sarah and a woman who looked spookily like Morgause smiling up at them, "It has to be a coincidence," he said as he picked up the photo and turned it over reading the back, 'Mum and me.'

Coincidence. It was just one hell of freaky coincidence. Gwaine and Merlin looked at each other.

Lancelot popped his head out of the bedroom doorway and looked as equally freaked out, "I think I may have found why Sarah never invited us over," he said as he beckoned them into the room with him and Arthur.

There were photos stuck to the walls. Everywhere. There was an entire wall dedicated just to photos of him. A shrine to him. Bloody hell. Gwaine pulled a post it note off a photo of Morgana and handed it to Merlin, "Don't think it's a coincidence."

Merlin sucked in a breath as he read the post-it note, "Aunty Morgana."

"Yeah," Gwaine said with a nod, "We've definitely got a problem."


	66. Chapter 66

This wasn't Sarah. She couldn't believe it was. This was some witch taking on Sarah's form to get to her. This was just someone using Sarah's face. Morgana knew she was lying to herself but she just didn't want to believe what was right in front of her. The blonde hair, the eyes almost identical to her sister's, it was all there. But it wasn't possible. It couldn't be.

Sarah stood up from the chair and came closer, "You killed my mother, Morgana." She repeated as if Morgana hadn't heard her the first time.

All right, Morgana thought, let's play along, this is Sarah, "I don't even know your mother, Sarah, I've never met her."

"You've met her!" Sarah screamed and aimed that goddamn gun at her again. Morgana sat up straighter or as straight as she could and raised her chin, she wasn't scared of Sarah, and she wasn't scared of being shot again, even if it did hurt like hell.

"Fine, Sarah, who was your mother?"

Sarah glared at her and Morgana was almost ready to accept that it really was Sarah; only Sarah could look at her like that. Which meant Sarah was certifiably crazy.

"Morgause," Sarah spat, angry tears welling up in her eyes, "Your sister. She adored you and you killed her!"

"Technically, Arthur killed her." Morgana said, not even caring if it provoked Sarah into some kind of rage. Sarah started pacing in front of her, waving the gun around as she talked, "All she cared about was you! Her precious sister who had more power than I could ever imagine." Her voice was mocking and bitter and suddenly Morgana got it.

"You don't have magic." She stated, not a question, she was sure of it. And she bet it killed Morgause to have a child with no magical capabilities.

Sarah glared at her, "And she never let me forget it. She spent my childhood telling me about my amazing aunt and about how she'd spent lifetimes of being reborn looking for you, waiting to reunite with you and use your magic to become immortal and get revenge on the infamous Arthur."

"Aww," Morgana started with false sweetness, "You must have had such a hard childhood. It must have just been terrible."

"It wasn't easy. Having to listen to her wax lyrical about her precious sister and go on about how I couldn't possibly understand because I didn't have magic and didn't live through all the things the two of you did."

"Ohhhh," Morgana cooed, "You poor thing, what an ordeal to live through."

She smirked as Sarah flew forward and backhanded her across the face. "Don't fucking mock me, you have no idea what it's like!"

Morgana smirked at the girl who was apparently her niece and flicked her tongue at the cut on her lip that was bleeding, "Really? Did Morgause ever throw you in a dungeon for talking back to her? Ever make you feel like the very thing that made you who you were, what made you special was the root of all evil?"

Sarah growled and pressed the gun to Morgana's temple and Morgana briefly wondered what would happen if she was shot in the head. "You killed my mother."

Morgana rolled her eyes and pulled up one leg up between them and kicked Sarah in the stomach, sending her back. She got a sick sense of satisfaction out of that, now if only she could find a way out of these cuffs. She watched as Sarah gingerly picked herself up from off the floor and raised a brow at the blonde girl, "We've already had this conversation. Are we going to have the same conversation over and over again?"

"How could you kill your own sister?"

Morgana shrugged with the shoulder that didn't feel like it was on fire, "Not the first time I've killed her. She's not the first blood relation I've killed. That whole blood's thicker than water thing? It doesn't really bother me."

Sarah sniffed and Morgana saw her hands tremble a little, she wasn't cut out for this torture thing, she'd not had the years of experience Morgana had.

"You have no sense of loyalty."

Hadn't Merlin once said that to her? Funny that things had changed so much and now he was the one who she was loyal to. Sarah had no idea what she was talking about.

"Morgause had to die. She was going to kill Merlin, Sarah."

Sarah shook her head, "No. She wasn't. She promised me she wouldn't."

Morgause wasn't necessarily the best promise keeper. Morgana shook her head and laughed, "The cuffs. They weren't originally for me, were they?"

"Mother was going to let me keep him."

"Keep him? Like he's a fucking pet?"

"No! I love him."

"And to show that love you were going to chain him to the wall with magic suppressing cuffs?"

Sarah shook her head, "You don't understand. You don't know. His magic is what's wrong; it causes all the bad things in his life. I was going to just keep him down here until we could strip him of his magic."

Ok, she was fucking crazy, there were no ifs, buts or maybe about that, "And you think he'd want you after you helped kill Arthur, chained him to a wall and took away his magic?"

"He would have realized, understood I was doing it for him. For us. But then you had to ruin everything!"

"Oh honey, you are so incredibly delusional that I almost feel sorry for you."

Sarah rushed towards her and suddenly she found herself with a gun pressed to her temple and Sarah's gaze studying her, "What is it about you that he finds so enticing?"

"I have no bloody idea."

Sarah smiled a slow, chilling smile, "He's going to realize you're not worth it, that you're not so great."

"And then he'll realize you've been there all along, right? He'll profess his undying love for you? Not bloody likely."

That earned her another slap across the face and she wondered if she should change tactics and play nice. She needed to get out of these cuffs; she somehow needed to convince Sarah to let her out of them. But that clearly wasn't going to happen. Perhaps she needed to play on their familial connection. Or she needed to somehow contact Merlin. But how? She remembered Mordred could talk to people with his mind and she wondered how that worked, she was sure she'd be able to do it but did the cuffs suppress even that kind of magic? There was no harm trying. She grinned at the idea of speaking directly to Merlin's mind.


	67. Chapter 67

He thought saying they had a problem was a bit of an understatement. They were all standing in Sarah's room looking at her shrine to him. He thought they were all a little bit in shock. There were photos of him everywhere, him walking down the street, at uni, at the pub, in his flat. In his flat with Morgana. Except the ones with Morgana in them had either been folded back or had black marker scribbled over Morgana's image. This was definitely a stalker situation and Merlin briefly wondered if stalking ran in the family. Shit. Sarah was Morgana's niece. Morgana was Sarah's aunt. Would that reality make it less likely for Sarah to hurt her or ensure she would? Or hurt her more than he was sure she already had. His cheek now stung on top of everything else.

"She's a bloody bunny boiler," Gwaine stated as he walked around the room and Merlin found he had to agree it was a little Fatal Attraction. Gwaine turned to him and frowned, "Your lip's bleeding."

Frowning, Merlin touched his fingers to his lip and when he pulled his hand back, there was blood on his fingers. He met Gwaine's gaze, "I think I'm feeling what's happening to Morgana."

Gwaine rolled his eyes, "Really? You think? You two couldn't just be normal and shag each other senseless you had to go and form some otherworldly connection."

"It's not as if I did it on purpose. It just kind of happened."

Gwaine gave him a look that was a cross between saying he didn't believe Merlin and that he thought Merlin was being an idiot. Arthur came over to them and eyed Merlin, took hold of his chin and twisted his head this way and that as he examined his friend's magical injury. "We need to stop analyzing what a powerful love Merlin and Morgana has and start collecting evidence and figure out where they are."

"Right then, Sire, where do you suggest we start?"

Arthur let go of Merlin's chin and looked around the room and Merlin recognized the look on his face, it was the expression he had seen a hundred times when Arthur was pondering a battle strategy or a political move. He knew he just had to wait his King out. This was Arthur's strength. "We need to look past the superficial of the weird Merlin love and look for things that might point to where they may be. Morgause obviously didn't live here, so maybe where ever she did live is where Sarah's taken Morgana. Look for an address or a photo with a house in the background."

The king paused and looked around at his two knights and his servant, "You have magic." He stated, pointing at Merlin.

"Ah, Sire, we know you're a bit slow on the uptake but we've already established Merlin is magical." Gwaine stated with a grin and an elbow nudging Merlin. Merlin rolled his eyes but allowed a small smile.

"But he's not just magical, is he? What was it Gaius said? He's the most powerful warlock to ever walk the earth."

Lancelot stepped closer, "Yes. He is."

Arthur nodded, "And he and Morgana are somehow connected on an unconscious, spiritual level."

"Yes," Merlin said as they all looked at each other trying to jump on Arthur's thought train. But he seemed to be going too fast for them; they needed him to connect the dots for them.

"Morgana is obviously communicating with Merlin whether she realizes it or not, she's telling him where it hurts."

Merlin thought that was a little of a simplistic explanation of what was going on but he kept his mouth shut and waited to see where Arthur was going with this.

"So, could you reverse the connection? Could you talk to her in your mind, somehow get her to tell us what where she is looks like. Or what about astral projection? Could you astral project yourself to her?"

Merlin shook his head with a grin, "I think you've been watching one too many episodes of Charmed."

"Hey!" Gwaine protested, "That's a bloody good show."

And now Merlin knew who had introduced Arthur to it. Lancelot shook his head, "Personally, I've always been more partial to Buffy."

Merlin shook his head choosing to ignore the debate about which show was better, "I don't know how to astral project, I'm not even sure if I could."

Arthur leveled him with a gaze, "Have you ever tried?"

"Well, no."

"Then how do you know what you can and can't do if you've never attempted it?"

Arthur said it like it was the easiest thing in the world, like Merlin could just think about Morgana and he'd be with her, be wherever she was. He wasn't sure it worked like that. He shook his head, "It's not that easy."

"How do you know?" Arthur was being persistent, pressing the issue, "Try."

Merlin raised his brows, "Now?"

"Now," Arthur pressed, "Sit down and try."

He looked cautiously back over his shoulder at the bed, he wasn't sure he wanted to sit there, sit on Sarah's bed surrounded by images of himself, he'd rather surround himself with things of Morgana's. Arthur rolled his eyes and Gwaine put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him down to land on the edge of the bed.

"Don't over think it, Merlin, just don't think about all the things Sarah wanted to do to you in this bed." Gwaine said with a smirk.

He hadn't been thinking of that before but he sure as shit was now. It was a disturbing thought. Gwaine, Lancelot and Arthur moved closer, standing for him in a kind of semi-circle, pressing closer, enclosing him in, trapping him.

"Now," Gwaine said, "In Charmed, Prue just kind of closes her eyes, takes a few deep breaths and thinks of where else she wants to be and boom there she is."

Merlin shot Gwaine a look; he was clearly taking the magic of a TV show a little too seriously.

Lancelot shook his head, amused, "There's no harm in trying, Merlin."

In that moment, Merlin felt as if he were back in Camelot, not so alone anymore and now they all knew about his magic and just accepted it and believed he could do incredible things. But as usual, the final verdict, the last word, the deciding factor still lived with their King. Merlin looked up at Arthur and realized no matter what happened, no matter how many years they walked the earth or how many lives they lived, they would always maintain their roles of Knight, Servant and King. What did that mean for Morgana?

Arthur crouched down in front of him and looked as serious as Merlin had ever seen him, as when he'd told him to just always be himself, "You can do this, Merlin, I know you can."

Arthur could be a lot of things: mostly an unbearable prat but there was nothing quite like the feeling of him putting his unconditional belief and faith in you.

Merlin nodded, if they wanted him to try to astral project based on what they'd seen on a television show, he'd do it. He didn't believe for a second it would work or that he could actually do it.

He closed his eyes and started to concentrate on breathing evenly and the sound of his breath, he pictured Morgana in his mind. Her hair, her eyes, her lips, her body. The way she looked at him as if he had the power to either make her entire world continue to exist or to destroy it. The way she bit her lip and looked at him through her lashes. The way she got all nervous and shy when he told her she was the most beautiful thing he'd seen in all his years of existence. They way she looked right after he'd had his hands all over her. The way she would inch closer to him in bed as if she thought she needed to give him the chance to move away from her. He pictured the way she looked sitting on the table in Gaius's library, wearing nothing but his t-shirt, flipping through a book completely unaware he was watching her. The way she got pissed at him when he put himself in danger, he loved the way she looked when she was angry. He hoped she was angry right now, wherever she was.

He sighed, nothing was happening, "This is ridiculous," he muttered and opened his eyes to say just that to Arthur but it wasn't Arthur who was in his line of vision when he opened his eyes. The vision in front of him made his chest ache and made him vibrate with anger all at once. Morgana was chained to a wall, blood everywhere, split lip, face starting to bruise, there was a cut on her neck like someone had held a knife a little too close to her throat and pressed just a little too hard. But the worst was the gaping wound on her shoulder. She'd been shot. Sarah had fucking shot her. He took a step toward her but before he got far he felt something pulling him back, something making him leave her and felt himself being slammed into something. His eyes closed on instinct and he sucked in a breath and when he opened them, he was once again staring into Arthur's wary gaze. He watched as Arthur exchange a glance with Lancelot and Gwaine, "Merlin? What happened?"

"I saw her," he said his voice shaking as the rest of him too started to shake, "It was just for a second but I saw her."

"What did you see?" Lancelot asked slowly.

Merlin sat up straighter and steeled his gaze as he realized what was going to happen, "I saw enough to know what I'm going to do."

Gwaine tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to find them." He said and nodded to himself, "Then I'm going to kill Sarah."


	68. Chapter 68

"You're going to kill Sarah?" Lancelot asked with disbelief and a hint of disgruntlement, "Perhaps you want to think about this."

Gwaine shrugged, "What's to think about? She's loonier than a loony toon and she has Morgana. Is hurting Morgana."

Lancelot frowned and stepped into Gwaine's space, almost coming nose to nose with him, "I'm not saying that isn't wrong but Morgana is no better."

"Watch what you say, Lancelot," Gwaine said through clenched teeth and shoved Lancelot who took a step back and then once more invaded Gwaine's space as they entered a silent battle of wills. They stared each other down for a few seconds that felt like an eternity before Lancelot shook his head and took a step back but didn't retreat too far, "We don't know what Sarah's life has been like, we don't know what she has been through."

"She was raised by Morgause," Gwaine pointed out and Merlin watched as Gwaine clenched his fists and unclenched them clearly trying to keep his temper under control. Merlin found it almost entertaining that they were arguing over Sarah's fate when in reality they didn't really get a vote. He had already decided, their arguments would not sway him. The only decision that needed to be made was whether to make it swift and painless or to draw it out and make her realize the mistakes she'd made. He was leaning towards long and drawn out. And he'd even let Morgana watch.

"That doesn't mean she is like Morgause." Lancelot reasoned. Merlin thought he was probably beyond reason.

Gwaine rolled his eyes, "Is this you being honourable, Lancelot or is it just that you want to save your lady-love because you are yet to get into her panties. I'm sure if you talk to Merlin nicely he'll let you have one roll in the hay before he snuffs her life out."

That was it. Lancelot took one menacing step toward Gwaine, who was smirking like he was finding it all very entertaining and didn't realize he was about to get a bloody nose. But any promise of violence was halted by Arthur getting between the knights and holding Lancelot back with one hand, "Enough! Justice is required."

"Justice or revenge?" Lancelot questioned and they all looked at their king for the answer.

"This girl has wronged Merlin, has hurt one of his own, justice is his to dispense. The decision is his and we will neither question nor condemn his decision." Arthur paused and eyed Lancelot, "Is that clear?"

Lancelot looked slightly disgusted and broke free of Arthur's hold, "This is not the way justice is dispensed in this time, Sire, one man is not judge, jury and executioner, not anymore."

"You care for the girl, you think she can be saved," Arthur stated in what was his understanding voice, it wasn't that different to his condescending voice. Lancelot moved to stand over Merlin where he was still sitting and Merlin looked up at his friend, the first person to accept him and his magic and he felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He thought he'd probably become someone Lancelot didn't entirely recognize anymore. He'd not had the luxury of being reborn of forgetting his previous life and that did something to a person.

"Please don't do this, Merlin, you're better than this." Lancelot said in that soothing tone he'd used many times on Merlin.

Merlin shook his head, "I'm really not. Not anymore." He turned to Arthur, "What would you do, if it were Gwen, if someone had her, were hurting her?"

Arthur's expression turned even grimmer and he clenched his jaw and met Merlin's eye with his steady gaze and Merlin knew what the answer would be before he even opened his mouth, "I would find them and make them pay. With their blood."

Lancelot briefly closed his eyes and when he opened them again, he looked thoroughly disappointed in all of them. "It's not right."

"What would you have Merlin do? Go get Morgana and just say 'Oh, I'm sorry you had a shitty mother, Sarah but it's ok, you just go on your merry way.'" Gwaine asked, his tone laced with sarcasm and barely concealed distaste. "Look around you, she's one step away from asking him to drink her blood to prove his love."

Arthur screwed his nose up at the unsavoury image while Merlin watched the conversation go back and forward like a badly choreographed game of tennis.

He tuned them out and thought about the lengths Arthur would go to get Gwen back if someone had her, the lengths he had gone for her time and time again. He knew without question that he'd do the same for Morgana. He was willing to kill a girl he'd not so long ago considered a friend for her. He wouldn't even hesitate. He blinked at that thought.

"I love her," he said quietly. All conversation ground to a screeching halt and they all stared at him. He realized it was a strange place to have that realization, in a room covered with images of him. Arthur sat down on the bed beside him and patted him on the back, Lancelot actually looked slightly bored and Gwaine rolled his eyes and said, "Well, obviously."

"There's always been a little something between the two of you." Arthur said with another pat on Merlin's back.

"You're an idiot," Gwaine reiterated the statement he kept making.

Lancelot sighed, shrugged his shoulders and said, "I told you."

"Right, now that you've had an epiphany about your feelings for my sister, you need to try the astral projection again, see if you can communicate with her, let her know we're coming for her."

He raised his brows at Arthur, "We're coming for her?"

"Obviously, you've always been terrible at battle strategies and you were never any good in a fight."

He merely smiled at Arthur and said nothing. He didn't want to tell Arthur how good he'd gotten at fighting or that this wouldn't really be a fight, it would be annihilation.


	69. Chapter 69

It was the same thing over and over again. Sarah ranting about how Morgana had killed her mother, her terrible childhood with Morgause, her undying love and devotion for Merlin. How she could make Merlin love her and forget all about Morgana. All she needed to do was get rid of Morgana somehow. If she were a mere mortal, Morgana was sure this would be the point she would start fearing for her life, as it was it was merely an annoyance. She was sick of listening to Sarah repeat the same thing over and over. She'd stopped responding, it was clear Sarah didn't really need her for the conversation. Sarah really was delusional and it was almost sad. She honestly believed she could chain Merlin up and take his magic and he'd fall at her feet and thank her for ridding him of the burden of magic. Sarah's pacing and frantic mutterings became more and more disjointed and insane. She was talking more to herself than to Morgana. At one point, she nodded to herself, walked to Morgana, grabbed her face in one hand and ran the tip of a knife down her cheek, it was a superficial wound, nothing more than a scratch but it seemed to satisfy Sarah. She had smirked and left the room, leaving Morgana with blood smearing her cheek.

Morgana closed her eyes, happy for the silence Sarah had left behind her, grateful for the ceasing of Sarah's incessant chattering. She needed to figure a way out of this. Needed to try to communicate with Merlin. Needed to decide whether or not to hurt…kill Sarah. Sarah was clearly insane; it would almost be a mercy killing. But could she really do it? The person she'd been at the end in Camelot would have thought nothing of taking Sarah's life, but now. This girl was her sister's child. She had started out as an innocent and been twisted by her circumstances and a lack of love, she'd been twisted by her mother's obsession with revenge. Morgana could relate to having an unfeeling parent. But what if Sarah did hurt someone who was truly innocent? What if she let her live and Sarah went on a rampage, what if some innocent life got caught in the crossfire? Would Morgana be able to forgive herself?

She'd almost crossed the threshold between being awake and sleep when she felt something on her cheek; it felt like a finger running down the length of her cheek. Slowly, she opened her eyes and found herself looking into Merlin's blue ones. She stared at him unblinkingly, not moving a muscle. The corner of his mouth kicked up into a little half smile. She wanted to smile back at him but instead found tears filling her eyes. She blinked to force them away and in the space of time it took to blink, he was gone. She sat as tears slipped down her face freely, with no one to brush them away and convinced herself he'd merely been a figment of her imagination, she wanted to see him so badly that her imagination had conjured him up for her. But he'd touched her, could a figment of her imagination do that?

She squeezed her eyes shut and pictured Merlin in her mind and tried saying his name over and over again in her head then waited for a response. None came. She wished she'd asked Mordred all those years ago how he did it. She tried again: Merlin. Merlin. Merlin. Still nothing.

"You called, My Lady?"

Ok. That. That definitely wasn't in her head. Her imagination couldn't conjure up that particular tone of his voice. Her eyes flew open and there he was crouching in front of her. "Merlin," she breathed.

He tilted his head and smiled, "Hey, baby."

If he was a figment of her imagination, he was the best damn thing her mind had ever decided to conjure up.

"How?" she asked, she wanted to reach out and grab him but of course that were impossible.

"Astral projection. I'm still figuring it out." He inched closer to her, "How are you doing?"

"I've been better. Merlin, Sarah, she's Morgause's daughter. She's also obsessed with you."

He nodded, "I know. We're coming for you, Morgana."

"Ok."

He came closer still and wrapped his hand in her hair, "Do you know where you are?"

"No."

Merlin smiled at her, "It's ok. We'll figure it out." He rose up slightly on his knees and dropped a soft kiss onto her lips and her lips tingled with the sensation, he pressed something into her hand and wrapped her fingers around it. He pulled back and winked at her with a smirk. Then he was gone. He faded away just as Sarah appeared in the doorway eyeing Morgana suspiciously, "Who were you talking to?"

"Myself. I think I'm becoming as insane as you," she retorted with a smirk. She knew she was provoking Sarah but she just didn't care.

Sarah shook her head, "I'm not insane, Morgana, I know with perfect clarity what I'm doing."

Morgana resisted the urge to roll her eyes, those who were crazy rarely believed they were crazy; it was part of their delusions. Time for a different tact. Morgana tried for her most kindly smile, "We're family, Sarah."

"What's your point?"

"We shouldn't be at odds with each other, we could be a real family."

Sarah rolled her eyes, "Right, we could have cosy family dinners," She turned her back to Morgana.

"If you and I could get along or appear to get along, if you could become friendly with Arthur, all of that would endear you to Merlin."

Sarah looked back at Morgana and Morgana knew she had just used the magic word: Merlin.


	70. Chapter 70

It was probably bad form to invoke Merlin's name and use it against Sarah but if it would get results then she'd promise to deliver him up on a platter. Perhaps it was wrong to play on Sarah's obsession with Merlin. After all, she knew with great clarity the allure Merlin presented. He was incredibly hard to resist and so ridiculously easy to become obsessed with. She'd been obsessed with him in many ways over the years, even in Camelot she was obsessed with the great Emrys without knowing it was Merlin. Sarah and Morgana had that in common, their obsession with a certain warlock. Only difference was Merlin seemed to be also the tiniest bit obsessed with Morgana. Reciprocal obsession. That gave her the upper hand. That and the fact she clearly had a tighter grip on her sanity than Sarah did. Also, she had the hairpin Merlin had pushed into her hand. Though she did think he was putting a little too much faith in her lock picking skills. Morgana watched Sarah as she sat in the chair and stared back at her. The more she looked at Sarah, the more she could see Morgause in her. It was the small things, gestures and expressions. She didn't hold herself with as much confidence as Morgause had though. Morgana wondered what Sarah had been like as a child, had she been warm, affectionate, and full of life and laughter? When did her innocence start to seep out of her? When had Morgause put the burden of the knowledge of their past onto her child?

Morgana waited for Sarah to say something. Do something. Anything. But she just stared at her.

Morgana wasn't sure what she preferred: the incessant chatting or the silent staring. She sighed; she decided she probably should get Sarah talking if she were going to convince her to let her go. Which meant she'd have to start a conversation, ask questions and not mock Sarah. She had to play nice. Even if she couldn't find it in herself to feel sorry for the girl who was her niece. So, where to start. She knew where to start. All roads led to Merlin. But she didn't want to share even a little bit of him with Sarah. But at the same time she was genuinely curious.

"So, Morgause asked you to get close to Merlin, then?" She asked. It was as good as any place to start. She could picture her sister using her child to get the result she wanted.

Sarah sat up straighter and fidgeted in the chair, "No. I met Merlin purely by chance. At University. It wasn't until we became friends that Mother informed me he was _the_ Merlin."

Morgana didn't think it was purely coincidence. She was sure Morgause had engineered the whole thing, had manipulated the situation. "You didn't know he would be in your classes?"

Sarah shook her head and then frowned, "No," she said slowly, "but I hadn't originally been going to take history, Mother had encouraged me to take it. She'd practically insisted."

And there it was. Daughter was realizing her mother had played her. It was a little sad to watch. Morgana watched as Sarah realized a moment she clearly treasured had been orchestrated. She expected anger but instead Sarah slumped down looking defeated.

Morgana sighed, "You're not the first to be manipulated by Morgause. She had a way of getting people to do exactly what she wanted and making it seem it had just happened or even that it was your idea."

"She was my mother but I never felt that she loved me. The only thing she ever cared about was you." Sarah said bitterly.

Morgana knew what it was to have someone in your life that was more interested in their own obsession than you. She knew what it was to feel like you were just there to be moved around and manipulated and used for someone else's cause. And honestly she couldn't imagine Morgause as the maternal type, but she could imagine a sad little blonde girl desperate for some attention and some love.

"I'm sure she loved you in her own way, Sarah."

Sarah laughed, "No. I really don't think she did."

"What was it about Merlin that made you like him?" The question made Morgana's skin crawl, as did the thought of Sarah convincing Morgause to let her keep him.

"I don't like him. I love him. And I could have made him love me."

Morgana shook her head, "You can't force someone to love you. You can't make someone feel love."

"I could have!" Sarah screamed, "But then you had to waltz in looking perfect and understanding things about him that I can't and you ruined everything!"

She winced as Sarah yelled and came toward her with that damn knife, she honestly thought Sarah wanted to slice her into little pieces and put her into the freezer. She tried for a smile and a soothing tone of voice, "I'm sorry about that."

"You're not sorry for anything," Sarah crouched in front of Morgana in much the same way as Merlin had, though Merlin had enticed warm, comforting feelings in her, Sarah was more an annoyance, something that had to be dealt with, "How could he see anything good in you after everything you did?"

Morgana shrugged, "That's a question only he can answer."

She'd love to know the answer to that one herself. Sarah moved and sat cross-legged in front of her and reached out and tugged lightly on the ends of Morgana's hair, "You really are far too beautiful. But beauty isn't everything. I'm a better person than you."

Morgana nodded, "You probably are."

Sarah straightened and she went back to being less weepy and more angry and determined, "But he'll realize. He'll see that I'm better for him. I can make him love me."

Morgana sighed as she felt the conversation once again going around in circles, "And how are you going to do that?"

"I need to find a way to get rid of you for good and then I can console him over the loss of you and we'll grow closer and then without you there to blind him, he will see that I've been there all along, that I'll never leave him." Sarah smiled and nodded.

Morgana rolled her eyes, it was definitely time to get out of here, not that she feared Sarah could actually kill her but because she wasn't sure she could listen to anymore of this insanity.


End file.
